Tag: mental illness

Frustrating Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Frustrating Sunday

I woke up in a funk. I didn’t feel really well but still wanted to go food shopping. I had some coffee and then rested a little bit before getting dressed. I went to the store and within twenty minutes, my back started cramping up. I just gathered things that were on the top of my head rather than look at my list. There was stuff I forgot but I will be going back sometime this week with my cousin. I came home from shopping exhausted and in pain. I can’t believe the fatigue I felt. I got a headache and it is really bad. It turned into a migraine. I took some meds for it but it still hasn’t helped yet. I am so tired that I can’t rest. It is like I am too over tired to rest. I hate when I get this way.

My mother will be making hamburgers for supper with the meat I bought. I am glad because I don’t think I can manage making dinner. I bought frozen dinners. But I forgot ice cream. I hate that I did. I have been in some kind of brain fog the past few days. I don’t know if it is because of the Latuda or not. I just feel spacy and forget things. I feel like I am dissociated but I really haven’t lost track of time or anything. I just forgot what I have been doing. Like yesterday morning I wrote a blog after I had breakfast. I cannot tell you what the blog was about because I forgot I wrote it. I just remember that I finished it around noon time and then I took a nap. I am so frustrated that I am so spacy.

I am also frustrated that I have no stamina to do food shopping. I am totally wiped out from the little shopping I did. My back hates me right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a killer headache. I feel so low it isn’t funny. I don’t think I am ever going to have the stamina I had before surgery back in March. It is driving me crazy and I don’t know if things will get better. I hope that when I start PT that somethings do get better but I know it will be a while before I see any progress.

I have such tension in my neck and shoulders today. It really hurts when I turn my neck. My shoulders feel so heavy. It is creating so much tension in my neck that it is making my headache worse. I woke up like this so maybe it was the way I slept. I just know that it is annoying the fuck out of me. Today is just not a good day. Tomorrow I plan on going to the pharmacy to get my flu shot. Once I get it, I need to let my pcp know so they can update my records. I just hope I don’t get sick after I get it. That will really suck.

Saturday Blog 03102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 03102020

I woke up early so I ordered breakfast because my foot is hurting me so much I can’t stand that long. I didn’t have coffee, though I should make it. Yesterday’s cup wasn’t fulfilling to me. Maybe I will have tea instead. I don’t know. I am so indecisive. I am listening to Hamilton again. I think it is becoming my Saturday thing.

I had to order another micro USB cable because it took forever for my Kindle to charge on the one I have and it kept on disconnecting while plugged in. The beeping was driving me crazy! I finally bought the new shaver. I don’t like it. It doesn’t give me a close shave like I was hoping it would. It works though so I don’t want to return it. There are days when I don’t want to shave but growing a beard while I still have breasts looks ridiculous to me. So I try to shave every other day or three. I really like shaving with a razor but sometimes it just isn’t feasible because of pain so I will use a shaver.

My foot is killing me today. It feels like my metatarsals are being crushed. I hate bone pain. It is so difficult to treat. I am so tired of being in pain. It really is in itself tiring. I wish I could sleep but I am too wired. I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to sleep till after 0200. Pain was keeping me up. I had taken a shower and set my foot off. The water hit my foot/ankle and it felt weird before it flared up. I have been in pain since.

I talked with my cousin who has bipolar disorder last night. He told me he will take me shopping some day next week when he feels up for it. I said ok as there isn’t anything urgent that I need right now. I do need to go shopping though. I need to get some food and snacks. My mother also needs juice. I know when I do go, I will be tired. I still don’t have the stamina I once I had before surgery. Fricken sucks that it has been almost seven months now and I still am not back to being even 90% better energy wise. I need to go to Walgreens for my flu shot. I think I will do that today.

feeling overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling overwhelmed

PT just called to schedule appointments for me. The PT that I have been seeing and really like is leaving the organization so I had to go to another location. I am a bit overwhelmed because the third week in Oct I have appointments nearly every day, and therapy hasn’t been scheduled yet so I am nervous that I won’t have therapy that week.

