Tag: painsomnia

Early morning post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around a half hour ago because my bladder said so. My teeth hurt so I took some ibuprofen. I also have nerve pain so I took some neurontin. Don’t think that was a good idea as I want to leave the house early but we’ll see.

Was having a weird dream. Someone in my house needed speech therapy and we all had to go through it. Who it was, I am not sure. I also had a pressing home that I had to leave the house to see my girlfriend. This was the second dream I dreamt that I had to go to New York to see her. Weird because I don’t have any friends in N.Y. 

An old friend from childhood sent me a PM on Facebook. I responded. Haven’t talked to him in years. 

It is going to be a hot one today. The house is already humid. Yuck. I really hate summer. I wish I could say that it will be over soon but I read somewhere that it will be hot until November. Great. No fall weather.

Don’t know what is going on with my ankle but it has been quiet, except for the nerve pain. I haven’t had physical pain since Wed. Hope that continues but I know it can change in a heartbeat. And I will be going out today so anything can happen. I just hope my pain levels are low enough so I can go on the cruise tomorrow.

Going to try to go back to sleep. Morpheus is calling me.

Can’t pass out due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

the 4 AM painsomnia blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The 4 AM Painsomnia blog

It is a little after 0400 and I still have not slept a wink. Pain is keeping me up. I have tried different drugs and was getting ready to settle down about a half hour ago, when I moved my ankle to get comfy and was rewarded with more pain. I am so tired, physically and mentally, of this crap. I don’t understand how normal movements of my ankle the way it is supposed to work are causing me loads of pain. It doesn’t make sense. Maybe my neuro can help me. I see her in a couple of weeks.

I have been adding apps to my phone. I still haven’t made the playlists on my MP3 player. That will involve my old phone and mega time. I actually don’t know if the songs will be on the old phone because I took out the storage card. It had all my music on it. Will really suck if I have to create each playlist and then try to remember what songs were in it. I had a good list going, too. Should have written it down before pulling the card out. Oh well.

I took my pain meds a little while ago, before my pain really hit skyrocket levels. I am debating on taking the strong pain med and another Ativan. With any luck I will be asleep by 0530. I hate when I am up all night. I probably will be sleeping all morning and into the afternoon again. I feel like waking my mother up and telling her I am going to sleep now so she has some idea that I don’t sleep when I am in my room. I could do it just to be a bastard.

I think the CRPS is spreading up my leg. Lately, I have been getting pains above my ankle, nerve pain, on the same side where my ankle hurts and where originally the swelling was greatest. It hasn’t hurt like that in a while so I thought it had gone away. Now it doesn’t seem to be the case. It just causes me to have hypervigilance and anxiety with my PTSD symptoms. That’s why I wanted to take the strong pain med and Ativan. Kill two birds with one stone. And it might help me doze off.

I keep trying to ignore the pain but it is throbbing and it changes and moves all over the place. One side of my foot will feel one thing, the top of my foot will feel another. My toes will feel something else and my ankle will just have several kinds of pain all at once. It can be up, down, and all around. There is no rhyme or reason to it, which is so frustrating. I took some Neurontin for the burning pain and applied Lidocaine so numb it. Then I move my ankle to get comfy and was overwhelmed with pain again just as I thought it was finally settling down. Fucker. It’s awake so so am I.

I took the meds. Fuck it. I need relief and sleep. I got to wait an hour or so for the Ativan to work. I was watching videos on Facebook. One of them was about how to cook eggs easily. It showed how to unpeel a boiled egg in a container after putting some water and then shaking it with a cover on the container. It was cool. Also showed how to make a poached egg in the microwave. I’ll have to see it again to learn how. I like poached eggs once in a while but they can be messy when you make it by pan. I saved the link so I have it in my saved thingy. I really like that option.

My sister thawed out burgers so she will be making them today. I know I am going to have a couple! That is my favorite summer food. I want to buy the grill thingy that you put on the stove to grill things without mess. I should have written down the number or the website. Maybe they will have it at Walgreens in the “shown on tv” section. It would be awesome to make grilled stuff year round. So when I wake up from my “nap”, the food should be ready, lol. I wish I had bought cole slaw with my grocery order. Maybe I will get it when I go grocery shopping later today. I need to get my bread that wasn’t delivered. My mother buys wheat bread, which is okay, but I like multigrain bread. It just tastes good. I also plan on buying some deli turkey breast. Boar’s Head just came out with a new kind called Maple Honey Turkey breast. I want to try it. I also want to get more ribs. They are so good.

