Tag: depression

Saturday blog Nov 4, 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, college football, mood disorders

I was having a fairly good morning until my pain hit. I went to nap and my big toe exploded in pain. It really caused my mood to plummet. After lunch, I took another nap. The evening shift nurse woke me from my rest to discuss my pain. I felt like she didn’t believe me. I’m so tired of having to explain my pain to every staff member on the different shifts. It’s like, don’t you read my records?

After I had dinner, I was getting sleepy again so I made a cup of tea. It was the last tea bag I had that was caffeinated. I didn’t think to pack more as I was running low my last admission. Oh well. Guess Lipton will have to do. I’m trying to get my cousin to visit to bring me some chocolate. If she does come, I’ll ask her for some tea as well.

My check in person is cool and my favorite mental health counselor is on this weekend. I really enjoy talking to her. She bought my 1st book. I tried to send her my 2nd but they had a nursing change and decided it wasn’t good to have patients give gifts to staff.

My mood sucks and I just want to die. I just feel so hopeless that things are going to get better. Just got to take it day by day. My pain isn’t so bad right now and I hope it stays that way. Last night it flared and I didn’t do so well. The staff didn’t know what to do for me. My idiot contact person jokingly said I should swift kick a wall. Yeah, that will help. I’m just frustrated with being here. Maybe Monday I can have a discharge date set up.

I talked with my mother and she asked why I went here rather than where my psych is. So in bad to go through it once again. I didn’t choose to be here. Hell, I didn’t want this admission to begin with but it was either go voluntary or be committed. So I’m just going to bide my time until I can leave.

There was only one group today. I think there is one tomorrow, too. I don’t remember. I was kind of sick this morning. I think the Zoloft is causing nausea. When I brought it up to the covering doc, he said to eat carbs. I told him I had 2 bagels for breakfast before my meds. Idiot. I’m not going to take it tomorrow and see how I do. My time on it might have run out. Another antidepressant bites the dust.

Watching some of the OSU game. They got killed by Iowa. So disappointing. The guy that served the meals is a buckeye fan. He said they weren’t on TV but I found the channel. I was getting impatient waiting for updates with the app and wanted to watch the game.

Exhausting painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I woke up around 2 in pain so got some pain meds. I woke up around 8 after falling back to sleep. I wanted coffee but the damn breakfast dude had shut the doors to the kitchen. I don’t know why they do this for every meal. Drives me crazy. While I was waiting for him to open the door, my pain spiked and so did my suicidality. I just wanted to die. After I got the disgusting coffee and some breakfast, I met with my team. I told them I would retract the 3 day and the psychiatrist asked what changed my mind. I said the thought of going to a state hospital wasn’t appealing. After we talked, he gave me privileges just like that. After I told him I was suicidal. Whatever. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go out today anyway. I just hurt too much.

I had a mental health counselor that I liked as my check in person and told her I hated being far away from the nurse’s station. She was able to have me change rooms to be closer. I had to walk back and forth with my things. That caused a flare up. I am staying in my room the rest of the night. I need to rest. I am wicked tired, like I’ve taken a sleeping pill. I am so wiped out from this chronic pain today. It has been fluctuating all day. 

There is a service dog on the unit. He is very cute. The bugger had learned to leave the patient’s room so he has been hanging out for most of the day. This is the 1st time I have seen a dog on the unit.

It has been a really warm day out and so the unit has been stifling. I was sweating when I was done with the room change. I didn’t pack shorts so I ended up making them out of some scrub pants when I was last admitted. I am much cooler now. My room has the windows wide open so it’s nice and cool. I like it. I can not tolerate the heat, which I think has contributed to my pain being bad the past two days. If dinner wasn’t in a few minutes, I would take a nap. I will after I eat. I’m kind of hungry.

I hope that because I got privs today that my discharge date might be next week. Least I hope so. I want the fuck out of here. My psychiatrist wants me to stick it out but I really don’t see the point. 

I went to two groups today. The 1st one was group therapy and I came out to the patients that were there. Everyone was supportive and I think there is another trans female on the unit. I hope we can connect but she seems very distant.

The other group was on stigma and I didn’t care for it. It was really boring. 

