Tag: disability

love don’t live here

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Love don’t live here

I was talking with a friend today via Messenger and she encouraged me to listen to Lady A as they are good! HA, they are more than good, they are awesome! They are my favorite group next to Rascal Flatts. There are others but I have bought more music from those guys than the others. This song was just playing random and it’s from their early albums.

I got word today that my aunt who had Alzheimer’s passed away. She would have been 90 tomorrow. She was a very sweet person, always having a smile on her face. She was very pretty. I am going to miss her.

I was hurting on and off today so I didn’t do much. I somehow managed a shower, which caused me a lot of pain afterwards. I never called the LGBT doc’s office or Dell to find out what the hell I have. Their manual for my laptop doesn’t match so I would like to know what is what. I am so regretting buying this thing. I should have just put the money toward repairs of my other laptop, which now I have to repair as I can’t stand this one! I don’t know how much it is going to cost me. I just hope it doesn’t cost more than $300.

Last night my friend posted that Starbucks has a new cherry mocha out. I went there yesterday but didn’t notice that they had a new drink. I plan on going tomorrow for a couple of hours to try and write. I had another “flashback”, for lack of a better word. I was trying to think of why the main character of the story was stuck in a fantasy world rather than the 24th century. I haven’t come up with an answer but am working on it. I am keeping a working outline of it on my phone. Helps to keep track of things.

I have felt so tired today. I tried having a cup of coffee but after the first sip, it just tasted bad. I made it on the Keurig as I didn’t feel like making it with my French press. I should have made a cup of tea. I wanted to read but it hasn’t happened, yet. I keep reading social media on my phone. Even with my laptop open, I am reading it. I started this blog an hour or so ago and I am still writing it. My concentration has been shit lately, only been able to catch small things. Anything longer and I lose interest. I don’t watch video longer than 2 or 3 minutes. A friend of mine from the UK sent me a giraffe GIF. It was so cute. The little giraffe was sticking its tongue out. I loved it. Going to take my night meds and call it a fucking day. I need to hit my pillow.

Shepard’s Pie and my downfall

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Shepard’s Pie and my downfall

I woke up early, around 0630. I was in pain so took my meds. It was too early to get to the butcher shop. I wanted to go before it started snowing. I played on my phone for a bit. Then decided to leave around 0720. I figure I would go to Starbucks and maybe write if I felt inclined. I brought my notebook with me. I had breakfast. I mobile ordered it because I didn’t bring my own mug. It was the first time I forgot. After I ate breakfast, I didn’t feel like writing as nothing was coming to me. It was after 8 so I went to the butcher’s shop. I had to laugh when I found a 2 pound ground beef package for $18. It was not labeled as ground beef though. The label said marinated steak tips. I found a package within my price range and then left to go to the grocery store across the street. My mother wanted eggs so I grabbed three dozen.

I came home and was hurting. I was also tired. I took a nap and had some wild dream. It was snowing when I woke up around 1. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted to make the cheddar biscuits but I was in too much pain. I decided I would just make the Shepard’s Pie. I was kind of disappointed but I didn’t want to push myself. I tried to nap again around 1400 and my foot went berserk. It was raining by this point. I closed the window. I really just wanted to make the pie and have this comfort food. It came out pretty good, though I forgot to put the beef gravy in before topping it with mashed potatoes. Oh well. It still came out good. My mother said it tasted blah and I should have put in onions. I don’t like onions. A friend saw the pic I posted of how it looked and said next time I should try it with creamed corn. I think I am going to. I haven’t had creamed corn in a very long time.

I came up to my room after cleaning up a little. My foot was hurting and I was sleepy again. I laid down and my ankle, foot, and shin muscles went berserk. I cried out in pain. I took the strong pain pill and was feeling really crappy. It was not a hard meal to prepare and make but CRPS doesn’t care. I was hurting too much to go downstairs to get a heat pack for my shin muscles. I have found that helpful to calm them down. I am still hurting but the pain meds are helping. In a little bit I will take my regular pain pills. I am just so done with this day. I took my night meds early because I just didn’t care. Voices have been bothering me most of the day and my psychiatrist doesn’t want to do anything about it. She asked if I wanted to come to the ER but that will just freak me out as there are always too many people and with my paranoia, it just isn’t good. I wouldn’t feel safe being surrounded by strangers. I see her next week and I will ask her to either increase the Invega or take the trilafon as a PRN. I am playing Mary Chapin Carpenter as her voice calms down my agitation. There is just something about her voice that I find so soothing. She is coming out with a new album the end of next month. I bought her single, Heroes and Heroines. It is a good song. She changed record labels again. I think she has had at least 4 different labels over the years that I have noticed. I don’t care as long as she has new music. She is a great writer. I know she hasn’t been nominated for awards or anything lately but I love her just the same.

