Tag: physical pain

tired of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

I am feeling blah today. I just finished taking a shower and though I feel refreshed, I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I have some time to get my coffee before my therapy appointment in a couple of hours but I just don’t feel like being rushed. Every time I do, I forget something, and usually the essentials, such as the keys to my house!

I responded to an email for my CESSG (Cauda Equina Syndrome Support Group) about physical therapy. I hope that the person doesn’t see a chiropractor. That is how all of my problems started. I think that if I was given adequate pain medication in the beginning of my back pain, I would not have gone to see a chiropractor or if I had stopped once the pain did I would not have ended up with CES. All the ifs that go through my mind, looking back.

I am especially feeling out of sorts today because I still have my fricken, goddamned menses. Just when I thought I was getting over it, it comes back in full force. I seriously am suicidal more so now than I was before. I just can’t take being a woman anymore. I have tried to stop the cycle and I am failing horribly. I am so sad. I hate being in this body. I never am going to be a man. And though I should be possibly reaching out for help, I just can’t. I just can’t bear talking about it with someone because I know I will just start bawling like a baby. Just writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. It just is a deep emotional reaction. And even though I know there are other FTMs out there, I still feel alone. I just can’t cope with this anymore. I doubt that anyone really knows the frustration of dealing with this. I am trying to cope with it but how do you cope with something you know is WRONG?? I know I should probably go back to my reproductive endocrine doc and be like this isn’t working but why bother? She has been trying to stop this beast and has been unable to do so this past year. My confidence in her is down to nothing. I know I probably should go to the experts and see what they know but this Doc is the tops in her field. I don’t understand how hard it is to stop a fucking period. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And with every mense that I get, the closer I get to killing myself. I am done with it. I just want to die. I am in too much pain anyways. My foot was acting up soon as I woke up this morning. It’s sort of fine now as I took my pain meds.

I just am tired of living. Tired of trying to make sense of all this. I really don’t know what to do about my menses anymore. I wish it was easy to get through this but it’s not. Every time I wipe myself and there is blood I freak out. I just don’t understand why I am still bleeding. It’s been two weeks already. This is my third week. I was hoping it was getting less toward the end of the week but I was wrong. I really hate being like this. I hate feeling like a freak. And nobody understands that I am going to end my life because of it. I wish I knew what I was feeling but all I feel is hurt. I feel pain. I feel hate. Hate that I am not who my brain thinks I am. And I get weaker. I get more tired with each passing day. It just takes so much energy to deal with this. To wear underwear now that are made for females is just killing me inside. I might be called a masculine name but I am far from being it.

Sound of a million dreams

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sound of a million dreams

I’m listening to this song as I am typing this. I love David Nail and this song. It always makes me feel good. I had a pretty good day despite my ankle killing me right now. I had good luck today as I won $50 (USD) on a scratch ticket. I bought one, won $5 (USD), so bought another of the same ticket and won $50. I was happy because my cash flow was getting to be non-existent. I am hoping that one day, with this particular ticket I will win the big one and be set for life.

Other than that, I have nothing new to report. I still am not sleeping. I fell asleep around 04:30 only to wake up at 0900. I have been going all day and it’s almost midnight now. I am wicked tired but I am feeling kind of revved up. I just got off the phone with my cousin and we were talking about things. Guess those things got me kind of excited. But really I know I am going to be up because my foot is again doing it’s hot flash thing again. And I know what follows it. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t think it is helping me anymore. Only thing I have noticed is that I am eating more, which isn’t good as I am trying to control my weight. I lost a few pounds and so far I have managed to keep them off. I don’t want them back on. My honey nut cheerios came today. I order them on Amazon because it is cheaper to buy them in bulk online than it is getting them in the store. I know I pay a lot for shipping, but this time I was able to get free shipping because I bought some other things. I finally got a new battery for my phone and a new case to go with it. My other battery was getting to be no good. For an extended battery, it wouldn’t last more than a day, sometimes not more than 8 hrs off the charger. It was getting to be ridiculous so I got a new battery and I hope that it lasts longer than a few hours. And I guess it does because I was on the phone with my cousin for three hours before it beeped saying that it needed to be charged. Three hours is typical for my phone battery, but I usually don’t talk that long with my cousin. I usually don’t talk that long with anybody!

