Tag: FTM

Really steamed 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS

I posted on Twitter that my mother was mad at me for not helping with the dishes or laundry today. Sorry, I didn’t sleep all night and I was in a lot of pain. I was used to her calling me useless. But what got me distressed was her calling me “daughter”. Someone I don’t know responded saying she was a mother and it wouldn’t hurt for me to help her. WTF. I responded that I was upset because I was a transgendered male and my mother knows this. Plus I have debilitating pain so stop judging me, asshole. I blocked her after I sent the message as she followed me. Loser. 

I hate it when someone I don’t know responds to my tweets. I have no idea how Twitter works and how people who don’t follow you, sees your tweets. What a jerk. I am so mad.

I keep thinking I have nothing to do on Monday but I have therapy.  I might cancel as Tuesday is going to be a long day. I still got to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my meds. I don’t think I can fill them but I’m going to try. 

I took my night meds early and I’m still awake. My damn foot is hurting so bad. Maybe I will see my doc. I’ll call on Monday for an appt. Maybe something more than CRPS is going on. Not sure what as I haven’t done anything to injure my foot. I need to email the Neuro and find out what he plans on doing, if anything. I am going to ask him about ketamine infusions. That might help me. Might help the depression more. 

My psych responded to the email I sent her. She said maybe my mother and I can support each other. I don’t know how. I did help her up the stairs to her room. The couch didn’t help her back last night. My sisters were talking about putting a bed downstairs for her, especially if she gets her other knee replaced in Jan. I am kind of nervous about it as it will be done at a small hospital. I just worry that between her heart and diabetes, there might be unforeseen complications and the hosp might not be able to deal with it.

I am glad I have this blog to vent my worries and frustrations. Writing really helps.

got things done despite horrible pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got things done despite horrible pain

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning when my alarm went off. But my bladder said I had to so I did. My foot hated me when I stood up. It got worse as I walked to the stairs and was murder going down the stairs. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I was feeling nauseous and fought the gags. I really thought I was going to hurl. I made it back up to my room and took my meds. I wanted to go back to bed but needed to get my haircut and go to the RMV for name and gender change. I got dressed and left.

It was raining but warm, which meant I had to stand while I waited for the bus. My foot despised me. I made it to the square and I was still nauseous so I only ordered 4 shots of espresso and a bagel, hoping the bagel would settle my stomach. It did. While on the bus, I ordered my laptop. I had to pay $20 in tax, which I was not happy about but who is? After I finished my bagel, I went to the barber shop. To my surprise, there were already people waiting. Shit. I was able to get my barber and we got caught up and made chit chat. He did a good job, as always.

I decided to take the train to the RMV rather than take the bus because I didn’t want to be soaked by the time I got there. I was kind of irritable and tired. I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I also didn’t wait too long for to be called when I got to the RMV. The lady changed everything and I got a new picture and signature. The picture is awful as there were dark rings under my eyes that looked like I had blackeyes. I then went home.

My foot was really hurting but I was hungry so I ordered a turkey BLT as a celebratory meal. It was very good. My mother was baking and using every available counter and table space available to her. I just went up to my room after I ate in my sister’s apartment. I took some more pain meds and tried to sleep but the pain was too great. It got worse as time went on. It has now reached beyond excruciating. I took another pain med.

If it wasn’t raining, I think I would try to end my life. I am just so sick of being in pain. I am so depressed and hopeless that things are always going to be like this. I hate not being able to get ahead of the pain or rest. I am so fricken tired and tomorrow I need to be around family. I am glad I don’t have to leave the house. I can just go downstairs when everything is ready to eat.

For the past hour, it seems like every 15 minutes I am getting a text from the T saying there is a delay, either with a bus I take or the red line. I blocked it. I am not going anywhere the next few days so I really don’t care if there are delays. I just hope I remember to turn it back on on Monday. I should have grabbed my night meds and put them by the bed so I wouldn’t have to get up again. Idiot I am.

Now that I got the RMV out of the way, I just need to update one credit card, my cell phone, Zipcar, and passport. Zipcar sent me a reminder that my license is due to expire in a month. No shit. Soon as I get my new license in the mail, I will update that. I am glad my list is not so overwhelming as it was.

To my US readers, I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for your readership. Don’t eat too much turkey! Gobble, Gobble!

Sunday Blog 19 Nov 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 19 November 2017

I just made a cup of tea. I pretty much slept all day as I didn’t get to bed until around 3 am. Pain was keeping me up. I couldn’t believe I went about 12 hours without pain meds and didn’t wake up to withdrawals. I took them when I did wake up as well as the weight loss supplement. I am not noticing any side effects from it.

A fellow blogger friend shared a Chicken Caesar Salad wrap so I will be buying the lettuce and chicken to make it. I love chicken Caesar salad. I just added them to my grocery list, that seems to be growing. Every time I get a craving for something, I add it. I usually take it off after a few days or when I am ready to check out as I like to stay within a certain amount for the month. Doesn’t always work but I try.

