Tag: depression

My appointments today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My appointments today

I met with my psychiatrist. She spoke with the NP and explained the situation. I was grateful because I was really nervous. We also talked about how I have been doing which just centered on my pain levels. I told her I had been baking but it costs me every time I do it. Then we talked about how I am using the trilafon and I told her. She didn’t like it but I told her it works for me. I see her in two weeks.

I had 45 minutes before my next appointment. I just found a seat by the elevators and wrote in my journal. I brought a book for me to read but I was too nervous. Time came for the appointment and I went upstairs. I had to wait at least a half hour for the NP. She is never on time. She started off by saying I had a very caring psychiatrist, which I do. We talked about what to do about my pain and I bluntly said that I just wanted this and that. Surprisingly, I got it. She wanted me to go to the pain clinic but I told them they just wanted injections or infusions and I wasn’t for it. I didn’t want to see anymore doctors. I told her I thought I was under medicated and if I had the right amount of meds, maybe that would work. She haggled over the Tylenol levels and I was getting bullshit. She wanted me to try another drug. I don’t want to try another drug. Just give me two more pills of my regular pain pills and I will be happy. What is so hard about this? UGH. She worked it out as to how many pills to order. I could have told her but I didn’t want to be a smartass. Eventually she figured it out after calculating it on paper. She didn’t change the fucking order though, so I am still taking 1 pill every 4 hours now instead of 6. I told her I take 2 in the morning 2 at bedtime and then 2 when all hell breaks loose. She understands this but, dammit, didn’t write it that way. I am so frustrated.

I luckily got my strong pain pills and regular pain pills on separate sheets of paper. Monday I will fill the strong pain pills because I know the pharmacy will provide a stink about it and have to call the office to confirm they know what they are doing, even though it’s the same provider and office that are prescribing me the meds. So annoying.

I came home and was exhausted. I also needed to pee before my bladder exploded so I went to the bathroom first before going to my room. I bought some ice cream at the pharmacy and had some before going upstairs. Now I just ordered a burger and onion rings because I am in too much pain to go to the basement freezer to get pizza. I will have that tomorrow. I just hope I can find my sister’s pizza stone so I can cook it on that. Of all the gadgets my mother buys, she doesn’t have a pizza stone.

This morning when I went back to sleep after showering, I had a dream about my father. Then the damn alarm went off. I was so pissed. I miss that fucker so much. He looked good in the dream, not like the way I last saw him. He was wearing a button down shirt and of course his dress pants. I wanted to talk to him so bad but I woke up before I could do. He was demanding in the dream like he always was in real life. I guess there are some things you can’t change.

Hang Over

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Hang Over

I got a Neurontin hang over because I took a lot of it last night to help with the pain as I am low on my pain meds. I also took a lot to help me sleep through the night. Now I am on my second cup of coffee to help clear the cobwebs.

Today is my sister’s birthday. I wrote her a sentimental note and placed it in the card. We are going out for dinner tonight. My mother’s back is hurting so I am hoping she can make it. It would be good to have the family together. Course, this is the first of many birthdays without my father so I know it’s going to be weird. I have been thinking about him a lot today.

One of the clinicians that I know on Twitter sent me a response to my upsetting chat blog. He gave me an article to read and would like my insights into it. I read the article with interest though it was hard to do with this hang over I have. I told him I would write a blog about it because 140 characters are too short for my response. I am still thinking of a response, but I had a question for the psychologist that the article is about. I am waiting for a response before I write a blog.

The game of taking my foot in and out of the covers is still going on. It is so annoying. Half the time I am waking up with my foot frozen. I need to get the AC out of my room so it can be a little warmer. And for some reason, I had the ceiling fan going. That helped my foot a whole lot, NOT. I hate when my feet get so cold and then warm up because it’s like going through the process of freezer burn. It warms up and then it hurts like a SOB. I can’t win.

I have the appointment with the NP for my pain management. I hope that my psychiatrist has emailed her. Otherwise, I fear that it’s going to be another status quo appointment. I am going to ask that the order be changed to how I take it. And I am going to ask for the 2 extra pills a day to help ease my pain. Four pills a day just isn’t cutting it. I am really nervous about speaking up about this. I am terrified of her saying no to my request or saying that a MD needs to change the order, which means I need to wait another damn month. I have decided I won’t wait the month. I am in too much pain as it is and dealing with another month of this bullshit because she is an NP and not an MD is just ridiculous. I am tired of dealing with stupidity around my meds and not being heard.

My therapist wanted to know the outcome of the appointment via text. I just texted telling her I won’t be texting her tomorrow, regardless of how it goes down. I just don’t care or give a shit anymore. I tried to convey this to her yesterday when we had our appointment and it fell on deaf ears. She is another one that doesn’t hear me, but she knows the severity of my suicidality so there is some cause for concern.

In the article that I read today, which I post a full blog about, it was talking about suicide being its own diagnosis, specifically as an acute suicidal affective disturbance. I unfortunately, fall into the criteria for it but my only saving grace (so far) has been that I haven’t been able to walk to my destination of choice to kill myself. The criteria does exclude some stuff but not medical conditions, such as chronic physical pain. This is the information I am waiting on before I write my thoughts on this new diagnosis they are proposing.

Cubs Win, Baseball Season is Over

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball

Cubs win, baseball season is over

It was a thrilling game. The Chicago Cubs won after a 108 year drought. I was cursing them the whole time but I was rooting for them just the same. I don’t like their manager, Joe Maddon. I think he is a crooked guy.

My love, for now, has ended and I am sad. I won’t see another game until March, when Spring Training starts, that is if I am still alive by then. I will miss baseball for the next few months and the depression will kick in and knock me to my knees. I hate this. I have what is called BDD, baseball depressive disorder. Only cure is baseball games and they don’t start until March a long ways from now.

don’t know if I should write anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Don’t know if I should write anymore

I have been contemplating writing today. It’s been a difficult day. I again had pain and I think because I have been rationing my pain medication, I have been going through withdrawal. That hasn’t been pleasant. But there is nothing I can do about it until Friday. I feel like all I do is talk about my pain and also that it is boring you guys.

I didn’t go out today because I wanted to rest my ankle. Friday will be a long day because I have two appointments. I want to prepare myself for it as much as I can. I am not hopeful that the NP appointment will go well. If anything, I will get my usual amount of meds and hopefully a refill for the strong pain pill but nothing else will change. And I will be pissed off because I will feel unheard. If the NP gets freaked out and refuses to give me my meds because she is worried, I will end things sooner than planned.

I was talking with my therapist today about this. I told her somethings and it made her worry. She wants me to text her after the appointment with the NP to see how it goes. I told her I have no intention to do so. I feel things aren’t going to matter, which is why I didn’t want to write today. Nothing matters to me anymore. I am tired of fighting pain. I give up.

I took a shower today and made coffee. I was really tired after all the Neurontin I took last night. I plan on taking the same dose tonight. It helps me sleep some. I woke up this morning without the sock I had worn to bed. It’s hiding somewhere under the covers because it’s not on the floor. When I told my therapist this, she laughed and said I was such a guy.

I might write tomorrow, which could be my last blog. Depends on how I feel. Just feeling really down right now and not sure what to do about it.