Pain and feeling blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up nearly every hour from 330-630. I was in pain but I was too sleepy to turn over to take my meds. Then by the time 0630 hit, I was really hurting so I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I was feeling kind of blah and didn’t really want to do anything. It was cold out so I took my meds and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I got up around 1130. My ankle was throbbing. I knew I should have something to eat but I didn’t know what to make. An hour or so later, I decided to order something.

After I ate, I went back to my room and holy pain! My foot turned into a block of ice and was so painful. I was feeling really down. I wanted to call PT to let them know I was not going back but I wanted to nap. I laid down and within fifteen minutes, my damn ankle bone went berserk. I decided to take the strong pain pill as I didn’t know what else to do and I couldn’t take my regular med for a few hours.

Today is the 17th anniversary of getting Cauda Equina Syndrome. I had lost feeling in my feet and had foot drop. My left leg was also numb. I was 25 and couldn’t walk or stand. It was a very difficult time. I had no idea if I would regain the use of my leg and it took months to walk unassisted. I was lucky that it was caught early and I did regain some mobility. I wasn’t 100% but that was okay. The shock of it is still with me to this day, made worse by being disabled by another condition that could have been because of the Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have no idea if it was or if I would have developed CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, anyway. I still feel sad that I am no longer able to walk far like I once did. Even walking a block or two is difficult some days.

Let the imagination run

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Let the imagination run

I had a great therapy session today. I told him about the appointment with the LGBT doc and how I liked him. I also told him about how I wasn’t sure if I have been putting too much pressure on myself by wanting to be the person I was before I was disabled. It just seems like I am unable to keep up with my appointments and just doing daily activities, such as making meals and stuff. My pain is so unpredictable but this weekend, my pain was manageable for some reason. I think the appointment stress of meeting with the LGBT doc and moving forward with my transition was weighing on me more than I realized.

We also talked about my writing difficulties. I told him about the story that has been in my head the last few months and the difficulty of writing it because of how I felt about it. I also voiced my trouble with setting time aside to write. Sure, I write my blog every day, but some days that is tough. I get distracted by my phone or the internet or social media. Some days I start a blog and lose my concentration because I don’t know what to write and nothing is coming to me. Then there are days where things flow and I can get it done within an hour or so. But I want to get this story out and it has been burning for far too long on the back burners. I want to write it out but I am scared that I am going to go nuts. We talked about it, having a back and forth conversation. It was such a relief to talk about my writing and how to go about it. I felt validated and supported in what I was doing.

So as I was leaving, I felt pretty good, like a weight has been lifted. I went to Walgreens to buy some new composition notebooks. I have two that I bought maybe a year ago but I wanted to get some more (I have a thing for these kinds of notebooks like I do pens). I was thinking about the session on the way home and how I was going to implement writing time. I honestly don’t have a clue. Getting the notebooks and putting them in my bag is a start. I felt like buying more pens but, I uh, have like 5 boxes of pens so fought off that impulse. I am kind of excited about this and hope that I can do it. I do better writing with pen and paper than I do trying to write on a laptop. Typing up what I write is challenging as sometimes I can’t read what I wrote or what I wrote didn’t make sense. He said to let my imagination run so I am going to give it a go and see where it gets me. No one has to see it. He’s not like my former therapist that wanted me to share everything with her. It is just for my benefit. And maybe the crazy flashbacks will stop once the stories are out. I sadly realized that it has been 30 years since all this was forming in my brain. I do have to watch one episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation, though I don’t know when I will do that. It’s kind of like the base of when the story started and it took off for ten years and then stopped abruptly because I got sick.

I came home. I must have taken about two or three steps after I stepped off the bus for my ankle to act up. I limped home and now my bones are aching. I am trying not to take the strong pain pill as I just took my regular pain med when I left my therapist’s office. I am so tired of being in pain just by walking. It is so frustrating.

A friend had emailed me about her frustration with the game last night. I shared in her grief. I wrote a response. I still am thinking about what to do with physical therapy. I see my PT Friday so I have a few days. My gut is telling me to stop and I think I am going to listen to it. I will tell my PT when I see her. I just don’t think continuing to go is going to benefit me and the stress of going is not helping me or my pain.