Tag: hopelessness

sucky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sucky mood

I slept through the night, finally but I woke up around 6 because my bladder needed to be relieved. I also took some pain meds as I was hurting. Doesn’t seem like this flare up is going to settle down anytime soon. I got up too late to take my blood pressure pills. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I still don’t. I am feeling very depressed.

The CRPS office called me back today. They said they need a clinical referral before they could set up an appointment. I emailed my psychiatrist and she was willing to send it but I think it’s too complicated for her. She kept on asking specific questions and I answered them but then didn’t get a response. I had emailed my PCP and the secretary emailed me back saying that the information was in my record. The doc just had to access it. I was like duh but they need a referral or they won’t see me. She is going to bring it up with my PCP and go from there. I am aggravated. No where on the CRPS specialist’s site does it list a clinical referral to see her. Just another obstacle. I don’t have the patience to deal with it.

I made a grilled cheese for lunch. Surprisingly, I didn’t burn it. It came out perfect. I filled my water bottle with iced tea. I am going to try and drink more today as I didn’t really do so yesterday. I am feeling really tired so I am going to nap after I write this. My mother is making chicken cutlets for supper, least I hope she is. Sometimes she changes her mind and makes a stir fry.

I reserved the car for tomorrow to go to my ex-therapist’s office to collect my things. I will have the car for a few hours just so I can ride around some. I want to go to Walmart and buy some pajama shorts and regular shorts so I don’t always wear jeans.

My ankle is just throbbing right now. I can’t stand it. I am going to stop here so I can rest. Talk to you guys later.

random 410

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 410

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0200 having side effects from my trilafon. My arms felt like they were spaghetti and they were flailing. I was annoying that it woke me from a sound sleep. I stayed up half the night as I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I would have blogged but my arms didn’t feel right.

I was hoping to sleep till at least 1100 but woke up at 0800. I was able to get back to sleep for a few hours and then I made breakfast. I didn’t feel like showering. After breakfast, it was time to catch the bus so I could have much needed espresso. I grabbed my bag and looked for my keys yet again. I still haven’t found them anywhere. My house ate them and until it pukes it up, I am without keys. I am glad I have a spare.

It was raining and cool as I waited at the bus stop. I didn’t dress warmly and froze while I was at Starbucks. I read a chapter of the CBT book but didn’t feel like summarizing it. I wrote in my journal until it was time for me to catch the train for therapy. While I was writing, my foot acted up and I was shitting bricks. I took my pain meds and hoped it would be enough to calm it down so I could walk to therapy. It was too late to cancel and too late to go home for strong meds.

I went to therapy and told my therapist that I was suicidal. I was hopeless and he wanted me to scream at someone. I thought that was queer. I wasn’t angry at anyone. We talked about different things and he has it in his head that I need people in my life. I don’t want people in my life. I have enough of them online that I manage. I don’t want every day conversations with people that I don’t know. He is starting to get on my nerves about this as it’s the third session he has mentioned this. Next week he is out of office because of the holiday. He is going to let me know if a spot opens up on his schedule if I want to see him. I rather not see him.

I walked to the train station and I was hurting. Both ankles were giving me grief. I decided to go to Chipotle for supper. I had a burrito bowl and I asked for extra rice. It was good and I got a little happy having my guacamole. The train was crowded so I didn’t have seat. I just made the bus home and it was crowded so I didn’t have a seat. My feet and ankles were wanting a divorce. I crawled home. I took some strong pain meds and regular meds when I got to my room. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be in pain all night like I have been the last few nights.

A friend called me while I was home. We set up a dinner date at our favorite Thai place. It will be good to see him if I don’t end up going through with my plans. I am still feeling suicidal after I left therapy, mostly because I was in fricken pain and that just put me in a bad mood. I’m going to talk to my psych tomorrow and tell her my plans. This therapist sucks for suicide prevention so I am not sure I can depend on him in a crisis or when I am having a hard time. He still expects me to see him in two weeks when I am not sure I am going to be around. FUCK. I am just so tired of having to do things myself in therapy. I am not sure it is worth it anymore. Not sure my life is worth anything anymore. I just feel so hopeless today and not sleeping and being in pain has not helped me one bit. Just don’t want to exist anymore, I really don’t!

intense pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Intense pain

I got up from bed after I shut the AC off to place my overflowing recycle bin in a trash bag. As I climbed back to bed, my ankle seized up like the Dickens. I saw stars. It was intense pain and I am still feeling it. I just want to die and I am doing all I can to not get up and take the bottle of pills to end my life.

