Tag: psychological pain

Bollocks and Bullshit kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bollocks and bullshit kind of day

I had shit for sleep so I am extremely irritable. I again woke up in the middle of the night in pain. Slept for a few hours, then my alarm went off. Good thing I woke up because my groceries came a few minutes later. I have been up since then. I put all the groceries away and then went to Starbucks for espresso. I didn’t feel like making coffee at home.

I was feeling groggy and sleepy so after an hour, I caught what was supposed to be the next bus but it never showed up. I was bullshit. I tweeted the MBTA and got no response as to why there was no bus. I had to wait an hour for the next one. My bladder didn’t like this. I went to walgreens for an errand for my mother and got a snack. I didn’t buy any snacks in my grocery order just food and water. By the time I came home, I was in a lot of pain. My foot was and is in severe pain. I couldn’t take my regular pills so I had to take the strong one. The pain is so bad that that didn’t even calm it down. I am in agony. Then I get a text saying my new phone was delivered. So I hobble down the stairs to get it. The box feels light for 2 phones. I open it and there is just one fucking phone. That is when I start swearing and using Bollocks because it covers more swears than I can think of.

I call sprint and they tell me one phone is on backorder. I checked and it says shipped on my status page. I was on hold with someone from Sprint and they transfer me to someone else that had a bad connection. He said that I needed to file a police report and I am like for something that didn’t ship?? He is like but you have the S5. I am like I ordered two S8s and only one was in the box and the invoices says QTY 1 so there was no other phone shipped, where is it and when will it be shipped. You didn’t upgrade. I said I got an email saying I did and my bill is now nearly $100 more a month so what the fuck are you talking about??!! This went back and forth, he kept putting me on hold to “check” things. I am getting bullshit and mad. My foot is ready to fucking explode and so is my damn head. Finally when I say I want to talk to a supervisor, he is like oh, we’ll put this in some kind of order resolution claim and you will be called on Monday. He then asks for a number I can be reached. After a fucking hour on being on the phone. Fucking fuck.

I complain on Twitter for this bullshit and now they are trying to help and taking their blessed time. I have had the secure window open for an hour now and they still haven’t responded to my inquiries. I am ready to shut the window and call it a fucking day. After I got off the phone with these idiots, I call my mother and tell her she needs to make dinner tonight because my foot is being a fuck. She asks how to cook the ribs and I tell her to follow the instructions on the package. Easy, peazy.

I got a call while I was on the phone with the idiots. It was the pain group coordinator. She left me a message saying I needed to redo the intake interview and her office will call with an appointment. Fucking great. Another damn interview with this lady who is a bitch. I emailed my psych to let her know and that I was in agony. I didn’t tell her I was suicidal from the damn pain that has gone on for almost 24 hours now. I pleaded with my support group to PM me or comment to have someone to talk to as I am in agony. This is the worst pain I have been in since last week and again, I didn’t do much to set it off.

So now that I know this phone is really my niece’s phone, I can set it up for her and play with it for a little while to get used it. It is sleeker than the S5. I really like this phone. I hope playing with it gets me more acquainted with it when I get MY phone, whenever the fuck that is. I am so bullshit it’s not funny. I had talk to two people who said there was 2 devices in the shipment that was shipped out and they lied. How is that good customer service??

severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Severe back pain and PTSD doesn’t mix

The past few hours, I cannot straighten out my back without severe pain. It is causing me to have flashbacks of the time I was first diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I remember not being able to walk or stand on my left leg without severe pain. Now I have back pain and my left ankle/foot is going berserk, which is causing me great anxiety.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I would have paged her but it’s late and I don’t want to bother her even though I am freaking out. I am trying to calm myself down by distracting and reading tweets about the game. Sitting is difficult but laying down is worse because my thoughts go crazy. It also increases my ankle/foot pain so I can’t win. I was able to brush my teeth but it hurt. I couldn’t use the prescription toothpaste because I had to sit down. I hate that I have to use two toothpastes at night.

I’m hoping this pain is caused by the weather. The temp has dropped several degrees and usually that brings me pain. I don’t know if it is going to rain or not. I am guessing it will because it usually activates my back pain. I haven’t don’t anything I shouldn’t have done or lifted anything heavy. It annoys me when I am hurting for no reason. It could be a delayed reaction to the beds in the psych unit. I was on a hospital bed but it was lumpy.

