Tag: depression

Morpheus, Where are you??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Morpheus where are you??

My stomach ache is gone but my foot has exploded so I had to take strong pain pills to kill it. I really would have loved to shoot myself in the foot. Least the pain would be explainable. But I would probably take the gun to my head instead at this point. I am feeling really poorly because I can’t fucking sleep. I have taken my regular pain meds, Ativan, and now the strong pain meds and I am still fucking awake.

I looked over my finances and the money I got paid yesterday is gone. I have only a hundred dollars to my name, which will be half that after I pay for my prescription later today and my T pass. I shouldn’t have bought groceries but I needed food, even though I am not eating very much these days. I think I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks because my appetite has been nothing. I have been eating just one meal a day and that has been it. I don’t feel hungry. And you would think that because of the weight loss, my pain would be less. NOPE. If anything, it has increased!! One physiatrist told me that even if I was my “normal” weight, I would still have back issues. Course, she didn’t say that in her notes. She said that I should lose weight. Talk about contradiction. If losing weight is supposed to decrease my pain, why does it increase it? Doesn’t make any fucking sense. My therapist would say I am the exception not the rule. I hate when she says that. She is reckless, like the new Martina McBride song. I can’t wait to get the lyrics because I think the song is perfect for our relationship. It’s not available on Amazon right now and I am pissed. I hate iTunes. It always crashes the computer.

I can’t take my pain anymore. I am going to go through with my plans this weekend. Fuck it. I am done. It probably won’t kill me but at least I will be seriously knocked out. I just need a fucking escape and I have it and I am going to use it. It is a done deal, for right now. I may still change my mind but I doubt it if this fire that is burning is still going on. I will text my therapist before I do it. Or maybe I won’t. Will be kind of stupid if I did.

It’s getting cool outside but it’s still hot in my room so I have the ceiling fan on. It’s a comfortable coolness in my room that I like. I will probably be cold in the morning but oh well. I am comfortable now. Why can’t I sleep then?? The meds have kicked in though now I am feeling nerve pain. I have found that I will have intense fucking physical pain and then when the opioids kick in, my foot/ankle will burn like it is on fire. Neurontin is the only thing that extinguishes these fires but I can’t take it now or I will be foggy brain later today and I need to be coherent because I have to see my “lovely” father.

When I saw him yesterday, he was speaking mostly Italian. My middle sister couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I don’t think she ever really grasped the language like I did when I was taking it in college and in high school. I may not know ALL that he says but I can get the gist of it, if he talks slow enough. If he talks fast, forget about it. I am lost. Maybe I should invest in the Rosetta Stone to learn Italian because he is going to be speaking it more as he ages. I think he thinks he is speaking English sometimes because when you tell him to speak English, he has a confused look on his face like “huh”?? And then he is silent because he is searching for the English translation to what he is saying. He will also talk slow like we are retarded or something. It’s very frustrating.

I am feel loads of pain in my left ankle down to my toes. The peroneal tendon must be inflamed because that’s what it feels like. I had a good pic of the tendon but I have no idea where it got saved to. The spasms that I had earlier before my foot exploded must have triggered the tendon. Fuck. I wish I could just cut the sucker out and be done with it. I am so sick of being in fucking pain.

Every morning a little after 0100, I get a text from the Twitter account of Dilbert. I love the comic strip. It makes me laugh. Very few things these days make me laugh but Dilbert does.

I feel like having ice cream now that my tummy feels better but the effects of the strong pain pills is starting to make me feel woozy. It funny because I will feel high for about 30 seconds and then I will just collapse. This happens to me almost every time I take it. It’s very rare that I am able to fight the effects of this medication. I hope Morpheus finds me and I can sleep. I just hope he doesn’t bring me dreams about Jobes again. Those are weird. Dreaming about a psychologist that I respect a great deal and then following him around like a puppy? No thanks, Morpheus.

Stomach aches and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Stomach aches and other things

I had a two hour nap. The only thing I had to eat today was a burger. It was really good but now, eight hours later, my stomach is doing flip flops. I just took some Alka-Seltzer and that seems to be helping. I haven’t eaten anything else today, I just wasn’t hungry. And there is no way I am eating anything right now the way my stomach feels.

It seems that no matter what, I always seem to be in pain of some sort these days. It’s really making me exhausted. I read the instructions of the new nasal spray that I was given. You can take two squirts a day so I just took another dose to see if it helps my head. So far, I am breathing out of both nostrils. Hope that stays the same. I just am curious why I have to have a different ailment every day. Yesterday was vertigo shit and today a sour stomach. I am so tired of dealing with things other than my ankle/foot problem. My ankle/foot I know what to do to relieve the pain and suffering for the most part. The other stuff, it just takes some time and hydration to get my equilibrium back. I’m lucky I had Alka-Seltzer as I am out of tums and Mylanta. I would have preferred Mylanta or the Walgreens version of it. Maybe I will grab a bottle when I go tomorrow.

My psychiatrist must have read her email because when I woke up there was a message from Walgreens saying my prescription was ready. I’ll get it tomorrow. The pharmacy is closed now anyways. Besides, I don’t think going out with my sour stomach would be a good idea.

