Tag: depression

Dizziness Returns

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dizziness Returns

I went to my father’s because the VNA service was coming over and I knew they would be asking all kinds of questions about his meds. Damn idiots at the hospital had about ½ his medication listed so now they need to call his PCP’s office to verify he is on all this medication. Really?? The bottles themselves don’t prove he is taking it and I am the one that dishes out his meds every damn week and you don’t think I know what my father takes?? I am so irritated. So another nurse will be coming by tomorrow to make the necessary phone calls and shit as today is Sunday and his PCP’s office just has an answering machine. The on-call doc is not going to know my father and will just say call tomorrow anyways. Useless!

While I was there, my ears starting feeling funny and then I started to feel like I did last week with the dizziness. It’s been several hours now and I can’t make the feeling go away. Every time I walk or go up the stairs, I feel worse. I hope my heart is ok and it’s just an ear thing but I feel like I am going to pass out, which isn’t a true sign of vertigo. I took my BP when I came home and it was normal. My monitor is supposed to pick up abnormal heart rhythms and it didn’t detect anything. Now in addition to calling to make appointments for my father, I have to call my doctor’s office and make an appointment for myself because this shit sucks. It can’t be because of low blood sugar because I had two meals today. I had breakfast and then ate over my father’s. I am glad that he ate because he hasn’t been eating too good the past week. I take after him in regards to eating one meal a day. I am full with lunch as I had too much of the rotisserie chicken.

The dizziness is less severe than it was on Wednesday last week. But feeling like passing out is the same. I have been trying to drink more but I don’t always think of it. I just hope they don’t want me to go to the ER for fluids or something. I hate IVs. I no longer think it’s withdrawal from my meds because I have been taking them, though I skipped the baclofen last night. It could all be because I haven’t been sleeping. I fell asleep last night around 1800 and then woke up at midnight. I didn’t go back to sleep until 0500 or so. When I woke up later this morning around 0900, I had a wicked headache and was foggy. I took some Excedrin and made coffee as well as breakfast. I finally had my black bean burger I have been craving. I like the ones I have though they are really spicy. I drank almost a full glass of iced tea with it before I had my coffee.

This whole thing is giving me anxiety with chest heaviness that I hate. And today started off as a great day because my favorite author, Lawrence Block, commented on my blog this morning. I couldn’t believe it and had to read the comment a few times to know that it was him! I was so excited to receive the comment I was texting and emailing all I knew about it. I have been reading his work for the past 25 years and just got his latest work about writing a book from start to finish as well as his new novella. I haven’t started either book yet as I am reading his older book “After the First Death”. I just hungrily love his writing and scoop up his books whenever I can.

I am hoping this week will be calmer so I can do some writing. But it all depends on my sleep and the doc appointments for myself and my father. I also hope that with the return of my appetite, the rest of the physical symptoms of depression will go away. I want the feeling of being tired all the time away as well, but I think that has more to do with my chronic pain than depression. I know that it gets worse when the depression is at its worse. It’s like walking through mud uphill. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. Just getting dressed is a battle or showering. I was going to take a shower today but with the dizziness, I don’t think I will. I can’t risk passing out. I can be dirty one more day.

Why Do I Need Therapy?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychology, suicide

Why do I Need Therapy?

I woke up from oblivion and asked myself, why do I need therapy? I think I am doing it more out of obligation than for help. Sure, it’s nice to talk to someone every week. I just don’t know if I should continue or not. I know that I will feel a certain kind of loneliness without therapy. I have been doing this for fifteen years now. I still wonder if me paying her to talk is worth it. I feel really worthless and guilty for some reason. My head is foggy from the medication and I need to take my psych meds before I go loopy again. Withdrawal from oxcarbazepine is not pleasant as I found out on Wednesday.

