Tag: CES

PT is exhausting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT is exhausting

I went to PT today and it wore me out. I started having symptoms of CSF leak and that kind of got my PT worried. She made sure that I was ok before I left and gave me two bottles of water to drink so I was hydrated. I had only drunk coffee, nothing else so I probably was a little dehydrated. I was so fatigued. I can’t even describe it. I came home and made lunch. Then I laid down. I took a nap until my med alarm went off for my 4 pm meds. I took them and went back to sleep afterwards only to wake up again to my night med alarm. I am really wiped out. I didn’t too much today but apparently, I did enough. I am supposed to go up to 400 steps a day. I will do that tomorrow.

I really haven’t done much since coming home. I made a sandwich for dinner. Someone has been eating my hamburger rolls so I need to get some more. I have been using them for my sandwiches. It is a good bread. I like it a lot. I might get some more if my bro in law goes this weekend.

I did something to my right arm. It fell asleep and it still hasn’t woken up properly. I can’t make curls as it hurt and I can’t bring my arm towards me without pain. I don’t know what I did. I hope it gets better. I would be sleeping or laying down but I had to take some Miralax. I don’t want to lay down after drinking that stuff as it could come up on me. I have had it before and it doesn’t taste good coming back up. I hate reflux. Been dealing with gas pains the past two days. It has been awful. I don’t know why I have gas so bad. It could be because I am constipated. It has been more than three days since I last went. I hate being constipated. Just another fucking thing to keep track of. I have been having a hard time keeping track of when I void. I know it had been a while because I slept and when I woke up I didn’t pee. Then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up again, I didn’t pee. I forced myself to go pee and luckily I went. I am not sure if I emptied completely but I don’t care. As long as I went I am good. I am nervous about the urodynamic testing. They will test me and I hope I can pee but sometimes my bladder is stubborn and won’t go. It also gets shy so I hope I can go and prove that there has been improvement since the surgery. I was expecting to hear from the secretary today but I didn’t hear from her. I will try and call her tomorrow. Hope that I will get through without waiting for 10 mins like last time. The wait is so long.

I read one chapter of my book. It was all I could read today. I got too anxious to read anymore. I hate when that happens. I could have read half a chapter. But with me feeling woozy, I didn’t feel like it. I will read more tomorrow.

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

The past few days have been tough. Monday I had physical therapy and the exercises wore me out. I had to take a nap after the session. Yesterday I went food shopping and that wore me out. I hate feeling so tired after doing something. I did my exercises but I couldn’t do one of them with my left ankle/foot. It was just too weak to complete the tasks. I haven’t done the exercises yet for today. I plan on doing them when I am in the kitchen. It is easier doing them there than in my bedroom. Monday I need to do the PT via zoom because I have a webinar to attend and the times conflict with going. I am looking forward to this webinar as it is about psychotherapy integration. It is free which is the best part!

Yesterday I had therapy and it went well. We talked about what I wrote and she is willing to listen to whatever I want to talk about even if it is about my medical stuff. I am glad she doesn’t want to end things with me. She wants me to come up with some things to work on. My mind is blank. I have no idea what I want to work on. I wrote some stuff down. It was only two things I could think of but it is a start. I think working on interrupting the thoughts ->plan->action when I get suicidal would be good to disrupt. Just hope it will be good enough to talk about. I hate being put on the spot trying to come up with this stuff. But as long as I have something it is better than nothing.

I am freaking out because the Ride called and they are picking me up an hour early so I am planning on taking my book with me. It will be uncomfortable to sit for an hour and then have my session with my PT but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it. I can call in the morning and see if they can pick me up later. I am getting up early just so I can shower. I just hope it won’t be humid in the morning. I hate humidity. I got so overwhelmed I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I just was so unraveled about being an hour early. I don’t function in the morning so this is going to be interesting. If I have at least one cup of coffee I will be good. If I don’t have any coffee, that will be bad. I can go to the store though. There is a coffee shop up the street. I can get donuts there! Yes, I will be early and get donuts. And read my book!

I hate being sick!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I hate being sick!