I know I take a lot of psych meds, but having to take all these pain meds drives me nuts. It’s only because the pain changes so I need to adjust the dose or take lidocaine or Neurontin more because I know the opioids won’t respond to it. I never get to a zero but a three would be nice every once in a while. Someone liked one of my low pain tweets about wanting to shower on Twitter. It was back in June. Long time since that day. I think the weather has caused my pain to spike. It decreased another 10 degrees. It’s 57 degrees F right now. It was 70 degrees when I woke up at 1415, so many hours ago. So what is that, 13 degrees in a little more than 12 hours? No wonder I am in pain. Fucking human barometer I am. SUCKS!!

telling a turtle to run fast

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Telling a turtle to run fast

I woke up in the middle of the night due to pain. I took some meds and then had something to eat. I couldn’t go back to sleep so decided to set up my new phone. I had charged it while I was sleeping. There were plenty of updates like the phone I was giving my niece. It took a while for every thing to download. I think I finally went back to sleep around 0600. I woke up around 1415. I had a bad dream that I was diagnosed with lymphoma and was telling my father’s side of the family. In the dream, my cousin was my doctor (which is weird because in real life, he’s an architect). I woke up after we hugged one another. It was very strange.

I went down to go to the bathroom and then make coffee. I asked my mother if she wanted a cup and she did. I made it and gave it to her. I then went upstairs with my coffee. As I was drinking it, I was updating my apps to my new phone. Some had transferred over and some didn’t. I didn’t realize I had a 64GB internal memory. That is neat. After I played with my phone and my coffee was half done, my sister wanted to see me so I went downstairs. I got to the bottom and my ankle gave out on me. Lovely. My mother makes some funny comment and I’m like whatever. Then she says I sleep too much. That pissed me off. I told her I am not sleeping at night and so I need to sleep during the day. I must tell her this nearly every day. I think the next time I wake up at 0300, I am going to wake her up so she knows I’m up and see how she likes it. I am so mad that she gives me no fucking support. I said so to my sister, and she said it’s like telling a turtle to run fast. It is still annoying.

I had some eggplant and some soup that was left over from the other night. I’m still kind of hungry so I might order a sub. I had to shut the AC off because it’s quite cool today. Luckily, my back isn’t hurting from the drop in temps. I don’t get how it can be this cool in July, but I will take it over scorching hot. It’s cloudy today, least it is now. I hope it doesn’t rain because I want to try and listen to the ball game.

My Hawaiian coffee came today. I will have it grounded on Monday and then have it Tuesday. I love this coffee. I am going to use it sparingly because it costs a lot but it’s worth it. Monday I see my dipshit therapist. I have no idea what to talk to him about other than how the hospital stay didn’t help me at all but keep me safe. It did annoy me to the point of giving in to my suicidal urges/tendencies. I haven’t acted on it while I have been out but I am still planning. The other therapy place hasn’t called me and because I slept most of the day yesterday, I didn’t call them like I wanted to. I will call Monday before I leave to see dipshit.

Before I went to bed last night, I called Sprint to see if the return kit was on its way. I wanted to make sure the idiot I was talking to did the right thing and that I don’t have three phones I am paying for. He said the kit will arrive on Monday as it takes 3-5 business days. As long as it’s on its way, that is all I need to know.

I put the otterbox and screen protector on my new phone while I was up around 5. It is much thinner than my other one. I tried not to get bubbles with the screen protector but I did. I am not that great at putting on protectors. I am hoping that this new phone will allow the functions of my Bluetooth headset to work. It didn’t work with my old phone. I seemed to have thrown the pin used to take the extended storage card out. I don’t know what happened to it after I used it. Hopefully I don’t need it again. The only thing that sucks about this phone compared to the old one is charging takes forever. It takes at least two hours to fully charge. I do like it in every other way. I found how to make different screens while I was updating my niece’s phone. My ringtone transferred over so I don’t have to change that. I hope it did for my contacts as well, though I don’t know because the ringtones are different. I have to find annoying ones for my mother and her crazy sister so I know who it is that calls me.