Tag: grief

Decisions are hard when depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Decisions are hard when depressed

I am still struggling between the voices and the grief and the depression. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to have for lunch. I had just coffee for breakfast. I didn’t feel like eating so around lunchtime, I was hungry. I had to use a coin to decide whether to make hot dogs or a tuna sandwich. Tails won for the tuna. I was glad because making the tuna sandwich was easier than making the hot dogs. I always had my back up of eenie meenie minee mow to fall back on, but the coin was better.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do today. I know I don’t want to go out. I am just not up to dealing with the public transportation system to get to the Square nor dealing with people. I made the decision to go to a PT place down the street from me. However, I need to fax the prescription to SRH before they will call me to schedule an appointment. I wish I could just scan it and fax it but I am not that tech savvy to do things like that. Plus, I don’t have a scanner. I know one of my Twitter buddies can fax on his phone so I will look into apps that do that. Maybe I can take a picture of the script and then fax it that way. This will cut out a middle man of either giving the paper to my sister or going to UPS store.

My pens have made their way back to my town and are on the way to being delivered to me. I hope it’s today and not tomorrow. I also got confirmation that the stamps I ordered are on their way to me as well. I feel like today is Christmas. I can’t wait to stamp “Ex Libris” on my books. I also can’t wait to write with my new pen. It’s a Jetstream but a fine point and a clicker. I’m not that crazy about fine points but it looked cool so we’ll see. Sometimes I do like writing with fine point pens. All depends on my mood.

I was talking to someone on Twitter this morning who was saying something about suicide prevention. He went to my profile and saw my pinned tweet. He then retweeted it with a comment saying “suicide will pass”. I don’t know if he was saying this to me indirectly or to other Twitter people. Either way, it pissed me off because that isn’t the point of the quote that is pinned.

I guess I am kind of angry today for some reason. Little things have been pissing me off. I told my sister that my depression sucks and that I was “crazy”. She wants me to talk to my doctor. Thanks for being supportive. She doesn’t get it. I don’t know why I opened up to her. I guess if I land in the hospital again, she won’t be too surprised, which might happen if the damn psychosis gets worse. The voices have been twisting things and lately, while reading, things have been weird. Words will sort of fly around as I read them. It’s worse when I am on the Kindle. I have been really getting into one of the books I am reading. It’s called “creating an online presence”. It’s a good book and I can’t seem to put it down. It’s my new obsession. I thought I had lost the download because last night before bed, I couldn’t open it or find out how to open it. I must have spent a few minutes just repeatedly touching the document and it wouldn’t go to Kindle. And then I went to Kindle app but it wasn’t there. It was scaring me because I just finished reading it that morning. I did find it on one of the screen pages called “recent” on the Fire. So I guess that is where to go if I want to continue reading it. Very frustrating.

Last night, I had to use the Crisis text line. The voices were really bad and wanted me to not only take my meds, but the entire bottle of the various meds that I take. They were very insistent. I don’t know why they are worse during the night than the day. It’s like the static that I hear during the day turns into the voices that are speaking and they are telling me to do things. I wasn’t going to act on what they were saying but I just was annoyed and didn’t know what to do. It was late at night and I knew that if I paged my psych, she would tell me to go to the ER or take my PRN. I am getting dangerously close to losing control. So far, I am okay. I am not impulsive but I fear that if I get agitated because I am angry and annoyed, things might change.

Voices still reign

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Voices still reign

I slept for about three hours before I was up again around 0400. It took me forever to get back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know of my insomnia and asked if she was angry with me. I didn’t expect a response. The voices have been telling me everyone is against me and not to believe what anyone is saying. I haven’t taken any trilafon since Friday night for the paranoia. I still am feeling slightly paranoid, as I stated in my email and I am also fearful for no reason.

