Tag: physical pain

Saturday Blog 66

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 66

I am having a low key day. I want to rest my ankle as much as possible so I am just sitting on my bed on the computer. I might watch “Lincoln” in a little bit. I love that movie. I was going to watch my football games but my mother had the rugs washed and you can’t go into the room for 24 hours. So she is watching in the kitchen, where I usually watch my sports. I might watch in her bedroom. Pain has been starting all day so I am not sure I will.

I woke up before 0700. I wasn’t in pain until I was fully aware of being awake. I played on the computer and was hoping to go back to sleep before the rug cleaners came but it didn’t happen. I didn’t go back to sleep until my mother left the house and it was quiet. I got up around noon and made coffee and had a pop tart. The pop tart didn’t hold me so then I made some fish and chips. My mother came home as I was waiting for the oven to pre-heat. She didn’t have lunch so I made her some fish sticks too. She started arguing with me about the fish, thinking we had fish filets but I had the last two and she didn’t know that. UGH. Which reminds me, I need to order some more fish sticks. So much for keeping my grocery bill under $150. I might take off some items. I like to click and then when I am not hungry edit the list. I am keeping the Boston coffee cake because who doesn’t like coffee cake!?

As we were waiting for the lunch to be ready, I was talking with my mother about pie pans. I plan on making a cake next weekend and I need 10 inch pie plate. She didn’t know how many inches the pan she uses for her yummy custard pie to I looked today and it’s 10 inches. I am glad because now I don’t have to buy one. It uses a lot of sugar so she probably is not going to have a slice of cake. She wanted me to make cupcakes but it’s not made for it so we had a discussion about it. I HATE making cupcakes or muffins because I can never get them right. They never fill the liners or deflate after they are out of the oven. It’s so frustrating. I still haven’t figured out how I am going to chop the cranberries for my cake. I might use my food processor, but I don’t want them too fine. I have a week to think about this. I would make them this weekend but I don’t have the ingredients and I really want to rest my ankle. I have been a baking machine the past few weekends. I think that is why I have been in so much pain because I haven’t allowed myself to rest in between days of activity. I need to be better about that.

Last night I sent a message to my support group on Facebook about my difficulty. I told them I was suicidal and that any condescending talk about it will not be tolerated. So of course one person wanted me in the hospital because of my state. Idiot. I didn’t respond and I didn’t delete the comment. My friends were great though because we talked about baseball and my friend from Australia kept on being “dumb” about the teams we were talking about. So I had to inform him of what we were talking about because it’s hard to read sarcasm. He can be a very sarcastic fellow. It was funny. I got some support and it was good because others have felt the same way though they never voiced it. The weird part is, the group is closed so I don’t know how new people are finding the group. I thought it would be cut off but I guess not. I hope people outside the group can’t read the messages. That would be so awful.

I will be going to a costume party next weekend. I asked my sister if I should bring food or dessert and she said dessert. I will be making my better than sex pumpkin cake. I love this cake. It’s very easy to make, which makes it even better. I just hope my pain levels are down so I can enjoy the party. It’s been so long since I have been invited some where, especially for Halloween. Now the question is, should I get my haircut or let it grow? It does need a trim as it’s been more than a month since my last cut. I got a good barber that I am comfortable with and the price is reasonable. Guess I will flip a coin and see how that goes…

I am beat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am beat

I left the house a couple hours before my psychiatrist’s appointment to have some blood work done. I thought a lipid panel was ordered so I fasted. It wasn’t ordered and I was starving by the time I got to the hospital. Figures. There was a wait for the blood vampires and I got one of my friends that I have known for years. Unfortunately, he has never drawn me before and had to stick me twice to get blood. After the poking and sticking, I left for Starbucks. I had about and hour to kill before my appointment. I got something to eat and my espresso. I then went back to the hospital and waited 45 minutes for my appointment. I wrote in my journal while I waited.

I wasn’t nervous until my doc was ready to see me. We talked more about pain control than about my psych issues. She wants me to take more of my strong pain pill than my regular ones because she said I was tolerant to the regular stuff. I didn’t think about that at all as being the reason why I needed so much more meds to calm my pain episodes down. She also is going to email the NP about my issues and see if they can do something for me, rather than just printing off my scripts and saying have a nice day. A monkey can do that.