Sure, therapy has helped me with things and stuff but do I need it? Can I stop therapy and be okay. I have my blog to write my feelings down and vent. Course, it is not the same as venting to someone on the phone or in person. Lately, we have been trying to work on self-care. I have never done that before. I have taken “mental health” days off work, more than I should have. I just couldn’t handle it and my therapist kept pushing me to take some time off of work. But then I was working 50-60 hours a week. I miss being well enough to work that many hours. In the end I was working either 20-32 hours and I was a 40 hour employee. I had to use my earned time to get 40 hours. Within weeks, my bank of time ran out and so did my job. I was deemed disabled and unable to do my job by some committee that I have no idea who was involved in. And I certainly wasn’t invited to share my experience with these people. But there went my job that I have been working in for 14 years. My psychiatrist thinks that there is no way I can work a job anymore with my back situation. That was kind of reassuring for me. And my therapist thinks the same way..

I know mentally I have been up and down and all around. My therapist knew that I was going to oblivion tonight and though she was concerned, didn’t really try to stop me. She didn’t like what I was doing, but she knew I needed an escape. I slept really hard, a good seven hours straight. Now I am foggy as hell and kind of hungry. I don’t know if I should have the yummy red velvet pop tarts or Oreo’s thin golden cookies. I am a sucker for sugar cookies.

I knew my oblivion was not going to be permanent and my therapist knew that. I have texted her what I was doing all weekend. I deleted the messages on my phone in case I really didn’t wake up or tried to go to the bathroom and fell down the stairs. That was my only fear. The password on my phone is easy. It’s my niece’s birthday and my sister knows this. She knows because I told her when my niece wanted to use my phone for games. Unfortunately, I have had to delete the games because my phone is out of fucking memory. I have 16 GB and it’s all used up. I had to also delete the FB app because it was taking up a good chunk of memory. I use my web browser on my phone to check FB now.

I feel like I am obligated to be in therapy because I owe my therapist money. Though, if you think about it, the more I see her, the more I have to pay. Thing is, I don’t think I am being “analyzed” when we talk. I know things are harder on the phone than in person. I get that. But shouldn’t my words be scrutinized? I am just thinking out loud here, throwing my thoughts on this computer screen. Sure, we talked about Hyde and the dealings he is making and we talk about my suicidality but really don’t have a plan. We just go by my word that I won’t kill myself. I am not saying I need a new therapist. I am just wondering if I truly need to talk to someone every week.

I am not saying that I am stable enough to be without therapy. I just wonder if I am just wasting her time and my own by talking. She gets that I have been injured by father’s narcissism and we try to work through that, course it goes in one ear and out the other sometimes. I just can’t retain what she says because it hits me a certain way and I can’t deal with it at that moment. I do a lot of self-reflection after therapy so I write down what we talked about and such. I had started to keep a notebook of what we talked about but this week I didn’t keep notes because of my damn narcissistic father. All we talked about was his medical needs and how stupid he is about understanding what is going on at times. Sometimes he gets things and sometimes he is out to lunch. I don’t understand why I have to tell her the details of my father’s dilemma. It just takes up so much of our time that we don’t talk about anything else.

I feel like the only reason I keep going is because I am obligated some how to talk to her. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s like I have to humor her to stay in therapy. We talk more like we are friends than a professional relationship. I am not saying this is wrong or anything. Sometimes I like this and other times I feel like we are doing something wrong. Lately we have been talking about self-care, something we have never really talked about in the whole 15 years we have been talking. My taking the Neurontin was part of self-care because I really needed sleep and to zone out. It might have been in excess but the dose that I took I knew it wasn’t lethal. If I had taken say my trileptal at that dose, it might have been a different story.

Saturday Blog 44

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 44

Spent the morning getting my father settled back home. He was discharged today from the hospital. I am sure tomorrow I will be getting a phone call from the visiting nurse to go over everything, again. He is resting now.

I got home and was very hungry. I had a muffin for breakfast with some almond milk. I hadn’t eaten anything else. My damn mother kept on asking me questions and I had to repeat the answers twice because she didn’t hear me the first fucking time. When she asked me her final question, I screamed the answer so now she thinks something is bothering me. Yea, you being deaf!! I feel like Jacob two-two every time I talk to her. It’s just so annoying having to repeat yourself every time I talk to her. I just wasn’t having it today. I was tired and hungry and she was preventing me from making a damn sandwich because I kept having to repeat myself.