I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I knew it was going to be a rough day as I had so much difficulty sleeping. Around 1230, my psych responded, saying she was not angry with me and why did I think that. I started writing about the voices and then I started crying. I was relieved she wasn’t mad at me. I have been so confused that I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like I am being spied on all the time. The heat isn’t helping matters. I had to shut the AC off because my room got too cold and now after my afternoon nap, it’s hotter than hell again. I was having a weird dream where I turned on the AC and then fell back to sleep. I guess that was why I was confused when I woke up as to how the AC was off when I turned it on.

When I was up, I was watching the game as it just started. Jerry Remy was not in the booth so there was no point in watching TV. I hate Steve Lyons. He just makes dumb calls. I think he is a terrible analyst. O’Brien isn’t too bad. But I like him better on the radio than TV. We won 2-1. Price got the win, finally. It is fun to watch him pitch but I don’t like him as a person.

The voices have been telling me to read all day. So after I write this blog, I am going to do just that. I think I am going to read the “online presence” book. That is fairly easy to read and I am having fun with it. One of the tools it showed me was Google Analytics. Unfortunately, because my website is maintained by WordPress, it can’t show me data. I am bummed. It’s a free service but I can’t use it. WordPress does provide a nice job with Stats but there are search terms that are hidden and I really would like to know what they are. I sometimes use that information for a future blog write up.

My head is once again filled with static from the voices. I don’t know how I am going to read like they want me to. I have been sad all day as I have been thinking about my father. I don’t think I am going to contact the grief counselor, least not while I am psychotic. I really don’t want any other trust issues to happen while I am going through this phase of my illness. I know I have brought it on myself because I stopped my medication but I think things will even out as time goes on. Eventually, anyway.

Psychotic Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychotic depression

My pdoc said that grief can bring on many things. I guess I am at the phase where it’s bring on psychosis because I am vulnerable to it. For the past three days I have been experiencing increase in voices and paranoia as well as delusions. It was set off by the shooting in Orlando and then when my therapist didn’t agree with me, it intensified. I stopped taking my antipsychotic meds, though today I needed my PRN trilafon to get me through the paranoia. I can handle the voices. I just cannot stand the paranoia and agitation that goes with it.

I don’t know how long this will last. Usually, it will mean a psych hospitalization to get my symptoms under control again, which will mean going back on the med that I am not taking. I am being very risky. Voices can be very hard to control once they get out of control. I know this from past experience. But I don’t care this time. I don’t trust anyone. And after the mishap in the pharmacy, I am not really trusting my psychiatrist anymore. She wants me to follow up with her. I will in three weeks when I see her again.

I feel like I am being watched all the time. Strangers are the worse because I think they are following me or trying to listen in on the conversation I am having with the voices. I see my therapist on Tuesday in person. I also see her Wednesday in person. She doesn’t know this yet. I have arranged it because I miss her and I would like to see her like old times. Trouble is that she doesn’t like it when I am psychotic. I don’t think she gets it. My psychiatrist gets it more than my therapist does. I just know I don’t want to be on the meds anymore. I will take my other meds just not the abilify.

I really needed someone to talk to tonight. My cousin was supposed to call me but never did. I can’t count on him for nothing anymore. He doesn’t want to listen to me like he used to. I am very sad at this. The one person that understands is abandoning me. But it’s typical of my family. They say they will be there for you but when that time come to be there, they have other plans. It’s so rough. I know I have blogger friends I can talk to. But it’s not the same as family.

I feel so frustrated by today’s events. It shouldn’t have happened. The pharmacist should have filled my prescription and not try to play like they were doctors that knew better. It wasn’t a big deal. I have been on this medication before and never had a problem filling it, until now. It really stressed me out, more than what I was already. I hope my psychiatrist can understand this. I just feel like everyone is against me right now. The weird part is that I am depression but I haven’t moved into the darkness part of the depression. I just am psychotic and delusional and paranoid. I haven’t been this way in quite some time. I know I am taking a chance not taking my meds anymore because when I do go back on it, it might now work as well as it did. The trilafon is helping as I feel much calmer and the voices that are bothering me are hushed, least for now.

The depression is not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t feel sad anymore, just gloomy. It’s an awful feeling to be this down and not know how to express my feelings. It’s easier to talk about the voices because they are much more interesting.

