Tag: psychache

black cloud

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I started rewriting my story about my suicide attempt. I thought it would be easy but it was grueling just to get three pages done. I have become such a concise writer that to make things go longer is difficult for me. But at least I have the first three done and then I can work on that for the next century.

I had a difficult day. I woke up at 04:00 and didn’t go back to sleep till 05:30 just to wake up around 10:00. I tried to stay in bed but I was hungry to got up and drank a shake to fill me up. I just didn’t want to get out of bed and have spent most of the day in bed, just writing or playing games on Facebook. I have been trying to get my missions caught up but bloody hell, every time you finish one, another one pops up in its place. I am so sick of playing but at least this time I have something to do with myself. I haven’t showered yet but I think I will put that off till tomorrow too. I will brush my teeth or at least try to. I still feel really crummy and don’t know why. I just feel like everything is far from my grasp and I just can’t reach it. I also just want to die. I so want to hang myself off the back porch but I just can’t do it because of my nieces. I do not want them to see me like that.
I want to go out tomorrow and go to Starbucks. This time I will bring my laptop to write a few more pages of my book that probably will never get published. It probably will, I just don’t know if I will be alive to see it. I just feel so downhearted today. Like everything is clouded in darkness. I know the black dog has followed me a few times but this is different. This is like a black cloud that is there, raining down on me as I get soaked with misery and despair. I don’t have the strength to fight it. I just let it be. I am powerless against it anyway. It’s not like an umbrella would solve the issue or anything.

I got a letter from my Primary care doc saying they had to cancel my appointment and gave me another one in its place. I can’t go at that time because I have group. On one hand I feel like this is a good excuse to get out of group but I am new and feel I should be making an effort to go. I am skipping this week because I have to take my father to his doctors appt. I don’t know if this group is helping me. I end up feeling worse afterwards rather than better.

I have been texting my therapist all weekend just to keep her in the loop of my dire straits. I don’t know why she wants me to text her everyday other than the obvious but I really don’t care.

Today was my cousin’s bridal shower. I didn’t go because I just didn’t feel like going to a “woman’s” event. I know it would have broken up the monotony of the day but I don’t really have dress clothes that fit me anymore since I put on weight. I just don’t have the energy to think of those kind of things. I really have to try and lose weight for the wedding next month. Thing is losing weight is an uphill battle and seeing as depression takes most of my energy, I can only fight one demon at a time. Seeing as the depression is the demon that controls my life, it is sensible that all other demons will have to wait. It sucks but it is true. No point in trying to lose weight if you are dead.

nobody gets me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Nobody gets me

I had my monthly check in with my PCP (primary care provider) and it did not go well. He didn’t believe the weight I gave him so I had to go on the scale, which I hate. I really have issues with my weight and this bothered me more than usual. The he tells me that I should have a more structured day and be more active. I am like are you fucking kidding me? I am lucky if I take a shower more than once a week and brush my teeth at least three times a week. I didn’t tell him this. I didn’t want him to think I was a real loser. So we talked about getting out of the house and walking around the block at least once a day. I felt like he didn’t get me because some days that is totally impossible because I just don’t feel like it or I am too tired from a night of not sleeping. He then tells me he just doesn’t want to give me pills every month. Well, sorry doc, that is what I need right now. I need to have the pills for when the pain is so bad I want to end my life. I don’t have the pills chances are I am going to make an attempt on my life. Just that simple. I can no longer tolerate my pain being above a 9 on a 0-10 scale.

Then we discussed my weight and I really wanted to get the hell out of there. I hate my weight, I hate my body. I hate it but there is little I can do about it as I can’t walk a treadmill. I could possibly do a bike but that takes every effort to join a gym, which I am thinking about. It will at least get me out of the house. I just don’t know if going for 5-10 mins each time is going to be helpful. I really don’t want to spend that much money for a 15 min workout. I can gradually pick it up but I will be afraid of pain returning. Walking kills me so maybe, just maybe, riding a bike will be easier. I don’t know until I try it but that may never happen. I would like a gym with a pool. But those are rare. When I was with the hospital, I had those benefits but never used them, well maybe once.

I had therapy with my therapist today and really lied through my teeth to say that I wasn’t going to kill myself this weekend. I just was yessing her to death so I could get off the phone. She was just really annoying me with questions and she brought up my family to find out how constricted I was. I hate her. I really do. She brings up my family and how they will not be able to handle my death. I don’t care. I can’t focus on that. I need to die and I am going to try this weekend. End of story. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of being in pain. I hate myself and always will, there is no changing that. I had started writing my will and have looked it over. There is nothing more that I wish to add.

Now it just depends on if I can get a hotel this weekend or not. I just need to get away. If I end up killing myself then that will be good but I don’t want to try something and fail again. It will be too much to do that. My therapist thinks I should be in the hospital but I won’t go. I really don’t want to go and the only way that will happen is if I am forced to go in. I am kind of sad because I know that this will be a shock to my psychiatrist. It is our 20th anniversary this week. I just feel that if I put it off I am only harming myself. I am making myself suffer longer. If I had cancer, people would want my suffering to end. Why can’t they see that this is the same thing? I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being in pain, both physically and mentally. Nobody gets that.

struggles

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Been thinking really hard today about what my next move should be. I told my therapist goodbye but she didn’t accept it. She refused my cancelations so I have her on voicemail only on my phone. See how she likes that. Not like talking to her does much help anymore. Nothing seems to help. I am just a pitiful excuse for a human. I feel so awful I can’t even begin to describe it. I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth since Wednesday. I am going to brush after I send this blog out. I hate not being able to take care of myself at times. I just don’t think about that kind of stuff anymore since being out of work.

I am still thinking about my plan. I always have a plan. It is how I cope. Doesn’t mean that I will go through with it but I have it none the less.

I have a busy week next week. I have to see my PCP to get my pain pills refilled then see a friend on my way home to pick up my gift for my psychiatrist. It will be perfect because I see her on Wednesday. That is the other thing that is bothering me. How can I tell her happy 20th anniversary and then kill myself that weekend? I hate this tug of war with life. I really do. And don’t give me the crap that because I care means I am fighting to live. I can counter with I am fighting to die too. You people that think that way have no clue how frustrating it is to try and want to kill yourself and having all the responsibility to stay alive around you. You want so badly to die yet something keep holding you back. I call it hope at times that gives me another day. I really do because without it, I know I would not give myself a week to plan my death.

I also have group. Yes I will be going back if only to see if it is better than I think it is.

Struggle. That is all I do and I hate it. I just want the struggle to end. Is that too much to ask?

exciting article

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

Just read an interesting article about the Collaborating and Management of Suicidality (CAMS). I can’t believe this theory is 25 years old. It is gaining more acceptance as time goes on as more countries are using it as a treatment modality in suicidal people. It is a clinical intervention that is used as a collaboration between client and therapist in the treatment and care of a suicidal person. I find it one of the best out there and it is the best because it can be used across the disciplines in the mental health field.

I will be writing more about this. I write a lot about Jobes, the creator of CAMS and the SSF (suicide status form). He is the most brilliant person I have ever met. The fact that this is going to electronic way I think will be used across mediums and will be easier to deliver. Most clinicians have gone the electronic way but not all. This makes me want to go back to school and get my degree.