Tag: grief

Struggles in Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. It went on time until 10 minutes in my bowels decided to try and explode. I had to tell her that I would call her back in a few minutes. Lousy timing. The joys of CES. I did what I had to do and then called her back. I apologized. We talked about various things. She wanted to know if I was suicidal and I had to ask myself, was she not listening to me yesterday when I told her? She said she knew I was because of the pain, but wanted to know if I was otherwise? Being suicidal is being suicidal. No matter what the cause is, if you feel like taking your life, you are thinking about it. I just let it go because I didn’t want to deal with her stupidity today. I already dealt with one idiot doctor this weekend, I wasn’t going to deal with another.

I asked her to leave me alone and she started laughing. I should have hung up on her. I really wanted to but she would call back. I don’t know what was annoying me. Maybe the whole almost crapping my pants thing got to me and then finding out I had discharge. I really was like WTF. I just stopped the pill earlier this month so I should NOT be having any type of bleeding. That, with the stupid dream I had about her, just really fucked with my brain. I dreamt that we were in session and we were talking about breasts. I have no idea how the subject came up. I really hate mine and really want them chopped off. But then, I am a male so I shouldn’t have them to begin with. In the dream, I had to go pee really bad. I couldn’t wait for the session to end so I could go. Funny how the dream came true, partly.

My therapist likes to play mother hen sometimes. She gets on my nerves when she does this because I am not used to people caring about me. She was freaking out about the trilafon supply that I have. I have 5 pills left or so and I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I think that is plenty as I don’t take it that often. I have been taking it every few days. And I don’t take more than one pill per day. She also worried that I would run out of my strong pain pills. That I might call in for a prescription because I am almost out and I am in the midst of a flare up. I thought I had more than I did but I don’t. She was really freaking out on me and I was like WTF. I think she had too much coffee today or something. I really am thinking she has an anxiety disorder of some kind. I wish I could know some of her patients because it would be interesting to see if she act that way with other patients or just me.

I know the voices are getting out of control. I didn’t tell her this because she was already out in left field and nervous. Besides, they were listening in on our conversation so it wasn’t like I could talk. She asked if I was paranoid and I told her I haven’t been around people too much. I went out today and was a little nervous. I think that was only because the bus driver was a little heavy on the gas with a wheelchair passenger. I get nervous that they are going to go flying with a sudden stop. I listened to my music the whole time I was out. Starbucks had these French cookies that were out of this world. It was a type of shortbread with dark chocolate in the center. HEAVEN! I hope they don’t run out. If I go out tomorrow, I will get them again.

Other than having therapy tomorrow, I am not planning on going out. I didn’t get my hamburger that I wanted to get. I might try for Thursday. I hope the avocados don’t go bad. They are in a sealed plastic container so I think they should stay good.

I got T/Gel shampoo for my stupid itchy scalp. I have tried the other shampoos and nothing is helping. And I don’t have that much hair so I know it’s not because of dirty hair. I am going to take a shower tonight if I can bear it. My ankle didn’t like going out today. I had to break out the cane half way through my trip. I am glad I had it because it really was painful. As I was walking home, I saw fire trucks and an ambulance. I was fearful that they were for my mother. But there was a 3 car accident on my street. One car was pretty banged up and was leaking stuff. I hope the drivers and passengers are okay.

Some Thoughts on a Saturday Evening

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Some thoughts on a Saturday evening

I recently found out that a friend of mine on Twitter lost someone by suicide. She had interviewed this person two years ago for her photo thing called “Live Through This” (www.livethroughthis.org). I was sad to hear this because I thought people who were interviewed were somehow free of suicidal thoughts, that they had their life together after their attempt. I never was interviewed because I don’t want the exposure and I didn’t think I had anything positive to contribute because my moods were so bleak. I also was actively suicidal at times. I still think one day I will die by my own hand, that is if some alien parasite doesn’t take it first.

I have been reading over my blogs from 2-3 years ago. The blogs were all about the severe pain I was in with my ankle/foot and how suicidal it was making me. I also wasn’t getting any support from my PCP. He just wanted to “fix” me but really couldn’t. He also was very discriminating towards me because of my weight. There were blogs on the visits where he just wanted me to be more active. How was I going to be more active if I couldn’t walk without severe pain? Even on the last visit he wanted me to go to some program to learn to live with the pain and gain function. I know he doesn’t want me on my pain medication but I really don’t have a choice. It’s either be on this medication or end my life. That is how I see it.

