If anyone wants to read and review my book, please comment. Book is available where ever books are sold, including amazon.com
Tag: mental pain
Weird dreams again and the SSF
I am having a horrible day. My day literally started at 0100. I slept for a few hours, from 2200 to 0100 and I was up for the night. I went back to sleep around dawn. Was up for a few hours and then tried to get back to sleep around 0800 or 0900. Fail. I finally gave up around 1130. In the times that I did sleep, I had another weird dream about children and elevators. It was winter time and we were going to take the children sledding but the elevator malfunctioned and we ended up at a hospital that was at an airport. I don’t know what that is about. Absolutely makes no sense. Other than me possibly wanting to get away either through an airport or a hospital admission. I don’t know.
I had therapy and we talked about the weird dream and me not sleeping. I told her I am getting to my wits end. The heat is not helping. I still have to clear a path for my bro in law to install the AC. Maybe I will do that after I write this blog. We also talked about my suicidality and the need to attempt suicide. I don’t know why I feel like this. I just feel like everybody will be better off without me. I just feel so low and useless. I know my sister needs me because I have to pick up my niece next week. She doesn’t have the after school program anymore. But I just hope my ankle doesn’t flare up other wise I will be in pain and I am not looking forward to that. I just wish I wasn’t in pain every single day. I have not had a “day off” from pain in weeks.
So because I am thinking of an attempt, my therapist is taking out the old SSF to assess where I am at. She will do this assessment tomorrow. The SSF (Suicide Status Form) is an assessment used to assess and evaluate suicidality. In addition to this assessment, it also lists goals of treatment that both the clinician and client agree upon. The beauty of this assessment is that it allows collaboration in the treatment of suicidality rather than have the clinician be the expert. And the assessment is easier for the clinician as it also lists all the necessary documentation you would need for a session such as Axis diagnosis, progress notes, and date of next appointment.
The SSF was developed by a suicidologist, my idol, Dr. David Jobes. He developed this assessment so that clients that were suicidal did not get “lost” in the system and were treated as equals in their treatment, rather than have treatment as usual. To learn more about this, check out his book on the subject, Managing Suicidal Risk. It is a great book and also teaches you how to score the assessment at the end of the book. There are also classes you can take. His assessment tool follows under his framework, CAMS, Collaborating and Assessing Management of Suicidality. I write a lot about his work on my blog because I can’t stress the importance of suicide prevention. And this is one tool to do that.
So my therapist is pulling out this assessment tool on me tomorrow. I am not happy about it. I know how to “cheat” on it as I am the one to bring it to her attention. She is not proficient in promoting it despite my several attempts for her to go to Jobes’s workshops. She feels, like many therapists, that her training is adequate (it’s not) and she does not want to be a suicidologist. I am not asking her to change her ways, just add to her skill set. Every time she brings it out, I cringe because I know she doesn’t use it all the way through and that pisses me off. I feel like it is a waste of time because it is not used properly.
Rant continues from last night, but no suicidality
Rant continues from last night, but no suicidality
I didn’t fall asleep until around 0300, woke up around 0630, and then finally at 0930 I gave up. It was a really bad night with side effects and pain. My arms and legs felt like they were being stretched. The spasticity was incredible. But luckily the Ativan did its magic and I got some relief. Too bad it also didn’t knock me out. The ball game ended around 0230. I figured I might as well listen to the game as I was up and they were playing extra innings in an already delayed game. We lost because an ineffective relief pitcher likes to give up homeruns. Every single time this guy is up, he gives up a homerun. Soon as he was called in with two men on you knew the game was over. I got pissed off but what can you do really. I sent some obnoxious tweets about the game, least I think I did. I was tweeting most of the night, either on my phone or on my computer.
Had therapy today and my therapist was in more of a talking mood than I was. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. That really pissed me off. I wanted to talk about stuff, like my suicidality going on hiatus, but never really got the chance. Last night is usually a night where the demons come out and I become really suicidal but I never did. I don’t know why that is. It is strange to me. I am not saying I would have ended my life last night, but I am just wondering where the suicidality went. It was like the furthest thing from my mind. Maybe my coping strategies have improved around my physical pain. I certainly wasn’t feeling psychache, or psychological pain, last night, not even in the wee hours of the morning. I wasn’t hopeless about my situation and I think that is a key component. If I felt like the spasticity was going to go on forever or that the physical pain was unbearable, I think I might have become suicidal.
I told my therapist it is weird not being suicidal. She went off with her psychobabble about why that is. I don’t even remember half of what she said. I wasn’t really paying attention to her. But the gist is she thinks that the Cymbalta gave me a lift that neither one of us was expecting. She thinks I might be a little hypomanic as I texted her more frequently than I have in the past but that was because I was hurting and wanted her to know. I wanted someone to know that I was in bad shape. Who else you gonna tell at 0200?? I don’t think that I am hypomanic. I am eating. I am not euphoric or in a real good mood. I still feel run down but that is probably because my allergies are killing me. I feel okay. I am not terribly depressed and I am not terribly feeling up. I am just somewhere in the middle. I feel content, I guess you can say. I just hope it lasts. I know it won’t though. Something always happens to bring me down. Or maybe the effects of the Cymbalta will wear off and I will just feel down again. But I will deal with it when it comes. It is rare that I feel this way. I am not hopeful that things will stay this way but I am not going to knock it.
Feeling suicidal has been a such a big part of my life that when I am not feeling it, it feels weird. I wonder if this is how “normal” people feel. I just don’t feel so dragged down by stuff. I don’t know, maybe I just feel free but free from what, I don’t know. I am realizing that my parents don’t know me and never will. And being suicidal because I didn’t have their approval hurt really bad. But I will never have their approval. A friend of mine sent me a link saying that Medicare is banning transgender reassignment surgery. I feel really down about this, not saying that I was going to have it, but I would have liked the option now that I am on Medicare. Seems like I have to put my transgender stuff on hold, again. I can never move forward with it like I want to. I should be in a suicidal crisis because of this but I am not. I think I am just waiting for my chance to die. The other day as I was crossing the street, a semi was coming down the road. I quickly thought, “this is my chance”. But he wasn’t going fast enough. I knew that if I did jump in front I would have survived. And I might be in worst condition than I am now. So some suicidal elements are present. It just isn’t 24/7 like it used to be.
No Rest for the Weary
No Rest for the weary
I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.
I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.
I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.
So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.
Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.
It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.
midnightdemons7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.