Tag: coffee

a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Woke up today in pain. It should have been a sign not to go out today but it was such a beautiful day out I decided to go out anyways. I got my coffee at Starbucks, my West Java which tastes like a little chocolate coffee. I started journaling but got bored so decided to write a letter to my therapist about how I feel about our last few sessions.

I feel like she has been blowing me off when I tell her I am suicidal. The most she can say is go into the hospital instead of trying to work through it. And that just pisses me off because the hospital is NOT the fucking answer to being suicidal. She doesn’t use the pain scales or even use the SSF’s when I get suicidal anymore. I think I am barking up the wrong tree. I don’t even know if she is taking me seriously anymore. I have not thought how I would kill myself but I just know that I want to die. I am trying to write this all down but my head is still half asleep because I took a pain pill before leaving the house and it makes it hard to concentrate. And the music today in Starbucks was a little louder than it normally is so I was being distracted very easily and could not focus on what I wanted to write. So I texted her that I wanted a check in, not to tell her all this, but just to tell her I am having a hard time. I hope she calls me but then we have an early appointment tomorrow so she may not.

On my way home, a three wheeled stroller got on the bus next to me. On my way off, my bad ankle couldn’t clear the wheels and I sort of tripped. Just fucking great. I now am in really bad pain and I have a golfball swelling on my ankle bone. I just iced it, took another pain pill, and put on the compound mixture of different meds to try and get it to calm down. So far, the pain is down a notch but that is all. I am screwed. I know tomorrow I am not going out as I need to rest it. All because I wanted to get a coffee at my favorite coffee house.

Today I finally learned how to print a PDF from my new laptop. I really didn’t want to have to switch laptops to get it printed. But control P works! The article I printed was about CAMS, Collaborating Assessment and Managing Suicide. It was a nice article that summarized the breakdown of how it evolved and where it stands now. I love this idea and I wish my therapist would open her pea brained mind just a little bit to let this in but noooo. I don’t want her to become a suicidologist, just to open her mind a little about the current trends out there that might be helpful to me. Is that too much to fucking ask??

My safety is kind of in question at the moment. I really want to slice open my ankle to let the swelling out but I don’t think I will get anything more than just blood. I would have to cut pretty deep to get to the root of the swelling and cutting deep would mean stitches. If that happens, I am liable to end up in the hospital. I don’t want that. I just want the swelling and pain to go down. Ice has not helped. I get to ice it again in an hour or two. I know part of the reason it hurts is because it is swollen. There is not much space for swelling to happen down there and it hurts when there is fluid build up. I was hoping that compound might shrink the tissues but it does the opposite with one of the ingredients. It brings blood to the surface to absorb the stuff. I can’t tell if it helps. I only have used it twice so far.

No ball game tonight so I will be bored. Maybe I can get some reading done. I have not been so great at that. Facebook games have been distracting me. But seeing as I will be laid up for a while until the swelling in my ankle goes down, I think reading will be good, as I got like a 1,000 page book to read. It is called Team of Rivals and is about how four people became the republican nomination for presidency in 1860, and also about Lincoln and the war. I have not ventured too far in the book but I am making headway as I am at page 150. It is easy reading though I cannot read too long because then my eyes do a weird thing that makes things double. I feel like I could use another cup of coffee. I am so tired but I don’t feel like going downstairs to get it. It will put too much of a strain on my ankle.

Dreaming about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, writing

Dreaming about being in pain

Today I woke up at 05:30 after having a dream that my foot exploded into pain. I woke up to find that I was indeed in pain. I had somehow rolled onto my back (I am usually a side sleeper) and crossed my feet, which my bad foot didn’t like. I took a couple of pain pills and then tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. The pain just wouldn’t ease up until the meds kicked. By then I became fully awake and have been up the past several hours. I am starting to get cranky to the point of yelling at my deaf mother for having the TV too loud. I just took some more pain meds and some Ativan to try and take a nap.

I had therapy again today. This time I just bitched about my horrible day yesterday and we talked a little about yesterday being the anniversary of why I got into therapy to begin with: my father. I don’t like him anymore today than I did 22 years ago. He is the source of my problems and last night even though I was struggling, I really wanted to cut like I did when this whole thing started. I won’t go into detail about it because I am just too tired to stir up memories of that night. Actually today is the day I first started therapy 22 yrs ago. But it was the events on the 5th and 6th that lead up to it and me wanting to kill myself. Funny how chronic pain changes you. 22 years ago I wanted to die because my father was and still is an asshole and today I want to die because I am in chronic pain, physically and mentally. I know that I never will have a dad though I still call him that. To me he is just a sperm donor. The love I once had for him has been long gone and it isn’t coming back.

The weather certainly has got me still in pain. My spine is still aching and my thigh is just in nerve pain hell for some reason. I don’t know why. I haven’t had this type of nerve pain for at least a year or two. I hope that it doesn’t indicate that my scar tissue has grown more on my nerve root. I am always fearful of that but then the docs will just chock it up to me being overweight and the weight is compressing my nerves. I had a conversation with a doc that said that even if I was normal weight or sub-normal weight I still would have the same back problems. Being normal weight or less than what I am now is not going to really change the fact that I have had four surgeries at two different levels and that I have a deteriorating spine.

