Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Sunday Blog 19 Nov 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 19 November 2017

I just made a cup of tea. I pretty much slept all day as I didn’t get to bed until around 3 am. Pain was keeping me up. I couldn’t believe I went about 12 hours without pain meds and didn’t wake up to withdrawals. I took them when I did wake up as well as the weight loss supplement. I am not noticing any side effects from it.

A fellow blogger friend shared a Chicken Caesar Salad wrap so I will be buying the lettuce and chicken to make it. I love chicken Caesar salad. I just added them to my grocery list, that seems to be growing. Every time I get a craving for something, I add it. I usually take it off after a few days or when I am ready to check out as I like to stay within a certain amount for the month. Doesn’t always work but I try.

I made plans to see my friends in south of Boston after Christmas. I will be making a marinara sauce. I will just buy the meatballs either before I leave Boston or when I get to their house. They have a grocery store around the corner from them. I am so excited to cook for them. I am bringing what I need and they will supply the cooking stuff like pots and what not. It will take a few hours to cook so we will watch movies and stuff. It should be an awesome day.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I have my psychiatrist appt in the morning and then my therapist in the evening. It is going to be a busy week as it’s Turkey day this Thursday. I need to make 2 cakes Tuesday, one with regular flour and one gluten free. I plan on making the gluten free one first so I don’t have to wash out the bowl. I hope my sister’s mother in law likes this cake. I will be baking it in a throw away container so she can take it home.

Wed I go to the RMV to change my name and gender. I can’t believe they charge you to change your gender. Like seriously? It really costs $25 to go from F to M?? Just 2 key strokes on the computer? I don’t know if they allow debit cards or not (some places only allow checks) so I am bringing a check with me just in case. My psych will be signing the form tomorrow when I see her. I also have to renew my license as it expires next month.

As money is tight right now with all this name changing business, I can’t save any money for a new laptop. I just have my old laptop to use as my newer one needs to be fixed. I might buy the connection wire and bring the laptop with me when I go see my friends as my friend’s hubby is good with computers. If that doesn’t solve the problem, then I will definitely need a new laptop which will be around $600 with what I want on it. I probably won’t be able to buy a new one until after the new year. The good news is that my mother had a ceiling fan that is new and never used. She wanted to use it for my office but the ceiling is too low. My room is low and just barely clears my outstretched arms. It makes it easy for me to clean as I don’t need a stool. I just stand on my tippy toes, lol. I wish it had a remote for the light and fan like my sister has but those cost over $100. I’ll take free as now I don’t have to stress so much about money this month.

Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

I had a busy day. I woke up early, no thanks to my fricken cousin who wanted to return something to my mother. He woke her up for her to go downstairs and let him in. I was wondering what I was going to do today. I decided that I needed to change my sheets. I wanted to put on a hospital blanket because sometimes the comforter is too warm as my room gets really hot now that my mother turns the heat up. It needed to be washed so I cleared off the washer and put it in. Then I made breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes. They were good.

My next adventure was to go to the square to get some gluten free flour and some eggs as we were running low. The flour was expensive. For a small bag, it was like $4.59 and I don’t think it was even a pound of flour. I hope my sister’s mother in law likes this cake I will be making for her. She is always picky because she has celiac disease, which I understand but she is such a bitch about it. My mother makes desserts that she can’t have so I wanted to make something for her that she can have. She can take it home with her, if she likes it, as I won’t eat two cakes. I am making a regular one as well. I plan on making the gluten free one first and then use the regular flour. This way I only have to wash the mixing bowl once.

After I got my two things, I went to the bus stop and missed it by like 5 minutes. The next one wasn’t for another fricken hour. I caught the bus to the Hill and waited for the bus home there. My ankle was hurting so I didn’t want to wait at a bus stop.

I came home and rested for a little while before clearing off my bed. My mother had folded the blanket so I brought it upstairs. Once my bed was clear of my “office”, I took the bedding off. Then I wrestled with the clean sheets on my bed. My back was killing me and my ankle was being a fuck. I wanted a shower but knew my ankle would divorce me if I took it then. I was so wiped out that I took a nap. My mother called me around 1430 but I didn’t pick up as I was so damn tired. She wasn’t feeling well as her sugar dropped. She had taken some pain meds for her back and it made her sick. Poor thing has been puking everything she eats. Her sugar has stayed low. I’ll check on her throughout the night.

