I started the day with an unusual abundance of energy. I felt like I could face the world and was ready to take it on. That was until I had my therapy session and all bits went to hell. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to curl up in bed and not do anything.
After session I felt a little better after talking about my TG stuff. This stuff is really complicated and I feel very alone with it though people around me are very supportive of it. I am trying to get used to the pronouns and the medical issues I am having. See I go to one place and only my psychiatrist knows my issues right now because I am a “beginner”. I have not told my PCP or any other of my many other care providers. Not like they would turn me away, or they might to another “qualified” individual. I just feel that right now since I am spotting I need to see someone. I got my periods stopped by birth control pills and trust me having to take female hormones to stop my menses kills me enough. But having to explain it without crying my eyes out that is another matter. Not to mention that among my many care providers they all read each other’s notes except my psychiatrist so if I tell one, the others are going to know except I am not there yet. I don’t want it in my medical file that I am a transgendered individual or that I have gender identity disorder yet. I just am not there as sometimes it takes so much emotion that all I do is cry over it as I talk about. I guess part of it is because I hate myself so much that I just want no part of my body. I can deal with the facial hair but I cannot deal with my breasts or my reproductive system. Those are the two things I hate most about myself. I just wish I had the money to get the operation to get rid of both. To look down and not see breasts would make me happy. To actually see hair on my chest would be wonderful and not the little stubs I have now. I truly hate myself for being in the wrong body.
And this is why I am suicidal. This is why I want to end my life. I hope that by the time my date comes around I am half way to the other side or else I just end things and let things be. My parents can bury me as their daughter instead of their son. because it hurts too much to be not who I really am meant to be.
Tag: mental pain
ramblings 22
I don’t know where this day has gone. I had a disastrous appointment with my therapist in which I accidently hung up on her and we both we trying to call each other back at the same time, which just lead us to each other’s voicemails. Stupidly, I was looking for my psychiatrist number and accidently dialed it during our session. But no matter, she called me back and after I explained that I panicked and hung up on her she laughed.
My therapist is worried because of what I wrote in my last blog (mental anguish) and she wanted me to tell my psychiatrist so I emailed the blog to her while we were talking. We have phone sessions because I don’t have a car and she is now thirty miles away from me. She used to be closer but then decided to have a life outside of our therapy (AKA have a kid) and consolidated her practices to where she lives. Which sucks for me because unless I can borrow a car, there is no way I can see her. I might end up seeing her next week but it is a hassle. I have to wake up early to take my sister’s car from my brother in law who leaves around 7 every morning. That is a long day with someone who has nothing to do and then I have to pick him up from work. I can’t wait till he gets a more reliable vehicle for his own use rather than my sister’s. That is why we have phone sessions.
I got my new glasses today and seems like I will have to go back as one of the lenses is scratched. Just what I fricken need.
Having trouble with tomorrow’s writing challenge. I am supposed to write about something that I am proud of but I don’t feel like I’m proud of anything because I feel like crap right now. How can you feel proud of something when you feel like killing yourself? When you feel like you are the biggest loser on the planet? Or feel like a big piece of shit? I just want to crawl under a huge rock and hope it crushes me to death.
mental anguish
I feel like I have a terminal illness except it doesn’t kill you. That truly is what depression is like. An illness that takes your life away from you without killing you. The only way to end it is by you taking your life.
These are the thoughts I have been pondering for the past half hour. I just feel like I am sick but physically I am well. I am on disability for an illness that no one can see or hear. I hate this suffering every day. I feel so worthless as a human being.
My therapist thought I had my day of death in the fall. She couldn’t be more wrong. I just set a date because I just can’t go on anymore. Does it mean that I will go through with my plans? I don’t know. If the day was tomorrow, you bet I would. I feel cheated that I have to wait it out until this day. I am not going to mention it to anyone because I don’t want to be stopped.
I always plan my death. It helps to calm me down. Imagining how the knife will feel or a rope around my neck. That is gory I know but when you are in so much pain you can’t imagine happy thoughts to save you. It just doesn’t work that way. I feel suicidal so I am going to think of suicidal things. It helps to have options out there. That is all that I am doing. Giving myself options on how to die and break free of this awful cycle of being ok and being six feet under.
Another Crappy Day
I have been in a depressive funk for the past few days. It started with a CES accident and has not let up since. Most days I do not think I have CES because my symptoms are minor and the burning in my legs have dwindled for the past week for some reason, maybe because I have gone back on my mood stabilizer. Well the mood stabilizer has done nothing to stabilize my mood. I have gone off the deep end twice and have thought nothing of killing myself for no good reason. Anything that doesn’t go my way I am thinking of ending my life.
It started before New Years so I can’t say with certainty the holidays brought it on. Now I am dealing with voices. They are a low mumble right now. I hate them more than I hate being suicidally depressed. I think I might end up in the hospital if I can’t get the voices under control. I kind of stopped my meds last week because I was getting horrible side effects. Now I am back on them but it is going to take a couple days to work up to a therapeutic dose.
I had to reblog one of my blogs because it got spammed really bad. I was getting spam messages almost every day that had nothing to do with the content of what I was saying. It was depressing because it is a paper I worked hard on for the past few years. I know the blog world doesn’t think much about academic papers but I know I couldn’t get this published anywhere so a friend said to blog it. I have gotten good reviews from friends about it. I have gotten nothing since the reblog.
Yesterday I had 50 viewers on my site. Not bad as my average is usually 17-20 but no one left me any comments…
Yesterday I went out to read and lost the book I was reading. It fell out of my bag and left me really depressed. It is a book about suicide and I was getting to the “good” part of what the underlying cause of my suicidality is. I feel like such an idiot for losing it (I forgot to close my bag after putting it back in). I suppose I could go to the bus stop tomorrow and see if anyone has turned it in. Most likely someone just threw it away. The thing that really stinks is that it is an autographed copy. I got the book when the American Association of Suicidology was in Boston for their annual conference. I have ordered another copy on Amazon but it is a paperback and I had the hardcover. I like hardcovers better than paperbacks. It is so depressing.
I must have thought a million times to page my psychiatrist or my therapist because my mood has dropped twenty degrees in the past 48 hours. I just don’t know what to do. I know part of it is because I still have my menses which I shouldn’t have. It is messing me up with the whole transgender thing. I am a male and should not be getting menses. I am in the wrong body. I am so upset I have thought about cutting to soothe myself but I don’t want anyone to see my scars. I have little ones that will harp on it like a bat out of hell. And I don’t want to worry my family so I suffer. It’s not like talking about it is going to help anyways.
midnightdemons7 
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