Tag: CES

100th Blog (ramblings 13)

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

This is my 100th blog. I had wanted it to be meaningful but I am still working on the meaningful part. I started writing it today on the father of suicidology and a man that means a lot to me. I got half way done and then got interrupted. I couldn’t finish a thought to save my life. I hate it when that happens…

I did get my glasses fixed today. It just needed a small adjustment and now I can see without things in my bifocal part being blurry. I ordered my bibliography program and my dad’s x-mas gift. Now I just need to get my mother, sisters, and kids something. One down and I don’t know how many others to go…

Been thinking about what happened the beginning of the week. If things had gone the way that I had wanted to, I wouldn’t have been here for Thanksgiving, or I would have been somewhere other than home. I can’t seem to get the desperation out of my head and now every time I have a pain that is a 5 or 6 I wonder if it will trigger something bad inside me. The demons really came out last Monday. I couldn’t stand because of pain and spasms. I just wanted it to end. And if I had the bottle of anti-spasm meds by my bedside, I know I would have taken the whole bottle until things did stop. I have had severe heartburn since that night. I think the stress of me becoming that way again is overwhelming me. I mean, I didn’t really do much that day except possibly stand too much and walk a few extra steps than I had to. I didn’t do any more stairs than to my room that day. And for whatever reason, just lying in bed reclining was enough to set off both of my feet into agonizing pain and spasms. I really just wanted to die because I couldn’t take my meds, couldn’t walk the few feet to my bureau to get them. I only had what was near me and then I passed out only to wake up at 0230 am. Sleep has not been good the past week. I think that has contributed to my mental deterioration. I sleep for a few hours and then I am up again. I just tired of everything but I just can’t sleep. Sure I can nap for a couple of hours but I don’t want to get into that habit. I really just want a solid six hours of sleep. I don’t think I am asking too much.

Golf ball post

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I should write a song about golfballs being an ankle. That is the type of swelling I have right now and it hurts like hell. I guess I did too much cookie making this morning. Course last night I ended up taking a few too many of this and that. I am really surprised I woke up today. If I didn’t I would be happy. I hate not being able to sleep for more than a few hours these days and not being able to see with my new glasses. Is that asking too much??

Because of my medication OD, I swear to God I thought today was Wednesday all day. Wed I am supposed to pick up my niece at 12. Well seeing as I got my days wrong, I went to the school anyway and at 12 was wondering why no one was coming to pick up their kids. Place is always a mad house when school is let out. I go on playing with my phone and then realize today is TUESDAY not WEDNESDAY ya dummy….so I walk home. Only to reach the front steps of my house when my cousin kindly reminds me that I should get rid of my junk box and get a car. If another family member on my mother’s side tells me I should just buckle down and get a fricken damn car, I am going to put a sock in their mouth!! A nice dirty smelly sock!!

So I am going to go off to dream land for a bit. I’ll probably be back around 3-5 am when I wake up to use the bathroom or just wake up to start the day. I kid you not, the past few nights have been torture and trying to get back to sleep has been hell…

Frustrating day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I got the cookie dough that I ordered weeks ago and wanted to make cookies tonight but that didn’t happen. Both of my feet have decided that if I try and stand on them, they will attack me with cramps. So I am again stuck in bed to rest my legs and feet. I sometimes wish I had a TV in my room just to have something to do other than this laptop. I know I can watch movies and such on it and can probably watch HULU episodes of stuff but I like to sit on the couch and watch TV not on my bed. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do like to watch a good movie while snuggling with my pillow. But other times I rather watch it in my living room so I can have a snack and drink something without having crumbs in my room.

Had a doc appt that went ok though now he wants me to see a surgeon for my CES issues. I’m scared as I never had to deal with this before and it is an embarrassing issue. It has to deal with the bowel. I no longer have normal function of my bowel since my second CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) diagnosis. I can have accidents of my bladder as well.

