Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

pain, pdoc appt, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain, pdoc appt, and other things

I once again woke up around 330 in pain. I took my pain meds and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I think I fell back to sleep around 5ish then woke up one minute before my alarm went off. I got up to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. Then I got dressed and caught the bus to the Square. I had to stop and deposit money in my checking account because I was short on funds. I’m glad I checked my balance because I would have been overdrawn. A transaction I made the other day I forgot about. Oops. I then went to Dunkin to get some pumpkin donuts. Then I went to Starbucks for my espresso and a breakfast sandwich.

I got on the train to get to my pdoc appt. The appt went well. I told her about the bitch coordinator for the pain group. If she knew who ran it, she would contact them. I told her not to bother as I don’t want to go anymore. This bitch just ruined it for me. She went over the notes from the neurologist appt yesterday. She has no clue about the bone scan he ordered. I have no clue either but I gather through my Twitter buddies that it’s a radioactive test. Guess I’ll be glowing in the dark, haha. We also talked about my mood and how sucky it has been. She agreed. She said that if I need to contact her this weekend, to use her cell phone number. I said ok.

I had to go home a different way because the bus I take from the Square was being detoured. It took me longer to go home. My ankle/foot is not happy with me right now. I am in a lot of pain. I took some Neurontin and my strong pain pill. The weather is cold so my spine is aching, too. I thought of going to Rite Aid for some half and half as I was out but changed my mind. I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me something to do. I also need to go to Walgreens.

My mood sucks right now. I’ve been thinking of suicide for most of the day, partly due to feeling hopeless about my ankle being FUBAR and partly because the depression is just so bad right now. I really hate this and sometimes I am scared that I will go ahead with my crazy plan I keep fantasizing about. I don’t know if I will act on it. I really want to but I know my immediate family will hurt and that keeps me here, as long as I don’t have constriction (blinders). I hate that I have to suffer so others won’t. It’s a real struggle when you lose all hope of getting better. I know that if PT is successful, I might not be in as much pain. Which might get me a little more active than I have been but as I told my pdoc today, I don’t think it will rehab me enough so I can work again. Hell, just walking the 3,342 steps today going out and back home is doing a real number on my ankle right now. I was only out of the house for a few hours and I am toast. I really need to rest this weekend, though the only thing I have planned is to change my sheets and try and find that backpack I’ve been wanting to use. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t remember where I left it last. It might be in a different part of my office, under some jackets or something.

I really would like to do some writing in my journal again. Lately I have been so tired because I wake up in the middle of the night that I just don’t have time to sit at Starbucks and write like I used to. Or I just been too distracted to write. Lately, I just can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember the last time I opened a book. I just am not interested in reading anymore.

My ankle is really hurting me right now. If I had a chainsaw, I would chop it off. It’s bad enough I feel like slicing it open with a knife. Somehow I think that will stop the pain by cutting out the pain. Weird thinking but it’s driving me crazy having to take this pill and that pill then waiting for the pills to work. It’s aggravating. You just want relief now and it doesn’t happen. I’m starting to have anxiety so I took one of my blood pressure pills. I didn’t take it this morning, again. This is the 3rd day I missed my morning dose. Luckily, when I saw the neuro yesterday, they took my BP and it was normal. I hate having to be on two medicines for my blood pressure. I especially hate having to take one twice a day. I should put the alarm in my app back on so I don’t miss the dose. I only stopped it because I was waking up in the middle of the night or going to bed really late and I didn’t want to be disturbed. I need some sleep.

drained and knackered

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Drained and knackered

I woke up around 4 because I had to pee and to take more pain meds. I had such an awful night. Around 2300, I had paged my psych because I was going out of my tree and I needed to hear her voice. She called me back right away and I told her what was going on. I told her I wanted a prescription for hope and she laughed. I was feeling so hopeless it wasn’t funny. I had posted something on Twitter and someone reported it as if I were in danger to myself. I think I know who it was and blocked him. I was so pissed because I couldn’t use my account until I answered their questions. I have removed my Twitter posts to write to Facebook. I just don’t need the hassle.

I got up and dressed to go to PT (separate blog). I was drained by the time I got there. I got some coffee and a donut. I bought some pumpkin donuts but I didn’t feel like eating them. I will have them for breakfast tomorrow morning when I get to Starbucks. I really didn’t do anything in PT, we just talked about different things and she gave me a list of things she wants me to do.

I got home and I wanted nothing more than to take a nap but it was too late. I needed to eat something but I had no idea what. I finally settled on some sliders. It helped wake me up some. I was ready to fall asleep so I decided to shower. Not a good idea. My ankle gave out after I had rinsed off. I was in a lot of pain. I just took some pain meds so I hope I’m not up all night in pain. I got the appt with the neurologist tomorrow morning and it would be good if I am sleep deprived. I told the PT that I really want this neuro to put it in my medical record that I have CRPS because my PCP doesn’t believe anyone. It’s so annoying because I have more than just chronic ankle pain.

