Tag: Blogging

Just a lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Just a lazy Friday

I woke up around 8 this morning and used the bathroom. I then went back to sleep only to wake up around 1300. I made some coffee and reheated some Lo Mein. That was all that my foot needed to explode. I was going to make my pumpkin cake today but I am not, even though it’s an easy recipe. I just don’t want to exert myself and then be toast tomorrow. I really want to go to the party tomorrow night. I am just going to try and rest today and stay off my foot as much as possible.

It’s raining today so I guess that is a good thing as I planned on killing myself today. I guess my time isn’t up yet. I am feeling pretty sad at this and angry. My therapist texted me last night. I told her to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill myself and she gave me a couple. She said that I was worthwhile and valuable. Then the voices in my head started calling me a turd and a shithead. So I went to sleep with that in my head.

I wanted to work on my book but I am getting drowsy from the pain meds. I thought the coffee I had would offset the side effects but I was wrong. I don’t really care. I am listening to country radio and thinking of my friend. I feel sad knowing that she is gone. Her daughters are devastated. I can only imagine how her husband of 40 years feels. He is doing some running thing in DC. He is running in her honor.

I am feel really low. I also feel defeated, like something has been taken from me and I can’t get it back. I really don’t want to be anymore. If the weather was better, I might have still gone through with my plan. It just gives me another opportunity at another point in time. I feel risky because I can do it at any time. I don’t have to have a date. I just need to “snap” and have it be a nice day out. Of course, winter is on it’s way so there aren’t going to be that many nice days left. Birthday Month is coming up. I don’t know how I am going to handle all of this. I just don’t want to live anymore.

loss of a friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Loss of a friend

I found out tonight that a friend of mine died Tuesday. We don’t know how she died and she had been sick for a while. She was one of my CES buddies. I have known her since the early days of my diagnosis. It’s so sad that she is no longer with us. My friend in Canada is having a hard time with this. She and my friend were closer than I was to her. They talked all the time and had a lot in common. It’s a shock for all of us in the group. We have been through so much over the years. And now this. We have lost members in the past but this one is more personal because we all knew each other. Hell, back in 2001 there were only 25 of us with the diagnosis. Now it’s more than 100 x that, from around the world. And that is for those with internet capabilities at the time and currently. My blog “Knackered” gets read almost every day and it saddens me because I know another person has come down with this dreadful condition.

Those 25 members in the early days have moved on from the email support group and then we banded together when Facebook became popular. That is how most of us kept in touch with one another. Gone were the days of emails and now we had instant messaging and Private messages to keep us together. I still keep in touch with my friend in South Africa. Instead of emails, we now send PMs. It’s all the same thing, if you think about it. Just keeping in touch with one another is the important part.

Pain had shot up again with me tonight and I was once again thinking of ending my life. I texted my therapist but got no response. I don’t think she is in the office. I often wonder if my friends on Facebook would react the same way if they found out I had passed away. I came really close to ending my life this week, again. One of these days, I will go through with it, if I could ever get a hotel room and can get there. Mobility has been my hindrance these past few weeks.

another day of therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of therapy

My therapist had an opening early this morning and I reluctantly took it. I managed to get a Zipcar so I could see her. Traffic was a little hairy but I made it on time. I forgot how bad morning traffic could be as I haven’t driven in the morning in so long. We talked about my plan and about ditching the pills. I told her there was a high probability that I couldn’t walk to my destination anyways. I would have to do a trial run and I never did because my pain flare ups prevented that. She wanted to do a psychache scale but I told her it’s worthless because my physical pain is overshadowing my emotional pain right now. We did talk about my LTD paperwork and what I basically wanted her to say. I will pick up the papers when I see her on Tuesday.

I got back with 10 minutes to spare so I went to my house to grab my bag with my book and journal and returned the car. I wanted to go to Starbucks to edit my book and have another espresso drink. While I was there, they had these really cool Boston mugs with baseball on it. They were pricey but I didn’t care, I bought it. It was my reward for living. My mother is going to freak because I have so many mugs but only use one consistently. I might give it to a friend as a Christmas gift. Depends on how much I like it, haha. It’s a ceramic one so I need to be really careful with it because I am a clutz. I edited one story for my book and got tired. I tried writing in my journal but it wasn’t happening. I wanted a nap. I left for the station to get my pass for the month and then waited for the bus.

I wanted to show off my haircut to my therapist so I did my hair. Rain was in the forecast but I was hoping to beat it. No such luck. I just reached my stop home and it started raining. Figures, the one day I don’t wear my baseball cap, it rains. My bowels started acting up so I was glad I was going home. I had milk in the morning and I never know when it’s going to activate my bowels to go haywire. When I got home, my mother was in the bathroom and I knew I couldn’t hold it so I ran downstairs to my sister’s bathroom. I am so glad we have access to another bathroom or I would have had an accident. I just made it, too.

