Tag: mental illness

Locked Doors

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. I had texted her late last night telling her I was pissed at her because she didn’t call me. I felt like she didn’t care anymore. She texted me this morning to say sorry and that she didn’t get my voicemail message until this morning. I really didn’t feel like talking to her. I was in such a mood. I woke up weepy and was crying for at least a half hour for no reason at all. I was in pain again so I might have just felt defeated. I would have taken my pain meds but I couldn’t as I had to talk to my therapist in two hours.

I wanted to tell her how poorly I felt last night and how suicidal I was but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I did mention that I was suicidal but she didn’t inquire about it so I just let it go. I thought it was funny that she said I had walls all around me. She also said that when there is a topic I don’t want to talk about I “lock the door and throw away the key”. I felt like saying, isn’t it your job to find the key and open the door?

We have tomorrow’s session as out last session before she is on vacation for two weeks. I told her I might have PT but I am thinking about cancelling it because I just feel so hopeless. I mean, why bother if I am just going to kill myself in a few weeks. My writing friend told me today her friend’s sister died either by suicide or OD, which to her is suicide. The sister apparently got into drug use so it’s unclear what her intent was. I wanted to tell my friend that I would be going to, but I didn’t.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night and I started crying by the time I got to the end. I was just so frustrated by being in pain. I haven’t heard back from her. I don’t think I will. I had my coffee today so I won’t be going out. I don’t know when I will work on the Adler chapter. I just find it hard to think and concentrate on stuff in my room versus at Starbucks. It’s not like I am bothered in my room anymore than I am bothered at Starbucks. But it’s just a different feeling you get when you are out and about.

I woke up in pain again today as I think I have mentioned. It’s better now that I took my meds. I don’t know why I can tolerate the pain better during the day than I do at night. At night I just fall apart. For the second time in two weeks, I have seriously contemplated ending my life that night. If I had a vehicle, I know I wouldn’t be here right now. Last night all I did was brush my teeth and I was seized with pain. I couldn’t have been standing for more than five minutes and I was in so much pain as if I had been standing all day. It’s just getting intolerable. I see the NP this Friday and I know she isn’t going to do anything about it. She isn’t going to care that I get like this. She is just going to go over my med list and then print out my prescription and it’s going to be “have a nice day”. I have learned not to talk about my depression with her because she doesn’t get it. She thinks I should just exercise more or find a hobby. How the fuck can I do that if I can’t even fucking brush my teeth without pain? I am just fed up beyond what I can tolerate. I don’t even think a hospitalization would do me any good because no one care about my pain. They just care about the suicidality and my mood. Then once that “stabilizes”, I am discharged. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist when she is back. Maybe then we can deal with this mess of pain and mental illness.

Last night I was ranting on Twitter. Someone asked if I had someone to talk to and I told them, why bother. That person didn’t respond back. Typical Twitter. You can never have a conversation, a serious one, on there. I don’t know why I post. I guess it’s easier than posting on Facebook.

had enough 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Had enough

Tonight I was brushing my teeth before bed and when I came back to my room, my ankle and back were screaming at me. It set off my frustration gears to suicide really fast. I can’t do this anymore. It’s one thing to battle with voices and shitty depressions, but to be in constant physical pain just wears you out. I am done.

I haven’t told anyone. I started ranting on Twitter and then someone responded with “do I have someone to talk to”. I responded with “why bother”? It’s not like someone can really help me. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I was fed up. And then I started crying. I don’t know why. I guess my frustration got the better of me. Once the weather cools off some, I will go through with my plan. It’s not fool proof and there is a possibility of being rescued but I am hoping I choose the time of day where there is apt to be less people around.

I found out today that one of my neighbors died in her sleep. She was 89 years old. She had moved to a place that her son thought was safer for her and she died alone. I feel bad for her and her family.

Everyone is talking about the upcoming election and all I can think about is how I am not going to be around to not cast my vote. I hope to be gone by the time September comes around. Or maybe mid-September. I don’t know. I would do it tomorrow if the humidity wasn’t going to be 90. All I did was stand for less than five fucking minutes to brush my damn teeth. It had to be done because I forgot to brush them yesterday. My mouth was starting to feel like a sewer. Plus I had popcorn tonight and wanted to get the kernels out of my teeth. Unreal. I am just so upset. I could see if I did the second staircase today like I wanted to. Then that would be cause for me being sore, but I didn’t and I was well rested. I don’t understand how I can be in pain. I just don’t.

I hope my psychiatrist responds within the next couple of days. She is still on vacation so I know she is not going to respond right away. She might not respond at all. And I am so pissed my therapist didn’t call me. Sure, we are talking tomorrow, but I wanted to talk to her today. I left her a message saying to call me today. It really bothers me when she doesn’t because then I think she doesn’t care about me. And that hurts. If my psych was available right now I would be paging her.

I just don’t know what to do. I am hurting on so many levels despite taking my meds. I took my pain meds with my night meds tonight because I was hurting. That was at 2000, three hours ago. I am still in pain but not as bad. It’s like maybe a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10. That kind of pain is my “normal”. But it’s annoying the crap out of me tonight. The throbbing is what drives me crazy. And it doesn’t help that my right hip hurts because I was standing for five fucking minutes brushing my teeth. I don’t know what to do with this pain because nothing makes it goes away. It comes and goes on its own.