I am feeling really tired. I hope I get some sleep tonight despite my foot doing it’s stupid thing. I really don’t know how many more sleepless nights I can take. This will be the third night in a row that I have stayed up beyond midnight after waking up in the early morning. I usually sleep for at least 7 hours but lately I have been only getting about 5 hours of sleep. And I can’t stay asleep during the night. I wake up every couple of hours and then I will sleep solid for four hours and that will be it. I have to get up, only to feel like taking a nap a few hours later. I have not taken a nap though. I find that if I do, it only makes things worse.

I have had to put a password on one of my blog entries. I really didn’t want to do it but I just kept on getting spam comments for drugs and online pharmacies every single day and more than 10 messages a day. I couldn’t take it anymore and it was always for the same post. I have the post as a page now and it hasn’t had the same kind of traffic. I hope it doesn’t anyway.

I had a funny thing happen tonight. My sister called me saying that my little niece wanted me to come downstairs. So I came down and I had dinner with them. I then asked my niece why she wanted me. She said just to sit with her. I thought it was cute. Then the brat leaves me to visit another neighbor! I then asked myself why I am at my sister’s and went back upstairs to my cave (room).

I have to give people credit…they are very creative when they create twitter or email accounts. I just got a message that “better off blonde” is now following me on twitter. I have no idea who this person is. But one thing about twitter is that you don’t have control over who follows you. The most you can do is that if they are trouble, you block them. I had to block someone today because they sent me a link. Anytime anyone on twitter sends me a link, I block them. I then find out that the account is gone the next day. So who knows what they were trying to do. I don’t trust them because I don’t want a virus on my computer or get hacked. Not that I have anything on my new laptop. I just have my documents, which is mostly my blogs and my book. If I were to lose them, it would be like losing my life. I should back up my documents soon. I have not done it in a while, though I did upload some documents to dropbox. Dropbox is an online storage space meant for just that reason. In case your computer crashes you have them stored online. I don’t know how secure it is or anything of that nature but I know a few people that use it and think it is great. So I have some of my PDF’s and other documents stored in cyber space.

bitchy blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

peroneous tendon

I feel wicked agitated and angry right now and I don’t know why. Nothing has specifically set me off other than the Sox losing but I don’t have control over that. I just want to start a fight with someone and I tried that with a friend and it didn’t work. She wanted to just hear my voice and I refused to call her or have her call me. I can’t stand it when she gets into one of those moods. Because whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t get listened to.

I know I am partly enraged because I am in pain and I don’t have an outlet for it. Plus I still have my stupid fucking menses and the feminine product is irritating me. There is nothing I can do about that but I can’t not wear underwear while bleeding. My sheets will get messed up and so will possibly my mattress. UGH I am so aggravated!!! If I could cut I would. All I could do is just ride out the storm and this storm is big. I can’t even find the right music to calm me down so I am just listening to my mix of country tracks. I finally got Brantley Gilber’s More than miles song. I have been playing it non stop on Youtube the past few days. I love this song. Right now Luke Bryan is playing. I love him too. Not in any way of a sexual sense just voice wise.

I also feel frustrated because no one got back to me on my papers that I sent out today. I know that I shouldn’t expect a quick response for a three page paper but an acknowledgement would have been nice. I sometimes think I send out emails and it just lands in cyber no where land when I don’t get a response. I should probably take an Ativan to calm the hell down but that is going to do nothing for my pain. Pain has moved up to my leg because like a fucking dummy I had to stand on my leg while my foot was asleep. My peroneous tendon didn’t like that one but so the WHOLE fucking tendon is inflamed. I guess I won’t be getting my hair cut tomorrow like I wanted to. I know I won’t be able to walk the distance. Not after a painful night like tonight. I am so fucking angry. Angry that I can’t do anything about my pain, Angry that I can’t stand for more than a few minutes at a time. That I just can’t do what I used to do. And the surprising thing is that I am fucking hungry but I know I can’t make it down the stairs to get something to eat. All I had to eat today was a coffee and a cold cut sandwich. NOTHING else. I just wasn’t hungry today. But now I am and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have to sleep with one ear open tonight because my mother had a hypoglycemic episode and she tried to keep it from me. I could tell because she was slurring her speech as she was telling me why she was eating cereal. WTF. I hope I don’t have to call an ambulance. I really don’t need to be going up and down the damn stairs to let emergency personnel into my house. But if I have to, I have to. I should go check on her but my leg is still tender. So much for the fucking pain meds working tonight. I should take two and see if that helps. I just been taking one hoping that would be enough. WRONG.

