Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Venting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Venting

I vented to FB about a blogger that was bugging me. I had to get it off my chest because it really was bothering me. I got no responses to the vent but I wasn’t looking for one.

As mentioned previously, I am reading the book “The Outsiders”. I am remembering the movie as I am reading it, even though it has been more than 20 years since I saw the movie and read the book last. I am at the part where Johnny will soon kill someone and I am hesitant to read it. It’s not a pleasant scene.

It’s official, I have a cold of some sort though I don’t feel really sick from it. I just have a miserable nose and the congestion is causing my upper teeth to hurt really bad. I have been using Afrin to unclog my nostrils but the effect is temporary at best. Then I start sneezing and I am wondering how much of the stuff I am sneezing out. All discharge is clear so I don’t have an infection. I am still taking D and drinking tea with honey. I am finally hydrated as my pee is a normal clear yellow rather than a dark orange color. I hate being sick. My lips are cracked so bad that I can’t put any moisturizers on it because it hurts and I have a bloody lip. I am really terrified that a sneeze is going to knock my back out. That is not going to be good when I get the MRI next week.

I had to refill a few prescriptions and this time it’s costing me money. I guess my free copay expired at the beginning of the year. I got to find out why one of my generic medicines is fricken $20 and the other is less than ten. I hope it’s an error. I knew I would have to pay so I have been careful with my money since my birthday. I also have my mother’s birthday coming up so I plan on getting her a sub. She loves getting an Italian sub from one of her childhood hangouts. It’s the best that I can do for her as I need to watch what I spend before the end of the month.

I feel really nervous about talking with my therapist tomorrow. Normally, I am hoping for another week off but this time, I am looking forward to our time. I need to find out about something she wrote in my birthday card to me. It’s bugging me really bad and I hope it’s not true to the extent that I think it is. I don’t plan on seeing her until the end of the month when I get paid again.

I made my phone calls today. I was on hold for a good many minutes as I knew I would be. I also reserved the Zipcar so I would have it. I have to check and make sure I have the right garage/place so I can take it. I think it is, but it’s hard to know when I don’t know the name of the garage. I requested just three hours because it shouldn’t take that long and it gives me time to get gas should I need it. Sometimes the person before me doesn’t fill up and it drives me crazy. I hate leaving a vehicle with less than a half tank of gas.

I knew I was going to be up late. I hope to be sleeping by midnight. I need to have rest but with all the tea I drank, I have to use the bathroom. Plus I drank caffeinated tea so I am kind of wired from that. I just took some pain meds because my thigh is acting up. The temp dropped another ten degrees so I am hurting. I knew I was going to be anyway from all the walking but I wasn’t expecting the temp to be in the teens. I am glad I had my mother turn up the heat as it’s nice and warm in my room. I don’t have to be putting on layers of clothes to stay warm, which doesn’t help when you have a stupid cold.

I filled my pill box. I am thinking one of these days I should rearrange where the pill bottles are so it’s easier for me to go through them. I have them spaced out all over my bureau. I should just have them in a box so I know that is what I need. Job gets done but I feel like I am playing don’t knock down dominoes because I have so many pill bottles. I honestly don’t know how I got to be on so many meds. It’s crazy that I take so many pills. I know most people with chronic conditions like me do take a lot of pills, maybe even more than I do. It just sucks because I remember the days when I was just taking two or three pills a day and now I am on four times that amount. And I take meds twice a day now where before I just took them once. I know I have to be on them if I want to survive but sometimes I wonder if it is necessary. Like being on two BP meds. Maybe a higher dose of one med would be sufficient to keep my blood pressure in check. I know losing weight will be the easier answer but I don’t see that happening. The meds I take make me hungry. I eat late at night because for some reason, after I take my meds, I feel like I am starving. And I can’t sleep on an empty stomach. If I do, I usually dream about food and wake up hungrier than I did before I went to sleep. Then the docs wonder why I can’t lose weight. They think it’s easy to control your eating but when you have meds that make you hungry, it’s kind of a losing battle.

A story is percolating around my brain. I am hoping it comes out soon. I think I am ready to write about my childhood fantasy as my mental illness short story piece. I just hope that when I do, I don’t fall back into the delusional thinking and lose track of where I am and what year I am in. I want to discuss this with my therapist first as I will need her support around this or I will become dangerously psychotic.

I never showered today. I got too congested and didn’t feel like it. I seriously need to shave and that is part of what is holding me back. It just takes so much time and it is exhausting. Then you need to shower to rinse off the hair and stuff. It always takes so much out of me when I do it. It also sucks when you are sick because you just want to get in and out. But I have neglected shaving for some time now and it’s causing me to itch and I hate it.

