Tag: mental pain

Painfully slow day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Painfully slow day

If you ever want to look at the definition of psychomotor retardation, today I was the clear picture of it. I could not move fast to save my life. Every thing is in slow motion. I slept for most of the day after my groceries were delivered. I was able to take a shower and then planned on seeing my father but it didn’t happen. I was too sleepy after the shower to even think about getting dressed. My thoughts are again slower than molasses. I had some time to write before my sister picks me up to go to the hospital.

I just feel like shit. This has to be the worse depression I have had. I have never been a slow person before. Even making dinner tonight was a hassle. It must have taken me ten minutes to open the package of ribs just to place them in the baking pan to cook. I hate feeling like this and I feel so weepy, like if things don’t go my way, I am going to cry.

Things have never been this bad for me, that I can recall. I would give anything to be some what hypomanic right now just so this slowness goes away. It’s so painful not to have your thoughts at normal speed. I keep staring at the cursor and wonder what will come next but nothing is there. I have this huge sadness on my chest and I just want to sleep it away.

No Relief in Sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No Relief in Sight

I am getting tortured. My soul aches, my ankle is throbbing, and my heart is heavy. I have tried to keep up with the pain but soon as it settles down and I think it’s safe to walk or stand, I am fooled. Then I am hurting twice as much as before. I have been taking my pain meds every few hours. I think I might have to take the stronger pain med tonight to see if I can get relief.

I hate feeling pain all day. I know it’s because I did a lot three days in a row without a break. I am paying for it now. I rather just deal with the depression though. It is the lesser evil. The physical pain will lessen with meds, eventually. I just got to play with doses and that is always difficult. I might take some Neurontin and see if that helps with my pain. It won’t hurt. And it might keep the weird dreams at bay. I usually don’t dream when I take Neurontin.

I keep thinking about death, my own and my father’s. There is no escaping it. Question is, who will die first, me or him. I really think I might go before him if this depression doesn’t resolve itself. It just really sucks that I have to wait another 10 days or so before I know if the meds are going to work. The hopelessness is getting stronger and as it does, my thoughts of death increase. I have been texting my therapist to fill her in on what is going on. I kind of wish I was seeing her Monday. But I know she has a full schedule so I probably won’t.

I have so much hurt inside and I don’t know where it is coming from. It’s like my father’s fluid build up, where don’t know where it is coming from and so it is with my heart ache. I hurt and there is no reason for it. What is worse is that there is nothing I can take for it. Maybe I should have gone on Cymbalta. That is supposed to help with the psychache of depression. I just don’t know why there has to be mental pain when you are depressed. I mean, really? You are already suffering, why add to it? And it’s not a pain that can be measured. Well, technically it can be, but that is just research use not clinically. Mental health professionals rarely use a pain scale with psychache. And that is if they are aware of mental pain. My therapist knows to ask about it because I have done the research. To her, I am a suicidologist. I might not have a degree but I feel that my study into suicide qualifies me as a suicidologist. My library is stocked with suicide books.

I am supposed to do a review of one of my suicide books but I haven’t found the energy to read it. I am so bogged down with negative emotion that it’s hard to read, even my non-suicide books are difficult. I just don’t have the concentration I need to sit through it.

Recently, I joined Netflix and started watching Friends. I love that show. But I can’t binge watch like I used to be able to. Half way through the show I want to stop it and not watch it anymore. I just don’t have the attention span to watch the 25 minutes of the show. So I have been watching just one show a day if I feel up for it.

I hate being in physical pain. I wish there was a magic pill to stop whatever process it is that is causing this pain. But I never know what is causing this pain, just like my psychache. The docs think I have complex regional pain syndrome and I think that is a close diagnosis but I don’t fit into the diagnosis. I don’t have a change in coloration in my foot or ankle. I just have pain every day that goes from my ankle down into my foot.

I never washed my clothes. My mother had put the pans and stuff back on the washer and I just didn’t feel like moving them. So I just put my clothes in the hamper for the next washing. I have other clothes that I can wear. Monday we are supposed to get hit with some kind of storm but the weather man keeps changing the story so I don’t think it’s going to hit Boston. I have to go out regardless as I need to see the NP for my pain meds. I hope by then the new PCP has signed the paperwork that I need. I haven’t heard anything yet and they were supposed to call me when it is ready to be picked up. I think that is another reason why my physical pain is so bad. Something is going to hit and I am feeling it. I am a human barometer. I also never took a shower. I am hurting too much to stand and it’s just not worth it tonight.