I didn’t call my father but I did check up on him via his nurse. He is doing better. The bastard is still out of sorts and gave my sister a hard time when she called him. I know better than to call him. I will go by tomorrow. I think he might be discharged on Monday if all goes well.

I hate this stomach feeling that I have. I really want to go back to sleep. I took my meds and now I just want to sleep. My stomach is not helping matters. I really don’t want to puke because then I won’t be able to see my father (I know a pity). I don’t want to pass whatever I have along to him. I really hope this is just an upset stomach and nothing more. I have eaten from this place before and I don’t remember ever feeling this sick from eating there. But then, I haven’t been eating all week so it was probably a shot to my system. I am just glad I didn’t order Chinese food like I had wanted. That would have been worse.

Feeling Better, I Think

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling Better, I think

I didn’t have my eight straight hours of sleep like I wanted but I got five straight and then another three so I think that balances out. My groceries came and I got an extra 4 pack of bran muffins. I don’t think I will eat all of them so my mother had me freeze them in our dilapidated freezer. It’s going and my mother needs to get a new fridge but for whatever reason, we always have problems with the delivery.

I am still feeling nauseous today so I am just going to stay home. It’s not helping that the post nasal drip is causing gagging at times. I did a lot today, putting the groceries away and going up and down stairs. I had to order a burger because I have been thinking about it for some time now so that is what I had for lunch. I am thinking of having the black bean burger for supper. Depends on how hungry I get. Lately, I just have been able to eat one meal and that is it. I am done for the day.

I was going to go to my father’s to throw away some meat that he bought but I think I will do that tomorrow. It’s not going anywhere and he is still in the hospital so he won’t know the difference.

I took my psych meds last night and I am feeling better. Not 100% but close to it. I still haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist on the refill. I hope she checks her email soon. I feel really depressed today. All I want to do is sleep but soon as I lie down, my thoughts go in a million directions. Then soon as I get to the final drop off, usually forty-five minutes to an hour later, my phone or some noise will stir me awake and I can’t get back to the level of sleepiness. I don’t know how people can sleep for 15 minutes. If I sleep, I am down for the count.

I need to take a shower today but I think I will take one tonight. I am kind of sleepy right now and took my pain meds because my ankle is being a bitch. I should be knocked out soon. I still have the whisperer on and that is helping to keep my brain calm. It really helped me last night to get to sleep. I am hoping it will help me take a nap, too.

The new nasal spray is not helping my congestion 100%. My right nostril is still clogged and I can’t get it to open up. I want to use afrin but the NP said to stop as I was getting rebound congestion. I am passing little air and it’s so annoying. It’s not helping my sinus pressure that I feel or the sinus headache. I was hoping it would help the post nasal drip but that doesn’t seem to be happening either. It’s making me feel like I am coming down with a cold but I don’t feel like cold symptoms are there. Just the congestion.

Overtired to the Max

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Overtired to the Max

I have been up since 0500. For the last two hours, I have been trying to sleep, but the events of the day keep creeping in my head and I can’t sleep. Plus the damn wind has kicked up a few hundred notches so it’s shaking my side of the house. Just fucking wonderful. I really envy my mother who can sleep through anything and fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I am feeling better but I am hungry. I am too scared to go down the stairs because I don’t want the dizziness to return. I know I will be starving in the morning. But I will make an egg burrito and that should keep me satisfied.

I emailed my psychiatrist to get a refill on the medication that I need. I thought about telling her about my syncope/vertigo episode but she is out of the office and I was afraid she would want me to go to the ER or something. I want to see if taking all my meds tonight helps. But this feeling of being overtired is making me sick, literally. I feel so nauseous.

I don’t know why I feel like an asshole, but I do. I can’t get the stupid events out of my head from today and I feel like an idiot because of the way I acted, even though I didn’t think I acted out of line. GGGRRRRR. It’s driving me crazy.

I texted my therapist to tell her about the events and how I was feeling. I told her I wanted to talk to my psychiatrist. Then I remembered her pager is probably signed out to another clinician, which doesn’t help me much. All I can do is email her and hope she gets it. I am kind of annoyed that she is out of the office. I understand that a family member is sick and she needs to take care of that person. I just feel shafted because I haven’t seen her in more than a month and there is no indication that she is coming back to the office soon. I miss her and need to talk to her face to face or via telephone not email. I am just frustrated and irritable right now. Even the wind is pissing me off.

I put on my whisperer thingy. It helps my brain to shut down. I don’t know why it works, but I am usually asleep within 15 minutes of listening to it whoosh. That with the Ativan I took, should knock me out and I swear if I wake up before 0600 tomorrow I am going to be really pissed. I have been up almost 19 hours straight. I really would like at least six hours or more of sleep.

I think I need to go back to my repro endo doc because as much as I really like having facial hair, growing it without taking testosterone is concerning me. I had an incidentaloma on my pituitary gland a few years ago. It wasn’t significant at the time but now that more hair is growing, I am getting a little freaked out that it has grown. I have to take a shower tomorrow, as long as I am not dizzy so will shave my face again. I also need to get a haircut.