After I woke up, I decided to take a shower. I was sweating as my room got hot and I was really warm under the blankets. I have the window open but no cold air was coming through. After I finished my shower, my brother in law came up to look at my ceiling fan as it has been making noise. He said the motor is going, which I suspected. I have been using it so much this year. Now I need to get a new one. I shopped online for one to get an idea on the price. He told me which kind to get. He said it would be $40. HA. NOT! I wanted one with a remote. Home Depot didn’t have any that came with one within my price range so I checked Lowes. I found a nice one for $123. A little bit out of my range but it looks really nice and comes with a light dome. I didn’t want one like the one I had which was 4 light bulbs. I have a small room and just use 2 bulbs that are energy efficient. I am going to check Amazon to see if they have the fan I want at Lowes. Maybe I can get a cheaper price. My bro in law said he will install it for me. I just hope it is sooner rather than later. He takes his time doing things and I really can’t be without a ceiling fan. I cannot tolerate heat at all. I rather be cold.

I had to cut my budget expenses to pay for this fan. I won’t be eating out at all this month and because my next check comes after Christmas, I won’t be able to get anyone any gifts. I feel bad about this. Every year is the same. Last year I was able to get gifts for my sisters and their kids, and my bro in law and mother. This year it won’t be happening. I still need to repair my screen that I broke, but that won’t be until next pay period. I don’t think it will be that expensive. I just hope they can go by the frame as that is still intact. Otherwise, my brother in law will have to measure for a new one.

Finally some concrete answers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally some concrete answers!!

Before going to bed last night, I emailed my neurologist that I went for the bone scan so that he would know and then get back to me about what the treatment was going to be moving forward. Late this morning he responded and said the scan showed I did have some bone changes and clinically I do have CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). He wanted me to go on some anti-convulsant but I briefly looked into it and it has a lot of nasty side effects, which doesn’t appeal to me. He is going to discuss it with my psychiatrist and see what she has to say. I emailed her to tell her he would be in touch but I am not thrilled to go on this medication. It’s new and most likely will cost me some big bucks come the new year. But we’ll see. I finally have a concrete diagnosis.

This morning was a fucking joke. My alarm went off and I should have put it on snooze but I turned it off. Unfortunately, I went back to sleep for an hour, waking up to some text messages. I had just enough time to try and catch the 7 am bus but just as I was approaching the corner, it drove by. I had to wait for the next one at 0725 but it never showed up. It was freezing out and I didn’t wear my jacket. By the time the bus to the Square came, I was running late to see my psychiatrist. I just ordered espresso from Starbucks and a donut and then made my way to the train station. I got to the Station when my psych called me to say she was stuck in traffic on the highway. She hasn’t moved in at least 10 minutes. Yikes! We rescheduled and I caught the bus home, with the intention of going back to bed.

It was really cold in my room so I shut the window part that I opened. I took my pain and blood pressure meds. I also started with the new weight loss pill. I plan on taking it in the morning in case it makes me jittery. I tried going to sleep but I couldn’t so I played with my phone. I decided to take the AC out of the window and then try again for sleep. I opened the window to take the AC out and it almost fell out! Crap! I couldn’t lift it to bring it inside. Somehow I did, at the cost of breaking my screen. It flew out of the window but that can be easily replaced. If the AC fell, it would have wrecked the roof and porch below. I went downstairs to retrieve the screen outside. I also told my mother what happened and that I finally have a diagnosis.

I played with my phone some more and then I was getting sleepy so laid down. I don’t know what the fuck I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I screamed. Then I turned over to take the strong pain meds and it hurt more. I was in complete agony. It was easily a 14/10. I just wanted to die. I started getting a pain anxiety and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I took my meds and an Ativan. I tried distraction but it was so hard. I just laid there moaning. Then my mother called to ask if I could go downstairs to bring up her gallon of wine. I told her I was in a flare and couldn’t move. Someone stole it by the time she came home. I feel bad.

