Tag: CRPS

Pain Insomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Pain insomnia

I never wanted to believe in this phenomena called “Pain Insomnia” because I feared it would happen to me if I did. Well, it’s happened. It’s after midnight and I am not sleeping because of pain. I am still listening to music but my foot and ankle are having a war as to which is going to hurt me more. So far my ankle is winning.

I started writing in my journal. I figure that would help me sleep. But nope, it didn’t. I wrote out my “suicide note” in my journal so in case someone reads it should I die they know they aren’t to blame for my death. I have tried everything I could to keep going but the pain is just too much. I just keep on taking pills left and right and that is not the kind of life I want to live. It’s bad enough this pain took away my jobs, my walking ability, basically my dignity. And still no one knows why I am in pain. Some docs have given me the elusive diagnosis of “complex regional pain syndrome” but I don’t fully meet the criteria for that because I don’t have color changes. I just have pain. All the damn time. And it’s worse at night so no doc can see what it is when I am not in the office during the day because that is not when I have pain.

My psychosis is not helping. I skipped a couple of doses and it caused the symptoms to return. Part of it is because my doc wants me on 1 dose a day but I need 2 a day to get relief. So I have this battle with the voices about taking my meds and it isn’t pretty. Mostly the battle is just take the bottle rather than a couple of pills. They don’t understand that by doing so, I might die. But they don’t care. Since when do auditory hallucinations care what you do when they command you to do something? They just want you to obey them. It’s gotten better now that I am back at 2 a day. I still get paranoid though. There was a guy at Starbucks today that was really antsy. I thought he could read what I was writing in my journal. Honestly, anyone that can read my handwriting, I give credit to. It’s complete chicken scratch.

My strong pain pills is ready to be picked up. I will head into Boston tomorrow and get it. I hope there isn’t a problem in the pharmacy. All this talk about opioid awareness has me wicked paranoid about filling my prescriptions. I haven’t had a problem but I don’t want there to be. It’s bad enough I have problems with my antipsychotic getting filled because of the new fucking system my hospital has, and that isn’t a controlled substance!

So while I wait for pain meds to make me sleepy or exhausted, I write till I am completely out of words. Insomnia sucks but pain insomnia is worse. One of my new Twitter follows was talking about how CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helps those with chronic pain but her insurance doesn’t cover it. I find that very discriminatory. I wish I could help her with it. But I don’t know where she is in the world. Hell, I am even trying to get into a CBT program yet I haven’t been called yet. I was hoping to hear from them by the end of last week and here it is a week later and still no word. I just hope my suicidality doesn’t hold them back. I am always fearful about this. I have had so many therapists deny me their services because of my suicidal history.

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow to get pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. I like to bake and I have this new recipe. It looks easy enough. I want to bring them to my therapist when I see her on Tuesday. I also have an appointment with her on Monday. I hope it goes well. She knows that I am suicidal. We have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks. Seems I am more suicidal this time of year than at any other time. She wants me to see me through the new year but I think she is wasting her time with me. I just feel so awful and not sleeping doesn’t help matters.

I had picked a date but I don’t think I will go through with it. There are a few things I haven’t done yet that I want to do before I end things. I was hoping to do it this week but pain stopped me yet again. Next week I will be really busy so the things I need to do will have to be the following week. And again, it all depends on my pain levels to do these things. I hate that I have to be dependent on pain to basically tell me what I can and can’t do. It really sucks.

I remember the last time I visited my cousin in Washington, DC. We went to the Smithsonian and saw a few museums. It was really fun even though my camera wasn’t too cooperative. My leg flared up the next day and I was laid up for most of the weekend. I felt really bad because I couldn’t do anything but put my leg up. Some vacation that was. I stood too long and it just flared up pain in my ankle, much like it’s doing tonight, except I didn’t stand too much today. I did go up and down the stairs a few too many times though.

Long day after a painful night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long day after a painful night

I didn’t go to bed until at least 3 in the morning. I was up in pain most of the night. Every time I laid down, my foot acted up and was very painful. It was giving me such anxiety that I had to take an Ativan to calm down or I knew I would be up till god knows what hour. Pain meds were worthless because the pain started after I took them, which has been the case lately. I texted my therapist that I was canceling sessions and that I was done fighting this bullshit.

We met today and talked about it. She said that I wasn’t cancelling the session or she would tack some more on. We spent the session talking about the difficulty of being in pain most of the night and the anxiety it is creating. If we talked about other stuff, I don’t remember but we are still on for tomorrow, much to my chagrin. I told her it wasn’t worth seeing her and she blew me off.

I gave her some of my cake. No sooner had I left her office, she texted me to say how yummy it was and she was eating the whole thing. I laughed. I was almost an hour early back with the car as I took it an extra half hour because I wasn’t sure of traffic as it was a new location that I got the car. I had to drive around the block as it was a one way street. I walked home and waited for my grocery delivery.

I wasn’t happy with my grocery delivery. They substituted the wrong kind of pumpkin that I needed for my pies and other goodies. And then the pie crust that I ordered was in pieces. I was not happy. I called them up and got a credit for those items. What I am going to do with the pie crusts now, I have no clue. I am so annoyed. Now I have to go to the store to buy the right pumpkin for my desserts. Good thing I don’t plan on baking until this weekend.

