Tag: disability

astronomical pain and blacking out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

If my pain was bad when I woke up at 11, it is astronomical now. I am seeing stars. Honestly think I blacked out on the way home as I have no clue how I got there until my mother called while on the bus. Must have been on auto pilot when I left the stinking clinic. I know my ankle pain went nuts shortly after I left his office and it’s fuzzy from there. Thank God I wasn’t driving. I honestly don’t think I have ever been in this much pain before.

The psychologist said that he doesn’t believe that I misuse, abuse, or sell my drugs. And he was going to put that in his notes. I felt good about that. He wanted me to go to some functional program but I honestly don’t know what the benefit would be. He talked about getting around the work issues with the ADA, American Disability Act. I really don’t want to go back to my job as it was just too stressful. I don’t know what else I would do. He mentioned some vocational program and I was like whatever. I just want to go to Starbucks and write. He said there is no longer a doc that will prescribe opioids and that usually they discuss with me what they want and then go to my PCP for them to prescribe it. The good news is that I will see this doc Friday. I don’t know how long it will take to finagle getting my PCP to agree to it is another matter. The psychologist did want to taper me off my meds but yet he said I wasn’t on a high dose of meds. So that part was weird. Why taper me if I am not on a high dose to begin with?? I was frustrated with the appointment as nothing got done.

I am still hurting pretty bad. I just took my night meds so I am hoping to get to sleep early tonight. I wanted to sleep early last night but that never happened. I was up all night and only had about 5 hours of broken sleep. I am tired though so maybe I will sleep. I don’t know anymore. It all depends on what my ankle wants to do. I really want my pain to be controlled better than what it is now, not taken off what I am on. There was talk again of hyperalgesia. I honestly don’t think that is happening. I think they like to think that happens because they can’t explain how pain really goes on.

it’s 2 am…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am…

It’s not quite 3 am yet but I love this song. It’s by Jason Aldean and called Why.

I am having a rough time. Pain is bonkers. I’ve lost track how many times the pain has moved from my ankle to my foot and back. Then my ankle bone hurts only for it to travel to my foot bones. Now my foot is on fire so I think the pain meds have done their job. I just don’t want to chance it flaring up again by laying down.

I researched the psychologist I will be seeing in 13 hours. He mostly has focused on head, face, and neck pain. Not my kind. Also promotes CBT. He suggests that for me and I will kill myself. I don’t fucking care. I hate this therapy and think it is bogus. Not everyone responds to it and I know I won’t because I think it’s bullshit. There are some aspects of it that are worthwhile but like anything else, it takes time to practice and use it well. I really don’t want to wait another 18 weeks or more to see if this is “for me” and still have fucking flare ups without pain control in any other way.

I tried writing in my journal but the pen I decided to use was being difficult. Sometimes it wouldn’t write and I had to go over letters to make them visible. It was annoying me rather than helping me. I don’t know what I did with my left arm. It feels weak, like I lifted something heavy, which I didn’t. I haven’t carried anything so no idea what I did but it’s annoying me. It doesn’t hurt so that is good.

My migraine has gone. I hope it stays away. I am really tired and know I should try and sleep but my foot and ankle pain is just so intense. I can’t even give it a number because it just hurts. It is also indescribable. I hate that kind of pain. It’s so hard to know how to treat it. Do I treat it with this med or that med? I just don’t know so I take both and hope it works. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t want to be foggy later on. I think these late nights are causing me to be a night owl. I know that if I am not asleep by midnight, chances are it is a guessing game when I will be asleep. After 0200, and I am really up for the night. Just sucks because I have to leave the house by 1245 to make it to my appointment on time, which means I will have to eat something at Starbucks. I think I will get the cherry mocha again with 3 shots of espresso. That was yummy. I will try and remember to bring my reusable cup I bought the other day. They only have this drink until Wednesday. It’s too bad because it tastes so good! I love mocha anyway. It’s my favorite drink beside having the espresso alone with soy milk.

I am going to try this thing called sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s supposed to be good for you yet I never feel refreshed afterwards so don’t get the appeal. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Saturday blog 10 Feb 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I didn’t go to sleep till around 5 am. I was in pain all night. I was in severe pain when I woke up 5 hours later. I took some more meds as it was close to 12 hours since my last dose. I feel like shit. My mother made pork chops for dinner. I was glad as that meant I didn’t have to cook. I wanted bacon though so I heated it up. It was the pre-made kind.

I will be taking my night meds soon and going back to sleep. I am so tired. I have no energy to do anything. I might make a cup of orange spice tea. It is herbal and no caffeine. I finally remembered to buy it on my last grocery order. I started making another order the other night when I couldn’t sleep. Just my Powerade and ribs alone was $50. I go through like 20 bottles of Powerade a month. They are kind of expensive and not really on sale. Another grocery store has them for less but they don’t carry the flavor I like.