Finally the meds kicked in and I was able to sleep for a few hours. I felt better but I was still in a lot of pain, not as much as I was but say a 10 instead of a 14. I had to use the bathroom so had to get up. That was torture. I used the cane to get around because I didn’t have time to put the boot on. It was really hot in my room as my mother turned up the heat. I was sweating. She was making dinner so I had something to eat and then I went back up to my room with the mail. When I came up to my room, I opened the window and turned on the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan started making some noises that were annoying me so I turned it off. I asked my brother in law to come look at it when he got home from work. I hope it’s fixable. I also asked my mother to lower the heat. Hopefully my room cools down. I fucking hate the heat!!! And my room has two settings, unbearably hot and freezing cold. I rather be cold because I can put on layers and snuggle under the blanket.

pain, pdoc appt, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain, pdoc appt, and other things

I once again woke up around 330 in pain. I took my pain meds and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I think I fell back to sleep around 5ish then woke up one minute before my alarm went off. I got up to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. Then I got dressed and caught the bus to the Square. I had to stop and deposit money in my checking account because I was short on funds. I’m glad I checked my balance because I would have been overdrawn. A transaction I made the other day I forgot about. Oops. I then went to Dunkin to get some pumpkin donuts. Then I went to Starbucks for my espresso and a breakfast sandwich.

I got on the train to get to my pdoc appt. The appt went well. I told her about the bitch coordinator for the pain group. If she knew who ran it, she would contact them. I told her not to bother as I don’t want to go anymore. This bitch just ruined it for me. She went over the notes from the neurologist appt yesterday. She has no clue about the bone scan he ordered. I have no clue either but I gather through my Twitter buddies that it’s a radioactive test. Guess I’ll be glowing in the dark, haha. We also talked about my mood and how sucky it has been. She agreed. She said that if I need to contact her this weekend, to use her cell phone number. I said ok.

I had to go home a different way because the bus I take from the Square was being detoured. It took me longer to go home. My ankle/foot is not happy with me right now. I am in a lot of pain. I took some Neurontin and my strong pain pill. The weather is cold so my spine is aching, too. I thought of going to Rite Aid for some half and half as I was out but changed my mind. I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me something to do. I also need to go to Walgreens.

My mood sucks right now. I’ve been thinking of suicide for most of the day, partly due to feeling hopeless about my ankle being FUBAR and partly because the depression is just so bad right now. I really hate this and sometimes I am scared that I will go ahead with my crazy plan I keep fantasizing about. I don’t know if I will act on it. I really want to but I know my immediate family will hurt and that keeps me here, as long as I don’t have constriction (blinders). I hate that I have to suffer so others won’t. It’s a real struggle when you lose all hope of getting better. I know that if PT is successful, I might not be in as much pain. Which might get me a little more active than I have been but as I told my pdoc today, I don’t think it will rehab me enough so I can work again. Hell, just walking the 3,342 steps today going out and back home is doing a real number on my ankle right now. I was only out of the house for a few hours and I am toast. I really need to rest this weekend, though the only thing I have planned is to change my sheets and try and find that backpack I’ve been wanting to use. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t remember where I left it last. It might be in a different part of my office, under some jackets or something.

I really would like to do some writing in my journal again. Lately I have been so tired because I wake up in the middle of the night that I just don’t have time to sit at Starbucks and write like I used to. Or I just been too distracted to write. Lately, I just can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember the last time I opened a book. I just am not interested in reading anymore.

My ankle is really hurting me right now. If I had a chainsaw, I would chop it off. It’s bad enough I feel like slicing it open with a knife. Somehow I think that will stop the pain by cutting out the pain. Weird thinking but it’s driving me crazy having to take this pill and that pill then waiting for the pills to work. It’s aggravating. You just want relief now and it doesn’t happen. I’m starting to have anxiety so I took one of my blood pressure pills. I didn’t take it this morning, again. This is the 3rd day I missed my morning dose. Luckily, when I saw the neuro yesterday, they took my BP and it was normal. I hate having to be on two medicines for my blood pressure. I especially hate having to take one twice a day. I should put the alarm in my app back on so I don’t miss the dose. I only stopped it because I was waking up in the middle of the night or going to bed really late and I didn’t want to be disturbed. I need some sleep.