Tag: mental pain

Random 234

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 234

I haven’t been able to nap all day. It’s probably going to be a long day if I don’t get some sleep. My back has been bothering me most of the day more than my thigh or foot/ankle. I guess it didn’t like it when I emptied my trash can in my room. So my plans for going out today got smashed to smithereens. I think I am getting a cold anyways so resting is probably the best thing I can do for now. I also increased my vitamin D. I really don’t want to get a chest thing. I hate having a cold. It’s evil. And there is nothing you can do about it until it passes. But my sleep being off and not really drinking enough has really brought my defenses down. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea in a little bit.

I was reading Twitter and the Menninger Clinic published some data that proved some data decreased depression. I read the article and the inpatient length of stay was 45 days. I had to fricken laugh because you are lucky to be inpatient for at least 48 hours around here. If I was hospitalized for 45 days or so, I think my depression might decrease as well. Even if you have the best insurance, you are not going to be hospitalized or receive “treatment” on an inpatient unit for 45 days and you are definitely not going to get any follow up care. There just aren’t enough psych units or beds to hold someone for 45 days. There are enough backups in the psych ED and other hospital ERs that are looking for beds. There is a real crisis and I don’t think these outcomes this particular clinic has is representative of the system. And if they think they are, they are just fooling themselves.

I didn’t receive a call from my doctor’s office like I was supposed to. I didn’t call either. I will wait till I see my PCP on Wednesday. It’s going to be a lot to cram in as it’s my last visit with him. I might call on Monday and see what the hold up is. I knew getting seen within a week was a fallacy, especially when I didn’t see my doctor to begin with. I’m too depressed to care.

I’m tired of fighting pain all the time. I don’t know when my back pain is going to get resolved. I will have a conniption if I am sent back to physical therapy for it. I can do the exercises at home, I know them by heart. It won’t help at all and might even harm me. I think I just need a good massage, especially in the back of my hip.

I still want to go ahead with my plan to end my life. I just don’t see the point of going on when I am either facing increased pain and misery or going under the knife again and facing permanent disability again. I just can’t face it.

Moods Have Changed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Moods have changed

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up like every two hours. I had to change position because I was in pain. It totally sucked. Around 0830, I thought I would shower but my mother was in the bathroom. So I decided to wait. Then I had to go and it wasn’t pleasant. I was still in pain every time I had a number 2. Seems like today is shit day because that is all I have been doing since 0900. I wanted to go out but that is not possible. I went to Walgreens okay but that is a short walk. I have two extremes, loose soft/diarrhea stools or hard as rocks stools. Even with the senna, I don’t have a medium. Only time I have one is when I have regular movements which seem far and in between. I am so damn miserable.

I had therapy today and we talked about all that has happened since we last talked. We talked about the insults my father gave me, the drinking, and, inevitably, my suicidality. I have picked a date and I am moving towards a plan. Fuck this pain shit. Fuck my father. I can’t stand either, one more than the other, you choose which. I don’t care anymore. She wanted me to come out to see her but I don’t have the funds to. I don’t get paid till my birthday. I will be dead by then, I hope.

We talked about my writing. She asked what will become of it once I am gone. I told her it will just stay on my laptop. No one will do anything with it. Right now, my “book” is barely fifty pages. No one knows the files. I am not that organized. And besides, some of the stuff is on my blog anyways so anyone could make a book out of it. I just don’t care anymore.

My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that wouldn’t make me so suicidal. I didn’t have an answer for her. She then asked what my reasons for living were. I told her none. I hate when she goes through these things. It always makes me feel a little guilty. And that is all that she was trying to do, was lay a guilt trip on me so I would continue to be. Why would I want to live when every time I have a damn bowel movement, I have pain as well, sometimes for hours? She brought up getting an MRI but I am too scared to know the results. I know there have been changes in my back. I can feel it. Whether or not it requires surgery, that is a different matter. And I am copping out before I know the truth. I see my PCP next week and we have a lot to discuss. I doubt MRI is going to be on the agenda. It’s going to be our last meeting as he is leaving. My thigh pain seemed to have settled down, which has settled down my PTSD symptoms. But I am tired of being in pain or wondering when I am going to get hit with CES x 3. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I am on a shaky rope and someone has finally cut the other end of it. I am dangling at the edge and no one sees it or can help me get up. So I am giving up. I will fall to my death.

Mensch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Mensch

My therapist and I were talking about my suicidality and she called me a mensch. At first, I thought she said wench and I was like wow, she is calling me a bad name for the first time. But when I asked her to repeat it, she said Mensch, with an “m”. She looked it up in her dictionary to find the meaning. I laughed because she had the book not an electronic one on her phone like most people now a days. I sometimes forget they still exist. Anyways, the word mensch means “person of integrity and honor”. I had to look up the spelling of the word (as I had no clue how to spell Jewish words. She said it was a Jewish word.) Leave it to her to call me that when I feel like crap. It does fit me, though I would always be expected to be called something other than that, given how I feel.