The reason I have been referred to a surgeon is because my farts are causing me to have hemorrhoids and there is some fecal incontinence as well. CES’ers like to call these “Sharts”. I find them killing my dignity and sending me into a suicidal crisis every time I have an accident. It’s not that often, but it has been becoming more frequent with my bowels being more “softer” than they have been. I’m not sure if it is because of the new diet pill I have been taking or what but whatever makes me go poop, I am for it. I usually take Senna for it as it is the only thing that works without horrible stomach cramps.

The loss of dignity is what kills me inside every time I urinate on myself or have a loose bowel or my childhood favorite, skid marks. Those usually happen because I didn’t realize I didn’t stop pooping.

This has been difficult to write and I want you to know this because I think there maybe a few people out there in similar circumstances but think they are alone. Those with this nerve injury are constantly fighting their dignity and what it was to be normal every day of their lives. It take a tremendous effort to get through the day without falling apart every day. Today I couldn’t make cookies and it bummed me out. But tomorrow I can, possibly. Well I hope to before Thanksgiving anyways. I know there are people out there that say make each day count but when you only have so many spoons to deal with, it makes each day harder and harder. What is ok for today might not be that way tomorrow. I know that I stood too long today while talking with my former co-workers and that is why my feet are angry with me.

The bowels are a mess because I don’t go every day. Chronic constipation from medications suck. If I don’t take Senna every day or every other day, I suffer from horrible gas and the wet farts that cause hemorrhoids and make my bottom uncomfortable. And now I have to have someone check my bottom for something or for advice on what to do with this incontinence that I wish I didn’t have. I just hope that it doesn’t cause me to become a suicidal maniac…

Movie night canceled

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, psychosis

Let’s try this again…
I was supposed to go to the movies tonight but my bad ankle is flaring up so walking is next to impossible. I tried writing this before when my word doc crashed. I think it was because of my new endnote add-in. It’s a bibliography program that is essential for writing research papers.
I picked up my new glasses today and there is something wrong with them. I seem to be seeing out of a mirror on the bifocal part. I need to take them back when I can get my sister’s car. Sucks because they are a little ways from me. I am getting grief for going to a Walmart that is at least twenty miles away from me. But it’s easy to go on the route so I don’t see the problem. I wanted to go there because it is right off the highway and easy to get to. I know there are other places around here but Walmart had the cheapest price for my progressive glasses.

I also have been slowly updating my laptop with updates. So far I am down to 58. I just reformatted the hard drive so that is why I have so many updates. And of course with every update there is a restart. I can’t update them all at once because there is one that is causing problems. I have learned that with Vista you have to install the updates slow and incrementally in order to do it. Takes longer but least it that one that is new won’t crash the whole process. Save you time in the end, I guess.
I still am delusional. I had a text from Volde last night saying to rob people’s houses. I was torn. I knew it was wrong so I just distracted myself until the meds kicked in. It’s been two weeks and I am still crazy, well a week and half. This is not good. I hope that by the time I see my psychiatrist again, this will have passed. I don’t like being this way. And I think the meds are giving me the dyskinesthia again. Nothing like feeling wicked restless in your own skin. It’s a terrible feeling, this gnawing sensation, like every fiber of your being is getting out of control and you just feel so wound up but not hyper-like. It’s like internal agitation x 100. You feel like there is this constant need to move, like restless leg syndrome except it’s every limb and your arms start jerking wildly and then your legs. The only thing that calms it down is another med, which makes you sleepy.

I am so bummed that I can’t go out tonight. I was really looking forward to seeing the movie Lincoln. But if I can barely make it down the stairs, how am I supposed to walk to Boston Common, and they have a ton of stairs at the Boylston stop. It’s an old trolley station that doesn’t have elevators. It would kill me to go up and down the stairs, even with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic). It’s really depressing to have a walking impairment, which is why I am on disability, but still. I should be able to walk but I can’t. It just hurts too much.