She didn’t ask what my date was and I didn’t infer I had one. I am going to skip the date, for now and see if anything changes when I have my next pain management appointment with the NP. I see both my psych and the NP the same date, one before the other. Lovely. I should have had my psych appointment after the NP to let her know how it goes. I guess she will just have to get an email from me afterwards.

I missed the bus when I got back to the Square. I had to wait 45 minutes for the next one. I was not happy. My ankle was killing me and then my calf starting cramping up on me from the brace I was wearing. I forgot to put pain meds in my pill box so I went without. An idiotic move, I know. I wanted to get home quickly because my mother was cleaning and huffing and puffing while doing so. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I hated waiting and for some reason my damn Twitter app wouldn’t load new messages, even after I restarted my phone. I hated being twitterless. It helps pass the time. When I did restart, I got a flood of messages so my network must have been down on my phone, even though I had the bars. Weird.

My ankle is throbbing up a storm right now. I might have to take another pain pill. I don’t want to take the strong pain pill just for pain that is manageable. It’s like a 6 right now. I usually take the stronger pill when it’s above an 8. Course, the pain scale can be meaningless for those with chronic pain. My mother just called me saying she was making dinner, but I am not hungry. I really want a damn nap. I am tired after all the walking I did between the buildings of the hospital and going to Starbucks around the hospital, which was a few blocks away.

Mail had come as I was walking out the door this morning. I got my Star Trek shirt finally. I have been invited to a costume party for Halloween and so I will wear it for that. It’s not a real uniform, just a T-shirt with the logos of the Next Gen uni. I love it. I got to wash it though and hope it survives the first wash or I am going to be pissed. It’s got some kind of glittery things on the decals so that is why I am worried. I wish I knew where my real comm badge was. I did have the real uniform at one time but it ripped because I gained weight. I was really sad to throw it away. I kept the pins and the comm badge though but I haven’t seen it in years. Oh well. The place I bought the T-shirt is going to sell a real comm badge that is Bluetooth enabled so it works with your phone. If I live, that will be my reward. It comes out some time next month.

It was surprisingly humid today, which didn’t help my pain levels. Rain was in the forecast so I wore jeans instead of shorts as well as a button down shirt. I was sweating to death by the time I got to the train station. I was also cursing myself because I knew it was going to be near 70 today but thought with the rain it would be cool. I just wasn’t expecting humidity. Damn New England weather. Can never trust it. I have the AC cranking now to cool off. I am very glad I didn’t take it out when we had the low temps two weeks ago. Seems like Indian Summer is still around.

a midnight ramble about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A midnight ramble about pain

Guess what? I can’t fucking sleep. I am tired as all hell but my damn foot/ankle is giving me weird pains. I don’t know what to call them as it’s indescribable. I just know it hurts and it’s like it’s pinging because it will start and stop. Then my right ankle is curling up, by itself. That is painful. I had to take an Ativan to calm that shit down. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this because I am not sure it is a side effect of the trilafon or if it is just a fucking nerve thing because of the nerve damage I have suffered. Either way, it’s not pleasant.

I am so glad my city has early voting starting Monday. I am going to get there, though I haven’t quite figured out how yet. I know where City Hall is but as I can’t walk there, getting there by public transportation involves buses. What fun that is going to be. And tomorrow I need to renew my disability pass for the T or I am going to be screwed come Monday as my pass expires on Sunday. I should have gone today but I didn’t feel like it. I will go tomorrow morning. I just pray they transfer the money that I have on the card to the new card. I don’t want to lose the money I have on it.

I joined a Spoonie chat this evening. It was good but very fast paced. It’s about dealing with life with disability or chronic illnesses. I met some interesting people. Some are able to work, others aren’t. It was a fun chat. Then I tried participating in the PTSD chat but it was weird. No one was commenting or asking questions so I left. I think they were watching a video of the chat and then commenting. I find it hard to tweet and watch so it was better that I left. I won’t go to that chat again.

I had to take some more Neurontin for my pain because of the weirdness in my foot/ankle. I think it’s some kind of nerve pain I am experiencing. I had taken 600 mg earlier tonight but I guess it wasn’t enough so I took another dose of 600 mg along with a pain pill. It was gross. The pain pill was bitter and the capsules of Neurontin have a weird taste to them. I should have taken them separately. Oh well, what is done is done. I know better for next time.