Time went slower today in session than it did yesterday. We were talking about how my father always gives me a hard time and just expects me to jump when he calls. He called today and wanted me to go over to his house for his meds as he was out. I couldn’t go because my ankle was a bitch. It was raining anyways, which didn’t help my pain levels at all. I asked my sister to go as she works down the street from him. I told her what he needed for tonight and I would fill the rest tomorrow. She texted back that he was running low on one of his meds. Great. I would either have to call the pharmacy or the doctor’s office tomorrow. I won’t know until I get there. He didn’t care that I was in pain. How typical. All this guy cares about is himself and his needs. Makes me sick.

So my therapist talked about this for a while. We also talked about me not wanting to be around for my birthday that is coming up in a couple weeks. She told me it is unlikely that I will be talking to her that day. Her daughter has a half day of school and she needs to be out of the office to pick her up. She has a short week that week so I don’t know if we can schedule another time. Not that it really matters. I really don’t want anyone making a fuss about it. My family included. They are planning this big party but they aren’t sure where they are going to have it. I don’t even know when or where it is going to be. I told them I would rather just have it with just my immediate family members (my nieces, nephew, mother, father, and sisters) than have it with extended family. But my sisters are not hearing me. It’s making me upset. I rather they do it at my youngest sister’s place when her kitchen is all finished. I’ll still be the same number so what is the big deal? And with me just not wanting to be here anyway, it’s just increasing my suicidality.

I finished off the SSD paperwork and will be mailing it in tomorrow. I wasn’t leaving the house today unless it was burning down. I just hurt too much. My therapist was happy with what I wrote. I just hope that the SSD people see that I am still disabled. I might not have been in the hospital for a year now, but that is the only improvement. I might have to be if this birthday thing gets worse. I was also telling my therapist that I don’t want to be here because of the increase in pain and would try something after I say goodbye to my PCP for the last time. He is leaving the practice and I will be seeing someone I don’t know. I just can’t deal with change and stress. My therapist pointed out that she is not going anywhere and that I can’t leave my pdoc hanging while she is recovering from surgery. Usually her saying these things makes me re-think things about my death but not this time. I think I am in deep constriction and I want a way out. Come to think of it, talking to her the same day as the day I see my PCP will be the last time I talk to her, too. Only thing is, I don’t really have a plan. Going to have to think of one between now and then.

After our session, I took some pain meds as my ankle was really hurting. I was waiting for the session to end to take them because I didn’t want to be loopy Lou while talking to her. I’m still feeling loopy Lou because I haven’t been able to sleep off the meds. I just can’t seem to fall asleep when I lie down. If I am sitting up, I am dozing off but soon as I lie down, forget it, I am awake. I have gotten so used to my pain waking me up and startling me that I think lying down just gives me flashbacks and I am unable to relax enough to sleep. That is why it takes me so damn long to actually fall asleep sometimes. Last night despite me telling Twitter world that I was passing out, it took me at least an hour to actually do so. It really sucks having PTSD.

Hurting Really Bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting really bad

I went out to have dinner with my friend. I am paying the price because I was standing/walking too long while waiting for him. I was early and I was hot as I got stuck on a warm train so I didn’t go into the restaurant to sit and wait for him. I was at my boiling point and really wanted to take off not only my jacket but also my sweater and be just in a t-shirt. I felt funny going to that level and didn’t go there. But the pain that I am feeling right now, I don’t want to go out the rest of the week. Unfortunately I have to and that is killing me. I don’t have to go out tomorrow so I am having a rest day. I am doing two, possibly three things tomorrow: having therapy, calling my father to remind him of his appointment, and possibly call the dentist if I remember. I need a cleaning as it’s been almost two years. I hate the dentist.

Like I thought, my therapy appointment went by so fast and we talked a lot about everything that went on between last Wednesday and today. She does think I had some kind of withdrawal thing going on, though it isn’t too clear because I also didn’t eat and it could have been hypoglycemia as well. We talked about the SSD review that I am under. If she doesn’t think I should add something more to what I already wrote, then I will mail it Thursday when I am out and about again. I am not looking forward to it. I hope that my father doesn’t need a damn wheelchair because I might just run him over with it. I also need to go to his house after his medical appointment to do his fucking meds. I had a hard time filling my meds this week. I just was too depressed to fill it for the week. So I played hodgepodge. I just took what I felt like taking but I filled it before I left the house to have dinner with my friend.

I had a nice time out. It’s a shame that it ended with my ankle flaring up. Right now the pain is at an 8/9 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst pain. If it goes up a notch or two, I am going to have to take the strong pain pill again. If I do, I can kiss having a BM this week goodbye. I just will be too constipated. Hate this side effect of my pain meds. Having a BM is so painful, sometimes I just want to die because it hurts so bad. Add in being constipated and hard stools and I really want to kill myself.