I am so fricken tired and annoyed. My mother called me while I was driving home and she asked where I was. I told her I didn’t know. I really didn’t. I knew I was either in Newton or Watertown but not sure where. I was driving for crying out loud. Then she asked why I was driving so I said to see my therapist. She misunderstood and thought I said visiting the cemetery. I got annoyed and rushed her off the phone. When I got home, she was mad at me. I don’t fricken care. Get a fucking hearing aid and I wouldn’t be so annoyed at you.

I put my groceries away. There was no room in the freezer for my things so I had to go to the basement to put some stuff there. Tomorrow I plan on making Hawaiian chicken. I can’t wait. It’s a slow cooker recipe so if I start at 1100 it should be ready by 1600 or so. I don’t know how thick the chicken breasts are though, that might determine how long I cook it for. Last time I made a similar recipe, the chicken got really dry because I over cooked it. I didn’t realize it because I was going by the directions not by how the chicken was prepared. Now I know what to look for. I got my Naan bread. Think I will have it with the chicken.

I haven’t had dinner yet. I had a cheeseburger when I came home. I might make the last patty but I really want cake. Or a nap. I can’t really decide. My ankle is killing me so it needs to be something simple. I bought avocados so I could make my avocado burger, but that seems like a hassle as I am getting lazy. I might just have a muffin and call it a night. I am really tired and cranky. I am sure I will pay for it tonight.

Post 1952

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1952

Not having a good day. Every time I wake up, I am in a lot of pain. My ankle is hurting severely and I only have left my bed to use the bathroom and get something to eat. If I dare move it, it cramps up on me. It’s driving me crazy.

Last night I went to chat and had to restart the laptop because I was having connectivity issues with the internet. In doing so I lost the page which had the CBT number for me to call. I called and left a message today after I used Google to find it again. To my surprise, they called me back today, about two hours later. They asked a bunch of questions and then said that the clinical director would get back in a few days to set up an appointment and such. I could hear back from them by the end of the week.

Our hot water tank is leaking so we have no hot water until it gets fixed or replaced. If I need to shower, I’d have to use my sister’s bathroom on the first floor. Given my current pain issues, that poses a problem as stairs kill me right now. So I will just go without a shower for the next few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning but it only caused me pain. I might have to take the strong pain pills tonight if this doesn’t let up.

Sox are playing in Baltimore tonight. I will follow them until I pass out again. I am not too interested in the game today. Last night I started reading “Dark Tide”. It’s a book about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. This massive molasses tank collapsed and millions of gallons of molasses spilled all over Boston’s North End. Apparently, there were problems in construction and the head business guy that wanted the project done fast never properly tested the tank. They didn’t have OSHA back in those days. It’s pretty interesting and I am liking the book a lot.

I also read a few chapters of Dostoevsky. I am now in the 9th book in Brothers Karamazov. I think there are 12 books total so I am close to being done. I think I have like 30 chapters or so left to read. Some are short and others are long. I can’t wait till I finish. I was hoping to read “Crime and Punishment”, but I think I am going to take a Dostoevsky break. I have been reading him for most of the year. When I started reading earlier this year, I didn’t expect my depression to get so bad nor my father to die in the midst of my depression being so deep.

Sunday Blog 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 20

I totally got the times for today’s games all messed up. I knew the Sox game was in the evening and I also thought the Pats game was, too. Fortunately, the Pats were on at 1 so I could watch both games without having to switch channels.

My mother made a gravy today. It smelled so nice. I love the smell of Sunday gravy. While I was watching the game, I was stirring it occasionally. The meat wasn’t done yet so I didn’t have any. But it smelled awesome. Then while we were finished with dinner, I went to throw away some napkins. I literally took about 1 and a half steps when my ankle got into intense pain. I couldn’t move or stand on my left foot. I hobbled back to my chair and sat for a few minutes. It wasn’t passing so I then hobbled to my room upstairs. My ankle didn’t like it one bit but I was hot and needed to rest the damn thing. I couldn’t do that from the kitchen. Fucker that it is.

I put the AC on in my room and tried to rest it when I realized I hadn’t filled my med box for the week. I took some pain pills and waited a little bit. I was really sleepy and wanted to go back to sleep so I decided to fill my box despite the pain. I was careful not to put my full weight on my foot and I was close to the bed so I could lean on it. My ankle has been kind of bothering me most of the day but it just got worse when I went to throw out those napkins. I guess the walk I took yesterday really messed up my ankle and I didn’t realize it. Oh well. Guess I won’t be going to the MFA this week like I was hoping to.

I don’t understand how my ankle gave out on me as I really didn’t do anything today. I took a nap for most of the afternoon during halftime that just leaked over to the rest of the game. The Pats had the lead and I was sure they would have the win, even though in the last quarter was a little hairy. My sister was panicking and having heart attacks. I was glad I didn’t watch it.

Now I just got to wait an hour before the Sox game starts. I don’t know if I am going to be up because of the meds I took. I also had to take an Ativan because of cramping. It may or may not knock me out. I am frustrated that I am in pain for no reason. I could see if I did something to cause myself pain, but I really didn’t do anything I don’t normally do. Carrying a napkin isn’t heavy and I didn’t walk far to the barrel. It’s just so annoying.