Tag: chronic illness

therapy and food shopping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and food shopping

I woke up before my alarm went off. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. I thought about a shower but opted against it. I called my psych and spoke to her for a bit. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her it varies. Right then, I was okay and kind of looking forward to therapy as I needed someone to talk to. She welcomed the idea. She then said see you Friday and I agreed to meet with her then.

My niece came by to collect her phone. My crazy cousin came with her. She was spewing the latest health bullshit. Swimming helped her friend get off all her psych meds so she is going to try it. She then listed all of the benefits. Nothing I hadn’t heard or read before. Then she started yapping away about anything and everything. All that kept going in my mind was, when are you going to fucking leave???!!! She said she had to go to the cemetery to visit her grandmother as it was her birthday. She left, my niece leaving with her. I went back upstairs to my room. I was tired but didn’t want to sleep. I got dressed and caught the next bus.

I spent most of the afternoon at Starbucks before my therapy appointment. About three minutes before he was to call me in, I wanted to bolt. I don’t know why I get that way. I didn’t leave and met with him. I didn’t know what to talk about with him. I know we talked about the hospital and then he said I was angry. I was like yea, I am because I went to get help and didn’t get it. Then he said you get that a lot don’t you. I nearly flipped on him at that point but kept my mouth shut. I didn’t say anything. Actually, I don’t think I spoke for the rest of the session. Before leaving he said we’ll be meeting next week and then he will be on vacation. Fine with me. Take the rest of the month off. I don’t care. He is so useless to me. I just see him to waste money, like I do everything else in my life. I honestly don’t know why I see him.

After therapy, I got to the square and caught the bus to a Stop and Shop that was closer to my house. It was really warm today and my back was hurting me. I had to get deli meat and of course there was a line. You couldn’t put in an order and continue shopping. The number was 137 and I had 142 so I didn’t have to wait too long. Unfortunately, things that I wanted were on the other side of the store. My foot got a spasm and I knew I had to hurry up or I was going to pay for it. My back didn’t like standing for twenty minutes. I was dragging by the time I got everything I needed and left. I then went to Walgreens to get my scripts and my order. I was sweating really bad, so bad that my sunglasses kept sliding down on my face. I basically crawled home because my foot felt like I was walking on rocks. I need to get cushions for my AFO (ankle foot orthotic).

I came home and collapsed into a chair. I asked my mother to get me some water but she didn’t know how to operate the 2.5 gallon jug so I had to get up and get myself the water. I then had the dinner she made before putting the groceries away. Tomorrow I will have a nice turkey and cranberry wrap. I bought flaxseed lavish bread. I usually don’t buy it because I am the only one that likes it and I usually end up eating just one or two in the pack. Maybe I will make some scrambled eggs and roll them up in the bread. It’s not a flour tortilla but close enough.

I was drenched so decided to shower. I had peed myself anyway as my underwear was really wet with pee and sweat. My foot did not like it and cramped on me while I was washing my hair. I didn’t care. I was going to use the new bath gel that I bought but I needed a quick shower so just used my regular soap, rinsed, and dried. I went up to my hot room and quickly turned on the AC. Before I went on my bed, I took my meds and grabbed my phone so I didn’t have to get up again. As my laptop booted up, I took my pain meds. I hadn’t taken any since this morning. I didn’t bring them with me while I was out.

Needless to say, I am exhausted. Next week I hope to catch a later bus because the 1200 is too early and I get bored by 1400. There is only so much journal writing I can do before my mind wanders. I hope I sleep tonight but I am in a lot of pain so I might now. I got my Ka’u coffee grounded so I will have that tomorrow. I am not planning on going out tomorrow unless espresso calls me. I got to call the dentist and verify that my appointment with him is on this Thursday. I think she said the 3rd but I want to make sure.

burgers and nectarines, Oh My!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Burgers and nectarines, oh my!

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0600. Then I woke up nearly every two hours. I had shut off my phone so I could sleep without interruptions. I am glad I did because my sister called me around 1130. I didn’t wake up fully till about 1415. I was wicked tired and had a headache. I made coffee and the first sip woke me up. Nothing better than that!

I thought my sister would have made the burgers but she wasn’t home. I thought about going to Walgreens to pick up my scripts and the order I placed, but my ankle started acting up about half way through my coffee. I didn’t feel like going out. I will just get them tomorrow.

By the time I checked the score of the ball game, it was around 1600. I briefly participated in the weekly BPD chat on Twitter. Then hunger got the better of me and I got the burgers from my sister. I made them for my mother and I. My mother didn’t like them. She never likes food that she doesn’t cook or buy, especially when it comes to meat. I had one and half burgers and then a nectarine. It was good. I was pretty full and then went up to my room.