I waited about fifteen minutes for it to quiet down. It didn’t so I took yet another strong pain pill. I am losing track of the consecutive days I am having to take this medication. I belong to a CRPS group on Facebook. They talk about Kratom, ketamine infusions, and the like. I have posted a few times but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares.

I keep telling myself one more week or two and then I will end it. I don’t know if I will. I want to end it right now but I can’t walk over to my bureau to get the meds needed to do the job. It will hurt too much. I could say fuck it and hobble over there anyways, but I really don’t want my family to find me in the morning. It’s better to go to my spot.

I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist and just cry over the phone with her. The pain is getting worse. The flares are nearly every day, sometimes with some movement and other times with no movement. I can’t go on like this, I just can’t. Pain is just killing me. I have tolerated as much as I can. I can’t even say what number on scale it is anymore because I am always in pain. My normal is now a 5 when it used to be a 3. I just want to cut off the limb. I have a crazy idea on how to do it, too.

I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I am so tired and my meds are making me sleepy but the pain is keeping me up. Pretty soon I will be over tired and then god knows when I will sleep. I will hit the hyperdrive button and all hell will break loose. Time will go by and before I know it, it will be 0300.

I took my dose of Neurontin later than I usually do. I am starting to need it every night like the strong pain pill. I will be 300 pounds by the end of the year if this keeps up. Neurontin is just a weight gainer and you don’t even have to eat more to gain weight. I know in the morning the pain will be less. It always will be. But I want it to be gone NOW. I am tired of existing. I have no purpose. Just a will to die and I will act on it soon enough. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one day soon.

in a very depressed mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a very depressed mood

Pain has been with me for most of the day. I tried to nap and then my ankle was like “no, you can’t.” I got tired from my night meds and tried to sleep and the same thing happened. I just took some Neurontin, hoping it knocks out some of the nerve pain that I am feeling. My teeth hurt, the whole top so I am not sure if I should see a dentist or a doctor. It could be sinuses as I have been stuffy the past few weeks due to allergies. I am so frustrated that I am having yet another pain in my body.

As I was lying there pondering if I should just lay in bed or take yet more medication, I started to think about ending my life in a couple of weeks. I have the plan. I have the meds. I just need a solid date to play it all out. I want out of this world. I don’t see the good in it and I don’t feel so great about it.

I was going through my blogs. I do this from time to time. I came across one that was very depressing as I was talking about my transgender issues and how people see me. It’s bothering me more and more. I don’t have the energy to correct people anymore. I just let it go.

Apparently sitting up decreases my pain but I can’t sleep sitting up so I am fucking screwed. I hate being in pain. It’s driving the suicidal buttons to a new level. I emailed my neurologist about a TENS unit to see if that would help. She wrote back this morning and said it could help. There is a 50% chance. I don’t like those odds, especially as the device is expensive. I’ll put it on my back burner though and see how it goes.

I just can’t get out of this pain cycle that I am in. Today is really hot. I am glad I have the AC cranking. I had to put a long sleeved shirt on because I got kind of cold. I am wearing a tank top. I just had my lunch and my mother will be making spaghetti soon. I am getting hungry, even though I just ate. I didn’t eat anything all day as I woke up late. I really want a damn burger so tomorrow after my psych appointment I am going to get some.

I am feeling really depressed, like I can’t cope anymore. Everything is either pissing me off or depressing me. I know it’s the pain. Always the pain. I just can’t get away from it. It’s will me all the time, in one form or another. I was thinking of increasing the Zoloft but why bother. I just had an increase a few months ago. It helped for a while and now I am back to being depressed. Seems I always need a higher dose and then I am maxed out. The meds stop working for me. I should just end my life and be done with it.

I heard another musician died by suicide. I don’t know him as I never heard the group Soundgarden. One of my friends went off about suicide not being the answer, ever. If she only knew of the pain that I deal with on a daily basis. This is worse than a cancer patient’s pain. Least they will have an end. I don’t have an end unless I make one.

My mother jibed at me again today, because I was wearing a long sleeved shirt. It’s 90 degrees or more in the house and she asked if I was cold in her condescending tone. I just walked away. I don’t even think I answered her. I was tired of taking it off when going downstairs. I don’t know why she always has to give me a hard time on the way I dress, like I am a little kid.

I feel like life is unbearable right now. I just am so underground. There is no daylight. My heart is heavy and my ankle is throbbing again. I get no relief whatsoever. Death is all I think about these days. It makes me happy knowing I have a way out of this damned misery. One day I will end my pain. One day. And soon.