bitch rant about everything today

Bitch rant about everything today

So my fucking pain woke me up *kindly* at 3 am. Took an hour and half to get back to sleep. When my alarm went off, I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in bed for 45 minutes, literally down to the minute to get up to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and then get dressed to catch the bus. I got to the bus stop and checked the schedule. The bus wasn’t coming for another half hour to the Square so caught the other bus to catch another bus. I got to Starbucks and joyfully had my espresso. After yesterday’s hassles for caffeine fix, this was heaven. I had a sandwich and then had to catch the train. My pain had gone down, and I was suspicious but just kept going.

The doc was about a half hour late. She said I could take the allegra twice a day until allergy season was over (I have year round allergies, so don’t know what this means!) My lungs were clear and then I begged her for a chem panel to check my electrolytes. She put the diagnosis as bipolar 2 as she didn’t think my insurance would cover with a bronchitis diagnosis. Whatever. This was at 11 am. Still no labs back. I hope my potassium isn’t elevated.

I went to Boston’s Back Bay area to get my second phone fixed. It was going to take an hour so I went across the street to Starbucks so I could write in my journal. It was a nice day. The Starbucks didn’t have seating inside so I sat outside. I was by the Public Gardens and when my phone was done, I so wanted to walk through them but I was already tired and knew if I tried, I would hurt.

I went a different way home. I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus. I came home and I was just wiped out. I wasn’t having too much pain in my ankle/foot. I went up to my room and I nearly collapse. I just had a severe wave of exhaustion. I wanted a nap but couldn’t seem to settle down. I made a couple of phone calls. I ended up with voicemails so had to wait for callbacks. Luckily, both called me back and I was able to settle the issues. I will be seeing my former PT next week for my groin issue. I sent her an email saying I would be seeing her soon and the reason why. I am glad I don’t have to go through my history as she knows it.

After about an hour and trying to figure out what to have for dinner, my ankle flared and I got a migraine. I was just not happy. I was also frustrated. My mother was watching some show with bad violin playing. I complained on Twitter and some Canadian responded saying it was a PSA for strokes. I had no idea what she was talking about. She then explained, like I gave a shit. She also sent me a YouTube video. I didn’t watch it. I don’t fucking care. Leave me the fuck alone. I said my mother was WATCHING not that she was playing a violin. Jeez.

My mother then went to the kitchen and turned on the TV. My head exploded so I wasn’t going to the kitchen right then. I figure I would wait till she was done and then get something to eat. 45 minutes later she is still there and doing the dishes, with the TV full fucking blast. I went downstairs. As I made an egg, I lowered the TV. When it was done, I said are you watching the TV. My mother said no do you want to change the channel. I said no, I want it off. She then asked if my ears hurt. I said no, I have a migraine. She sarcastically said something and walked away. WTF. My mother just doesn’t understand anything that is wrong with me, be it a migraine, my psych issues, my CRPS, etc. Leave me the fuck alone. I ate in silence until my mother turned the TV in the living room on and turned up the fucking volume. Thanks Ma. I wanted a hammer so I could smash the fucking thing. She has closed captioning so why she needs the fucking noise, I have no idea. Even on mute, the words come on the screen. I was fuming and it wasn’t helping my head or ankle.

went into a flare when I went back up to my room and my nephew came by. We chatted and flare seemed to settle. Went downstairs and my mother wanted coffee so I made it for her. Took of my glasses because my head was still hurting. brought the coffee to my mother and went upstairs. Reached the top of the landing when I realized I left my glasses in the kitchen. Do’h!!! Guess what flared again????

feeling lost

Feeling lost

I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I couldn’t write. My brain was all messed up due to pain. I hate that it is interfering with my writing. My blog is my baby and I have nurtured it so much and now, I just can’t keep up with it every day. I didn’t want to write today but I am scared that if I fall into the fuck its, I might not get back into writing. I am hardly journaling anymore.

I went to therapy today and told him that I had trouble getting a cup of decent coffee. Starbucks had their racial bias training today so were closed. The first place I went to for a soy latte was horrible. I paid $8 and I swear bile tasted better than this shit. Then I went to coffee where I spent another $3 for just cream, water, and sugar. If there was coffee in there, I didn’t taste it. Then when the bus went by another coffee shop, I knew I should have went there first! I totally forgot about them. I will try them next week when I have therapy.

Session went okay. I was scattered and was talking about various things. I told him my spending is kind of getting out of control. I am making these impulsive buys, even at Walgreens. He said that I was missing something. Okay. That was the only feedback I got from him. Then it was see you next week. Oh well.

I was hurting by the time I came home. It was hot out so I was sweating. I really didn’t feel well. I wanted to shower but I wanted to rest a bit. My mother was cooking dinner so I had that and then I showered. I took a nap and felt worse afterwards. I had turned the AC on so my foot was frozen. I shut it off but kept the ceiling fan on. I hope the room doesn’t heat up.

I made an appointment with my PCP for tomorrow. I won’t be seeing him but one of his colleagues. He is never available when I need him. I got the bill for the walk in clinic and nearly croaked! It was $250! I am pretty sure they did not charge my insurance. I know the highest co-pay would be at least $50. I need to call them tomorrow before they charge my bank card. Totally ridiculous.

Sunday Blog 27-May-2018

Sunday Blog 27 May 2018

I’ve been feeling sick most of the day. My stomach is still bothering me. I am going to make a cup of chamomile tea soon to see if that settles it. I would love some chicken soup but the package that I have expired, oh only 10 years ago. Oops. I’ll have to go to the store and get some more. I usually like the Lipton better than canned soup because I can add water to make it less salty. It is my comfort food.