While I was up in the middle of the night, I wanted to try out the camera on my phone so I took some selfies. I have a fairly thick set of chin hairs and took pics of them. Then I titled the pics about it saying I was a transman. My 2nd oldest niece liked the pics. I don’t know if she knows what transman is. I haven’t come out to her as she is a little immature and has a blabber mouth. I was hoping to give her the phone that I got her but she hasn’t come by yet. I don’t know when she will. Kids.

I’m hoping to take my meds a little later than I usually take them so maybe that will be the trick in me sleeping before midnight. It’s getting dicey staying up that late because if I am in pain, I am up all night or most of it. I emailed my psych before I went to sleep to tell her of my sleep troubles. She responded asking me to check in with her tomorrow and is hoping staying up all night reset my sleep cycle. I feel really tired and can go back to sleep but I’m not going to. I will try and stay up till 2100 and then shut off my electronics to sleep. I think I will read and see if that works.

Damn ankle is stabbing me. I just took some pain meds while I was drinking my coffee so I can only take the strong pain pill, which is my breakthrough med. Thing is, I am constipated so taking more of this pill will just make matters worse. I will put some lidocaine on it when I finish writing this blog. Lidocaine has been a lifesaver for me. It was working well last night until I moved my fucking ankle. Then all hell broke loose and I couldn’t sleep till 0600. Guess I am not taking a shower like I wanted to. I’ll have to take it tomorrow or whenever this pain settles down.

Lately, I have just been eating one meal a day. Yesterday I had some soup and eggplant followed by a steak and cheese sub with fries. Today was just burgers and a nectarine. I think I will have some cherries later. They are good. My mother doesn’t like them but whatever. I swear her taste buds are going as she ages. Nothing tastes right for her anymore, unless she makes/cooks it. I don’t get it. It kind of worries me that something neurological is going on.

the 4 AM painsomnia blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The 4 AM Painsomnia blog

It is a little after 0400 and I still have not slept a wink. Pain is keeping me up. I have tried different drugs and was getting ready to settle down about a half hour ago, when I moved my ankle to get comfy and was rewarded with more pain. I am so tired, physically and mentally, of this crap. I don’t understand how normal movements of my ankle the way it is supposed to work are causing me loads of pain. It doesn’t make sense. Maybe my neuro can help me. I see her in a couple of weeks.

I have been adding apps to my phone. I still haven’t made the playlists on my MP3 player. That will involve my old phone and mega time. I actually don’t know if the songs will be on the old phone because I took out the storage card. It had all my music on it. Will really suck if I have to create each playlist and then try to remember what songs were in it. I had a good list going, too. Should have written it down before pulling the card out. Oh well.

I took my pain meds a little while ago, before my pain really hit skyrocket levels. I am debating on taking the strong pain med and another Ativan. With any luck I will be asleep by 0530. I hate when I am up all night. I probably will be sleeping all morning and into the afternoon again. I feel like waking my mother up and telling her I am going to sleep now so she has some idea that I don’t sleep when I am in my room. I could do it just to be a bastard.

I think the CRPS is spreading up my leg. Lately, I have been getting pains above my ankle, nerve pain, on the same side where my ankle hurts and where originally the swelling was greatest. It hasn’t hurt like that in a while so I thought it had gone away. Now it doesn’t seem to be the case. It just causes me to have hypervigilance and anxiety with my PTSD symptoms. That’s why I wanted to take the strong pain med and Ativan. Kill two birds with one stone. And it might help me doze off.

I keep trying to ignore the pain but it is throbbing and it changes and moves all over the place. One side of my foot will feel one thing, the top of my foot will feel another. My toes will feel something else and my ankle will just have several kinds of pain all at once. It can be up, down, and all around. There is no rhyme or reason to it, which is so frustrating. I took some Neurontin for the burning pain and applied Lidocaine so numb it. Then I move my ankle to get comfy and was overwhelmed with pain again just as I thought it was finally settling down. Fucker. It’s awake so so am I.

I took the meds. Fuck it. I need relief and sleep. I got to wait an hour or so for the Ativan to work. I was watching videos on Facebook. One of them was about how to cook eggs easily. It showed how to unpeel a boiled egg in a container after putting some water and then shaking it with a cover on the container. It was cool. Also showed how to make a poached egg in the microwave. I’ll have to see it again to learn how. I like poached eggs once in a while but they can be messy when you make it by pan. I saved the link so I have it in my saved thingy. I really like that option.