I made plans to see my friends in south of Boston after Christmas. I will be making a marinara sauce. I will just buy the meatballs either before I leave Boston or when I get to their house. They have a grocery store around the corner from them. I am so excited to cook for them. I am bringing what I need and they will supply the cooking stuff like pots and what not. It will take a few hours to cook so we will watch movies and stuff. It should be an awesome day.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I have my psychiatrist appt in the morning and then my therapist in the evening. It is going to be a busy week as it’s Turkey day this Thursday. I need to make 2 cakes Tuesday, one with regular flour and one gluten free. I plan on making the gluten free one first so I don’t have to wash out the bowl. I hope my sister’s mother in law likes this cake. I will be baking it in a throw away container so she can take it home.

Wed I go to the RMV to change my name and gender. I can’t believe they charge you to change your gender. Like seriously? It really costs $25 to go from F to M?? Just 2 key strokes on the computer? I don’t know if they allow debit cards or not (some places only allow checks) so I am bringing a check with me just in case. My psych will be signing the form tomorrow when I see her. I also have to renew my license as it expires next month.

As money is tight right now with all this name changing business, I can’t save any money for a new laptop. I just have my old laptop to use as my newer one needs to be fixed. I might buy the connection wire and bring the laptop with me when I go see my friends as my friend’s hubby is good with computers. If that doesn’t solve the problem, then I will definitely need a new laptop which will be around $600 with what I want on it. I probably won’t be able to buy a new one until after the new year. The good news is that my mother had a ceiling fan that is new and never used. She wanted to use it for my office but the ceiling is too low. My room is low and just barely clears my outstretched arms. It makes it easy for me to clean as I don’t need a stool. I just stand on my tippy toes, lol. I wish it had a remote for the light and fan like my sister has but those cost over $100. I’ll take free as now I don’t have to stress so much about money this month.

four hour test and a flare up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Four hour test and a flare up

I didn’t sleep very well last night. My alarm went off after I finally settled down. Think I might have gotten an hour and half. I took a shower and then it was time to get ready to catch the bus that never came. I had to take a different bus that went farther than the Square. Once I got off that bus, I ordered my Starbucks as I waited for another bus to take me to the Square. I quickly had my breakfast and took the espresso with me as I was now running late. I hoped there was no delays on the train and there wasn’t. I made it with 10 minutes to spare.

The first part of the scan was to inject me with the radioactive stuff and then take like 4 minutes of scans. Then I had to wait 2 hours to finish the rest of it. I was hurting for the positioning of my foot but it wasn’t too bad. I went to the café and met up with a friend of mine. We talked until he had to leave. I also went to see my former coworkers in the lab. There were only a few people I recognized and talked to. Everyone else was new.

While in the café, I got a cup of tea and then wrote in my journal. I was so tired and wanted to sleep but I just couldn’t nap. I went back to radiology a few minutes before I was supposed to and waited in the waiting room. They called me back and we went to a different room. It was cold and my foot immediately didn’t like it. It was the same positions as before but for about 10 minutes or so per scan. One of the scans, the tech put a rubber band on my feet. It irritated my foot. By the time we were done, I was flared up. I wish I could have had a ride home. The tech said results would be available this afternoon but I haven’t received notification of them yet.

I slowly walked to the train station. By the time I got there, my ankle was really hurting and my foot felt like ice. I took a strong pain pill that I had with me. The train was there when I got to the platform but it was delayed. We sat for a bit. I didn’t care as long as I didn’t miss the bus home, which would come in about 40 minutes, or so I thought. As I reached the Square, I got a text saying the bus was having moderate delays. Great. By this time, my foot bones were killing me and I just wanted to crash. Finally the bus came. I went to Walgreens to buy something for my mother and then came home. My ankle bone hurt. I was in so much damn pain I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. I was hungry but all that I wanted was my mother’s brownies.

I had two brownies and then went upstairs to change into my PJs and thermal socks. While taking off the sock on my bad foot, it flared up more. I was in pure agony. Half my ankle and foot were in 12/10 pain. I took my regular pain meds. Then after a couple hours, I took another strong pain pill and Ativan as I was getting anxious from the pain. I still haven’t heard anything about my scan. It could take up to 24 hours for radiology results to be put online. I care but don’t at this point as I just want to see my pillow.

The insurance card I was waiting for came in the mail today so I can change my name at the hospital I have my care. YAHOO! I’ll go to registration tomorrow after my psych appt, I might go before hand depending on what time they open. I just checked my prescription card and the updated name has happened. YAY! Progress. Now I just need to update it at the pharmacy. I hope I don’t need all new prescriptions in my new name. That will suck. Only thing I need next week will be my Ativan, and by then, my license will be changed to my new name. It won’t be a laminated card as I will have a temporary one. I just hope the gender marker doesn’t cause a hubbub. I really don’t want hassles.

OK, Pain is at a new level. Didn’t think that would be possible. I need to lie down. Until tomorrow!