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

I didn’t take the abilify for the second night in a row. The “bad” voices have come out, a little bit. They want me to do things but I am ignoring them. The other voices are just talking incessantly to me. My brain is so warped.

I went out to the liquor store hoping to find a beer that I have been wanting to try and they had it. I was very happy, even though the 6 pack was expensive. I am going to try it with dinner tonight as my mother is making burgers, using MY meat that I bought. No matter, I like using fresh meat anyway when I cook. I think it tastes better than frozen/thawed.

I don’t know why, but I bought a Kindle Fire this morning with accessories. I know I have said I had a tablet that was good enough, but I really wanted something that I could take with me. I really want to be able to read Dostoevsky and not worry that the battery is going to run out on me. Seems the battery life of the tablet has gone down considerably. It only lasts a day or two off the charger, and that is if you are not using it. I bought a 64 GB SD card for it as the device itself is only 8 GB. It should be delivered this Saturday. I am all excited! I think after the week that I have had, I deserve to get myself something nice.

I also reserved a car for my therapy appointment for next week. I will be seeing her twice in one week. She is going to be so excited. It’s going to be like old times. I just hope it doesn’t rain on Tuesday. I hate driving in the rain. I need to go to Walmart and get new PJs. The ones that I have been wearing look more like Swiss cheese. They are so worn they have a lot of holes in them. I have had them for at least 10 years so I think it’s time to replace it. They were my favorite ones, too.

Last night I was feeling lowly. I wrote on Facebook and Twitter that I wasn’t sure if I could change my name because of the attacks in Orlando. I am afraid of being out of the closet and with good reason. I have never been bullied or called names before and I don’t want that to be the case moving forward. There has only been one time in my life that I have been called a “dyke” and that was scary to me. So next week, I am moving on, and going to get the first step in changing my name. I need to get my birth certificate. Once I have that, I will go to court and get my name legally changed. I hope I don’t need a court appointment to do so. Otherwise, it might be awhile before my name is officially changed.

Once this happens, I will start the process in changing my name on all the bills and hospitals that I go to. I still am sort of on the fence of whether to be called G or GC. I tried changing my Facebook name to G last night and it wouldn’t let me. It has to be more than one letter. Jerks. But I have my heart set on being called G as nearly everyone calls me that anyways.

I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke up at 0300 because I had to pee. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was feeling kind of sick as my bowels were haywire. I don’t know why I have the runs but I do. All I really had today to eat was two boiled eggs, toast, and apple juice. For lunch I had some asparagus and eggs and salad. I hope that me not taking the abilify isn’t affecting my bowels. I just paged my doc so I will ask her. Or not. I am supposed to be tapering the dose but I am too lazy. Besides, the voices don’t want me taking it at all so I am not cutting the pill to take it. I just got to remember not to take the senna tonight or I might have loose stool again tomorrow. That wouldn’t be good because I need to go out. I have an appointment with my doc and the NP for my pain management. It’s back to back appointments. Should be fun!

The voices are listening to what I am typing. The reading voice is back so they can hear what I am reading/saying. It’s so weird. I feel like I am being watched all the time now by these voices. I don’t have a big appetite today. I bought some Andy Capp fries. They are my favorite. I had to hide them because my littlest niece loves them, too. I was in the mood for hot fries and I am glad the liquor store carries them. It’s the only place around that has Andy Capp products. I miss the comic strip that used to be on the bag. They don’t have it anymore. Andy Capp was one of my favorite comics growing up. I hope the beer is good. I never had a grapefruit beer before. I am not usually a beer drinker. But I will have one during the summer. I like the lemon beers they come out with.

The reason I bought this particular beer is because Wil Wheaton’s wife posted it on Twitter more than a year ago. It’s an Indian IPA, which I don’t know what that is. I figure I like grapefruit and she liked it so it couldn’t be that bad. She is a bigger beer drinker than I am though. We’ll see. Maybe I will post a blog about it later this evening about it.