Tag: bipolar disorder

suffering once again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Suffering once again

I woke up from a weird dream and had to use the bathroom. My foot exploded soon as I came back to room. I had to call my PCP to make an appointment to see what can be done for my pain but the office wasn’t open yet. I took my regular pain meds and waited a half hour. When I finally got through to my PCP’s office, he didn’t have any openings for this week. So I get to see him next week to discuss my pain. I emailed my psych and let her know. She was worried about me as she called me late last night because I didn’t answer the email she sent me.

I got a week before my appointment. It’s in the early morning so that is going to be fun. I don’t do well in early morning appointments but it was the only one that he had so I took it. I’ll just try and load up on caffeine before the appointment.

I am feeling pretty low so I am just going to stay in bed most of the day. I don’t care. I do have to go to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I can pick them up in the afternoon. My foot is too sore to make a trip outside right now. I just took a Benadryl to get back to sleep. I’m still debating on taking a strong pain pill, but I will hold off for now. I might take it later this afternoon after my nap if it’s still throbbing.

Painful Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful Monday

I’m not having a good day. I woke up at 2 in pain. Tried to go back to sleep but I got hungry so around 3 I made some oatmeal. I fiddled with my laptop till around 5 or so and finally went back to sleep. My foot was hurting when I woke up a few hours later. I couldn’t win. It really depressed me. I had emailed a response to my psychiatrist around 4 in the morning. I am still waiting to hear back from her. She might not be checking her email.

I stayed in bed most of the day except when I had to use the bathroom. I finally moved my bowels and felt like I hit the lottery. I felt better, least around my stomach. I finally gave up on trying to see if the pain was going to settle down and took a strong pain pill. And that was it. I was toast the rest of the afternoon. My pillow and I snoozed until my mother called me sometime between 3 and 4 pm to tell me what she was making for dinner. I just yes her to death to get off the phone. I was in a good dream and wanted to know how it turned out. I never went back to it and I don’t remember what it was about now.

My prescriptions are ready to be picked up. I will do that tomorrow. My foot is still sore to go out. I probably could wing it but I don’t want to. The thought of getting dressed isn’t appealing to me. I have no idea what happened to my gray PJs that could pass as sweatpants. I thought I had packed them in my hospital bag but they weren’t in there. They are hiding somewhere in my room. I hate when clothes hide on me.

Because I have been so tired, I haven’t had much time to feel suicidal. The thoughts did cross my mind this morning before I took the strong pain pill. I wish my psych would answer the email. I wrote in it that I would be contacting my PCP to help sort out my pain better. Whether that meant increasing the strong pain pill dose or going to a longer acting medicine, I am not sure. The regular pain pills aren’t doing much for me. They bring my pain down but not enough to feel total relief.

feeling frustrated due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling frustrated due to pain

I had another flare up of pain. I had touched the area that hurts and then while climbing into bed, I must have put too much pressure on my ankle. I got so frustrated and immediately felt suicidal so I emailed my psychiatrist that I was done but I didn’t want to go to the hospital. She felt like I needed to be and wanted me on a med/psych unit where she works. We have been talking about this for weeks and I still haven’t been admitted to this unit so I was ticked off that she suggested it yet again. I didn’t respond to the email and I am not going to.

Before dinner, I took a strong pain pill. Well it’s not several hours later and it wore off so I had to take another one. I haven’t moved my bowels since Friday. I took some fiber pills and magnesium to help move things along. It’s getting harder for me to have a movement. Got to love constipation.

I just feel like I am telling people about my pain but instead of them being understanding or being sympathetic, I am getting why not do this or that. That isn’t what I want to hear right now. It’s not what I need to hear.

Sundays are made for sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sundays are made for sleeping

Sundays are made for sleeping, when you are in pain and wake up in the early morning hours. I’m lucky my mother made dinner tonight as it hurt my ankle just to make some coffee. I got a Neurontin hangover because I took some more of it at like 5 am. It’s been close to 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds so I am feeling dizzy. I took a pill before dinner but it hasn’t kicked in yet. I am tempted to take the stronger pain pill. I was making sure there was nothing on my foot and accidently touch the sore part of my ankle. Now my pain is through the fucking roof. I just want to go back to sleep, and I might do just that.

I have been having suicidal urges since getting up at 1400. I still have to think seriously about this. Part of me wants to call my psych and part of me wants to say the hell with it. Only problem is that I don’t have the energy to go through with it. I have no motivation to put the plan in place. So I do nothing.

I have several things I need to do in my room. I need to empty the recycle bin and my trash bin by the bed. I also need to fill my pill box for the week. This tiredness that I feel is compromising me. I just want to sleep but I also don’t want to take out each pill individually when it’s time to take my night meds. I rather have them all in the box and then dump them out to take them. Just for the day, not the week.

It reached 55 degrees out. In February. In Boston. WTF. And I can’t enjoy it because I feel like a zombie and my ankle is hurting. Least the snow we got last weekend is melting. This week, I got to get new glasses. My eyesight has been giving me problems and I think it’s because the glasses are not as good as they should be. My prescription has changed but I haven’t been able to finagle getting them because of other expenses. I also need to replace my foam topper on my bed because it’s falling a part and not supporting me the way it used to. I found a gel topper for under $100 for my bed size so I will get that. I also found some flannel sheets that I like. I just hope they fit.

I needed to go to Walgreens to pick up my script of Zoloft. I will have to pick it up tomorrow if the pharmacy is open. Tomorrow is a holiday so I am not sure if they will have different hours or will be closed. I’ll go anyway to buy more dark chocolate. It’s been helping my mood. I have one or two pieces a day so I don’t think it will affect my weight much. I am not eating the whole package at once. But the chocolate is on sale so I would like to get more at that price if I can.