The brace clinic got back to my PT and I need to get a script for a brace from my PCP. She wanted me to call my insurance because I had an AFO they won’t pay for another brace within 5 years. I didn’t get my AFO through my Medicare, which is what I am using for everything these days. So I don’t think there is going to be a problem.

I’m ready to throw my laptop against the wall. I’ve had to adjust the screen multiple times to get it right. I so need another screen. Two weeks and I can get a new one. I hope it solves the issue and it’s not the wire itself that surrounds the screen. That will be tougher to replace. If this doesn’t solve the issue, I will get a new laptop. I will buy Microsoft Office 2016. I am currently using Office 2010 so it’s time for an upgrade. I love this laptop but it is getting old and I don’t want more things breaking on it should the wire need replacing because I will have to take everything out to get to the part. Sucks the way they have constructed it like that.

PT Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

PT blog,

I had PT today and she is really good. We talked about things like flares, positions that set off pain, etc. Today we talked about desensitization. She wants me to put something soft, like a pillow case or cotton ball on the areas of my foot/ankle that are problematic. I only put it on for a few seconds before moving on to another area. I go up and down, where I hurt and where I don’t and then move on to something else, like the smoothness of a plastic pen. She was really specific with me. I told her the area that I would have trouble reaching due to my range of motion due to my back injury and she said I could skip it for now. The next thing to move on after these items was a towel as that is a rougher surface. After I get used to this kind of touching (you need to do it, not someone else), the next step is to depress the item for a few seconds. If it causes you more pain or flare ups, DON’T DO IT! She stressed that for me.

She also went over the results of the Recognise app (found on Android/iPhone). It is a paid app but worth it. She said that at this point my brain needs to be retrained to distinguish my left and right. At first I didn’t do well as I thought I would for the basic test. I got better and she showed me how to change the parameters as I find it easy. It is a cool app and when I am bored I use it as well as a few other times a day as my homework. I strongly advise getting this.

I brought up some issues that I like to do, like standing more for 10 minutes in the shower or being able to make a small meal, like pancakes, without having to sit every few minutes. We went over my back injury and she wants to help with that. I cringed as anything to do with back exercises don’t usually work for me because it seems like I work on one set of muscles and another set goes off in rebellion. So either way I am in pain.

We decided to work once a week and if I need a break, that is okay too. I see her till mid November. I’ll let you know how it goes.

ankle and foot flares so my mood sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle and foot flares so my mood sucks

I woke up around 0430 because I had to pee. I struggled with whether or not to go back to sleep because I knew if I did, I would have a hard time waking up when my alarm went off at 7. I just laid in bed. I had taken some pain meds as my ankle was being a jerk but it wasn’t too bad. I finally gave up resting around 645 and got dressed to catch the 701 bus to the Square. I brought a light bag with me as I didn’t know if my messenger bag would be acceptable in the courthouse.

On the way to the courthouse, I had my bag on my foot. After a few stops, It didn’t like the bag and I was in a lot of pain. Great. The pain got worse as I got off at my stop and walked to the courthouse. I had a few anxiety attacks from the pain. I was literally shaking and having palpitations. I went to where I needed to go at the courthouse and paid my fee. The woman said it would take four weeks to process. Damn. I thought it was quicker than that. She said she will call me when it was time for me to come back.

I carefully went to the train station that was down the street, about half a block. I was hurting pretty bad and had no idea how I was going to get home. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long for the train and bus home. I was limping as I got home and my ankle gave out on me as I walked up the stairs. I wasn’t going to do anything the rest of the day.

It was hot and humid today so I was sweating by the time I got up to my room. I must have been on my bed for about a half hour when my ankle bone flared up. I feel so depressed. I don’t know if I should keep my PT appt tomorrow or not. Going down or up the stairs is pure torture. I feel so hopeless right now. I just want to go under my covers and stay there permanently. To make me feel “better”, my mother said that she is not going to call me G. She is going to keep calling me my birth name. So much for her being okay with my name change. I just want to give up. I feel so weighed down and in so much physical pain that it’s like I am being crushed on all sides. Just kill me now. Why prolong the inevitable?

Next week I see my PCP and I am going to beg him to put me on a long acting pain med because every 5-6 hours sucks and if I don’t take it around the clock, I wake up in pain or I hurt worse for missing a dose. I’m done being a nice guy. He doesn’t, I will end my life. I don’t see what other choice there is. I can’t “live” like this anymore. My meds aren’t being totally effective anymore. I know I will NEVER be 100% pain free, but it has been so damn long since I was at say a 3 on a scale of 1-10.

I called the bitch coordinator that I met with on Friday to tell her I wasn’t interested in her group anymore. Her loss.