Tag: mental illness

cooking Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Cooking Wednesday

I slept crappy for the third night in a row. I am so spent and labile. My mood keeps going all over the place and I am weepy at times. I was determined to make something today. I had silenced my phone not thinking it would not sound my med alarm. I wanted it to wake me up around 11. It never went off so I woke up around 1230. I really didn’t feel like doing shit but I was hungry and needed to make something.

I decided to make a three cheese egg and bacon burritos. I made four but my niece wanted mac and cheese, so after I made the burritos, I made the mac and cheese. I had that instead of the burrito. My ankle and back were acting up so that was all the cooking I was going to do. I tried to nap afterwards but I felt so depressed because I was in pain. I honestly don’t know why I am living. I just want to die. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about texting my therapist, but what was he going to do? I emailed my psychiatrist and got no response. I think that was worse than anything.

I got busy with social media. I had posted my burrito work on FB, IG, and Twitter. I probably post at least twice a month what I make. Someone on Twitter, who I don’t follow, replied to my tweet asking if I liked making breakfast. This is the fourth time a café or restaurant responded to my pics on food. I think it is funny as they just want my business, but other than the Indian restaurant, I am not going to go. Other than Starbucks, I don’t eat out. I might order from Grubhub but that is all. I mostly have been eating at home as I just can’t be bothered to go out anymore. I am in too much pain.

After I had dinner, I took a shower. I needed one. My foot cramped up and my back ached but it got done. I had bought compression socks for my foot and ankle and they came in today. I wore them for a few hours. They left a nice mark on my leg as I was drying off. I am going to try wearing them a few hours a day to control the swelling but don’t know if I will be successful.

I am so tired. I hope I sleep tonight during “normal” sleep hours. I think I might lose it if I don’t have sleep for the fourth night in a row. All three nights my pain started at 2200 or after. It’s just about 1900 right now so I have three hours before I know if I will be in pain all night or not. It used to start at 2000. Now the “magic” number seems to be 2200. Probably because I am ready to settle down and turn in at that time.

One of my Twitter buddies just posted an article that was in JAMA about not to prescribe opioids for severe to moderate chronic back pain or hip/knee osteoarthritis pain because it was shown not to prove function. I am sorry but that is just wrong. Most people who take an opiate for pain do regain some function because their pain is less and they can do more. I don’t trust their results. But all over the article was written, “don’t prescribe opioids” so a little bias?? Pisses me off.

I am doing an experiment. I just took my night meds but I am not going to take the Ativan, just yet. I will take it later when I want to go to sleep. Maybe then I can sleep through the night. I just hope I don’t have side effects from the antipsychotic.

Easter Sunday 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Easter Sunday 2018

I woke up to my fricken med alarm around 645 this morning. It scared me out of my sleep and all I wanted to do was throw my phone against the wall. I shut the thing off and dutifully took my meds. My back was so bad. It hurt more than my CRPS pain in my ankle/foot. I had to use the bathroom and it hurt to move. I decided to cancel therapy for tomorrow as I wasn’t sure how my back was going to be. I was sure that just walking to the office would not be a good idea. When I came back to my room, I texted my therapist. I then got my heating pad and adjusted it a few times to get the heat where it hurt, which was mostly around my hip. I had used a tennis ball to try and massage it but the pain was so intense. I know I need to do it a few more times to get the knots out. I am lucky it is just muscle pain or it could be a lot worse.

I fell back to sleep. My sister was having Easter dinner at 2. I think I woke up a little after 1. My pain was a little better but my ankle was throbbing. I heard my mother make her way downstairs so thought the food must be ready. I followed her after gobbling a few chocolate chip cookies for an appetizer. My brother in law’s family wasn’t there yet. The time my sister told her to be there and the time my brother in law said was off by an hour. I have no idea why he said 3 pm as we never have dinner that late. That caused a little argument. Just what I wanted to hear, fighting on Easter.