Christmas Eve 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Eve 2015

Traditionally, Italians celebrate Christmas on the Eve and then rest on Christmas Day. We have the seven fishes. I am not a fish person and I don’t celebrate. I am spending the Eve watching TV and had one margarita that was one too many. I also had Chinese food that was okay. I have had better. I am disappointed that I can’t get decent Chinese food in my area.

I had a day of running around, quite literally. I left my house early and did a few errands before going to my father’s house. I was tired by the time I got to his house. I had to pick up his meds and decided to buy PF Chang’s frozen dinner entrée so I wouldn’t have to order out. But after all was said and done, I was too tired to cook. I came home and my ankle/foot wanted a divorce from me. I was in a lot of pain and my foot was swollen. I took some pain meds, which is probably why the alcohol really got to me. I am a lightweight anyway, doesn’t take much to make me feel buzzed. I had like a quarter of a glass of the Margarita stuff. It’s only 1900 and I am ready for bed already.

I am so tired of being in pain. I wanted to get gift cards for my family as presents for tomorrow but I was too wiped out and in pain to go to Walgreens. I thought I would later when and if my foot/ankle settled down. I should have gone before having the alcohol. OOPS. So it will be another year where I don’t get anything for my family. If I can, tomorrow I will at least get a money card for my father. If I don’t give him anything, he will be pissed. Got to satisfy the narcissistic ego. I should have bought him a gift a card at the grocery store, now that I think of it. But I was already weary and just wanted to go home.

Pain takes so much out of me. I really can’t do anything for too long anymore. I can’t stand or walk without severe pain so that kind of hinders things. I wanted to dust my ceiling fan as the dust is accumulating. I think it’s been a year since I dusted it last. I just can’t stand long enough to do it.

The temps in Boston reached at least 70 today. Despite it being warm outside, the house felt cold. I still wore shorts and a T-shirt. My back is going to kill me come next week when the temp drops. We are supposedly having snow starting on Tuesday.

My mood kind of sucks. I feel like I should be sleeping and I think I will be going to bed soon. I hope my family doesn’t wake me up early tomorrow. I really just want to sleep in, if possible. I had a crappy sleep last night as I kept on waking up every fricken hour. I was afraid that I would sleep late and I wouldn’t do what I needed to do today. All is done and now I am going to read the creepy American Gods book and then sleep, I hope.

CDC and Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, suicide

“I invite chronic pain patients who rely on medications & are still alive, to offer their expertise to the public conversation.”
Terri A. Lewis, PhD

This statement just rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, it infuriated me because there are so many people taking their lives because they DO NOT get medications due to the opioid policies some doctors have. The CDC is proposing that primary care doctors PCP’s no longer prescribe narcotics for their patients. I haven’t read the report but it was stopped only because a lawsuit was threatened if it was published. The guidelines were written by people that had NOTHING to do with chronic pain. Therefore, it didn’t make sense for them to have these guidelines. I would write to them but I fear that if I do, I will be prosecuted for my actions down the line. Call me paranoid. I only take 4-6 pills a day and if that were cut, so would my life.

The statement also implies that taking these medications is a death sentence waiting to happen. This isn’t true. There are plenty of people who SAFELY take these medications daily and are still alive. Yes, there are some that do NOT because they go to different doctors and the combination of other opioids makes them sick. My ex’s neighbor died from an overdose because of this. Had one doctor been prescribing, her friend might have lived a little longer. She was terminally ill with something other than cancer. Obviously, she is the one that is “not alive” to come forward about these supposed guidelines.

If Primary care docs can no longer prescribe these medications, where are chronic pain patients supposed to go? “Pain clinics” only want to experiment and give injections, usually because it’s more money than writing a script. I have seen two pain doctors and they both didn’t want to take over the pain management I was under. They just offered invasive procedures and when I refused, I no longer was a part of their care. I’m sorry but there is no research to support that the injections would benefit me. I wish I kept the report that contradicted the injections. There was an article a few years ago that said that it was more dangerous to have them than not. I am not going to risk have something called arachnoiditis for the sake of a pain clinic writing a script for my pain meds, when the pain meds already work for me.

I need to have my primary care doctor continuing to prescribe me these medications. It’s safer and easier than seeing a specialist. The meds help me to function better, though I rarely take them when I am outside the house. They make me too drowsy to get on the bus and train. So I suffer through my pain to get to where I need to go. Taking my four tablets a day is not killing me. It’s keeping me alive enough to see another day. Because without them, I would seriously end my life. And I don’t think the CDC wants that.

