Tag: CES

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.

Still hurting big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Still hurting big time

I tried to take it easy today, I really did. I only went out to pick up my niece from school and I stayed in. I iced my ankle and leg while I read with my foot up on a chair. My niece was good, entertained herself with TV or the computer. I made her read for a little bit after watching a TV show. Only time I got mad was when she wasn’t careful taking out something from the fridge and dropped dip on the floor, then walked away from it like she did nothing wrong. She didn’t even bother to attempt to clean it up. That got me really mad but I didn’t yell at her. Just grabbed some paper towels and cleaned it. It hurt to do it because I am not supposed to be on my feet but I couldn’t let the house stink of sour cream and onion dip!

I went up to my apartment after my niece decided she wanted my mother to show her how to operate a sewing machine. It was a little one. Well, that was it for me climbing stairs. My leg gave out after I made myself something to eat for dinner. I shuffled to the kitchen to make myself a glass of ice tea and then retired to my room, where I have been the last couple of hours. I still am hurting despite the rest. I just don’t know what I am going to do. I have a friend from Australia in town and I really want to meet up with him but I am not sure I can. He is only in my neck of the woods for a few days. I left him a message that tomorrow night might work but I don’t have a car like I used to. He came here a few years ago and I am hoping to meet him at the same place as it is more convenient for me. But he hasn’t answered my message.

I had therapy today and it was determined that I am dissociating from my pain. Makes sense because I can feel it but not feel it. Like this morning. I woke up at 0600 kicking my leg and moaning but I didn’t know why. After I woke up a little more I realized I was hurting so I took some pain meds. It was the oddest sensation. My left leg was really hurting but I couldn’t figure out why until I woke up. I just remember it being odd that it was hurting and me shaking the leg like as if a bug was on me or something. Usually, if I move my position, the pain goes away. But I was laying on my left side. I was on my right so I was confused why it was hurting me so much. Then it dawned on me that I have nerve damage and that it was acting up. I hate waking up in pain. But my brain couldn’t process it so only gave me a little hint that it was hurting. My therapist says that I should take my pain meds even though I am not feeling the pain. It just feels so far away from me, like my leg is another person’s or something yet I am feeling their suffering. What is driving me nuts, is that the pain is there but it’s not. I feel it for a few minutes and then it tones down. I still feel it but unless I concentrate, I really can’t feel the intensity. My brain is zoning out on it. I can’t handle the pain I guess and that is why I am dissociating from it. Either that or my leg/ankle/foot are all numb and I really can’t feel it. But I can wiggle my toes, as painful as it is. Any movement in my foot causes me leg pain. It is half way down the side of my leg just in the middle of my calf muscle and goes down into my toes. I know the perneous tendon runs that way and it is all inflamed. I took some Aleve today to try and calm it down but it hasn’t done shit. I still am all swollen and hurting like a SOB. I have to take my meds every few hours to keep from hurting or I am in trouble. But I was able to sleep most of the night. I am grateful for that. Just sucked that I have been up mostly since 0600. I only got about 2 hours of sleep before I had to get my niece. I made breakfast and thought today was going to be ok but I guess the pain meds wore off and now I can’t stand to save my life. My foot keep going asleep on me and when I move it to “wake” it, my leg pain starts up. I really am miserable. It’s awful not being able to walk. I wish I could cut my ankle off. Then if it hurt, there would be a reason. But right now, there is NO fucking reason why I should be in pain. I didn’t do anything but normal stuff like walking up and down stairs. I didn’t stand too long anywhere. I just rested. But I guess I did one too many flights of stairs and now I am paying for it.

My therapist wanted to continue with the SSF and she tried to assess my mental status. Frankly, I don’t know what my mental status is right now other than being really pissed off because I can’t walk. It really is killing me that I can’t do a damn thing without setting my leg pain off. And the swelling is hurting me more than anything and I can’t get it down. I tried elevating it and icing it. NOTHING. I really flared it up and I don’t know what I did. I could kill myself but why and with what? I am trying to just be comfortable being a suicide attempt survivor who is now an author. I don’t think it would be good if I killed myself two months after my book is out.

troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I am having a hard time tonight. It started with some panic attacks about my nerve condition. I had to talk to someone about it as I was getting really nervous but didn’t want to go to the ER. One of my friends from the support group gave me her number and we talk for a few hours. We exchanged stories and the like. It was good talking to her because she knew what I was talking about and that made me feel better.

I still haven’t had a chance to fall asleep. I am still in a lot of pain and it is keeping me up. I have my little sound machine on so that it calms my thoughts. I took two ativan and it still hasn’t knocked me out yet. I feel calmer, just not sleepy.

