Tag: bipolar disorder

Saturday Blog 75

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 75

I just had a frustrating conversation with my mother. She wants me to go to a specific hospital because they are “bone specialists”. I told her I went there before and they didn’t help me. She thought I was bullshitting her. I am so fucking mad. She doesn’t understand this is a pain syndrome and nothing can be done for it. Then my sister says I should walk more. Really?? I can barely make it to Walgreens and back without problems during a flare up and that is a SHORT fucking walk. So glad I have such a supportive family.

I finally took a shower at like 5 this morning. I was up and pain was minimal so I took a quick one. I went back to sleep for a few hours after taking some Neurontin. I tried to sleep it off but it wasn’t going to happen. I made coffee and had some muffins my mother made for breakfast. I felt like I was drunk and I have been up since. Then my ankle flared up again so I had to take the strong pain pills. I didn’t want to because it was early in the day but I was in severe pain. Then my leg started cramping which set off my PTSD anxiety. Just fucking lovely. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I still haven’t taken a damn nap though I want to so bad. I got a migraine that is killing me and I won’t be taking the Zoloft again tonight. I can’t take it because there could be an interaction with my migraine meds.

I am so damn frustrated and just want to die. I was writing in my journal last night till around 3 in the morning. I wrote my frustration of not being able to make an attempt last week because I wasn’t sure if the pills were going to kill me or just make me sick. I was suicidal again last night as I was writing and then I wrote an angry rant to my psychiatrist that I wrote in my journal. It had a little more to it as I wrote more as I was writing it out. Then I tweeted what I wrote but didn’t allow it to be posted to Facebook. I didn’t want my family to read what I posted. Not that they would as it was so early in the morning but I didn’t want someone calling my sister telling them I was suicidal again. I still don’t know what “friend” called my sister that time I was posting Pearl Jam lyrics. Pisses me off that they would go through her rather than talk to ME directly.

I wanted to contact my psych today but I don’t want to bother her. She has a three day weekend so I don’t want to disturb her. It would just be a check in but I am not feeling like talking after the frustration of my family. I still so want to attempt to kill myself but I don’t have the means and that frustrates me. Maybe I will go to a state that sells firearms without a background check or is willing to sell firearms to mentally ill people as they are revoking that background check, thank you, Congress! Not that I know how to operate a firearm, but I am sure I can get instructions. If a toddler can fire one, I am sure I can.

I’m ordering pizza and fries for dinner tonight. I have been craving pizza all day. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. I blame all the Neurontin that I have been taking for these cravings. My vision is starting to be affected because of the migraine so I will stop here.

bad pain flare up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bad pain flare up

I saw my psychiatrist. The appointment went well. She agreed to an increase in the Zoloft. Then we talked about therapy and the water works started. I couldn’t hold back my tears of frustration with the waiting and the ending. I miss having someone to talk to about things. She was supportive of me but these things take time and frankly, I have grown impatient. She wanted to see me in a week and I agreed. I did tell her my suicidal urges were around early that morning. She tried piecing together what set me off and we didn’t really get anywhere.

I came home and was tired. I took a pain pill and my trilafon. I wanted a nap but didn’t want to mess up my sleep. An hour later, I said fuck it and lied down. My foot had become cold so I put on my thermal socks and lied down once again. Then all hell broke loose. My foot became a seizing machine and the pain was intolerable. I started crying because I hurt so damn bad. I lost it. Tears were coming and I couldn’t stop them. I was a sobbing idiot. Then I thought of ending my life from the thoughts of the morning and I cried harder. I couldn’t reach the pills because I couldn’t even turn over to take meds to stop the cramping and the pain. Any movement at all caused me great pain. I eventually sat up and took my meds. In between tears, I sent a letter to my psychiatrist, one telling her to send tissues and the other saying my suicidality was up and I would be in touch before passing out.

My mother called me while I was having my crying fit but she didn’t hear me when I told her I was crying. She wanted some socks in her drawer. I told her my ankle went out on me and that it wasn’t happening. In the midst of all this, I got a migraine and a headache after the migraine went away. Just wonderful. I know it’s from crying so damn much and not eating.

Things calmed down so of course my bladder said it had to go. I went and figured while I was downstairs, I’d make myself something to eat. I thought that might help the headache as I didn’t have anything to eat since this morning while at Starbucks. The pain came back when I went back to my room, but it wasn’t as bad. My feet were hot so I took the socks off. My left one became cold again within 15 minutes so I just put a regular sock on that is loose.

