Tag: cauda equina syndrome

a little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

I don’t know where my blog is heading anymore. I tend to write more about my chronic pain than of anything else. And why not, it is always there, aching, throbbing away like no tomorrow. I am sick of it. Both my ankle and foot were competing as to who was going to hurt more and my foot won the contest. The three metatarsals (bones in the foot) that always bother me, are feeling like they are being crushed though there is no external pressure being applied whatsoever. I want to cry. I want to cut my ankle off.

I am depressed. Have been all day. I had texted my therapist asking if there was a time next week that would be suitable for us to talk and she responded that it didn’t look good. I am astounded that her schedule is so full. Used to be that we met three times a week. Now I can’t even have one? I am hurt. I just want to tell her forget it. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am going to end up killing myself either way so what would a session do? It’s not going to prolong my life. She has no clue what I have been planning mostly because she hasn’t been around. She decided that we needed to meet monthly. Not me. I didn’t have any say in the matter. Now I can’t get a bloody appointment to convince her otherwise. Fuck her and her stupid schedule.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. We are supposedly going to come up with a “plan” on how to go on without a therapist. Can’t wait to see what she thinks. I am in a terrible mood right now so forgive me if I go off on a suicidal tangent. I am going to tell her that it’s useless. In fact, I don’t know why she is even treating me as I am a hopeless case. There is no point. I have made up my mind and within a few weeks, I will be gone. I hope to be gone anyway. If I had a more lethal means, such as a gun, then I know I would be gone but I don’t have a firearm. Though if I did, I don’t think I could wait a few weeks.

Pain has driven me to this. I couldn’t even bear weight on my foot as I went downstairs to the bathroom. I tried to stay off the bad metatarsals but going up the stairs, that was hard to do. I didn’t want to spend a half hour going up each step one at a time so I painfully went up the stairs like a “normal” person. I just hope this pain is gone by tomorrow because I need to go out. I don’t think cancelling on my psychiatrist is going to fly, even though I think the appointment is hopeless and pointless. She gave me plenty of refills on my meds so I am good for the next month or two. Not that it matters. I don’t even know why I bother to continue to take my meds. I guess if I don’t, I might become more impulsively suicidal. Right now I can wait. Throw in some agonizing despair and that might change. I guess my meds are keeping that from happening. And I know what happens when I don’t take the trileptal regularly. I am off my fucking rocker.

I do have some what adequate pain control, but that isn’t the point of me wanting to kill myself. The fact that I HAVE to take meds to control my pain is the issue. I shouldn’t be in pain. There is nothing physically wrong with my ankle or foot as determined by X-rays and MRIs. Hell, it even looks normal. I don’t get the discoloration you typically see with CRPS. Yet supposedly, this is what I have. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome. I know the pain isn’t in my head. Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I just know that I am in pain and I need pills around the clock to control it. And soon as the dose wears off, I am in agony again until I pop one or two pills. Then the waiting game begins as to how long it will take for the pain to stop. Sometimes, a couple hours after I take my regular pain pills, the pain will intensify. This is all while I sit comfortably in my bed. No stress being made on it. No bear weight on it. No movement, though sometimes I flex my big toe and all hell breaks loose. So then I have to take the strong pain pill because I can’t take the regular pain pill as I just took it. It’s a fun game that I am so tired of playing. Then my bowels are all screwed up from this strong pain pill.

If I was a “normal” person, sure taking a laxative or some other method to go move my bowels would be fine. But not with someone with Cauda Equina Syndrome. Hard stools and a sensitive rectum/anus is bad news. Nerve pain happens when you finally are able to move your hard bowels. It’s so painful, you just wish you would die on the spot. Then sitting is intolerable. Nerve pain goes on any where from one hour to many. And this is not mentioning the trouble of pushing the stools out because your system just doesn’t have the mobility to do so on its own. You feel like you are in labor trying to push a rabbit pellet out. And that is all you push out. Sometimes it is more than that, but I won’t go into details about it. It just hurts, more than your damn foot. It leaves you exhausted like you have done manual labor. You need to rest from all the pushing and the pain. Fun times. NOT.