Despite being up early, I was not so productive today. I had to cancel my eye appointment because there was no way I was walking on icy sidewalks and risk spraining an ankle in this weather. I had breakfast and lunch and my coffee. I just got my tribute blend coffee from Starbucks in the K-cups for the Keurig. I love this coffee. It is such a very full bodied coffee that just tastes so good. I just wish it would keep me from being foggy brained but I think the meds are kicking in…

On another note before I take a nap, I finally found my missing journal. When I changed the sheets the other night I placed it somewhere and forgot where I put it. I knew it was somewhere in my room because why would I take it out. But it got buried in a hamper so I didn’t see it right away. I haven’t written in three days. That is a long stretch for me as I usually write every night before going to bed. It helps to relax me. Which is probably why I have been so worked up the past few days. I started writing this morning and probably will write another entry before bed. I am so glad I found it because I really like writing on paper more than on the computer. Just an FYI, there was an article I read a few days ago that said that people read slower on electronic devices than a hard copy paper. I found that interesting that the brain has to slow down to catch up with electronics than it does with say a book. But then, that is how most of us grew up with, a book and paper. I find that I have to print out PDF’s because 1) I can’t highlight the information I am reading on a computer screen and 2) I like to keep the hard copy just in case the computer malfunctions or key drive gets lost.

school and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, writing

I’m at starbucks and I wish I brought my laptop. I thought I would see my coffee buddy but he isn’t here today.

I have stuff to read in my bad but I just don’t feel like reading it. But I do have my journal which occupies my time for now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I am just in that kind of mood.

It’s good that I got out of the house after being cooped up for two days because of my bowel situation. I think things have finally settled down some. Plus I really wanted to get a McDonald’s cheeseburger and Chicken Nuggets. But I had a delicious turkey sandwich instead with some BBQ chips. My coffee of the day is Blue Java and I am sad to learn that it is being phased out. I am going to miss this delight. My next trip will be the West Java (also from Indonesia) but iced. I tried it hot but it had an aftertaste I didn’t like. I wish they made these reserve coffees for the Keurig. But then I really would not leave the house.

I’m really disappointed that I can’t go to school because my LTD states that I can’t collect when I am collected SSD. No where was that stated to me. And SSD didn’t care that I was collecting. Now because I was collecting at the same time, I have to repay what I owe, which basically means nothing for me while I am in this loophole. I am so pissed and depressed. Now I have no extra money for school or for anything really. I just have to live on my SSD check. I hate being screwed. It’s like when I got the check from UMB. $3k and I spend it on bills and the following the semester they say oops sorry you weren’t supposed to get that money, just $800. UGH!!!! Next time I get big money I am not spending a dime from it. I’ll just keep it in my checking account until someone says that oops I over paid you and I will have it to hand back to them. I feel so fucked over its not funny. I still plan on taking that one class over the summer. NOTHING is going to stop me from taking this class. Even if it’s the last class I ever take at UMB, I want to take it. I just hope they let me register even though I am not a student there at this time. I might get readmitted but what would be the point. I can’t come up with a grand every semester. Unless I stop eating or stop taking my meds or something. I might have to look at another school that doesn’t cost so much. Right now I don’t want to think about losing my baccalaureate at UMB because I will just cry. I might just have to stand at a corner with a sign that says change for college. But then the state might have something to say about that and then I will be screwed for not declaring this “income”.

football and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I decided to take a break from writing yesterday. I was hyped up on watching football all days so couldn’t really think about what I wanted to say.

My mood has been slightly better over the last few days. I am not thinking constantly of suicide but still have the depressed mood. Last night my leg was acting up and I thought I was going to have a long and painful night but soon as I took my sock off, the pain and pressure dissipated. Leg is still a little sore this morning but nothing compared to last night.

Yes, I was watching the Pats against the Ravens last night. Though after halftime it was more like the Ravens against nobody. The Pats just could not get to the Ravens’s Quarterback and so he was making all kinds of first downs leading to touchdowns, which made me very unhappy. After the fumble in the 4th quarter and the Ravens got the ball, I knew the game was done. Cooked, over. Patriots didn’t want to win and showed no sign they wanted this game. Despite Brady making all kind of NFL records, he lost. I just can’t believe it. The game truly sucked and I am at a loss for words…

On another note yesterday my niece brought me coffee. She was supposed to get me Blue Java but I think the barista gave her Blue Mountain instead as it tasted stronger and heavier than my Java. I can’t drink strong coffee. I like a mild to medium coffee. I will make my Java today and see if it comes out the same but I doubt it. I know my coffees!

The kids have the day off today because of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday. I like it when they are off because I get to see them more. Keeps reinforcing my reasons for living.

My other blog goes live today. I am really nervous about it because it is a national organization for suicide prevention and training. It is a new newsletter blog that started last week and my story is going up today. It is at http://www.suicidology.org/AAS-blog. The blog is for suicide attempt survivors and the intention is to provide support and a voice to those that have tried, so hopefully they won’t try again. I feel like a hypocrite with this because of my varying levels of suicidality at times. Most people attempt and they forget about it in time. I have not and still want to take my life but I like I said in an earlier paper, I lost my lethality. Right now unless the wish fairies or a genie comes out of the bottle, I doubt I would get my wish to die to come true.