Pain, Pain, and More Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I had my appointment with my PCP, my last appointment with him, today. He said that the office will continue managing my pain so I was happy about that. I get to see the nurse practitioner next month and I guess we’ll just go from there. I hope I just see her from now on rather than seeing the doc I don’t know. I like the NP. She doesn’t poke and prod like he does and then I can walk out without being in pain. After I left, I had to stand on the train as there were no seats. My leg didn’t not like me. My ankle was already mad at me and my socks had started to dig in me as my leg was swelling. It happens if I am wearing them too long and have to go about things. It only happens with my bad leg, not my right so I know it’s because of the pain syndrome that I have. My PCP recommended that I go to a rehab place. If you read the blog from this morning, this place is similar to what that place except I think my insurance covers it. I have to find out. This rehab place doesn’t offer medications but tries to take you off them. It’s something I have been offered before but declined. Once I know what is going on with my back and things with my father, I will make an appointment for it. It’s like a three month program looking at the brochure so I really need to have time for me to do this.

We said our goodbyes. I still can’t believe he is going. But he wanted some place that meant more time for his kids, which I get. They don’t stay little forever and before you know it they are adults. I wished him well. I feel really sad as I have known him for so long. Technically, he has been my PCP most of my adult life.

Before I saw him, I had my appointment with my therapist. I think sitting for so long aggravated my thigh pain. It has been bothering me for some hours now and I don’t like it. Nothing helps this pain so I am screwed. I think lying down helps so I will try that once I finish this blog.

My therapist was like a little kid today. She was excited about the prospect of me seeing her on my birthday. It all depends on if I can find a Zipcar for the hours that I need it on that day. She asked if I can reserve it in advance and I told her they charge your card that day and I don’t have money on my card right now. Plus, I don’t think they take a week reservation advances. It’s usually the day before or the day of you want to rent the car. We spent a good time talking about the stress of my birthday as I still don’t know what is going on that actual night. I know they are having a party for me but I, as guess of honor, have no clue what the hell time it is. Most likely it will be around 6 or 7.

We also talked about my PTSD symptoms as I told her I was relaxed for the first time about leaving my bag on the floor where I was talking to her. Usually, I am paranoid someone is going to take the bag. It doesn’t have anything valuable in it. Just some notepads, my journal, and a book. But they are valuable to me and to me only. She said that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance it’s easy to become paranoid, or something like that. I understood what she was saying but I don’t remember her exact words. She is also worried about my anxiety levels lately as my pain has been awful and sometimes I will have flashbacks. It’s going to be hard seeing my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in so long. I guess I should be lucky that in nine years I haven’t needed him again. But that doesn’t take away the fear that I have about seeing him. I wish my doc would have ordered an MRI before I saw him. This way I would know if he is needed or I just need physical therapy or something. But my gut tells me something is wrong and that is freaking me out. My therapist is right to be worried. I am, too.

We talked some more about my father being an asshole as he called in the middle of session. Someone always calls whenever I am on the phone with her or someone else. My phone doesn’t ring at any other time except when I am on the phone with someone. It really pissed her off that he kicked me yesterday. I was still sore today because my nerves are messed up. He didn’t kick me hard but just enough to cause pressure changes and my leg didn’t like it one fucking bit. Today my PCP was touching the affected area. I thought I was going to jump off the table. That area of my leg is just very sensitive because of the nerve damage I suffered.

My therapist also asked about my suicidality. I told her I still plan on checking out but it just depends on when. Funny how when you make the decision to go through with it, you begin to feel better about things. That is how I am feeling right now. I am not as depressed as I was because I know I will be ending my life soon. She didn’t like it but I am not going to end up a cripple. I mean I sort of am a cripple, a mental cripple, but to be both a physical and mental one, forget about it.

Two things I was going to do today I didn’t do. One was to call the dentist for a cleaning and the second being to take a shower. I might try again tomorrow. I really think my leg will divorce me if I try to take a shower tonight. I just am in too much pain to stand for 10-20 minutes. I already did more than that waiting for the bus and train. I don’t even think my pain meds will bail me out of this one. I’m just going to rest the rest of tonight, maybe watch a movie or read my book. I haven’t read my book in two days so I need to do it if I plan on finishing the chapter by the end of the week. I was hoping to finish the book this week but that isn’t happening. I had too many days of non-reading.