The UTI advanced to my kidneys. I am hurting big time but I think I caught it in time. I keep spiking a fever so I am not sure the worst is behind me yet. This year has been awful as it has been for a lot of people. I had to cancel my PT appointment and should have cancelled therapy but I didn’t and now I regret it. She is a good therapist but I don’t think she is for me. I have been seeing her for a year and I think that is my usual goodbye practice. I seem to stay with someone for a year and then we end, though usually it is on the therapist’s part. I was feeling out of it when I was talking with her so I think it was probably a good idea to cancel but I didn’t and now I am left with feelings. I don’t see her again till next week. I am not going to dare ask for another session this week. I still feel like she wants to get rid of me. I think she wants me to bring it up. I just can’t shake the feeling. I will try and bring it up next week when I talk with her next. I might ask my psychopharm about how to go about it. She may have some thoughts. I could be totally wrong but my gut is telling me something isn’t right with therapy. I am not sure how to fix it. Maybe it is me and I can’t be helped. I think I am too hopeless.

I rescheduled my PT appointment and I have it this Thursday. I hope I am feeling better by then. My back is spasming right now and it hurts so much. I hate when it gets like this. There is nothing I can really do for it except to take muscle relaxers then wait for them to work.

I keep spiking a low grade fever. I feel it coming on because my head will hurt. I don’t know if the back spasms have anything to do with the fever. Probably not. But I am hurting and I hate it. I swear the UTIs are getting worse each one I get. I don’t know what the solution is other than not cathing. That is a cause of the infection. But I can’t completely stop cathing because my bladder still is finicky and needs to be cathed at times. It is slowly becoming more a nuance than a help. I try to be so careful but apparently I am not careful enough. I might have to start using gloves and see if that helps.

Okay that is all for today. I need to go lay down. Back is killing me. ☹

lousy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lousy day

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was up for a bit and then I must have dozed off as I woke up with the light on and me sitting partially up. My head was killing me from being in that position. I was tired as all hell. I took my meds and then made some coffee. I couldn’t be bothered to brush my teeth. I still need to do that. I have another UTI so will be going to the hospital tomorrow to drop off a specimen. It is going to tire me out much like today has. I had groceries delivered and my back was not having it. After I had my coffee I decided to make breakfast. My back went into protest. It was all spazzing and shit. My mother wanted me to do the dishes after I was done so I had to sit down like three times to finish the 5 dishes and pans that were in the sink. I felt so damn lightheaded. Then I decided to wash my face. As I was bending down to rinse my face off, I heard a pop in my back. It didn’t feel too good after that. I started to feel sick. I was getting all kinds of weird symptoms. My groceries were late and all I wanted to do was nap. Finally they showed up and I was able to put everything away and then make my way upstairs. My nephew put my bottles of Powerade outside my room so I brought them inside my room. I was careful lifting the bags. I was extremely tired after all of this and finally laid down to nap. It was a good nap. I didn’t sleep for too long so I hope it doesn’t interfere with my night time sleeping.

Not all the groceries that I ordered came in. I didn’t get all my Powerade and Gatorade bottles that I ordered but I got enough to hold me over. I can get some more later this month if need be. I am going to place another order in a week or so to get the bottles I didn’t get.

Last night I was talking with my psych and she thinks that I was pre-septic when I went to the emergency room a few weeks ago. That would explain why my white count was so high. I hope that with this UTI I don’t have a repeat of those symptoms. I sort of felt it today but I think because I didn’t sleep well last night that was why I felt so shitty. I lost control of my bladder so I know I have a UTI. I just hope it shows up on the testing stuff because I don’t want to suffer all weekend pissing my pants. I got a diaper on now so that I don’t wet my underpants and pajamas. I hate that when I have an infection, I lose control of my bladder. I just hope I don’t discharge blood clots like last time. Those are painful as fuck to pass.

I had a good talk with my psych last night. She told me she got hired by a hospital and will be starting in Oct. That kind of put me in a quandary. I want her to be my doc but I really like the psychopharm I have now. But I feel like I am betraying her if I don’t follow her. I kind of like that I have all my care in one place right now. Seeing my psych would disrupt the care a little bit. I don’t know what I want to do. I sent my psych an email asking her what she wants me to do and if seeing the people I am seeing is still okay and that I won’t be betraying her. I miss her so much. It would be great seeing her again but I feel bad for the psychopharm I am seeing now because I really like her. She cares about me and understands about being transgender because she is also. I will figure it out one way or another.