Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Sunday Blog 22082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, CRPS, depression, FTM, mood disorders, PTSD, writing

Sunday Blog 22082021

Post op day 4 hysterectomy

I got some good sleep finally. I feel really good. I am not in as much pain as I was in yesterday. I made sure to empty my bladder throughout the night and that helped. I am cathing every four hours to make sure I am empty completely. It hurts to void so that is why I am cathing. My genital area is sore but that is to be expected and the vaginal entrance is a little swollen. I noticed some clear discharge that is not mentioned at all with the post op stuff so I hope it is nothing to be worried about. I sent my surgeon a message anyway to ask if it is a concern or not.

Only thing I am planning on doing today is reading my MLB book. I started reading it last night as I couldn’t sleep. I read for about an hour and it helped to relax. I wanted to finish the chapter but it was too long. It was covering the two decades of 1900 and 1910. A lot of interesting baseball stuff happened during those years. I am having my doubts about being able to write a book about the history of team names. There is a lot of cross over between the leagues and some cities stays and it just gets confusing because things changed year to year, season to season.

I also plan on watching DS9. I can only watch so much TV before I get bored so if I watch two episodes, I will call that a win. Because of Tropical Storm Henri, baseball has been canceled for today in the New England area. We already had a tremendous thunderstorm and heavy rain. It is supposed to continue until tomorrow. I just hope nothing floods.

I am trying to fight off a nap right now. I am so tired from just having a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I know I am tired from post op. That is a given. It just comes on so suddenly that it is overwhelming sometimes. I am not having a lot of pain today. I made sure I took my pain meds during the night as I had my med alarm set to go off. I still only slept every three hours or so because I had to empty my bladder. My bladder seems to have its own schedule. I am glad I cath. It makes me feel like a man because I am standing while peeing.

I have been in the mood to write something profound but words are escaping me. I want to write a letter to my therapist about my trauma, just talking about one aspect of it and see where it leads me. I have so much emotion pent up in me right now that I think writing about it might help. I might post it on my blog if it isn’t too graphic in detail. I think writing about my cousin’s molestations might be helpful for me. I have been having intrusive memories about it the past few days. The one thing about anesthesia that I had is it brings things to the surface that you are trying to keep undercover. But with trauma there is always something under the surface. Anything that has to do with my genitals is a trigger for my sexual abuse to be in the forefront of my mind, even if I am not conscious of it.

anxious about upcoming surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxious about upcoming surgery

My anxiety is helping me get things done that I need to. I took out my trash and recycles today. My new sponges came early today so I took a shower with it. The special soap got really lathery with the sponge so I think I am going to use that from now on. It was tough getting in the shower because I didn’t feel like taking one. I knew this was going to be an issue. I didn’t wash my hair as I washed it yesterday. Tomorrow I will shower when I get home from PT. I will probably be sweaty. Today was cooler but there was humidity in the air. I had to have the AC going to keep the air dry in my room.

Therapy went ok. I don’t know if I will see her next week. It depends on how I feel. I honestly don’t think I will be able to keep an appointment. Maybe the end of the week I will but not our usual Mon time. I am to text her the end of this week to let her know how I am doing. One text though. I probably will text her Thursday when I am up to it. Most of the anesthesia should be out of my system by then. We worked on a pain schedule where I would have an alarm go off every 4 hours to remind me to take my meds. She was insistent on this. I created a timer on my phone for meds and I will create one on my med alarm app as well. Sometimes I can sleep through the timer sound. It would be good for me to be up then I can empty my bladder.

I plan on giving my T shot tomorrow so I don’t have to worry about it for Wed. I have to take it a day early because I am not sure I will be in good space to take it on Wed. They want me to hold taking it till after surgery that day but I don’t want to be a day late in taking it.

Sox are off tonight and have a double header tomorrow. I don’t know when game 1 is. I will have to check the website. I should be home for it. It will keep me calm somewhat. It will definitely be a nice distraction. I am sure my anxiety is going to be worse tomorrow. I just home I am home by at least 7pm Wed so my friend doesn’t have to wait all day to pick me up.

Sunday Blog 15082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression

Sunday blog 15082021

I had a lot of things to do today as I listened to the ball game. I did my med boxes for the week, putting in the right pills for prep on Wed. I then made a little bag up to make sure I had enough caths and pads for after surgery. I think I am going to have some bottles of Gatorade on a shelf near my bed so I don’t have to bend down to pick them up. I ordered tacos for dinner. I am still waiting for them to be delivered.

I took a shower with the special soap I need to use. It is very liquid and does not lather well at all. I just took a quick shower. I can’t use the soap on my privates so I had to use regular soap. I feel better now that I am showered and my anxiety is a little less. I just need to empty my recycles tomorrow. I was going to do that today but I don’t feel up to it.

I listened to 8 innings of the Sox before getting too anxious about showering. My back flared up but it settled down once I sat down for a bit. They won 6-2, sweeping the O’s. They are off tomorrow and then play the snakes in the Bronx. They play two games but there was talk of a double header so I don’t know. My calendar doesn’t put in rescheduled games, which really sucks.