I am still going to try and make the pumpkin cake for my friend’s party Saturday. It all depends on how I feel. I feel like shit right now because I had to get up so fricken early. My energy levels have dropped since being home. I think I am crashing from all the espresso I drank today. I still need to make dinner. My mother is making pork chops but I got a burger that I need to cook or it’s going to go bad. I rather have the burger than pork. Sometimes, pork doesn’t agree with my digestive tract.

I had to call Zipcar today because the last driver that used the car I had smoked pot and cigarettes. It really reeked and I had to keep the windows rolled down most of my trip. I am glad the rain didn’t come until the afternoon because I can’t stand the smell of pot. I can’t believe someone would drive under the influence of pot. Just because they don’t own the car, doesn’t mean they should jeopardize other drivers. I was really pissed off. I won’t be using that car again, even though it’s more convenient for me.

Completely Out of Spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Completely out of spoons

My groceries came and by the time I put everything away, including going to the basement for the frozen items, I was wiped out. In fact, I am pretty sure I am in the negative for my spoon count. I had a choice to make, shower or make dinner and actually eat it. I chose a shower followed by an Ensure. It’s not a meal but it’s something. I hope it will hold me off till tomorrow morning. I am so tired. I feel completely exhausted and I hope I get some sleep.

My ankle is starting to hurt so I know I did too much. I did order a car for tomorrow to see my therapist. It’s down the street rather than up the street so I think I can manage it. But it’s early in the morning and I am not a morning person. I set two alarms so I can make it. There is a chance I will wake up before it rings but just in case. Lately, I have been waking up before 0630.

Because I am not planning on baking, I have decided to donate the Boston coffee cake to the party I will be going to Saturday night. There is a chance I still might make one of the cakes Friday but just in case I don’t feel like it, I won’t show up empty handed. I was really looking forward to that coffee cake, too. I should have bought two.

I can’t believe how exhausted I am. I really didn’t do more than what I normally do and I had caffeine. I guess my stamina has taken a hit because I have been spending more time in the house than I normally do. But it’s so hard to get out when you are in pain most of the time or haven’t had a good sleep because of pain. I think I finally broke the pain cycle but the pain is still there, just not as severe as it was. I hope later tonight I am not in mind boggling pain. I never know when my pain will flare up. I could move my ankle a millimeter and that is all it takes to start it up. And this is after resting it for several hours.

I hate having to decide what activity to do. If I wasn’t so wiped out after getting my haircut and going to Starbucks, I probably would have had dinner and then shower. But tonight it was one or the other. I couldn’t have both, not after the groceries took every ounce of energy I had. I still didn’t put all of them away. I will save that for another day. Or my mother will put them away, like she normally does because I take too long. She doesn’t get it. She think she does or pretends to, but she really doesn’t. And she suffers from chronic back pain, you think she would understand.

I have been trying to take it easy on myself since changing my sheets the other day. My back still hasn’t fully recovered, which was probably why I am exhausted tonight. Today is the first time going out since I took out my back. I guess I wasn’t up to being myself but I had to go out. The four walls can only stare at me for so long before they get to me. I didn’t go out this weekend because the T is crap and they were diverting buses. I rather stay home than deal with that mess. Only time I went out was to get my prescriptions and corn chips at Walgreens. It bothers me that I am still limited in what I can and can’t do. But my body doesn’t tell me right away that doing these things is taking spoons away. Before you know it, I am in the negative and I am exhausted. I know part of it is I push myself without knowing it. Normally getting a haircut and going to Starbucks doesn’t wear me out. But throw in back pain just two days ago and wham, I am out of spoons real fast.

I find it hard to control my life when there are these invisible things that I can’t foresee. I know that getting groceries wore me out quicker because I had to go back and forth and all around the house to put them away. Then stand at the fridge to put them away. This takes energy and I forget that. It’s one thing to stand in front of the fridge because you are hungry; quite another when you are putting things away. And carrying a gallon of milk and juice isn’t a light load. It just adds to the strain of your back pain. No wonder I was really pooped by the end of the groceries and only had enough energy left to either shower and shave or cook and eat. I knew I had to wash my hair because there was no way I could sleep in my clean sheets with hair clippings on my head. And even if I could manage it, washing my hair in the sink would just put most strain on my back. So I showered. It’s not like missing a meal would harm me. I am not a malnourished person, anything but. I had an Ensure though because I was hungry. Those things come in handy when you need them.