This evening, I have been thinking about suicide. My foot has been aggravating me all day. It didn’t help that I kept on going up and down the stairs or that I fixed my lunch or put away all my groceries. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore. And I am tired of being in this depression that has been going on for months. Despite me being on medication for it, I don’t feel relief. It could be that the grief of my father has clouded my thinking. I just know that I can’t go on living like this. I have the means to end my life. I just don’t know if it will be enough. I don’t want to attempt and fail. That to me will be worse than dying.

I have been trying not to think about this plan that I cooked up months ago. I just am so sad. I have been reading today to distract myself. I was reading “Common Struggle” by PJ Kennedy. He was talking about his addiction to alcohol and pain meds. He was hooked on oxycontin. I was on that drug many years ago. It worked for me but then it made me kind of manic. I was glad to get off it. I am glad I am no longer taking it. It just did a number on me psychologically. My current pain meds don’t affect me that way. They help the pain and make me sleepy at times, but not all the time. If I am already exhausted, sure, I will get sleepy. But if I am already catching my second wind, they will not knock me out. I don’t know why sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s just weird. And it’s the same dose that I take so I really can’t understand it. But getting back to Kennedy, he made me appreciate that I do not have an addiction problem when I could very easily. Addiction runs in my family, but mostly for the illicit kind like cocaine and heroin. I have had one cousin die from a speedball (combo of coke and heroin). They ruled it an accidental death but I learned that a week before he died he was giving away possessions so I think it was more of a suicide.

I often wonder what it would be like to be dead. I just don’t want to be anymore. I am tired of living. In Kennedy’s book, he said that he didn’t have suicidal tendencies because if he did, he would probably be dead. Given the amount of alcohol he consumed and the pain meds, I would say he wouldn’t survive an attempt. I wonder why I am still alive. I know it has been a long while since I last attempted. But even though I have meticulously planned out a suicide plan, I have never gone through with it. My therapist or psychiatrist always seem to pull me away from going ahead with the plan, either with increased sessions or with them telling me how devastated they would be with my loss. I don’t get what they see in me.

I always feel they will be better off without me. They can’t stop me. No one can really. Sure they can hospitalize me but there is always discharge a few days later. And I know the system to get out and in. They know I know this. It’s just a matter of time before I act on my feelings. It may not be today or tomorrow but it will be soon.

Saturday Blog 54

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My groceries came a little after the Wales/Northern Ireland game started. I normally don’t watch football as the Europeans call it, but no other sport was on worth watching. I put the ribs on to cook while I put the groceries away. My back almost went out a couple of times because I was standing and walking around the house, putting the various things away. My cheesecake and pumpkin pies came. After everything was away, I had a slice of pumpkin. I wanted to savor the cheesecake after I had the ribs and cole slaw. While watching the game, I saw the horrific goal made by Northern Ireland in their own post! I couldn’t believe it and of course they had to show it a million times at different angles. I feel so bad for NI because they probably would have won in OT or a shootout.

Now that I have had something to eat, I can rest. I don’t plan on going out because it’s hot out. Just cooking in the kitchen made me sweat. I can only wonder how much more I will if I start walking to the bus stop and head to the meat market to get the hamburgers. Looks like that won’t be until Monday. The grocery store substituted another brand of hamburger rolls, which works out good because the rolls are bigger. I got my avocados ready for that burger.

Tomorrow I am invited to my cousin’s for his son’s birthday. I am not going to go, even though they have a pool. It’s going to be really hot tomorrow and I can’t stand being in the sun, let alone being in a pool in the sun. I will stay in my AC’d room and eat the lovely food I bought.

I have been in a sad mood most of the day. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my father’s passing. I still haven’t cried for him. I do miss him. It is very weird not having him around. I don’t know if you get used to it. I do miss his sister, who we still have not seen because her illness has prevented us from seeing her. She gets confused very easily now these days and I am thinking the Parkinson’s is getting worse as time goes on. She will be 93 in November.

Last night, I decided to sign up for yet another email address. This one is on my contact page for those that want to contact me there. It’s Collerone at yahoo dot com. I miss having a yahoo account. I used to have one that I used regularly but it’s been compromised so many times that I had to deactivate it. Plus, I kept forgetting the password so good riddance. I thought of getting a gmail but I don’t really like it. I have to have one for my phone but that is all I use it for. Every so often I will check the mail and it’s mostly MLB stuff or LinkedIn, neither of which are important to me.

