Tag: physical pain

An Hour of Energy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An Hour of Energy

I woke up and was feeling good. I made breakfast and coffee and then had some really good energy so I decided to run the errand I wanted to do. That proved harder than I thought because half way to the store, my back acted up, making it hard to walk. It wiped out my energy levels pretty fast. By the time I finished what I had to do in the store, I was wiped out. All of this took less than hour to do. I feel so rotten.

I came home and put my stuff away. I then made it to my bedroom and got undressed. My back and ankle started acting up. Pain med time! I was hoping, as foolishly as that may be, that I would have the energy to bake after my errand. No can do. I will do it on Sunday like I planned. I just hope there is room in the refrigerator for the pan.

I got the letter from the CBT place saying where to go and what floor they were on. I was thinking about this when I go a trial run and then it hit me that I could go to my favorite restaurant at Government Center. They have the Asgard burger that is wicked good. It’s an Irish place and I have been there a few times. I really like going there, when I am in the area. I also will be taking pics of the new station so I can show you. It’s really cool.

I just bought a book about managing chronic pain through CBT. I wanted to know what I was getting into before I go to this appointment. I flipped through the book, which isn’t that thick, and I am cringing on the exercises. One of them asks what increases/decreases your pain. That is a hard one because I sometimes don’t know what increases or decreases my pain because it is all over the place. What makes it hurt today, won’t make it hurt tomorrow and vice versa. It’s really challenging because even on days I don’t do anything but sleep, I will have severe pain at night. Or I could be walking all over the place, feeling good, no pain and have a good night of no pain. Then the next day I am in agony for the next few days. The worse is when I wake up in pain. That blows the day and it’s hard to get moving. Other times, I could be having no pain and all of a sudden my ankle decides not to work anymore and gives me severe pain if I do try and use it. So it’s not a clear cut answer. And even if I rest and take meds, that is mostly all I can do for my pain. Nothing else helps decrease it. But in the meantime, I am withering in agony until the pain meds kick in.

Then they had a section where you wrote down automatic thoughts. My automatic thoughts when I am withering in agony is to kill myself. Some of the thoughts they had in the book was “the pain will kill me”. I had to say yes, but I will help it do so. Just give it a nudge with some bottle of pills and hope it’s enough to do the job.

Seeing as I am cooped up for the rest of the day, I will start reading it today and see how it goes. I have never been a fan of CBT but I am willing to try and put aside my pessimism and sarcasm to see if this will help me. It is my last hope before I finally throw in the towel. I have exhausted other treatments and nothing has seemed to help. I know there are other pain meds I could try but I really don’t want to be playing with narcotics when there are opioid nuts fighting against ALL of them being “bad” for everyone, including chronic pain patients. Hell, with every script that I get with my pain meds, I get a handout of what to do if I am misusing my meds. It’s a joke. I know the addiction problem is real. But without these meds, you might as well sign my death certificate.

I am really depressed my little errand took out most of my energy and now I am cooped up. I was feeling really good while I was making breakfast. I don’t know what happened. Granted, I didn’t make anything extravagant. Just bacon, toast, and coffee. How hard is that?

document 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Document 4

I keep forgetting to close Word when I finish a document so now I am up to “Document 4”. Seemed to be a fitting title so I used it. I am wicked excited for baseball tonight. I have 8 hours until the Sox play Cleveland. Pretty Ricky is playing on the mound so it should be a good game. My mother is making my favorite, chicken cacciatore. It smells so damn good.

I got a call from the psych intake. I have an appointment with the CBT person, in fucking Nov!! WTF seriously?? I guess it’s better than December, but still. And it’s not at MGH but a satellite office near Government Center. Wonderful. I will have to switch train lines to get to where I am going seeing as I can’t walk down the street anymore. It will be nice to see the new Govt center station though. It is nice inside but I haven’t seen the outside. Maybe I will post some pics when I go.

