Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

way overtired and in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Way overtired and in pain

I had a really long day and I should be sleeping right now but I am so overtired that I can’t sleep. I thought I would write a little bit as they usually calms me down some. I wrote about what I did today in my previous blog so I won’t bore you again with what I wrote.

I should have brought up the book that I am reading. I am reading multiple books right now that I can’t seem to decide which book to stay focused on. I am reading Huck Finn, CBT for preventing suicide attempts, and Robert Lowell. I would try to read but sometimes that gets my brain stimulated and that keeps me up. I am also in pain, which doesn’t help going to sleep.

I didn’t do a lot of walking but I did do a lot of sitting, which I normally don’t do, or if I do, I have my ankle elevated. I didn’t have my ankle elevated at all today while I was out. Now it’s angry with me. I then went over my nephew’s house to watch a movie with him. Again I didn’t elevate my ankle. It didn’t like that. I had to take a strong pain pill because the pain was severe and I couldn’t take my regular pain meds yet. Then I got zaps in my foot. That was fun. I had them last night, too, in the same spot. Nerve damage sucks.

I took my meds late because I watched a movie with my nephew. It’s the second night this week where I took my pills later than I normally take them. I hope there isn’t any consequences for this. I hope the pain settles down soon so I can rest. Right now, it’s really angry with me and I know soon as I lie down it’s going to flare up. It’s so frustrating.

New Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Therapist

I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. I made breakfast after my mother left the house so I wouldn’t be bothered with her game playing or the loud TV. I wanted to catch the bus but I just missed it so I decided to go to the post office to mail a thing for a friend. The line was long and it was hot in the little office. The temp was close to 70 degrees outside and it must have been 80 inside. I was dying. By the time I was through, I collected my things and waited for the next bus. It was nice out so I didn’t mind waiting.

I went to Starbucks and got 5 shots espresso. My brain needed it as I had a headache and my brain was foggy. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was really coming to me. I decided to read my book so I read half a chapter before the writing bug hit as what I was reading was making my thoughts go wild. I decided I was going to review this book on my blog so I started writing about each chapter and my thoughts on the matter. When I was stuck, I started back writing in my journal. Before I knew it, it was time to catch the train. I was tapped out of coffee and writing.

I was still kind of early so I waited at the train station for a bit and let a few trains go by before getting on. I only had three stops to go so it was a short ride. By that time my bladder needed releasing so I hurried the therapist’s office building. I just made it to the bathroom and I had 25 minutes before my appointment. I was shocked I walked so quickly to the office.

I met with the therapist. He seemed really nice. He went over his policies and payment. I wouldn’t have a payment today because he couldn’t figure out what it would be so I will be billed. I was grateful because I am running low on funds. We talked for 45 minutes, with me doing most of the talking about myself and my condition. He asked questions as we went along. Then came the difficult part of telling him about my horrid suicidality. He was okay with it. Okay, great. I then asked what he does with suicidal clients and he explained what he does. I then asked if he had a contract of some kind. He said no. I thought that was a little odd, but I was okay with it. I really liked him and he seems willing to work with me on my direction so I have a new therapist!

What was odd was the female therapist that I left several messages to, called me back today. I was in a quandary as to what to do. But I made up my mind to go with this guy. His office is convenient for me and it’s in the evening so I am cool with that. I feel comfortable with him. We’ll meet again in two weeks as he is on vacation next week. Gives me time to process the session a little bit.

Sunday Blog 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 28

I didn’t do much today. I wanted to make bacon but I was too lazy to cook it. I had a bowl of cereal instead. I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn’t. It was a nice day outside. I went to the basement to get some frozen dinners for lunch. I watched a little bit of the ballgame but it wasn’t interesting as the pitcher was lousy for my team. We were losing 3-2 last I checked.

I went to do my meds after lunch and realized I was out of my hormone pill. I quickly called that in as I needed it for tonight. I couldn’t miss a day. My blood pressure pills came in late yesterday so I was set with that. After a couple of hours, my hormone pill was ready to be picked up so I went. I was a sweating mess when I came home. I’m glad I took a shower earlier otherwise, I would have taken one when I got home. My ankle was upset but it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t wear my brace to the store. I got some more Vitamin Water as it was still on sale.

