Tag: disability

Frosty Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Frosty day

It was 1 degree when I woke up at 0500. It warmed up to about 4 around 1100 when I decided to go out and brave the cold. I didn’t want to but I had to pick up my scripts at my doctor’s office. I left the house too soon so I waited for almost 30 minutes for the bus. I was practically an ice cube. I got to Starbucks and ordered my drink wrong. I normally say 2 pumps of whatever syrup but I forgot to. I did remember to make a soy latte as the milk would have wrecked my bowels. I don’t know why their milk goes through me, but it does. Maybe because it is 2%, I don’t know. I had a turkey sandwich and then wrote in my journal. I left around 1400.

It didn’t take me long to get back to the Square after I left my doc’s office. I missed the bus by eight minutes, so I took another bus down the street and waited another 20 minutes for the bus home. The bench was cold as ice so sitting wasn’t an option. My ankle was not appreciative and for some reason my right calf was upset. It kept hurting like it was going to cramp or something. I tried stretching it but it didn’t work. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my mood stabilizer and a couple of things for my mother. She had called me to grab one more thing but after waiting in line at the pharmacy, I forgot about it. I will try to remember when I go Tuesday.

I came out to thaw out. My thighs were frozen. It was mixed temps in my room. The window was blowing cold air and the radiator hot air so it took a while for me to warm up. I had no idea what I wanted for supper. My mother asked what I wanted and I told her I was going to make a cold cut sandwich. It didn’t appeal to her. I think she reheated some soup, which reminds me I can have clam chowder tomorrow. I forgot I have a can from when I shopped a couple of months ago.

I finished my friend’s book this morning. It was a good book. He was a very descriptive person. I liked the book. Now I think I will read Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I hope it is good. His books are a mix. You never know what you are going to get. I wish I had known one of his series of books were of the comic strip variety. I think they renamed them graphic novels. I don’t like them as I bought it on the Kindle and it is hard to read. I’ve never been into comic books. So I have a $20 set for nothing. Oh well. I really need to get my eyes examined. Even with my glasses I am having a hard time reading things. The print is too small or blurry. I’ve had to make some adjustments to my laptop as the print was microscopic. My right eye is bad as that is the one I am having trouble with, which tires out my left for compensating. I can’t remember when I last went to my eye doctor. They have some funny eye exam rules. One insurance says I can have an annual visit every 18 months and the other is every 2 years. I don’t know where I fall as I switched off. I guess I will call in the New year. I need to make sure my eye doc is still there. I had sent him a question via email and he said he was out of the country. I don’t know if that was a vacation trip or what. I really would hate to see someone else as I have been going to him since I was 19 or so. He is a very thorough doctor.

My ankle is really hurting. I hope I can sleep tonight. I know I had to walk around a lot today. I just hope it settles down some by the time I am ready for bed.

chronic pain is making me hopeless again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Last night, my pain was high. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. While I was waiting to succumb to sleep, my emotions were dark. I was hopeless and suicidal. I knew there was a chance I would be the same in the morning, however unlikely. I was and it sucked. I was in an irritable mood when my med alarm went off. I didn’t want to wake up. I did a somewhat morning routine, taking my meds, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Then I logged on the laptop and got Office 2016. Fricken annoyed me because it didn’t install the way it “said” it would. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to install it and where to find the file I saved. Then it took another half hour to install. I just played on my phone.

When it was all said and done, I wanted to go to the Square for a haircut and espresso. I got to the square and check the barber shop to see if it was open and it wasn’t. I was sad. I’ll have to get a haircut later this week. It is going to be wicked cold the rest of the week.

I was at Starbucks and I just sat there, having my breakfast, drinking my espresso, and then writing in my journal. I wanted to go home but I missed the bus. Then my cousin called and he said he would take me to the grocery store. I said okay but I am in the Square. He said he would pick me up. I waited an hour for him. He looked at every woman on the streets, saying she is cute. Isn’t she cute. All the while, I am like, keep your fricken eyes on the road!! We get to the parking lot and he sees another woman pushing her carriage to her car. He pulls up near her. Unreal. We went our separate ways in the store. I got my things and we both finished at the same time. He took me home and I put things away.