Back is still hurting so I decided to make coffee. I also had a little breakfast as I was kind of hungry. I wanted to have the cherry breakfast bars but I couldn’t find them so I had the mixed berry kind. It was still good. I need to shower today and I don’t know how it’s going to go because I can barely stand for more than a few minutes. I have been trying to stretch out my lower back but it hurts more to do the exercises.

I think part of the reason my back is flared up today is because I am constipated. I just went and some of my back pain dissipated. I wish I could control the constipation better but the strong pain meds always bangs me up real good. I am surprised I went today. I am glad I did because the pain was getting really bad. I won’t be going out today because I made my coffee but I might step outside for a little bit. I really need to find out what the hell all the banging is about. It’s driving me nuts. Someone that is over the street next to me is doing some kind of construction and it is loud!

I am feeling kind of down today. I have the “do nothings”, though I really should be doing something. I really need to wash my bedding but that is going to take some work because I need to clear off my bed with all the shit on it, including my “office”. And doing it with an injured back is not a good idea. Maybe I can do it over the weekend, provided I don’t have any set backs with my back hurting me.

I need to go out tomorrow for my NP appointment. I hope that I can make it in one piece. I won’t be able to wear my brace as that will just annoy my back further. I will take my cane with me just in case my foot decides to not work anymore. I am nervous about meeting some one new that doesn’t know my situation. I just hope I don’t have to pee in a cup.

Pain Insomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Pain insomnia

I never wanted to believe in this phenomena called “Pain Insomnia” because I feared it would happen to me if I did. Well, it’s happened. It’s after midnight and I am not sleeping because of pain. I am still listening to music but my foot and ankle are having a war as to which is going to hurt me more. So far my ankle is winning.

I started writing in my journal. I figure that would help me sleep. But nope, it didn’t. I wrote out my “suicide note” in my journal so in case someone reads it should I die they know they aren’t to blame for my death. I have tried everything I could to keep going but the pain is just too much. I just keep on taking pills left and right and that is not the kind of life I want to live. It’s bad enough this pain took away my jobs, my walking ability, basically my dignity. And still no one knows why I am in pain. Some docs have given me the elusive diagnosis of “complex regional pain syndrome” but I don’t fully meet the criteria for that because I don’t have color changes. I just have pain. All the damn time. And it’s worse at night so no doc can see what it is when I am not in the office during the day because that is not when I have pain.

My psychosis is not helping. I skipped a couple of doses and it caused the symptoms to return. Part of it is because my doc wants me on 1 dose a day but I need 2 a day to get relief. So I have this battle with the voices about taking my meds and it isn’t pretty. Mostly the battle is just take the bottle rather than a couple of pills. They don’t understand that by doing so, I might die. But they don’t care. Since when do auditory hallucinations care what you do when they command you to do something? They just want you to obey them. It’s gotten better now that I am back at 2 a day. I still get paranoid though. There was a guy at Starbucks today that was really antsy. I thought he could read what I was writing in my journal. Honestly, anyone that can read my handwriting, I give credit to. It’s complete chicken scratch.

My strong pain pills is ready to be picked up. I will head into Boston tomorrow and get it. I hope there isn’t a problem in the pharmacy. All this talk about opioid awareness has me wicked paranoid about filling my prescriptions. I haven’t had a problem but I don’t want there to be. It’s bad enough I have problems with my antipsychotic getting filled because of the new fucking system my hospital has, and that isn’t a controlled substance!

So while I wait for pain meds to make me sleepy or exhausted, I write till I am completely out of words. Insomnia sucks but pain insomnia is worse. One of my new Twitter follows was talking about how CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helps those with chronic pain but her insurance doesn’t cover it. I find that very discriminatory. I wish I could help her with it. But I don’t know where she is in the world. Hell, I am even trying to get into a CBT program yet I haven’t been called yet. I was hoping to hear from them by the end of last week and here it is a week later and still no word. I just hope my suicidality doesn’t hold them back. I am always fearful about this. I have had so many therapists deny me their services because of my suicidal history.