Since last night my back has been making cracking sounds or feels like it is. I don’t know what is going on. I know I don’t have the bony spine on my vertebraes anymore. They all have been removed except for L1-L2. This was because of all the surgeries I have had this year and in the past. I am nervous that I did something to my back yesterday when my groceries came. I just hope it is just muscles that I am hearing and not bone on bone, though it wouldn’t surprise me if there is bone on bone. My discs have deteriorated so there isn’t much cushioning like there used to be. I see the surgeon in three weeks. I will let him know before then if this continues. My headaches have come back and I don’t like it. I am hoping today’s headache was because of the storms that were passing through. I thought I was going to get a migraine but I didn’t. Tylenol seems to have gotten rid of the headache (and eating something too).

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be going over this overwhelm with her. I hate when I have so many appointments back to back. I hope I like this new PT. I don’t know if it is the one my PT recommended I see or not. She is supposed to send me an email tomorrow about it. I am just glad I don’t have to call the ride to get to the place. I can just take the bus as it is down the street from me. I just need to make sure I have enough money on my T pass. I will make sure I do have enough when I get my haircut tomorrow. The Train station is right there near my barber’s shop. I just hope I remember.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but my cousin bailed on me. He said that he wasn’t feeling good. It’s ok because I need to rest my back anyway after dealing with groceries on Monday. My legs are still hurting me from going up and down the stairs.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to change medications. I will be starting Latuda tonight and decreasing the Invega. I forgot how he wanted me to decrease the Invega so I sent him a message. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I am just halving the dose tonight and then stopping it come the weekend. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects. I really hope that it works for me and doesn’t cause weight gain.

This weekend I will be posting transition pics as Saturday marks my second anniversary of being on T. Will be interesting to see the changes. I know there have been a lot. I am more hairy for one. My facial hair has come in nicely. I love that my mustache is more pronounced than it had been. It is darker and thicker. What bothers me is that I have hair on my chest but it is on my stupid breasts. I hate that. I feel like a hairy woman sometimes rather than a man. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look. I still feel ugly. I can’t help but hate the way my face is. Sometimes I can look at myself and see the changes and other times I can’t stand to see myself.

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

I’ve been hit with severe depression and hopelessness the past few days. I had my appointment with the new pain doc and it was discouraging. I felt like they felt I was too at risk for management because of my psych condition and past suicidal history. They were to discuss options with my primary care doc and then make some decision. I honestly don’t care to go back to see them. I am seeing their pain psychologist for some coping stuff specific to pain. I think that will be good. I don’t see him until the end of Oct.

I had the meeting with my PCP today. He didn’t say anything of what the pain docs said. I told him I was discouraged because of the way they are treating my mental illness. He didn’t say too much other than he was sorry that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been such a long process. I am not sure when I will see him again.

I also had a meeting with my therapist today. It was a tough session, she really pushed me and I was not really in the mood for pushing. I wanted to leave at least three times but I stuck it out. I asked her what to do when I get into these horrible moods so she gave me a DBT handout on some skill. I have to print it out so I have it in front of me. She wants me to work on this skill every day. We’ll see if that happens. I am not so great in doing homework, especially when there is no follow up with it. We talked about how hopeless I have been feeling. I told her I felt like crawling under a rock and staying there. She just agreed with me with an ok.

Because I was two hours early for my pain doc appointment, I started listening to Hamilton. I finished listening to it tonight and the ending always makes me sad. Watching the movie, which I haven’t in months, I would cry. Just seeing the emotions on the stage were enough to get me to feel.

I shaved and showered tonight before the Sox game. It was a disaster by the 3rd inning so I turned off the radio app. It was interfering with my writing. I kept blanking out as I was listening to the game. So hard to write when you are listening to something. I can listen to music just fine but a ball game or a musical and it’s tough writing.

Back is thanking me for showering and shaving right now. It is cramping up big time and hurts. All I can do is take Tylenol and Advil. My pain meds don’t really work for the cramping. I do take the Zanaflex but I think it is losing its effectiveness or I might be becoming tolerant to it. It still makes me sleepy though.