I know my friend is going to ask me about why I was in a nasty mood tonight and why she didn’t call me like she wanted to. I fucking hate when people don’t get that I just don’t want to talk. I gave her a choice. Either don’t call or just text me. That was the only way I was communicating. Take it or leave it so she left it, and I hope she leaves it at that.

I just checked on my mother and she is sprawled out on her bed. Doesn’t appear to be in distress so maybe I can sleep tonight. But I doubt it because I just acted up my leg again. God forbid I should walk. All because of a stupid disc material. I know it is because I have scar tissue on my nerve root. That is the fun part of having Cauda Equina Syndrome, the emergency ends but the pain doesn’t. You still have to live with the repercussions of the after effects of surgery. So frustrating to live like this.

Guilt trip

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Since putting the suicidal plan off the table, I’ve been feeling like I’ve let myself down, almost to the point of feeling ashamed of myself for doing so. I don’t know why I feel this way. But it sucks. I can always put it back on the table and the past few hours I have been thinking about it. What would it belike to hang myself somewhere? I would kill myself in my car but I don’t want to be found my family members. I wish the car was useful and could take me to a rest spot some place away so I could die. Yes I might have placed the ultimate date of killing myself off the table but the thoughts of killing myself are still rampant.

I’m supposed to go out with friends tonight but I really don’t feel like it. We will be going to Olive Garden, a place I like but I just don’t have the energy to put a smile on my face and pretend all is right with the world. I ended up going and it was worse than I imagined. I feel like I have been scarred for life. While going to the women’s bathroom I was suddenly aware of my misplacement. I felt like a girl as I was in there with girl underwear. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I hate myself more than I ever have right now. SO much for this being a good evening.

It was raining earlier while I was writing this and I talked about wanting to go to the Chinese restaurant across the street from Starbucks. They usually have a lunch buffet but they didn’t today for some reason. Maybe I was too early. I had McDonald’s instead.

I should have brought my laptop today so I would have typed this up while thinking about rather than dictating it as I am now. But then I probably would just go on Facebook and play my games and be distracted too much to write anything. I am not hooked on Candy Crush.

Getting back to guilt it’s depressing me. I feel lost, like I should have known better than to give up MY hopes of ending my suffering. I don’t know why I put a stop to my plans. Guilt always seems to work. It works to stop me and it works to make me feel bad that I don’t give in to my impulses. I don’t know what stopped me this time. My therapist didn’t have much to do with it as I usually defy her anyways. I guess I felt that my friend JD non response to my message to him and me feeling non-suicidal all of two weeks caused the shift. Now I am feeling depressed and don’t feel like I have a way out. I’m trapped again in the land of the living. I so wish I could wish my life away. Give my life to a patient dying of cancer and have them go on while I die or something. I don’t feel despairing. Just feel anguish that I can’t quelch.

I feel so lost, like something is missing. It has been months that I have been planning on taking my life and now that it’s no longer in the works, I feel lost, dejected, defeated. I didn’t go through with the act. So I feel a sense of longing. Like if I have to go through with it and I do die, I will accept my fate. But if I don’t die, then I will also accept my fate and not try again. I just wish I did go through with it. It’s a longing like I have never experienced before. It’s like I am not good enough to die or something. I know that sounds silly. How can I be too good to die? Maybe it should be that I am not bad enough to kill myself. I’ve planned my death numerous times over the years. I have never gone through with any of them. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. Do I live or do I die.

I guess I will never know. I just continue to live in this misery called life. And I don’t like it.