I filled my med box for the week and checked the ballgame. We are tied right now. It’s been a tied-untied game all series. I hope they win today. The Sox have lost the last two games. I have not been happy about this but it’s still early in the season as it just started. A fan from the Mariners is a moron. He/she is already looking forward to the 2018 season. I wanted to say something to them but I didn’t. I just shook my head in disgust.

I am sort of getting nervous about my therapy appointment tomorrow. I plan on catching the 1400 bus and grabbing my espresso. I also plan on writing for about an hour or so before I have to catch the train to Central. I was talking to my cousin about it and he is so dumb when it comes to the T. He thought I could catch two buses to get there. He just is so ignorant about it, it kills me. Then even when I explained to him that I had to catch a bus and train, he still thought I just needed two buses.

OMG…just checked the score and it’s now 7-5 with my boys in the lead!! YES!!! Hope the bullpen doesn’t spoil this lead for us! They didn’t and the Sox won their first road game! I am so happy. Maybe tomorrow we can kick Tiger ass and have a tied series.

My mom made peas and macaroni for supper. It was good. My middle sister was over so we all ate together. My sister was telling me about her son having some difficulties. I feel bad because I hate seeing him hurting and he is too stubborn to seek help. After supper, I felt sleepy and tried to sleep but my damn foot and leg wanted no part of it. I had already taken my regular pain meds and was contemplating taking the strong pain pill. But it seems to have settled down on it’s own once I shifted my leg. My foot still hurts but there is nothing I can really do for it.

It’s cold in the house despite it being like 60 degrees outside. My front porch is warmer than the living room. I don’t understand why the house gets so damn cold in warm weather. I wish it stayed like that during the summer but my mother opens the windows and back door to let the hot air in the house. Long as I have my AC in my window, I am happy.

ankle foot bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle foot bitch rant

I got thirsty so I reached for my water bottle. I didn’t move my ankle/foot at all but it was enough for my foot to explode in pain. I was seeing stars for about five minutes. I needed my strong pain pills. I took it quickly before the pain got worse. I had thrown on some thermal socks because my foot had gotten cold before this happen.

A little while later, my feet started to get really warm. So I took off the sock carefully as sometimes just the motion of taking it off can set off pain. Then I slammed my ankle down on my mattress without thinking and BAM! More fucking pain in my ankle now. I want to fucking die so damn bad. I am so frustrated.

The foot explosion caused me to have severe anxiety so I had to take Ativan to combat it. It took a while but my heart didn’t feel like it was going to leave my chest walls. I calmed down until the ankle exploded due to my carelessness. I must have place my ankle like that a thousand times and it never caused me such pain. Why tonight, I have no clue. I am in fucking agony and I want it to fucking end. I want to sleep. I took another strong pain pill and my regular pain pills. Fuck the consequences. I didn’t take more than the regular amount of each so I am NOT overdosing. I would NEVER do that because I am more afraid of Tylenol toxicity than I am of dying from narcotic overdose.

I joined a group on Facebook about chronic pain. One woman who also suffers from CRPS told me about Ketamine and how it helped her. There is one place in Massachusetts that does IV ketamine and it’s far from me. I don’t have a car so I doubt I can get to that place. Fucking A. I wouldn’t do it anyways as I don’t have a full blown case of CRPS, just the pain syndrome part.

I just had three pieces of my “extra” strong pain pills, Dove dark chocolate. It calms me down some. I relish the taste of the dark chocolate. I need to get more because I am running low. That will be an errand on Sunday. Tomorrow needs to be a day of rest or I will just be a wreck like I am tonight. I really wasn’t expected to be in this much pain tonight. I obviously did way too much walking and my ankle/foot did not like it one bit. I think the killer was making dinner. I really want another burger but it’s too late to cook and then I would have to clean up and I just don’t want to do that.

I emailed my psychiatrist about what went on because after my anxiety attack, I seriously thought about suicide. I wasn’t going to act on my feeling but the thoughts were strong. Then I started to think that I would be better off dead. I am such a loser. I know I have talked about killing myself for the last five years and have NOT made a single attempt despite my many plans. It pisses me off that I have not done so. The closest I came was taking a handful of my mood stabilizer one night, which lead to me being hospitalized a few days later. I am a moron. I should have ended things a long time ago yet I am still here to complain about it. What a loser I am.