The Sox did win today. Luckily, they were rained out after the game was “official”. This preserved the lead.

turn for the worse

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Turn for the worse

I’m feeling extremely low right now. I just read a blog by my favorite actor, Wil Wheaton. He wrote about his depression and I feel so bad about it. It really sucks that he suffers from it like I do. I worry that some day he might take his life during one of his lows.

I am feeling hopeless. I got thoughts swirling around my brain about death and dying. I wish I never flipped through the book and found that stupid lethal dose table. I can’t get the thoughts of overdosing out of my head and now I have a handbook on exactly how much I should take based on my weight. It will take some calculations, but I can do it. I am so tired, just like Wil.

This has gone on for two months now. I don’t think I am ever going to feel any better. I know it’s too early to say whether the antidepressant is going to help me but I doubt it is going to work. I don’t know if I should bother taking it. I just feel so hopeless, like nothing is ever going to feel right again.

The heaviness is back in my chest again. It’s like this huge weight that presses upon me, making it hard to take air in and out. It lingers and stays put, never moving or altering it’s position. It’s just there. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate everything. Nothing brings me joy or pleasure. Food shopping is probably the only thing that I find fun. I order all this stuff and then go back over it when I am not hungry and take things off it. I ordered ribs at $17 a rack. But it’s been so long since I have had them, it might stay on my order.

I have such a strange relationship with food these days. I will either not eat anything or I will eat just small things all day and be bloated. I will crave a certain food but then when it’s cooked up, I can’t eat all of it. Even if it’s a sandwich, I will eat half and then be full. My therapist thinks my stomach has shrunk because I haven’t been eating regularly. But then, I need to lose weight so I don’t mind the give and take go round. I just wish it could be on a steady keel. Like eating small meals every day and not getting the hungry horrors any day. It really sucks.

The fatigue from the depression is the worse. I feel like I could sleep for days but I hardly sleep. Then I will have a day or two where all I do is sleep. I sometimes don’t sleep at night but I will sleep during the day. If I didn’t have to see my father today, I know I would have been in bed all day. I am just so exhausted and I haven’t done anything to warrant it. But then, being in chronic pain doesn’t help. It also sucks the energy right out of you.

I just don’t want to be anymore. I still wonder what it will be like to take my BP medication, all of it and see if it causes an event. I don’t know if it will kill me. Might make me sick and that is what keeps me from doing it. I have tried not to think about these things but being really depressed makes you think of these things. I just want an escape. I am feeling trapped, emotionally, like I am in a prison and there is no way I can break out. My heart hurts so bad. Yet it continues to beat like nothing is going on. My autonomic nervous system doesn’t know that I am dead inside.

I should kill myself. Maybe I should plan another date.

heart doesn’t know to stop beating

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Visited my father. It’s been one thing after another today. He was not in a talkative mood when we came by to see him. I think it was because he was hungry. He had half of the chicken they served for lunch and then he was full. He didn’t drink too much while we were there. My sister tried to get him to drink water but nope. He needs to undergo more testing and then he might be home Monday.

I am hurting. I am starting to think that going out today was probably not a good idea. I did a lot of walking. My ankle and foot are screaming at me. I had gone to the Square to get my Starbucks. I had a soy latte and did some writing in my journal. Then went to see my father. I was falling asleep on the train. I wanted to continue the train ride to the end of the stop rather than getting off, but I had to see my father and get a better understanding of what the plan was.

I have been feeling really depressed the past few days, more so than usual. I keep thinking of the loss of my father but I really can’t imagine it happening anytime soon. I was talking to a friend and she says I got to deal with it. I can’t right now. I haven’t thought about suicide or anything. I still don’t want to be here but killing myself is too much trouble. Soon as I can make it easy I will try though. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I am going to get better. I mean, how many depressive episodes am I to endure? My psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s a disability but I can’t work, I don’t have energy for self-care. I barely shower when I have these episodes or brush my teeth. I feel like death except I am alive. My heart just doesn’t know to stop beating. I am in chronic pain all the time, which doesn’t help the depressions because they feed off each other. I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

I don’t think I will be visiting my father tomorrow unless my sister gives me a ride in. Taking public transportation has just been too much. I am in so much pain. I am exhausted from waiting around and then dealing with the stress of my father’s temperament. You never know if he is going to explode or not. And he wants everything done quickly. I really want my depression to be gone as quickly as it came but I have a feeling it’s going to be sticking around for sometime. I am not hopeful that the sertraline is going to help. I am still at a baby dose. I don’t increase it till Monday. Waiting is something I should be used to with this thing but I am just like my father in that I want to be better now, not later. Unfortunately, that’s not how mental illness works. With my father, he isn’t going to get better. He is going to get worse and then die. I wish I had that luxury, too.