I am exhausted and was going to pass out but I called my psych before I did. She didn’t read the emails so I explained what was going on. She was glad I called her. She wants me to keep her posted.

I’ve had flare ups of severe pain before but nothing like today. I think the spasms made the pain worse and I just couldn’t handle it. The tears were flowing because I just felt so helpless. I couldn’t move a muscle without pain, even if it was a different body part. It was awful. I really wanted to die and if I could reach any bottle of pills, I would have tried. But thankfully, all the “good” stuff is three feet away from me. I just have a handful of pills, total, by my bedside which probably wouldn’t do much but knock me out for a couple of hours.

things on my mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things on my mind

I’ve been in a down mood all evening. A Daughtry song has been running in my head the last few days. I didn’t know the name so I had to go down the list to find it. I listened to it and it just made me think about my therapist. I almost started crying. She has been on my mind a lot this week. I still can’t believe it is over.

I have been trying to get in touch with a new therapist but she hasn’t returned my calls or email so she might not work out. I feel sad about this. It has me doubting if therapy is really for me. I have seen so many therapists over the years. Granted most of them have left for reasons that had nothing to do with me. But it still hurts. You learn to trust someone and then when they leave you are just feeling empty and alone.

I feel really tired. I have been sleeping most of the day because I woke up very early and went to bed really late. Pain has really been bad but so far it has been okay. I want to take some Neurontin but I got to get up early tomorrow because I have an early appointment with my psychiatrist. I really want to cancel it. I’ll see how my night goes. Sometimes my pain will get worse as the night goes on.

My lip and corners of my mouth have been so dry they are cracking and hurt really bad. I have been using different lip balms but none seem to help. I think I am going to have to get some Vaseline and see if that works. It’s the only thing I haven’t tried. I wish they sold it in like a small tube for the lips but they don’t. Just big jars of the stuff. I will get it tomorrow when I go out. My mother wants me to use zinc oxide but I hate that stuff. It’s just messy.

I got a call from a friend that I hang out with at least once a month. My adopted nephew called him to say he is having another band concert in March and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I won’t be going because it’s too much for me physically. I just am drained and it takes me at least a day to recover. Then he tells me he can’t get my book at Barnes and Noble. WHAT?? So now I will have to give him a copy. He will pay me for it. But I am disappointed that a bookstore wouldn’t order it for him. I’ll have to check my settings, maybe I did something wrong in the distribution part. Not like my new book is selling like hotcakes. I have sold more as signed copies than I have online. I am disappointed but I haven’t been promoting either. It’s hard.

I just got an ad for a workshop on how to promote your book through this writer’s organization that I have taken classes at before. The workshop is in March so I will try and get into it next week, if I remember. It might prove to be worthwhile.

early rising and it’s snowing!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early rising and it’s snowing!

I woke up early from a weird dream. I was looking for something and trying my best to find it except I realized I was wasting my time because the thing I was looking for was in New York City. I felt defeated. I woke up and had to pee. My nephew kind of scared me because he was on the couch. I forgot he spent the night. I hope he slept well.

When I left my room to go downstairs, I noticed it was snowing. Wonderful, another day in the house. I don’t mind because I have to go out tomorrow so this gives me a day of rest as my ankle is being such a brat right now. I haven’t done anything for the past two hours except read Twitter and become disgusted with the state of Congress and the people that are supposed to uphold the law of the land, the US Constitution. It sickens me that they, for reasons not known yet, are not investigating the whole Russian influence. If it was the other party, you bet your ass there would be inquiries left and right. Just makes me sad and fearful. And then to learn there is a spy ship off the coast of New England (where I am) is more scary. Why the Navy hasn’t done anything, is a mystery.

I am in serious pain. I didn’t want to but I had to take a strong pain pill to ease it. I also took a Neurontin to help ease the burning pain that I feel. I think I am going to be sleeping most of the day. I am going to try and stay up till at least 1000 in case the therapist returns my call. I hope she does because this waiting is killing me. And I think it is rude for a professional not to return a phone call.

Well, I don’t think I am going to last staying up much longer. Meds have made me sleepy and I need to lie down. More of how my day goes later.