The in laws arrived about a half hour later, which was good because I wanted to eat. Everything was good and peaceful. I saw my nephew and his sister, who I haven’t seen since Christmas. They don’t come over much or call. I might get a text from them every so often. I still can’t believe my nephew is going to be 24 this year. Seems like only yesterday I was holding him in my arms and playing catch with him. This caused him to puke on me for at least his first two years. I never learned. I was just happy to play with him. He often was like Dino the dinosaur in Fred Flintstone. I would come home from work and he’d promptly attack me with hugs. Later it was just to grab my baseball hat so I could chase him.

I spent most of the afternoon and evening down my sister’s. My back was surprisingly cooperating and so was my foot/ankle, though it was still throbbing. It hurt to go from a seated position to a standing. My aunt came over around 6. She saw a stray cat and wanted to take it home as it was malnourished. It had been living for some time on my sister’s porch for at least a month. I guess she told my cousin and he talked her out of it. Now my brother in law will be calling some cat shelter for it. That really pissed me off as the cat would have had a good home with my aunt.

I was late in taking my meds because I was downstairs. I hope I am not up all night. I did have a cup of caffeinated tea. For some reason, having tea late can either not affect me or will. I am tired so hopefully I will sleep.

I read twitter before writing this blog. There was a tweet that someone wrote that got my attention. It was about chronic pain and people being forced off their pain meds because their doctors are no longer prescribing it for them anymore. One tweet read that they were planning their suicide. I felt that person’s pain because my thoughts are the same. I am also planning. I don’t know if I will go through with it, even though I have given myself a date and some time to actually plan it. Not saying that it will happen the way I do plan it but the thought is there. Now that the CDC is admitting it falsified its data for their proposed guidelines, hopefully that will make doctors treat patients the way they should be treated. I don’t have hope that I will ever be treated for my pain because I have a psychiatric illness. I think that is why my PCP and pain docs are staying away from me like a 10 foot pole. I can’t prove it but it makes sense. I think that is why my PCP is in constant contact with my psychiatrist, which is kind of leading me not to trust my psychiatrist as much. I know what I tell her is confidential and all but my paranoia gets the better of me. I don’t know if she tells him how suicidal I have become. I have no idea what she writes in her notes about me because he reads them, even though he is not supposed to. I am too scared to request my records from her. It would be easier if I had access to them when I was hospital employee, but now I need to fill out a release like every one else. Plus I am not so sure reading them will benefit me in anyway.

just another day of fricken pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just another day of fricken pain

My back and leg have been bothering me all day. My lower back has been hurting so much. I really pulled a muscle. I’ve been taking ibuprofen to try and ease it. Today I had to put heat on it because it was just awful. My right calf refuses to loosen up. It’s so stiff. So I have been putting heat on that as well. It helped some because when my mother called me down for dinner, I could walk somewhat normally.

My CRPS ankle/foot is being a complete jerk. So I am hurting on both sides of my lower body. I hope I never have upper body pain because I don’t think I can handle it. I am so tired today. Yesterday, I had taken stuff to go to the bathroom and it started working soon after I got home from the restaurant. I was in the bathroom at least until 1 or 2 am. Then when I got up this afternoon, I went again. I feel like I all I’ve been doing is shitting my brains out. I won’t be taking senna tonight with my night meds. That will be too much.

I am feeling like absolute crap. The depression isn’t helping one bit. Tomorrow is Easter and I really don’t want to spend time with my family. I rather just stay in my room all day. I don’t want to interact with anyone. My mother was just annoying me today. I know part of it is that I don’t feel well. But she really was just being so annoying. While we were having dinner, there was a bowl in front of the TV and then she is wondering why she couldn’t turn it on with the remote. I moved the bowl and manually turned it on because she kept on bitching about why wasn’t it working. Not like she pays attention to the TV so I have no idea why the fuck she wants it on. Pisses me off.

I had the cole slaw with dinner and it was terrible. It tasted really bad. I will not be buying it again. This is the second time I bought it and didn’t like it. I don’t know if it was because it was the Stop and Shop brand or what. My mother will be making soup tomorrow. I had bought celery so I can put it in my tuna sandwich. I wanted the cut up one but it was like $4 for a small container whereas the stalk bunch was half that. My mother usually cuts it up and freezes it anyway. She freezes everything.