Sox lost big time. I don’t know what is going on with this pitcher that was an ace last year. He got hit with a ball on Opening Day and I think it is affecting him in some way or he is hurt and won’t own up to it. My cousin and I were texting about it throughout the game.

I wanted to throw some stuff out in my room and clear things but I just feel so lousy. I just need the trash and recycles taken out. I need to change my sheets so need to clear my bed off. One corner of my bed is full of stuff. I have no idea how it accumulates. I’ve been bad on keeping it clear. Think I need to take one or two things off per day until it is clear as taking everything off will just overwhelm me and nothing till happen.

The weather is at least 20-25 degrees cooler today. I woke up freezing as I had the AC and fan going most of the night. Then my foot got ice cold and on went the thermals to warm it up. I’ve been trying not to nap as I did yesterday which didn’t do me any favors. I got hungry around midnight and ordered a burger. It was so good. I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 2. My med alarm went off around 7. I went to the bathroom and still had the shits but not as bad. I thought it was done until I woke up around noon. That is when I took the Imodium. I really didn’t want to because it constipates me more than my meds do. I really need to stay on top of it this week or I will have trouble the end of the week again. Sucks having to have these things to worry about constantly. My bronchitis isn’t doing me any favors either. I am still having wheezing and coughing after going upstairs to my room. Probably why I feel so worn out, dealing with these new things on top of my chronic pain.

Tomorrow is a holiday so I don’t have therapy. I was able to see my therapist at another time this week, which is good. I will see him on Tuesday. The weather will be better. I think it will be 70 most of the week.

Colon blow and other Cauda Equina Syndrome “fun” things

Colon blow and other Cauda Equina Syndrome “fun” things

I didn’t write my blog yesterday. I only got a few hours sleep due to pain and worrying that I would sleep through my alarm. I went to my psych appointment and she put me on a new antidepressant that is out. I came home and had a severe flare. My pain was through the roof. I was supposed to go to the ball game but it wasn’t happening. After my mother made dinner, I took about an hour and half nap when my phone’s med alarm went off. I took my night meds and got so sick. I haven’t moved my bowels all week so been feeling ill and I think the new med just made me nauseous. I thought I was going to hurl. I took my Zofran and laid still. I also took some Mylanta because I had gas really bad. When I didn’t feel like puking anymore, I took some fiber to help my bowels move along but a few hours later, nothing happened.

I decided to try some Miralax to help move things. I was hurting so bad and I swear my stool was moving into my small intestine rather than move along to my colon. I was still passing gas but nothing else. I went to Walgreens and bought some and a Gatorade to take it with. Having suffered from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), getting constipated is a HUGE thing. There is a varied range of people’s degree of injury to their bowel nerves. Some don’t feel themselves go so become incontinent and being constipate helps to prevent accidents. Some have a designated shit day where they take laxatives and spend the day on the can to relieve themselves. Taking medication for pain can be constipating. I have no feeling for soft or loose stool so can pass them with gas if I am not mindful of it. Never trust a fart is a common saying among those with CES.

I usually have hard stool and can go with senna. Lately, because of my flares and needing more pain meds, it hasn’t been working. Usually fiber helps me move along and I try not to have plans the following day so I can go to the bathroom in the privacy of my own bathroom. I hate using a public restroom when out because I don’t have the mobility to reach my behind like I used to due to my back surgeries. When the fiber and senna do not work, I take Miralax hence why I went to Walgreens today. I have been having a ton of flatulence which I cannot trust. I was able to have a few movements after taking the Miralax but now I am having what is known as colon blow where all you do is go to the bathroom. Since I can’t trust a fart, every time I get the sensation of urges (I can’t tell if it is a stool or gas urge), I run to the bathroom. For the past hour, I just have been shitting little turds, which is annoying me as the stool is messy. My bottom is so irritated and I have to use the incontinence spray that you don’t have to rinse to soothe it.

The most undignified thing is, because I can’t trust a fart and I have a lot of gas, I am now wearing a diaper to prevent my underwear from being soiled. I already had one accident today that required a shower. With the comfort of the diaper, I can let loose and if some stool comes out, I don’t have to freak out and be constantly changing my underwear. I have taken some stomach stuff for gas so I hope it helps. I don’t want to take Imodium because I don’t have loose stool even though I know it would help the gas part.

Another lovely “perk” is nerve pain after moving hard stools. This rectal pain can drive people who have never been suicidal to become suicidal. Nothing is worse than a pain in the ass that no pain meds can touch. Sometimes the pain can last a few minutes or hours or days. It sucks. No doctor knows why, even the colon experts.

The worst part of this day from hell, is I have been going up and down the stairs all day as the bathroom is downstairs from my bedroom. I hope it doesn’t cause another flare. Yesterday’s flare is still giving me nightmares. My ankle has CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It doesn’t like movement. I am sure I will flare later tonight, despite taking a nap. Rest doesn’t always help my pain like some pain conditions. I hate the unpredictability that CRPS brings. I wish there was a way to control it but there isn’t. I long for the days when my pain was driven by activities during the day. Now, it doesn’t matter. I can be at home all day and I will hurt. I can go out a few hours to have a cup of coffee and write for a bit only to hurt later in the night. It is awful. I hate it. It has taken away all the things I love. I feel beaten. And then I will have days like today where I am crapping my pants. It’s too much. I just always hope that tomorrow will be a little less painful because that is all I can do.