Tag: psychache

urges

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

***WARNING MIGHT BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE***

Past few days have been rough. I have been humiliated by my nerve condition, in so much pain I couldn’t sit long enough to watch the Superbowl, and today I get hit with nerve pain in my ass that almost made me want to pass out again. All this has left me wanting to do something self-destructive.

I was talking with my therapist about this week’s events and a sudden urge to cut emerged without warning and staring at me from across my bed room was a new razor. I could almost feel the pain and feel the blood as it dripped down my arm. I need to cut so bad it feels like nothing will take its place until I do. I am starting to get obsessed with it. But I don’t have my supplies ready, though they could be in an instant if I tried. I don’t want to start something I can’t finish and cutting would do that for me. It would start out as something small and then I could go deeper and deeper until the bleeding went a little out of control. I would be happy for a little while and maybe for longer than that. I am trying to distract myself from it by writing but it’s only feeding the feelings of self-infliction that I want to do. I am guessing this is how a junkie feels needing their next fix. I want it so bad but the ramifications and consequences will not be good for me. I haven’t cut in almost ten years. So in some respects, you can say I have been “sober” all that length of time. And if I cut I will lose my “sobriety”. I don’t know what will happen. I might cut and be turned off like it happened the last time I cut or it might turn on the flood gates and I will become a “junkie” always looking for the next fix.

Why do I want to cut? Because I cannot tolerate the intensity of my psychache, the psychological pain, the despair, frustration, perturbation, worthlessness, and guilt that I am feeling. I have tried listening to music but I just cannot turn out the sound of my pain. It sucks hurting this much and no one knowing. I wish I could say why I feel like this but I don’t know why. I just do. I know part of the reason I want to cut is because of the fact I cannot kill myself. Cutting is a way for me to express my emotions without hurting anyone but me. And I am fine with that even if others are not. People do not want this to happen to me but I can’t stop the thoughts. They are weighing on me like a barge on my chest.

blah 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Mood has shifted just a little bit but I still have not left the house for anything. I just feel like my world is coming to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. Least today the numbness wore off just a little bit to let some feelings in so I can write a bit.

Got a bunch of paperwork, one for the group therapy place and the other from my long term disability place. Each packet is like twenty pages. I have my work cut out for me. Though I hardly have the energy to do it. I still need to get my taxes done. I keep saying tomorrow and tomorrow comes and goes. I feel weighed down though I don’t know from what.

I stopped taking the birth control pill last night to hurry things up. I figure there is no point taking them for the rest of the week if I am just going to stop them anyway. I’m kind of scared because I don’t know what kind of havoc this is going to place on me mentally. So far there has been no change in my menses and thankfully I don’t have any cramps. But the wearing of female products I still killing me. I just have gotten so used to not having a menstrual cycle that now it just feels so overwhelming. It’s making me so depressed and suicidal that all I can think about is ending my life because I don’t want to go through with this. That is what my suicidality is truly about. Not being able to cope with my false identity. And I am really pissed off that no one really cares except for my therapist. She is kind of freaked out right now as my mood is unpredictable. I know my friend that I have been writing with is kind of worried too though she is pretending she is not. I just don’t have many people to talk to about this. I feel that it’s too much information or just to hard to try and explain.

I just don’t know if I will be ok during this period. I know my shrink is worried since my post the beginning of the week. I still want to cut but the feeling come and go. I haven’t yet but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I hate that I love walking about in t-shirts all the time. If I start wearing long sleeve shirts my family might notice something off. Cutting is a huge thing to cover up. I used to not care when I was a teen, but now that I am an adult it still is kind of hard to cover up when you have a 7 yr old that smells band aids a mile a way.

BLAH

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

That is how I have been feeling the last two days. I just feel like the end of the world has come upon me. I don’t want to do anything, I just want to sleep.

Monday I have a meeting with a group therapy leader and I am thinking it is just too much to go. I want to but in this state all I want to do is fuck it all. I have no energy to eat, though I have forced myself to have a little of something. And to drink my slim fast shakes. Today I had Chinese food and I didn’t even enjoy it or finish it. I guess I will have it for later or tomorrow.

My sister texted me today saying she hasn’t seen me. Well I don’t feel like going downstairs. I don’t feel like going out. I just want to be left alone, away from everybody. The next few weeks are going to be rough and I am not sure how I am going to handle it. I am beyond coping right now.

The group leader sent me a packet I am to fill out. It’s like twenty pages long. Some intake. I hardly feel like writing a blog let alone fill out twenty pages of god knows what. I am so tired. Maybe I will just deal with that tomorrow and sleep the rest of today. I have never felt this bad before. I have never had this loss of energy and motivation before. This really sucks. I know most of it has to do with my menses. I just feel so defeated. Like I was going to make this huge change and was expected it to go kind of rough but I was NOT expecting my menses to show up and wear me down. Six weeks I have had this and seems like I will have it for another eight to nine. No one cares how much this is humiliating me. To have to wear female underwear and female products for this long is just draining the life out of me.

A good friend gave me a good tip. When I can take my sister’s car, I am going to go to Stop and Shop and buy all the asparagus they have and buy a bottle of Alleve. Hopefully something will work.

issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

The new year started and I think I can finally come out of the closet as being a “girl” and tell my family I’m a guy. Then my menses started and I was really on edge. I told one of my sisters the week after new years and had a meltdown the whole weekend. It was crying from relief, frustration, anger, etc you name it. She was concerned about telling my mother and my other sister so I have decided to put that off for now.

Unfortunately this year has not started right. Week before, the dreaded menses started and have not stopped for the past 6 fucking weeks. I missed a pill because I was sick and that is how this whole thing started. I am so mad at myself because that is the one pill I take above all the others. I have had a mixture of break through bleeding and I just want it to stop so I can go back to being a man and wear my boxers again. I have to wear female underwear and I don’t like it at all. It is messing with my head. Here I was ready to come out as a guy and I am bleeding like a girl. Talk about head spinner. I feel humiliated beyond belief and I want to cut so bad. I’m fantasizing about how it will make me feel but I know that if I start I won’t be able to stop. It’s like a drug. The release is intense. Right now I’m feeling so numb that it might just help me feel something.

I hate not being able to control my menstrual cycle. I have to go back to the reproductive endocrine doc and I know she most likely will want to do the female exam I have been dreading. I feel so demoralized by this, so humiliated because I was a true man, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m so tired of not being a guy on the outside. I’m just about ready to end it all. I have time to write letters, to say I am sorry that I tried but my damn cycle fucked everything up for me. And I have to end it. I tried telling my psychiatrist this but I don’t think I got through.
My therapist has my suicide notes I wrote back in 2009. I just gave them to her to hold for me. They were written right before I was involuntarily hospitalized.

I figure if I cut it might let go some of the suicidal thoughts. I know that sounds stupid but I really think it might help. I can’t stand the pain of living this, this two lives bullshit anymore. I feel I have taken two steps back in this arena when I wanted to move forward. I hear the constant voice that says I will always be a little girl no matter what and I want it to shut up once and for all. I won’t be graphic about what I will do but I just think a little cut is all I need to get the stuff out of my head. Maybe then the pain will stop and I can feel normal again.