I sincerely hope that come election in November I am a pile of dust somewhere in Massachusetts.

Starting the day off in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Starting the day off in pain

I woke up late this morning due to pain in my ankle. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up in pain. I took my pain meds and was debating on going back to sleep but decided to make coffee. It was really good and took away the drowsiness of the pain meds away. I felt energetic so I took on a task that I have neglected all weekend: cleaning the stairs. I was doing fairly well until the last four or five steps. My back decided I had enough but I wasn’t done yet. I had to rest before I finished the stairs. Then I swept the area around the stairs as they haven’t been swept in a while. I then vacuumed up the dust and stuff rather than trying to get it in a dustpan. I was done for the day. My back thanked me kindly and I went back up to my room to rest.

I have been reading Twitter. Nothing interesting is going on. I called my therapist as I wanted to talk to her but she is booked. I told her to call me if she got a chance. I just feel like I need to talk to someone because I am losing my mind with pain and the thoughts of suicide are hanging around more than going away. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about ending my life because I can’t stand not being able to do things without pain. Even taking a shower hurts me.

I printed off the disability pass document because I have to renew it. I will drop it off to my PCP’s office on Friday when I have my appointment. Friday is going to be a long day for me because I see the NP in the morning and then I have PT in the afternoon for my Achilles problem. If it causes me more pain than what I am already in, I won’t go through with the sessions. I just can’t bear more pain.

I was going to read Adler today but I am just not up to reading and concentrating. I might read the mindless book about fieldstones. This guy talks about stones a lot in this book. Basically a stone is a note that you write when you have an idea for a book or the book you are writing. Why he just doesn’t say “notes’, I have no clue. It’s getting wicked redundant but it’s mindless reading so I don’t mind it. I might read some Dostoevsky later tonight. The Sox are off tonight so I have plenty of time to read. I just wish I had some motivation to read Adler. I am sure I could finish the chapter today if I did.

My psychiatrist is still on vacation. She won’t be back until next week. It will be good to see her. I will need a refill on my trilafon by then. I hope she changes the order to taking it twice a day as it seems to be working better for me than taking it once a day. I can reach her via email if I need to. If my therapist doesn’t call me today, I will email my psych. I haven’t emailed her since last week when I was in a rut and agonizing over what to do because I was in pain and suicidal. I really wanted her input as the voices were out of control and so was my pain. It was like a double whammy of things going on at once. But me getting all worked up because of pain anxiety got the voices going too. It just is a bad situation. And to make things worse, my therapist is on vacation the next two weeks starting next week. For the first time in 16 years, I am having anxiety over her going on vacation. It’s like my routine is being taken away from me for two weeks and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I do have PT while she is gone so I have some structure but it’s not the same.

It’s another humid day so I am staying in my AC’d room. I don’t really have to go out today, though I still want to get some burgers and hot dogs so my rolls don’t go bad. I wish the meat market sold the hot dogs I like but they don’t. So I need to go to two different places to get these items. I wouldn’t dare go out given that my back and ankle have been screaming at me the last couple of hours. Maybe tomorrow I will go, if I am not in too much pain.

Saturday Blog 59

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 59

I woke up early this morning, in pain. My ankle was really bothering me. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep and pretty much slept until the afternoon. I had nothing planned so I could sleep. I thought of making coffee but never did and it’s too late now to have a cup.

I have been tracking the game on Twitter. They are losing 3-0 right now. Last night they won 9-0. Bats have been silent today, so far. I hope they comeback.

There is a movie on tonight with Marina Sirtis. She is the actress that played Deanna Troi in the Next Gen of Star Trek. I plan on watching it tonight with my mother. Don’t know how that is going to go down. I just hope she puts the fan on as it’s really hot in the house and I won’t be watching it in a hot room.

It’s really hot in the house despite the sun going down so I don’t know if I will be watching the movie. It’s nice and cool in my room. I am not one to watch TV shows anyway. But we’ll see.

I just took my meds and filled the box up again so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. The voices have been quiet but they still look at what I am doing and call me a junkie when I take my meds. That is the new word for me. I have been taking the trilafon at night or close to evening times than during the afternoon. It seems to be better but if I am out and about, then I will take it earlier. As long as I don’t get agitated, I seem to handle things ok.

I haven’t done any reading today other than the chapter I read while waiting for my pain meds to work this morning. I just can’t find the motivation to read today. I follow the author SE Hinton on Twitter and she was showing all her books in her shelves. She has quite a lot of books, more than I do. But then, she is older than I am so has been reading longer. I hope one day to have a room where there are a lot of bookcases to store my books and journals. She has her books arranged by subject. I just have mine where ever I can find a spot for it. Eventually, I would like to keep all my suicide books on the same shelf or bookcase. I have quite a lot of suicide journals and articles that needs a home. If I was organized and had a little of OCD, I bet I could get things done.

The Sox did lose today. I am not happy as every game from here on in counts toward the playoffs. It will really stink if we have another bad year or come so close only to lose. I am just glad we didn’t lose because of the long ball (home run). That would have been worse.