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow to get pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. I like to bake and I have this new recipe. It looks easy enough. I want to bring them to my therapist when I see her on Tuesday. I also have an appointment with her on Monday. I hope it goes well. She knows that I am suicidal. We have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks. Seems I am more suicidal this time of year than at any other time. She wants me to see me through the new year but I think she is wasting her time with me. I just feel so awful and not sleeping doesn’t help matters.

I had picked a date but I don’t think I will go through with it. There are a few things I haven’t done yet that I want to do before I end things. I was hoping to do it this week but pain stopped me yet again. Next week I will be really busy so the things I need to do will have to be the following week. And again, it all depends on my pain levels to do these things. I hate that I have to be dependent on pain to basically tell me what I can and can’t do. It really sucks.

I remember the last time I visited my cousin in Washington, DC. We went to the Smithsonian and saw a few museums. It was really fun even though my camera wasn’t too cooperative. My leg flared up the next day and I was laid up for most of the weekend. I felt really bad because I couldn’t do anything but put my leg up. Some vacation that was. I stood too long and it just flared up pain in my ankle, much like it’s doing tonight, except I didn’t stand too much today. I did go up and down the stairs a few too many times though.

Random 566

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally took a shower today and because our bathroom heater is still broken, I froze my ass off, literally. It wasn’t fun. I quickly dried off and got dressed. I then checked the time and realized I had just enough time to catch the next bus to the Square. I wanted to get some more Pike coffee and my espresso drink that I am falling in love with. It’s National Coffee Day, so I tweeted about having my four shots of espresso.

When I got to my seat, there was a guy there eating what I am guessing nuts of some kind and charging his phone. He was really antsy and made me nervous. I tried to ignore him as I had my coffee and pumpkin scone. I then tried to write in my new journal. I must have written a page and a quarter before I got tired of Mr. Antsy man and had to leave. I just didn’t feel comfortable. I felt like he could read what I was writing. I forgot to take my night time dose of trilafon last night so I have been unhinged most of the day, even though before I left the house, I took a dose. I just have been feeling paranoid and stuff. Doesn’t help that the voices have been loud and obnoxious with their commenting on everything I do.

I needed to get some eye drops and I love that I did everything through my phone rather than through Walgreen website. I had to buy 2 things of toothbrushes because I had to have $35 in order to get free shipping. I always forget to buy them so now I am stocked for the year! LOL

It is cold today so of course my lower back is hurting. I can’t stand too long without pain. It happened on the way home where my back decided to flare up on me. It was a long way home, even though I was only a block and half away. Think I will use a heating pad tonight. The stiffness in my left calf has eased. I am guessing the hot shower helped along with some stretches.

I wish the public transportation system would send me a letter soon about my disability pass. My current pass expires Oct 23. I don’t want to put a monthly pass on in case they transfer cards, then I will lose the pass. I think $20 should be enough for the month as I don’t use the trains as much. I mostly just use the bus.

Monday, I am supposed to meet up with some friends and go out to dinner. I will be wearing my AFO as I can’t trust my ankle without it. Since using it, I have been in less pain while walking but I still have flare ups at night. Seems lying down is a trigger for pain and even when I nap now, the pain is there. I can’t sleep sitting up, though I have tried. It’s only when I am completely exhausted do I get the sleep I need, pain or no pain. It’s not the way I intend on living the rest of my life. Something has to give. It’s been more than a week and the CBT people still haven’t called me. Nor has my PCP’s office called with my much needed strong pain meds. I hope they get back to me tomorrow, early enough so I can pick up the script. I can’t go Monday or Tuesday of next week because of commitments so the earliest I can get into Boston would be Wednesday and I might run out of my meds by then. I have just three pills left and if I have another flare up, I am going to use them. I hope I don’t get a flare up.