I really wasn’t expecting to get wiped out putting the groceries away. I could take a nap right now. I had really wanted to go out but now it doesn’t look to be the case. I still need to take a shower. My luck I will take one and then need another one because it’s so damn hot. Maybe I will take one before bedtime so it will relax me. I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I was fighting taking a nap around 1730/1800. Then around 1930, I got my second wind. I was up most of the night. I think I didn’t fall asleep till after or around midnight. I slept till 0930, which was good. I think having all those ribs made me sleepy. I ate like half a rack. They were so good! I now know to get baby back ribs rather than the St. Louis style. I like them better.

Last night I read some of Harry Potter and some of Dostoevsky. I would have read some of Common Struggle but I didn’t feel like it. I will read some of it today. I really need to get into a reading groove of some sort. Baseball isn’t on until around 2130, which is close to my projected bedtime. Sucks they are in Texas. They had a HUGE comeback win last night. I am so proud of them.

Extra therapy Session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Extra therapy session

My therapist was able to fit me into her schedule tonight. I felt kind of racy as I was describing how the voices were controlling and demanding. I also described how last night things were terrible that I had to use the crisis text line. They were of some help. I think a trilafon would have been more useful but I didn’t want to take it. I don’t want to lose the trust of the voices. It would be really bad.

She said she got the discharge summary from the hospital. A month after my discharge. They only significant thing was that they couldn’t diagnose my condition, HA HA. Other than that, they just went with previous diagnosis. I was only there for a few days, not much time to diagnose me anyways. I just remember feeling really sad and disconnected. It was just a couple weeks after my father’s death. I have no idea what my doc had said that caused me to be in the hospital as I didn’t overtly say I was suicidal or anything that would jeopardize my safety. I wasn’t even sectioned even after the evaluation by the psych NP. I did go over, however briefly, my past history. And even when I was at the hospital, I was mainstreamed to the unit after a brief evaluation. So who knows what the right and left hands were doing.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow so I will ask to see the discharge summary. It would be interesting to see what they wrote. I was kind of excited to talk with my therapist tonight. We spent most of the time talking about the voices. She is getting a little worried with them being controlling and demanding. But then I am used to it. It is all my normal. What isn’t my normal is for them to be mean and telling me stuff like killing myself or self-harm. They are getting louder and more insistent that I talk with them and making me do stuff. Like they want me to read on my kindle. Or write a blog. I don’t mind the reading but writing a blog takes some effort because they cloud my thinking. So I don’t like to do it. Plus, I don’t want more than 2-3 blogs a day. I think I will lose readership if I blog more than that.

I had a huge dinner and it’s making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I think it’s withdrawal from the abilify more than the rice and chicken stir fry I had. It will be almost a week that I stopped taking the poison. My sleep has been affected as well, which could be affecting my mood, making me racy and hyper. The joys of being bipolar.

Throughout all the psychosis, my pain levels have been minimal. I seem to only need two pills a day to control my pain. The voices want me to take more but I won’t. I just take what I need. I have told my therapist how they try to be tricky but I am wise to them. Last night, after I took my night meds, they wanted me to finish taking the rest of the week’s meds that I had doled out. I told them I couldn’t take a week’s worth of pills. They were being really stubborn. I hope they aren’t that way tonight. Otherwise, I will take some trilafon to calm their ass down. I know my limits.

I am listening to a song on repeat right now as I am writing this blog. It’s by Old Dominion and the song is called “snapback”. I have decided I am going to listen to it until I know it word for word. I should get there another ten times, or so.

Sox are playing the Sox (Chicago white sox). They are losing and it seems their pitcher is not allowing any hits. Fucker. I hate when we can’t get any hits. This was in the 5th inning so it might have changed by now.

I tried a fax app today to send my PT prescription to the place I wanted. I accidently sent it twice because I didn’t think it went through the first time. I haven’t received any phone calls so I hope it went through ok. If I don’t get a call tomorrow, I will make a copy of it and just send it in via mail. I am in no rush to start PT. I am kind of scared because I don’t want to be in more pain than I already am in. I also worry about bearing weight on my bad ankle while doing exercises on the “good” one. I just hope I get a therapist that is willing to work with me because otherwise, forget it. I will go somewhere else.