My sister thawed out burgers so she will be making them today. I know I am going to have a couple! That is my favorite summer food. I want to buy the grill thingy that you put on the stove to grill things without mess. I should have written down the number or the website. Maybe they will have it at Walgreens in the “shown on tv” section. It would be awesome to make grilled stuff year round. So when I wake up from my “nap”, the food should be ready, lol. I wish I had bought cole slaw with my grocery order. Maybe I will get it when I go grocery shopping later today. I need to get my bread that wasn’t delivered. My mother buys wheat bread, which is okay, but I like multigrain bread. It just tastes good. I also plan on buying some deli turkey breast. Boar’s Head just came out with a new kind called Maple Honey Turkey breast. I want to try it. I also want to get more ribs. They are so good.

I know I take a lot of psych meds, but having to take all these pain meds drives me nuts. It’s only because the pain changes so I need to adjust the dose or take lidocaine or Neurontin more because I know the opioids won’t respond to it. I never get to a zero but a three would be nice every once in a while. Someone liked one of my low pain tweets about wanting to shower on Twitter. It was back in June. Long time since that day. I think the weather has caused my pain to spike. It decreased another 10 degrees. It’s 57 degrees F right now. It was 70 degrees when I woke up at 1415, so many hours ago. So what is that, 13 degrees in a little more than 12 hours? No wonder I am in pain. Fucking human barometer I am. SUCKS!!

telling a turtle to run fast

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Telling a turtle to run fast

I woke up in the middle of the night due to pain. I took some meds and then had something to eat. I couldn’t go back to sleep so decided to set up my new phone. I had charged it while I was sleeping. There were plenty of updates like the phone I was giving my niece. It took a while for every thing to download. I think I finally went back to sleep around 0600. I woke up around 1415. I had a bad dream that I was diagnosed with lymphoma and was telling my father’s side of the family. In the dream, my cousin was my doctor (which is weird because in real life, he’s an architect). I woke up after we hugged one another. It was very strange.

I went down to go to the bathroom and then make coffee. I asked my mother if she wanted a cup and she did. I made it and gave it to her. I then went upstairs with my coffee. As I was drinking it, I was updating my apps to my new phone. Some had transferred over and some didn’t. I didn’t realize I had a 64GB internal memory. That is neat. After I played with my phone and my coffee was half done, my sister wanted to see me so I went downstairs. I got to the bottom and my ankle gave out on me. Lovely. My mother makes some funny comment and I’m like whatever. Then she says I sleep too much. That pissed me off. I told her I am not sleeping at night and so I need to sleep during the day. I must tell her this nearly every day. I think the next time I wake up at 0300, I am going to wake her up so she knows I’m up and see how she likes it. I am so mad that she gives me no fucking support. I said so to my sister, and she said it’s like telling a turtle to run fast. It is still annoying.

I had some eggplant and some soup that was left over from the other night. I’m still kind of hungry so I might order a sub. I had to shut the AC off because it’s quite cool today. Luckily, my back isn’t hurting from the drop in temps. I don’t get how it can be this cool in July, but I will take it over scorching hot. It’s cloudy today, least it is now. I hope it doesn’t rain because I want to try and listen to the ball game.

My Hawaiian coffee came today. I will have it grounded on Monday and then have it Tuesday. I love this coffee. I am going to use it sparingly because it costs a lot but it’s worth it. Monday I see my dipshit therapist. I have no idea what to talk to him about other than how the hospital stay didn’t help me at all but keep me safe. It did annoy me to the point of giving in to my suicidal urges/tendencies. I haven’t acted on it while I have been out but I am still planning. The other therapy place hasn’t called me and because I slept most of the day yesterday, I didn’t call them like I wanted to. I will call Monday before I leave to see dipshit.

Before I went to bed last night, I called Sprint to see if the return kit was on its way. I wanted to make sure the idiot I was talking to did the right thing and that I don’t have three phones I am paying for. He said the kit will arrive on Monday as it takes 3-5 business days. As long as it’s on its way, that is all I need to know.

I put the otterbox and screen protector on my new phone while I was up around 5. It is much thinner than my other one. I tried not to get bubbles with the screen protector but I did. I am not that great at putting on protectors. I am hoping that this new phone will allow the functions of my Bluetooth headset to work. It didn’t work with my old phone. I seemed to have thrown the pin used to take the extended storage card out. I don’t know what happened to it after I used it. Hopefully I don’t need it again. The only thing that sucks about this phone compared to the old one is charging takes forever. It takes at least two hours to fully charge. I do like it in every other way. I found how to make different screens while I was updating my niece’s phone. My ringtone transferred over so I don’t have to change that. I hope it did for my contacts as well, though I don’t know because the ringtones are different. I have to find annoying ones for my mother and her crazy sister so I know who it is that calls me.