I went up to my room and within 20 minutes of resting on my bed, I was flared to the point of crying. I was hopeless again. The pain got worse as I tried to get comfortable while the pain meds kicked in. Then I started to feel nervous, like my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attack. I seriously was wondering why the hell I was living in this nightmare of pain every single fucking day. A friend called me and we talked for a bit. He said he might be by later tonight to share a beer. I said okay. He went into a new grocery store in our area and their beer selection was superb. I asked him if they had a certain beer I was looking for the year called Xocovenza, or something like that. It is a Mexican hot chocolate stout made by Stone Brewing. I’ve been wanting to try it. The grocery store had it. WHOOHOO! I thought it was just 1 bottle as stouts are usually like that and go for anywhere from $10-$15 a pop. He said this was like $17. I offered to give him money and he said no, it was on him. I said okay.

I felt a little better by the time I got off the phone with my friend. The meds kicked in and I was more relaxed and my pain lower. My aunt and cousin came over and so I went downstairs to see them. We talked and my aunt complained about my mother’s coffee. I made her my coffee. It was better. I stayed chatting with them until they left. I retreating to my room when my friend called saying he was here. That was fast. We spent a good couple of hours talking about all sorts of things over stouts and burgers. He said that he saw my posts about my pain and he felt bad that he couldn’t make me better. I have known him a long time and he would give the shirt off his back if he could. He is a really good friend of mine. He has always thought of me as a male friend, even before I came out as transgender. I love him and we are close. I told him that the if I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I might end up ending my life. He doesn’t want me to but understands where I am coming from.

I took my night and pain meds late because I was talking with my friend. I hope that I can sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. I didn’t have too much beer. I drank like a quarter of a bottle and then gave the rest to my friend. It was good stuff. I really like it, but not hot. It was a 6 pack, which I was surprised. I put two bottles in the fridge and then gave the rest back to my friend. He liked it as well. I would never drink all of them as I can’t really drink on the meds I take. I will have them on New year’s eve.

Christmas Eve 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Eve 2017

I didn’t sleep well so woke up around 1330 to take meds. I stayed in bed for another 45 minutes. The new body pillow my sister got me is not as great as I thought it would be. Half of it was on the floor when I woke up and it was hard moving about in bed because it is so large. I’m trying to make do with it, though. My regular pillow that likes to sneak to the nightstand, nearly knocked things off. UGH. I placed in my “office” side of the bed.

I decided to shower before my foot and/or ankle hurt too bad. I had a bowl of cereal first as I was hungry and then took a shower. My foot hurt afterwards but it wasn’t bad. My mother had started frying fish when I was in the shower. I am glad I closed my bedroom door to block some of the smell. I am glad I took a shower. I then went on twitter and facebook. I browsed for a while until I felt like it was time for “lunch”. I made a turkey wrap with cranberry sauce. It was good. I wasn’t going to have the fish because it is not the kind I like. My mother was supposed to go to her sister’s for Christmas Eve but after frying, she hurt too much. I knew it was going to happen. Her back hurt her when she got up this morning. She had a hard time getting out of bed. I had gone to the bathroom and when I came back up to my room, she was just sitting on the edge of her bed. I asked if she was okay and she obviously lied and said yes.

I’m not planning on doing anything the rest of the evening except possibly watch MASH. I could use the comedy. The first 3 seasons are the funniest ones with Burns. When he left, the show kind of got more serious. I just found the DVD collection that I bought a few years ago. It some how went behind some stuff and remained hidden. I am glad I found it when looking for something else. I belong to a MASH Facebook group and whenever they post a quote or a scene, I want to watch the show all the more. I used to watch it all the time when I had my TiVo as I would record it. But I haven’t watched since I no longer watch TV since it died. Now it is just DVDs I watch.

Pats won today. The game was neck and neck, going back and forth but Brady pulled it out in the end. I really hope we make it to the playoffs. I really haven’t watched football games all season, except college football. OSU is playing in the Cotton Bowl Friday. I don’t know what channel it is on but it’s a late game. I probably will be watching it and then be up all night.

birthday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Birthday 2017

My mother made pizza for dinner. My immediate family came over for my birthday. It was nice, even if my youngest sister was being a goof the whole time. She gave me the body pillow I wanted though it is not as supportive as I thought it would be. My 2nd youngest niece painted a Winnie the Pooh bear. It was cute.

I tried making the cheesecake cookies today but the cookies didn’t come out the way they were supposed to. They are still edible and I supposed I could use the cream cheese filling as a dip of some sort for them. I was disappointed. My mother said I didn’t cook them long enough. I don’t know. They seemed okay to me.

I had some pain throughout the day. After I made the cookies, I took off my boot to relax and the pain got so bad, I cried again. I couldn’t help it. I had been walking around the kitchen doing stuff and guess it was too much for my ankle. I am hurting now as I am writing this. There just doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for the pain. I don’t do anything, I hurt. I do something, I hurt. I hate this condition so much.