Very sucky day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So this admission is very bad. All day i have been fighting to get my meds straight. None of my PRN orders are there. My night meds are my day meds. I am beyond frustrated. 

The attending psychiatrist talked to my psych. She is very worried about me and doesn’t want me discharged at the end of 3 days. The attending said that if I don’t retract the 3 day, he will file for commitment. Fucking made my day. So tomorrow I’ll have no choice but to retract it. I wanted to think about it before I rushed to the decision. He said they will do “work” with me, but I seriously doubt it. The social worker I am seeing will not be my SW come Monday. I think Bonnie will be back and that isn’t good. This SW at least wants to help. Bonnie will give two shit in a hand basket. I just want to go home but it doesn’t look like it will be soon.

I’ve had a migraine most of the day. I thought some ibuprofen would take care of it but nope. Hence when I found out my PRNs aren’t ordered. The fire alarm went off today which really killed my head. We were in group, my only one i really wanted to attend. I took a shower hoping it will help.  It did a little. It is hot on the unit so now I am sweating. I need to get my window open.

I haven’t been in the mood to call family. My sister just called but I didn’t pick up. I really don’t feel like talking. I woke up in pain in my malleolus and it has been constant all day. The nuclear med department called to schedule a bone scan. I told them Dec as I think I’ll be here for a while. 

I am so mad at my psych for hospitalizing me. I am mad at myself for telling her my fucking plans or at least hinting at them. I want to write her an email to say she sucks. I know she knows me well and she wouldn’t put me here is she didn’t think it was necessary. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Just met with my check in person and he was able to open the window! Yay, no overheating! I probably won’t have privileges until maybe next week so I can go on walks. My SW saw me before she left. She said to look up positive psychology for acceptance commitment therapy. I might do it if my migraine goes away. I don’t have my laptop so looking at the stuff on my phone is going to be a challenge.

I am getting hungry. I had dinner but my sweet tooth is calling. I might have a bowl of cereal. I wish I brought some of my tea bags I like. I used them up the last time I was here. I don’t know why I’ve been so sleepy all day. I think it is my mood stabilizer that I usually take at night but they have it for the morning. 

The 15 minute checks are really annoying me. I know they need to do them but my door is open. They don’t need to knock!

Update hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I am so livid!!!! Asswipe have transferred me to the crummy hosp I was in in July. If I get the same treatment team, I am signing a 3 day. Fuck this shit. 

Med screw up. Night meds are day meds. My mood stabilizer they only have at night, not morning. And my hormone pill hasn’t been approved by pharmacy yet. If I get my menses over a missed dose, there will be hell. I didn’t bring the proper attire for that shit. Ugh. I am not fucking happy. 

Back is fricken hurting from the beds. I might as well be sleeping on concrete. I did get some sleep so that was good. Not doing shit today. I’m too sleepy and want to just be alone. 

My name is a fucking issue. I legally changed my name and they are refusing to change it in the system. WTF. I told them I changed it last week but no avail. I will be giving them the insurance card I just received. Maybe that will do something. 

This hosp wasn’t planned so I am out of sorts. My psych is hopeful they can help me. I seriously doubt it if I get Bonnie and Clyde. I told them which doc/team I wanted. And that Bonnie and Clyde are asswipe.

I got a single again. Transgender has its perks. Sucky part is they know I have trouble walking so they put me farthest from the nurse’s station. They always do this. Assholes. They had to dump my water bottles because they were open. Ugh. Wasn’t happy about that either! But the water cooler water is decent so I’ll have water. I brought a cup with me to I would use less Styrofoam. They also have enhanced water which is flavored but no calories. I really like it.

I won’t find out who my team is until rounds, which will be in a few hours. I probably won’t see anyone until the afternoon so I can sleep this morning. I was up for close to 20 hours yesterday. Hope it doesn’t cause a hypomanic episode. I’m still mad they screwed up my mood stabilizer. Everything is in the damn computer because everything is linked. Fucker. I’ll get it straight when I see the doc. 

When I was signing in to a voluntary admission, I was tempted to not sign until I knew who my treatment team was. I don’t know if I do have to sign a 3 day if today will count. The rules surrounding that are weird. If I sign and have to stay the weekend, I’ll be pissed. Please send good vibes that I get the team I want.