Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Suicidal thinking

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

It’s finally a nice day, at least seventy degrees out. It is making it warm in the house. I am watching the Sox game. I had spent the afternoon with my sisters for Mother’s day and then retreated back upstairs. I am still feeling really tired, even though I had a good sleep last night.

I had a rough night. I was in severe pain. It was not unbearable but it was more annoying me than anything because it was the third night in the row that I have had to deal with this pain. I texted my therapist because I was feeling really suicidal about it. I just didn’t want to deal with the pain at all but what choice did I have? I couldn’t chop my foot off as much as I would have liked or downed my pain medication like I was thinking about. I guess I am lucky that my pain medication has Tylenol in it because if it didn’t, I probably wouldn’t care. But I don’t want to lose my liver and die that way. Plus I probably would never be on any pain medication ever again if I did OD on my meds. That is something that I take more serious and I don’t want to lose that ability.

Dealing with my menses have just made dealing with pain that much more intolerable. I just am very grumpy and the slightest thing annoys me. I just can’t seem to tolerate things I used to tolerate, my annoying pain included.

Little things such as my pain can set off suicidal thinking. It is extremely hard to pull back when you are annoyed. I am trying to better identify this and to seek help so that I won’t make an attempt on my life again. In the ideal world, most therapists would like clients to call someone when they are on the brink. But rarely does this happen because of hopelessness. You just think that no one would understand what you are going through. I once texted a crisis line that I was thinking of overdosing on my medication. Instead of dealing with the idea of overdosing, they decided that I should talk to a nurse to see if it was safe to take another dose. HUH??? I have all but given up on calling for help when I need it.

Sucky day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Not having a good day. My pdoc’s schedule was all messed up so she was almost 30 mins late to see me. I felt like leaving but I stayed anyways. I asked her multiple times if I was a waste of her time. She said I was projecting. A nice psych term. It basically means I am putting my feelings (being a waste of time) on to someone else. She wants me to consider going in the hospital but there is no way I can. I have to take my father to his numerous doctors appointments this month. Next week is a double header so there is no way for me to go in. Plus all they will do is babysit me. I refuse to go to groups because they are useless. I never get anything out of it and the group leader (who runs most of the groups) is an idiot. We constantly butt heads. She is very condescending and I don’t like her.

I texted my therapist about this. She also wants me in the hospital. But then she knows that I am feeling really bad if I want to stop therapy. I also told her that my pdoc increased my mood stabilizer so hopefully that will help. If I remember to take it. I won’t be able to take it while I am driving my father around the world. It makes me sleepy sometimes.

I also put in a call to my repro endo doc because my fucking menses showed up last night. I am so mad. With all the technology that this world has, why is it so difficult to stop a menstrual cycle?? At this point, I am seriously thinking of a hysterectomy because what the hell do I need it for anyways? I am not going to have kids this late in my life, not like I was waiting to have them anyways. I never wanted to have children because I don’t want to pass on my depressive genes.
Saw my PCP and it was determined that I have a yeast infection under my arm. FUCKING great!! Now I really have to shower every day. I was really hoping it was just a dermatitis thing and would go away with some cortisone cream. Nope. UGH. Today is not my day.

My mood still sucks. I just want to die. Told my pdoc today that I just don’t have the energy to kill myself. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I just want to hibernate, which, if I go in the hospital, that is all I will do anyways. They don’t force you to go to group. I will just isolate and be by myself. And it’s not like they will start me on an antidepressant. My pdoc would if there was one out there for me. I hope increasing my mood stabilizer works.

I am supposed to pick up my niece tonight. I really don’t want to. I want to keep my foot up because it is hurting but I told my sister I would. I am just so tired. I had two doc appointments today. Then was standing in line forever at Walgreens, in my AFO. I hate standing too long because there is no cushion, just plastic so my foot hurts. I won’t wear it again when I pick up my niece. It’s already swollen so I probably will make things worse trying to force my foot in boot.

Did I mention my mood sucks? My pdoc thinks it is because I got my menses. I have to deal with them for a week. I am not happy about this but it’s the only course of action. I have to stop the pill for a week and then restart it. Might as well do that today and then the following Sunday, restart it. So not happy about this. Another reason why I need to shower every day. I have to tonight because I just feel gross, even though I took one yesterday. I need to buy some nice smelling shampoo to motivate me to take a shower. I think that might help. I really hope I don’t get cramps. I usually don’t, haven’t in a while but I still have knots in my stomach because of constipation. I still haven’t found a regimen that regulates me everyday. It sucks. And soon as I find something that works, I forget to do it every day. I am my own worse enemy. I know that if I were to go in the hospital, my meds would be given to me and I wouldn’t have to dish them out every night. That would be the only benefit of going on the hospital. I also wouldn’t have to worry about what to eat. Meals would be given. I wouldn’t have to cook some thing for myself. The food is not that bad.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. I was talking with my therapist yesterday about it and I wish I was writing down what I was saying. Now I forgot. It will be about different suicide theories. That is all I will say for now.

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

BookCoverImage

Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

Chronic Pain is No Joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Chronic pain is no joke

It has been a while since my left foot has been acting up. The last two days have been really bad. I think it is because of the weather changes, temps going from 30 to 60 always wreck havoc on me.

Though I have had a rough day, my thoughts right now are focused on my foot and its throbbing. I seriously want it to stop but there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I already took my pain meds two hours ago and can’t take another dose for another two to four hours. I am in such agony that I want to cut my foot off. I don’t have any power tools in my room so that is a good thing. And I can’t bear weight on my foot so I can’t get to the basement where there are the tools that I need. I hate being in so much pain.

I didn’t do much today, in the way of walking or standing. I did stand a lot yesterday, which is probably why my foot is killing me. There were a bunch of kids at the bus stop yesterday and I couldn’t sit down like I normally could. And it wasn’t like the kids were going to let me sit down. They were running and jumping all over the place. One little kid was actually looking at me like I had ten heads when I decided to move to another spot while waiting for the bus. It was like I wasn’t supposed to move. Now I am paying the price in increased nerve pain and physical pain. Plus my foot is swollen so that is NOT helping my case at all.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep because of the pain. My foot needs to settle down to at least a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Right now it’s a 9. I am glad I already took my night time meds because to get up again will be torture. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom any time soon. Going down the stairs will kill me.

Why does my foot hurt? Because it is an asshole. But seriously, no one knows why. I have nerve damage in my foot and a little of what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I got the nerve damage from a ruptured disc thirteen years ago. Then I got another ruptured disc five years later but at a different level. I have had many problems with my left leg, mostly stemming from my back. I have herniated discs throughout my lumbar spine. I just hope that me lifting and carrying three cases of sprite didn’t hurt me in anyway. I will find out tomorrow. I know my arms are going to be sore.

THROB THROB THROB. That is all my foot does to aggravate me and put me in a bad mood. And there is nothing I can take for the throbbing. I just have to wait for it to settle on its own. Sometimes, if I feel like it, an NSAID gel will calm it down. But right now, I can’t touch my foot. Just the sheets on my bed are bothering it. It is that sensitive. I also love how all the veins in my foot are popping out like no tomorrow. Another sign that it is CRPS. And my foot is so hot, like it is on fire. I wish I had a fire extinguisher for it but none exists. That is what kills me all the time, the burning sensation in my foot. So I have the throbbing, burning, stabbing, bone-crushing pain going on. I really want to lob off my foot. I could cry but I am not a crying guy.