I think I am going to read tonight. I haven’t read anything in weeks. I have been really bad at scheduling time to read a book. I mostly just read Twitter, which lately has been depressing me because of all the virus cases and anti-vax idiots. It just hasn’t been fun lately. I try to get the pets and animals pictures so it can have some brightness to my day.

Tomorrow I go for my Covid test. When my med alarm went off this morning I thought today was Monday. I am so fucking nervous about everything. I think I will need an Ativan before my night meds. I just washed the new clothes I bought. I have to wear female underwear because I need to wear a pad for a week or two after surgery. I am not ok with this as I find it demoralizing but a pair of boxers doesn’t hold a pad so I don’t have a choice really. It won’t kill me to wear them for a week or so. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. It calms me down to hear her voice.

The tacos I ordered came cold and were not so great. Last time I order them. This is the second time they arrived this way and an hour late. I might have a yogurt. My leg is flared up from all the standing I have done today. I just took some meds. My lower back is aching so I took some Tylenol, too. I got to call my PT place to find out if I can see my PT if the Covid test isn’t back yet. Last time it took a little more than 24 hours for me to get results. Each PT visit they ask if we have a pending covid test or had a test within the last 24 hours. I don’t think it will be applicable to me because a doctor ordered it for my surgery not because I am having symptoms. I have been careful to wear my mask all this week and the week before when I go out. I just hope I can sleep tonight and not be up all night because I have to be up early to get ready for the test before leaving the house. I will have Starbucks on the way home because dammit I deserve it!

therapy and self-validation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression

Therapy and self-validation

Today has been a day. I had woken up around 330 because I had to pee. I made sure my bladder was empty and didn’t drink anything after I cathed around 2130 so in the 6 hours I had made urine and it had to be emptied. I kept on having weird dreams about going to the lab to drop off a urine specimen and the first sample was robbed. When I went to give another one, all the bathrooms were locked. You needed a key code to unlock it. I woke up groggy and hung over. I didn’t want to get up but I wanted coffee before therapy so I got up. I really need to start getting up when I wake up, as long as it isn’t between the hours of 12-4a. I am willing to get up at 4 if I know I can nap, which I usually can.

Therapy went a little stressful. We continued our conversation from last session about self-care and coping skills. We spent the entire session talking about how to use coping skills and such. I told her that my sister invalidated me and there is no way in fucking hell she is ever going to have compassion for me being disabled so I got to learn self-validation to overcome the feelings. It is something I am to work on till our next appointment.

After session, I took a shower. It was much needed as I was all sweaty and stinky. I shaved and trimmed my hair a little bit. I did the right side better than the left. The shower caused me so much pain. The shaving caused my arms to flare up so washing my hair caused my upper back to cramp up. My feet were bothering me or cramping because of me shift weight on them. The shower mat doesn’t cover all of the shower floor so I had to be mindful of where I stepped or I would slip. Drying off I almost fell forward as I almost lost my balance. It was not a good experience. I was exhausted and needed a little nap before heading to the pharmacy to get my meds. It was ok resting but I didn’t sleep.

After the rest I went to the pharmacy. I did ok getting there but on the way home I was short of breath. It got worse as I walked home. I tried to slow my pace down but it didn’t matter. I got within three houses of mine and had to stop to rest. I took the mask off so I could breathe better. After a few minutes, I continued home and then rested on my front porch. The mail came so I sorted it as I sat down. Once I could breath again at a somewhat normal pace, I went into the house and went up the stairs where I lost my breath again. I washed my hands like I always do when I come home. I had dropped off my sister’s mail at her apartment and then took a bottle of water which I immediately downed. I rested in my kitchen for a bit, trying to recover. I was thankful my mother was in the other room so I didn’t have to talk to her. Once I finished my bottle of water and was breathing normally, I went upstairs to my room. I cooled off as I was sweating from the exertion and heat.

I had a cup of coffee and some yogurt after my shower but after the trip to the pharmacy, I was really hungry so I ordered Chinese food. I wanted my Kung Pao dish that I have been ordering lately. It is the same restaurant and I get it reordered from UberEats. It was awesome and now I am just going to rest the rest of the evening listening to Taylor Swift. I think I am going to color in my coloring book for a bit as there is no game tonight. I am wicked tired but I don’t think I can sleep. I have surgery in 9 days. I hope it helps these cramps that I have been having the past two days. It has been awful. I go for my urine test on Wed. I ordered my groceries so I will have them delivered tomorrow afternoon. I want to make sure I have enough Gatorade because I won’t be able to lift things for several weeks after surgery. I just re-read the post op instructions and it will be six weeks before able to lift anything greater than 10 pounds. Which means I won’t be able to do the weight exercises like I have been doing. Damn. I also can expect to be tired for up to 4 weeks after surgery. Great. I will be taking a lot of naps I guess.