I plan on having some ice cream later. I just hope it’s not soup because the freezer is breaking down. My mother still hasn’t bought a fridge yet. I wish she would just order it online but she is so damn stubborn. She has to see it with her eyes and physically touch it to buy the thing.

I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep very well, again, last night. Probably another reason why my temper is short. My back is cramping again. I think I got to restart taking magnesium supplements. I was doing good with taking them but stopped because the cramps went away. Now they are back.

I filled my pill box for the week. Now I don’t have to play hodgepodge. I don’t know what kind of state I will be in tomorrow so decided to do it today. I plan on taking some Neurontin so I can zone out. Nerve pain is being a bitch. Of course, the weather is wrecking havoc on me because it’s fucking cold today and then will be close to 60 degrees tomorrow. A 30 degree difference. My back and ankle just can’t handle that kind of change in one day.

My psychiatrist got back to me last night. She says she hears me about all that I have been going through. She didn’t seem concerned that I wasn’t eating and losing weight. But then, I am on the heavy side so it’s good that I am losing. I just hope I can keep the weight off when the depression disappears and my appetite returns.

Amazon is so weird. I can order stuff that is free shipping and it will take a week to get to me. Other times, I place the order and it’s delivered within a few days. I don’t get their shipping times. But tomorrow, I should be having my new books. I am such a bibliophilic. I still have three books on Kindle that I need to read. Actually, I have more than three that I need to read. I just bought two more Lawrence Block books because they were a steal. Can’t go wrong with either $3 or free. I got his latest book that he has been talking about the past two months. I am so glad I have his blog to keep me up-to-date on his writing ventures. I have so many books to read but unfortunately, I don’t have the inclination to read sometimes so they just sit on my bed for a while before I pick them up again. The latest book I am reading is “Common Struggle”. So far it reads like a speech more than a book. But then, it is written by a politician. I don’t think I am going to get back to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I am only on the third chapter and haven’t touched it since everything that has been going on with my father.

I have been listening to music more and that has been my zoning out because I listen to the lyrics more than have it as background noise. I think I am losing my touch to multi-tasking. But then, I am disabled so what do I have to multi-task about?

Long Day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a very long day. I spent the early afternoon at Starbucks, where I wrote in my journal for a couple of hours. I then went to the hospital to see my father. They wanted to discharge him tonight but I convinced them to keep them one more night, just to be on the safe side as he lives alone. Then my sister took us out for dinner and drinks. I had a margarita that was not a good one. The stuff in the pre-made bottle was better than the one I had. It was such a waste of money.

All day today there were suicide prevention conferences that I was retweeting the tweets from. It was good information that I thought I would pass along. I have another book that I want to get but it doesn’t matter. I probably won’t ever be a clinician like I hope to be one day.

As I was visiting my father, the nurse for the patient in the next bed had to redraw the patient because “the lab lost the previous bloods”. A million scenarios went through my head as to why this happened. First off, it was only 2 hours old so the lab probably didn’t get it yet, the nurse put the wrong labels on the patient, misidentifying him, or the labs were there but haven’t been logged in yet. I had to hear how she “gave the lab a piece of her mind”. I so wanted to say something but the nurses on this floor are so stupid when it comes to lab work. Hell, she couldn’t even explain why the guy had a GI bleed so I knew she wasn’t the smartest apple in the crowd. What I would have given to say to her what I was thinking. I will never know the truth of what happened with those bloods.

I emailed my psychiatrist about everything that went on with me this week. I told her I haven’t been eating and have lost weight. I just have zero appetite and then when I do eat, I can’t finish what I made. Tonight my sister took us to my favorite wing place. Usually I can finish the wings. There are like eight pieces. I must have eaten five before I was full. I barely touched the rice it came with. It was the only thing I had to eat today. I also told her about the syncope episode I had the other day. I know it’s probably due to me not eating regularly. I mentioned that I haven’t been taking my meds either, consistently this week because I am too tired at night to count out 12 pills, that because of my father’s hospitalization, I couldn’t fill my pill box Sunday. I hope she doesn’t reprimand me. I am too depressed for it to go well.

I feel like I lost a week because I have been back and forth to the hospital and doing things for my father. It’s just been a long week. I haven’t done any writing and I am sad because of this.