I have decided to grow my hair out or try to. I just need a trim right now. I hope the barber shop can give me one. Otherwise, I will have to see my cousin. I don’t mind seeing him but he smokes and then I stink of smoke afterwards. I hate smelling of smoke.

a depressing blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A depressing blog

***Warning may contain suicidal ideation so if you feel like you are a fucking hero, do not read. I am writing to vent my feelings not ACT on them.***

This morning when I woke up, my hip was in awful pain. I figured it was because of the way I slept and took a pain pill. Then I went back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later to my med alarm beeping. I had to take my blood pressure medication, which I didn’t take yesterday because I woke up too late. I couldn’t miss two days in a row so I got up gingerly. My hip and ankle fought me in protest. Happy Monday to me.

I have been in a dark mood. My mood is low, only made lower because a couple of friends of mine hit the guilt button today. I made a cake and they wanted some. Problem is they are on the Cape and I am not. How I was to get them my cake was the problem. So it got eaten and they got mad. I greedily had the cake for breakfast as I made my coffee. There is one slice left, which I will have for dessert or lunch. I haven’t decided. I don’t even care if I eat real food today. I am in a rotten mood.

One of my bloggers, who I love, commented on a password protected blog. I know she means well and all but it got me angry. I wasn’t angry at her, but myself. I have failed myself, some how some way and the only way to rectify this is to end my life. Then I was going through Twitter as I am sorting through this anger I am feeling, and lo and behold a psych article is published saying placebo pills help pain when the person knowingly knows this. WTF. You mean to tell me I need to take a sugar pill for my pain? Hold the phone. I will take the last week of my birth control pills (those are sugar pills) and see if they help the intractable pain that I feel every fucking night. Fucking idiots. I wish it was that fucking simple.

This study enraged me to no end. It’s just the fuel that the idiotic DEA and senators need to stop manufacturing life saving opioid medication to those in need. Here just take a sugar pill and you will be fine. I really don’t want to be around when that shit hits the fan. This further exasperates the idea that the pain is all in your head mentality. Even as we speak my ankle is throbbing pretty darn good. It must be in my head that is making it that way after all this time. After all, there is nothing structurally wrong with my ankle. It’s picture perfect, minus a little swelling here or there. And I need to live for this bullshit? For what? Why must I endure more pain and agony every day/night? I will try the sugar pill experiment and let you know how it goes, though.

My mother called a little while ago. She wanted to know if I was going out. No, I am not going out. Why she asked. I didn’t have the time or patience to tell her that I am in a rotten mood and that my colon might explode after all the stuff I had to take to go to the bathroom. That I felt like killing myself and that I just want to be left alone. That my ankle and hip were competing in pain and they haven’t decided which one was going to win today. So I just said because I am not going out in my irritated voice. She got off the phone.

And now the tears have started for whatever reason. I just feel so damn rotten. I know the grief of my father is in there somewhere. I woke up with him on my mind this morning. I still find it strange that I haven’t heard from him and then I realize why and it hurts. Doesn’t help that I painfully went through my April blogs documenting his death as well as my horrible depression that I am still in. I might not have the physical symptoms of depression anymore but I still have the mental. I don’t think I am ever going to recover from this episode. It has gone on for far too long. Just another nail in my coffin.

I had texted my therapist at noon asking for a session if it was possible. I got no response so I just texted her saying forget it, I will just deal with her tomorrow. I get to see her in person and give her my cake that I made over the weekend. I will be getting a Zipcar to see her. This will make the third week in a row that I have seen her on a Tuesday. I just hope my hip is better by tomorrow and I can walk without pain. It will suck if I have to cancel the reservation. I have decided to have her fill out the paperwork for my LTD as one of my diagnoses for disability is depression. It says physician to be filled out but she is one of my attending clinicians so if they don’t like it too damn bad. My physician doesn’t know me from Adam and I can’t let her fuck this up. It’s too important.

I really wish you could just end your life by wishing for death. It would be so much easier than having to plan your death out, make suicide notes to try and comfort those left behind. To answer the “why” you leave behind. I wish I didn’t cause people pain when I leave but I must leave. I can’t go on suffering mentally and physically anymore. It’s too exhausting. It’s not today or tomorrow. It will be within a month or so, unless the sugar pills help me.