Tag: mood disorders

Nice day and better mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nice day and better mood

Yesterday I was swimming in despair and today I felt like I was on top of the world. It’s like night and day. Unreal. I hope my mood stays up. I really don’t want another low low. I went out twice today. I went to the post office and was dressed to warmly. I came home and changed to shorts and then caught the next bus to the square. I had a caramel macchiato and a java chip frap. I was going to work on my blog project but my mind was all over the place. I mostly just wrote in my journal.

It’s a BAD thing to have the Amazon app on my phone. Last night I had a hard time sleeping despite being drowsy around 2130. Around 0300 I am buying pens. I must have bought seven different kinds of pens, all the same ink, all the same brand but different points. I wanted to replace the Jetstream sport pen that I bought but I couldn’t find it. I have only 2 pens left in the box. I write a lot with them. I try alternating my pens so that each has their fair share of writing but I have favorites so I might use one pen style more than the other. I really like the sport. I am going to have to Google it to find it.

After Starbucks, I went to the butcher’s shop to buy some burgers and fish. My mother wanted fish for tomorrow so I got it. She might not be happy with the price but I don’t care. It’s been a while since I had cod and I want it. It’s my money anyway. I paid like eight bucks for it so it wasn’t that expensive.

I wanted to have ribs today but I just couldn’t bring myself to make it. I had a frozen dinner instead. I had bought two packages of ribs because they were on sale. I’ll probably make it tomorrow. I bought the burgers for the weekend. Maybe I can bribe my nephew over and we can watch the game while eating them.

I feel like a shitbag because I haven’t finished my blog project. I haven’t touched it in over a week now. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s not that difficult but I just can’t find the motivation to read and take notes. I guess when you have these self made projects with no one giving you a deadline or pushing you but you it’s hard to do. I am going to try tomorrow but I am not sure. It’s supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow and I want to go to my spot to see if I can walk there and back. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon for a check in. Hope my mood stays up so I can do things.

Last night as I was feeling kind of low, I decided to buy the complete series of Star Trek: the Next Generation. I think it will do me good to watch the show again. I really miss the distraction it provides. I just hope I don’t dissociate or the voices become out of control. That was one of the reasons why I had to stop watching the show, it made me psychotic and delusional. But it’s been years since I have watched it so I am hoping nothing will happen again. It might just feel like coming home. I miss the show so much. It was the first show where I knew all the actors and actresses by name and character. I had a crew picture on my wall in my bedroom as a teen when the show first came out. I also read the books. I had a pretty good collection going, my favorite authors being Peter David and Michael Jan Friedman. The other authors weren’t as good and were hard to read or were just plain boring. I actually had the pleasure of meeting Peter David at a con in Boston some years ago. He is pretty funny.

Protected: plans and dates

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

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cold dreary raw day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold dreary raw day

My groceries came earlier than the scheduled time. I was glad. I feel like shit and just wanted to rest. It’s cold and rainy out so I really don’t feel like leaving the house. I want to make my ribs but I don’t even have energy for that. I just feel so depressed today. I emailed my psychiatrist about things. I don’t think she will be able to do much for me. She wants me to go into the hospital but I don’t feel like bothering. I wish just wishing to die would work.

It takes about 20 minutes to heat up the ribs. I wish I had the energy to do it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and sleep. My bad ankle is acting up because of the weather. It doesn’t like the cold and it doesn’t like the rain/dampness. I feel so out of touch with reality, like things are moving in slow motion today. I was fine when I put my groceries away and now I just feel like a lump on a log, a sorry excuse for a human being.

I am in so much pain today that I can’t make myself something to eat. I told my psychiatrist this. She was willing to send EMS to my house to get me to the hospital. I told her I don’t want to go. They won’t help me. No one can really help me. I am just going through the motions of living, whatever that is. I don’t know why things are so bad today. I keep crying but I don’t have any emotions that are with it. I guess I am just frustrated. So damn frustrated that I am in pain and I don’t have any relief. Yes, I could take my pain meds but it won’t help my psychache at all, no matter how many I take.

I haven’t felt psychache this bad in months. I don’t know why today it’s hitting me so hard. It’s like a crushing weight on my chest and I can’t breathe. I know I might feel better if I eat something. Sometimes low blood sugar can cause my emotions to be hundred time worse than what they really are. I just don’t have any motivation to get out of bed, turn the oven on, wait for it to preheat, take the ribs out of the package (a real hassle because you don’t want the BBQ sauce to get every where), and then put them on the pan. Too many spoons for one simple meal. I don’t need to make sides or anything, though I did think of making biscuits. I bought them a month ago. I hope they are still good. They are still in a can and you just bake them for like 20 minutes or so.

My Australian friend’s package has arrived today. I will ship it out tomorrow. There is no way I am doing it today. I will let him know it came and that I will ship it out soon. I feel so depleted today. I just want to sleep. I am going to try and make the ribs first. I need something to eat as I am hungry. I hope it makes me feel a little better afterwards.

year anniversary of the death of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

It’s been a year since my father passed away. All day I have been thinking about him and the events that went on that day. I feel really sad.

My therapist wanted me to do something nice for myself so I went to Starbucks and ordered my favorite latte and a breakfast sandwich. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was coming to me. I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Walking there was okay. Then walking back to the train station, my right ankle started bothering me. I felt like going up to the ankle service as I was at MGH to make an appointment with the chief of the service but I didn’t. I just wanted to go home.

I had a half hour before the next bus and didn’t want to wait so I took a cab to walgreens. I left my prescription and said I would be back in an hour. I came home and felt really shitty. Both ankles were bothering me and I couldn’t stand it. I hobbled up the stairs, got the mail. I had to use the bathroom and then I went up to my room. I took three pain meds and 800 mg of ibuprofen. I am in serious pain. It started raining.

I had to call my psychiatrist so I did. I waited for her to call back. We talked for a bit. I told her I would call the ankle service to set up an appointment. I had to get on the computer to get the chief’s name as I couldn’t remember it. I called and even though I specified that I wanted the appointment with the chief, the secretary gave me the appointment with his PA. Asshole. It’s in a few weeks.

I just got notification that my prescriptions are ready. I need a nap. I will probably pick them up later after dinner. I am so tired. Being in chronic pain just takes so much out of you. I feel like a weakling because I just don’t have the stamina I once had to do things. It really depresses me that things I was able to do, I can’t do anymore. It’s very frustrating. I need a nap and then I am more tired than I was before the nap. It’s also frustrating because they are working on the damn house in the street over and they are so damn noisy. They are rebuilding the whole damn thing, it sounds like. Every day there is hammering and sawing. So hard to rest when you hear the noise.

I have been having intrusive memories most of the day. I keep remembering stuff that happened this day last year with the death of my father. I don’t know if I will ever get over his loss. There are so many mixed feelings I have for my father and none of it is good. He was an asshole and a miserable person who only thought of himself. He was vain and loved to stare at pictures of himself. He always had to dress in a shirt and dress pants. He never owned sweatpants or jeans. He always called me fat and ugly. No one contradicted him so I believed him. I still do and probably always will.