Random 134

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I saw my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about my therapist and how I should proceed. I really didn’t want to proceed as I had an end date but feared I would be hospitalized if I said that. So I am going to try and talk to my therapist Tuesday. I really don’t like this monthly bullshit and neither does my psych. I would try and talk with her Monday but I am not sure she is in the office or not as it’s a school holiday. I plan on leaving her a voicemail message rather than a text so she can call me and I know she will get the message. If I sent her a text, she might not read it and I will be sitting there wondering when she will respond.

She was worried about me when she read my letter and she is holding me to the trust we have regarding calling her when I need to rather than acting on my impulses. I wish she didn’t say that because I will feel guilty going through with my plan. I think she is going to see me every week until March or until she feels my ideation has settled back to the underground.

Towards the end of our appointment, I asked her if she read my book and she said yes. She said my writing has improved and it’s sophisticated. I think that is the best compliment I ever got. She said she forgot to bring it and I said I will be in next week if you want me to sign it. She laughed.

I felt good about the feedback on my book. I ran an errand after I went to the Square. I had to buy some bread as I was out. I misjudged the bus schedule and had to wait 45 minutes for the next one. I am glad it wasn’t freezing cold out but it was cold enough after 45 minutes! I was starving by the time I was near home. I had to drop off my script to Walgreens so I bought some things and went home. I bought a protein bar and that didn’t help my hunger. I made a black bean burger as it was going to be at least 2 hours before my niece would come home and I could order pizza. While I was eating the burger, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it didn’t like it at all. I was in intense pain. Guess I wasn’t going back to the pharmacy to pick up my script. I had already taken my pain meds so I was fucking screwed. There was nothing I could take. Eventually it settled itself down. I’m still in pain but it’s not as severe.

I was getting drowsy so I had another cup of coffee. I thought the cup I had this morning at my sister’s was caffeinated but it was decaf. I never knew the difference, but then I never had that brand of coffee before. I am glad I had a second cup of coffee at Starbucks. I had Casi Cielo. It was awesome. I got my bag of coffee today so tomorrow I will head to the Square to have it grounded. I also plan on getting some k cups so I can use it on my sister’s Keurig. I had the coffee about an hour ago and already it’s wearing off. I am just so tired. I will be taking my meds soon and my strong pain pill so I should be able to sleep. I’ll let me niece do her own thing tonight. She doesn’t have to get up early tomorrow and neither do I.

Made it out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Made it out

I woke up in a better mood than I have the past few days. I wasn’t in as much pain and got some restful sleep. I checked Twitter like I always do and heard that one of my favorite pitchers got traded to the Phillies. This couldn’t be true! I scrolled along but didn’t see anything but exhilaration from the Sox crowd so it must be true.

I took a shower grumpily. It kind of exhausted me but not too much that I had to stay in bed. I had enough time to catch the next bus so I rested a little bit and kept checking Twitter for the official trade notification. I still had no idea who we got. By the time I was at Starbucks, half way through my sandwich, I saw who we got in the trade and my heart sunk. My good day went away, just like that. I didn’t get my burrito. I wasn’t hungry.

I started writing in my journal until I finished my drink. Then I caught the bus to the grocery store to buy some things. I wanted my multigrain bread and I was going to get it, dammit! I also got some pumpkin stuff because there were two cans left. They seemed lonely so I brought them home, after I paid for them of course. I used my burrito money for the purchases.

The bus took forever to get there. I didn’t time the bus right as I had to wait twenty minutes in the cold weather. I had to go to the pharmacy to drop off and pick up my meds. I had just enough time to sort through the mail and take off my brace before my bowels decided to let loose. It was all hard stuff because I hadn’t gone in a week and I bled. I figured as much because I really had to push to get the stool out of my system. For a while, I thought I would have to manipulate to get it to go but it came out on its own. Sometimes when I don’t go regularly, that can happen because I don’t have the muscle tone to push things out anymore. That is because of my nerve injury. I try to go every day or every other day but taking the damn pain meds really caused havoc on my system, especially the strong pain pill. I’m just glad I finally went or tomorrow would be crap day, literally.