I got to lay down again. I can’t sit up anymore. Pain is too much. Fucking hate this shit. I hope it is better tomorrow but I doubt it. It usually takes a week or two to recover from this muscle strain. I am so mad at myself for doing this. Now I know I can’t sweep or mop floors.

music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

My med alarm woke me up before 0700. I was feeling okay. I took my meds and didn’t want to go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and as I was going down the stairs, I heard my mother cry out. I listened to see if I should run back upstairs or what. I didn’t hear anything else, so just went to the bathroom real quick and then made my way up the stairs. I went in her room and she was settling down. I asked if she was okay and she said yes, why? I told her because I heard her cry out and she said she didn’t. Okay.

Around 8 I decided to catch the bus to the square for Starbucks and maybe some writing. I also needed a haircut and to renew my T-Pass. I got my espresso and a sandwich. I was kind of thinking of what I should write. After I ate, I took out my journal and my notebook where I have been writing my story. I wrote in my journal first and kept staring at my notebook. Nothing was coming to me. I was getting frustrated. I haven’t written anything new since Feb. I didn’t know if I should write something new or continue with what I had written so far. It was agonizing. I gave up and went to the little grocery store to get some cole slaw. I wasn’t planning on getting some dip but found one that I liked. I had bought some multigrain tortilla chips but had no salsa to go with it.

I got my T-Pass and then my haircut. My regular barber wasn’t in yet so I had the other guy. He did a good job. I just caught the bus home with 30 seconds to spare. I came home and showered and I was so fricken tired but I couldn’t sleep. My sister called and asked if I wanted to go to Trader Joe’s, another grocery store chain. I said sure as I wanted to check out their stuff. I walked around and my back hated me severely. She wanted to go to another store and I told her I would wait in the car. I listened to music while I was waiting.

While I was up late last night, I ordered songs from my favorite female artists. I spent the day listening to the music. I love Mary Chapin Carpenter. I didn’t realize 12 of the 13 songs were just songs she previously recorded. I knew of at least four of them. The others not so much. I have to research to find out which album they are on. I know I don’t have her early stuff. Just stuff from 1992 on, except her only holiday album. I keep wanting to get it and never do.

I rested as much as I could as my sister invited me to go out for her husband’s birthday celebratory dinner. It was supposed to be at a restaurant I liked but they were packed so we went to another Italian restaurant. I didn’t like their food. My nieces didn’t like it either. We took it home. My mother might have it for lunch tomorrow. I had ordered steak tips and they were so plain and not cooked enough. I will cook them and eat them with A1 sauce.

As I was waiting for my brother in law to get ready, there was a baseball game playing between the Tigers and Pirates. They went into extra innings and it became funny. The Tigers manager got ejected for arguing after a replay overrule. In the video, he kept kicking the ground. I found it hysterical. The overrule caused the game to continue to the 13th inning. The Pirates won the came 13-10. It is only the 2nd game of the season, which is why it caused so much fun. Usually beginning games do not go past 9 innings but it’s always fun when there is “free baseball”. Sox won today 1-0. I am not sure who got the win as the score was nothing nothing until the 8th inning. I doubt the starting pitcher, David Price staying in that long. I will look it up later.

My back is still not 100%. My mother had moved the toaster to the kitchen table so she could make cookies. I decided to empty it of crumbs. Both collection trays were full. Then I decided to empty the toaster itself. I got half of the stuff in the trash and the rest on the floor. The sweeping caused my back to hurt, even though I didn’t bend down or anything. I kind of swept more than the area where there were crumbs so that partly is why my back got upset. I hope it doesn’t bother me tomorrow as I really want to make these muffins. I don’t know if my mother is going to be baking anything as my sister bought some desserts for Easter.

I am in a lot of pain and my depression is starting to run high. I just feel so fricken low and there is no reason. Well, sort of. Pain can be a reason, a huge one. While we were walking back to the car, my sisters and nieces were walking pretty fast and I just could not keep up, though I tried. My legs were just hurting too much. The chairs at the restaurant weren’t that comfortable and because they were busy, we had to wait for our food a long time. My ankle was screaming a few times even though I took my pain meds before leaving. I don’t think I am going to do anything tomorrow but rest. The muffins can wait. Nothing will go bad over the next few days.