What set me off tonight was my bladder not functioning the way that it should. All day, I have had some hesitancy that has me worried. It could be because of my pain medication or my bladder getting worse, but as I have had back pain over the last few days, I am hoping it is not disc related. I see my PCP next Tuesday and that is a long time to wait to see him when you are anxious. I hope the symptoms resolve by the time I see him. I know what to do if things get worse but I rather not think about it. I hate having MRI’s done. I will need an IV for contrast so I will need to be hydrated so the nurse/technician can find a good vein. I just am really scared and my friend calm me down some. I know I will be better by morning, if i ever get to sleep. I am very tired but just not sleepy. I hate that.

I thought I would write because sometimes writing helps to put me at ease and help me to fall asleep. I just hope that I am not getting CES x 3. I will be very devastated if this happens, especially when I know I didn’t do anything. I have not lifted anything heavy. I have not picked up anything that might twerk my back or slipped or fallen. The only reason my back could be hurting is the change in temperature. And the pain has gone away. I am just left with my regular stupid ass leg/ankle/foot pain. And tonight it does not want to calm down. Course I took my meds a little later than usual. I was watching the Sox game so time escaped from me. I should have taken them when I came home from my cousin’s house. That would have helped some because I know it was going to flare up tonight.

I feel like I am going crazy. I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I usually don’t get panic attacks like I did tonight. I am usually able to handle them better but tonight I just couldn’t deal. My defenses were down for some reason and I just couldn’t cope. It was really difficult asking for help but I am glad I did reach out and someone answered after midnight. It is now 0400. I am going to try and sleep now. Just hope I don’t dream of being back in the psych ward again. That dream totally freaked me out. I was dreaming of ending my life and got very upset that I couldn’t have the pills to end my life. I woke up wrecked. It has been a bad day for me emotionally and physically. No wonder I needed to talk to someone. I am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. I am also going to see if the Bozo has time Thursday. I am supposed to go to the Sox game but maybe she has an afternoon time before the game. I don’t know. I hate feeling vulnerable. PTSD makes you feel that way.

restless depressive state

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Had a long morning. My father’s doctor was at least forty minutes late, per usual. I am glad I canceled my appointment with my therapist. There would be no way to talk to her.

I then visited a dear friend who is in the hospital fighting cancer and an infection. She had surgery to remove the cancer and developed an infection. She looked very drained. I feel really bad for her. This is the second time she has developed cancer. I hope that it was caught in time. I don’t want to lose my friend.

I have been in a restless depressive state all day. But now it quickly turned into a moody state because I crapped myself. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving the hospital but thought I could make it home in time. I really don’t like taking a crap outside of my house. I like having my supplies handy. I know I should carry them with me but 9 out of 10 times I never have to do a number two so why bother. I just feel so humiliated. I would have been fine if I didn’t stop to check the mail. It was two minutes, too long. I am such an idiot.

I texted my therapist about being an idiot. I don’t have another session with her till Thursday. I wish I was having one tomorrow. But I had to cancel my time because my father had another doctor appointment tomorrow. Oh the joys of spending all this time waiting in doctors offices. I wish these docs ran on time but they never do. I don’t know any doc that runs on time. Even my own!

I didn’t take the mood stabilizer today. But I think taking it is helping my pain. Since taking it, I have noticed a marked decrease in my nerve pain and general pain as I have been using my pain medication less. I don’t know about today though because I did a lot of walking in my AFO getting around the hospital. Hopefully I won’t be in too much agony later tonight.

I hope that I don’t have excruciating pain tonight. It will not bode well with my mood and might put in a suicidal state of mind. I hate being restless. I am going to try and read after I finish this blog. Maybe that will calm down some of the restlessness. I certainly can’t sleep and I don’t want to take an Ativan unless I absolutely need it. I just wish my dignity was intact today. Not to say the day was going well but the crapping my pants just made everything worse. Made me feel like I was a little kid again, and not in a good way. I just feel so terrible. I know rationally it wasn’t my fault, it was stupid nerve damage that caused it. But I still feel like I should have controlled myself some way, even though I can’t anymore. I thought with being constipated I was safe but I guess not. It really is hard to gauge your bowels when you have nerve damage to them. I really don’t know if I am being too harsh with myself or not. As a grown up, you think you should be able to control yourself and when that gets damaged, you just feel awful. I know I am lucky that my damage is minimal as I still have some control. Others have lost theirs entirely. But after dealing with this loss for 13 yrs now, it’s just sucks when you have an accident, plain and simple. And the worst part is that other than my therapist, there is no one I can talk to about it. It’s not like I can tell my sister or a friend. A CES friend would be the only other person to understand. But I am tired of just going on the group site to say that I had an accident and feel terrible when I know most of them have accidents everyday and I don’t. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with and it is so isolating.