It was weird not having therapy today. I was able to go out earlier than I normally do. If I didn’t have to go to the grocery store, I would have stayed at Starbucks longer. I have no idea if I am going to have a flare up tonight or not. But I am glad I went out. I keep thinking it’s Wednesday but it’s not. I guess being in the throws of a flare up really threw me for a loop. I always feel like I lose a day because I have to drug myself around the clock to get relief.

I’m starting a new book today. I finished the Lawrence Block book I was reading. Actually didn’t really finish it but it wasn’t for me so I tossed it aside and took it out of my “currently reading” que. I’m going to read SE Hinton’s Taming the Star Runner. I enjoy her books. I should finish it by the end of the week as it’s not a long book. In the new year, I will read the clinical books and Dostoevsky that I am still working on. It takes a lot of concentration for Dostoevsky and I just don’t have it or the patience to read it.

I calculated how much it’s going to cost me in protein drinks for my diet. It’s going to be a little over $250. I don’t consider that bad considering I usually spend that much on junk food at Stop and Shop. I know I will cheat here and there, but as long as it’s protein and not junk food, I should be okay. I don’t think a roast beef sandwich will be bad as say a tray of Oreo cookies. I will stay away from burgers or that will defeat the purpose. Besides, other than me making the burger, I can’t really buy them. I have no McDonald’s or Burger King in my area. I will miss carbs though. That is why I bought my bread so I can make a tuna sandwich. I can have my carbs and protein all in one.

Next week when I get paid, I plan on getting new glasses. It’s through an online company called Zanni. The frames are wicked cheap but durable and the lenses are not that expensive compared to optical shops. I bought my first pair earlier this year for my progressive lenses and though they really took some getting used to, it turned out to be fine. The only thing I hate about it is that you can’t have them adjusted by the optician so they don’t fit quite right. It took some trial and error but within a month or so, I had them the way I want them. I am going to try their transition lenses next. I priced them and it was $135, which isn’t bad considering. I just need to get a pair of sunglasses. Those I will go to the optician for, only because I need them for driving and I don’t want them messed up.

trapped in my room by pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trapped in my room by pain

Today was so bloody cold. It was 6 degrees F when I woke up and then climbed to 13 degrees by the time I got to my appointment. The windchill was well below zero, like -19 degrees. I wore long johns so my legs didn’t freeze but they froze anyways. I am still thawing out.

My appointment with my psych went well as it can be. I told her the situation with my therapist. I told her I don’t think we can patch things up this time. She is just feeling too incompetent to be my therapist after all this time. I cried a little bit because I still think it’s my fault. I know in reality it’s not but I can’t help thinking that if I didn’t show her that damn blog, we would still be together. Even my psychiatrist said that my blog is supposed to be of my feelings and she doesn’t understand what has changed. I don’t get it either. That is the hard part of all this. But there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried and tried to deal with her and it’s just not working anymore.

After the appointment, I did an errand for my mother and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I needed a refill on my mood stabilizer but they didn’t get to it yet. I am glad it didn’t go to Arizona or left in cyberspace. I will pick it up tomorrow because as I was getting undressed when I got home, my sock decided it was going to kill my foot. I have no idea what happened. I took my sock off and my foot exploded in pain. I literally saw stars the pain was so bad. I can’t bear any weight on my foot so now I am trapped on my bed. I should have bought a burrito when I had the chance.

I called my mother and told her that I might be sleeping by the time dinner is ready. I explained that my foot exploded and she kind of flipped out as she never heard me call it that way before. I had to explain that I was in serious pain and took meds for it to calm down. I also took a baclofen because I started to get zaps in my good foot. Today is just not a good day.

I wanted to give my psych a piece of my pumpkin cake but I was too rushed this morning to grab it. My alarm went off early enough but I just didn’t get out of bed. By the time I did and washed up and brushed my teeth it was time to catch the bus. I am so tired and I really haven’t done too much today. I know it’s probably the pain meds that I took a half hour ago. I should have gotten some more espresso before going home. Plus being in pain is tiring. I told my psych about the cake and how I forgot it. She said that I just have to give it to her in the new year. I said ok. It’s my favorite cake so I don’t mind making it again. It’s really easy too. Much easier than the spice cake version.