Tomorrow is the wake for my aunt. I plan on just wearing jeans and a dress shirt. I don’t have dress/casual pants that fit me. I hate being so heavy. I’ve been trying to watch what I eat but it is hard. I will be seeing family members I have not seen in a long time.

I sent my psychiatrist an email but I don’t think I made much sense. It was late and I don’t even remember what I wrote. She didn’t respond so I guess that is a good thing.

Pain is creeping up again. Hope it doesn’t keep me up another night. It will be the third night in a row. I am so tired of being in severe pain all the time. It really sucks.

chronic pain and quick to anger

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain and quick to anger

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep sometime after 0200 because of pain. My reminder med alarm went off around 0815 and I wanted to throw the phone across the fucking room. I was so sleepy to finagle the phone to shut off the noise. I took my pills then went back to sleep for a few hours. I woke up around noon in pain. I felt hung over, like I had been drinking hard all night. My head and neck were hurting because I was somehow trying to meld with my headboard. My head was under the pillow and my head was on the headboard. It was an odd angle that made my neck hurt. I have no idea what happened to the pillow I was using. When I got up to put my slippers on, I found it on the floor. I really didn’t want to leave the house but I wanted to try the new cherry mocha at Starbucks. They would only have it until Wednesday.

I didn’t feel like going back to sleep. My sister was getting a new furnace put in and the guy had my number in case he needed access to her apartment. I got dressed and before I left for the bus stop, talked with the plumber to see if he needed anything. He didn’t and he said he would need another day to finish the work. He said he would call my brother in law if he needed anything. I said ok and left. I was kind of grumpy because I didn’t leave the house yesterday just in case they needed something, I would be around. If I had known my brother in law had given them instructions, I could have gone out to start my story. Oh well.

It was fricken cold as the wind was blowing. I had to put on my hood to block the wind. The bus came and I got to Starbucks. I had a sandwich and the cherry mocha in a reusable container. The drink was fricken expensive but it was for a limited time so I didn’t fuss about it. It was really good so worth it. It tasted like drinking a cherry chocolate bar. After I finished my sandwich, I wanted a cookie and got that. Then I started writing in my journal. I had taken out the notebook as well to start my story. I noticed it was only 80 pages. I don’t know if it was because of the pain and not sleeping, but I became really angry that I paid 2 bucks for less than 100 pages when I had bought a few months ago for $1.89 120 pages for the same kind of notebook! I was fuming! I know now it seemed trivial but for some reason, I just felt ripped off. I couldn’t write anymore so decided to go home. I went to CVS to see what they were charging and for how many pages. It was $3.19 for 100 pages. That is a rip off! I bought some pens that caught my eye when I bought the 80 count notebook. Bic has these pens called Atlantis that are pretty smooth to write with. I was hoping to possibly write when I got home but it didn’t happen. I was exhausted. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Just moving my arms felt so heavy.

I got out my laptop and went to the email for the number for Dell. I wanted to know what the hell parts were on my laptop so I knew what they were. I was told in the email to contact the customer service department. I talked to them. Then they said I needed technical sales. I was transferred to them. I explained again what I was looking for and was transferred back to customer service. I told them the story only for them to tell me I needed technical support. I said wait a fucking minute. I was told that when I first called and then have been transferred back and forth and now you need to transfer me again? He said he didn’t know anything about parts and had to transfer me. I said okay as my temper flared again. I got transferred, spoke the the girl for not even 10 seconds when the line was cut! WTF!!! I was fuming. I sent a message on twitter to Dell as sometimes you get better service through twitter than you do on the damn fucking phone. Haven’t heard from them but one asshole tweety buddy told me one word, MAC. FUCK YOU I wanted to respond!! I didn’t. I fucking hate when you have a PC problem they tell you to go to Apple and vice versa. UGH Not fucking helpful!! Though I do have a few Apple people who has had their hard drives crash on them so they are not 100% reliable either or have been stuck in the store or on the phone for hours. I still don’t know what the hell parts I have or if I can upgrade. In the meantime, I am just going with it. As long as my Microsoft Office Word works and I can upload my blog, that is all I will use this lemon for until I can get my other laptop fixed. It takes too much memory just to use Facebook so I go on my phone most of the time. Twitter isn’t so bad though if there is a cute kitten or pup pic, I will go on my phone to save it. I have been collecting cute pics for a while now to look at when I am in a grumpy mood and need something cute to cheer me up.

My kitchen tracking lights needed to be replaced so I ordered new bulbs. I got them today and they are the wrong size. My sister said she “told me” they were the wrong size. I am like how the fuck can you know by looking at a website that it is the wrong size??? Then she was looking at the bulb I took out from the socket and she was like see, it says blah blah blah. I am like see the box says blah blah blah. My anger rose again. Now I got to go to the fucking store and change them. I hate returning shit. I would have gone today but my sister was going out to eat so maybe she can take me tomorrow. I got such a headache and my ankle is being a fucking asshole. I better fucking sleep tonight and my head better not try to be one with the headboard again. I am too fucking tired to stay up all night again.