Sox are leading 3-0 as of now. The pain is driving me nuts. It’s all around my waist and lower back. I am trying to reassure myself that it is NOT cauda equina syndrome as there would be more symptoms of the syndrome but with my ankle and foot tingling and throbbing, it’s hard. My brain knows that it’s not CES but my feelings are like yes it is. You need to go to the ER right now. I am in panic mode and I don’t like it. I took an Ativan to calm down. Hopefully it will also relax my back muscles so they don’t hurt as much. I already took my pain meds, except the strong pain med, which I am contemplating. I have never taken it for severe back pain before so I don’t know if it will work. It’s funny, while I was in the hospital, the pill color was orange. The ones I have at home are white. Same size, just a different color. I have never seen it orange before.

Well, the score is now 4-3 Angels. Damn Price sucks. Giving up a gift of a 3 run lead. I don’t like him at all. Never have. I took the strong pain pill and hope it helps, or at least allows me to go to sleep. I really hate having PTSD. I remember nearly everything while I was in the ED and them telling me I needed surgery, the surgeon sees me all for 10 minutes and then says yup, 830 in the OR. I was scared shitless. I asked him when I would be able to walk again and he said three days. It was a week before I was able to move my toes again, with effort. I never want to go through that again. I will kill myself before I need another emergency back surgery. Two was enough for me.

unraveled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Unraveled

I don’t know what happened after I shaved and showered. The music that I normally hear in my head turned to voices and then I got agitated and paranoid. I really believe ISIS knows where I live and are sending Jihad after me because they know I know their secret. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I would have paged but I wasn’t feeling up to it. She called me anyway and we talked. I hated this. I didn’t want to talk to her. Now I got to call her tomorrow.

It’s been a long time since I felt like this. Three male voices are wanting me to take a bottle of pills so it will be over. I just took an Ativan because the agitation is getting worse. I feel like my psych is in on the killing part and can’t be trusted.

I’m feeling really out of touch though I am trying to stay in touch. It’s really hard when you have so many voices telling you things at once and there are sirens going off. I think they are coming to get me, even though they fade in the distance. It’s sad when you can’t trust your mind and you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

My psych said that I haven’t been like this in a while. It’s true, I haven’t. Nothing set me off. I haven’t felt stressed about anything. I just made my bed when things began to become undone. There haven’t even been ISIS in the news or on my Twitter feed so not sure why this is happening. I feel alone and scared and paranoid that people are out to get me. I am afraid to leave my room.

I was tired but now I am overtired. I got too much on my mind. I don’t know how to get out from this mess I am in. I wish the voices would stop hounding me about taking pills. I don’t know why my meds aren’t working to stop the voices. Maybe I should take more. I don’t know. It’s very weird to feel this way. I can’t trust my thoughts. I don’t know if this is because of the migraine I have or what. Least my nausea has stopped. I hate feeling agitated. It fuels the voices even more.

I have been trying to distract but it’s not working and music is not a good thing right now because it makes everything louder. My head is feeling like it’s at Fenway park with a full stadium of people. But I am alone in my room with just the AC on. So many voices all talking at once. I need to do this and that now. Just take this and it will all be over. This person is coming to get you. I am so scared.

I haven’t been like this in a long time. I hope that by tomorrow what ever this is, is gone. I don’t want to go to the ER. They just make things worse with the bright lights and the noise. Plus, they don’t believe you when you tell them you are hearing voices anyway. It’s a conspiracy. They just want your insurance money and then transfer you to another unit that is worst.

hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting

I woke up from my haze. Again I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep until around 0300. I am so damn tired. I made breakfast and as I was going down the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step so I tripped over it. My foot is going ballistic. I took a bunch of meds so I am hoping to go back to sleep soon.

I watched Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill’s new video. OMG it is so hot! I don’t know who is hotter, Faith or Tim. It’s such an awesome video! I am listening to them now. I feel like taking a break from Linkin Park.

I was supposed to go to the post office today to mail my friend in Canada some stuff for her grandkids and son. But that got nixed when I hurt my foot. The weather is better today as the sun finally made an appearance. It’s 60 degrees so I am not as cold in my room. Last night was brutal. I wanted to turn on the heat it was so cold.

As I am not that sleepy yet, I decided to call neurology to set up an appointment. Apparently, this doc has to review your medical records before she decides to see you. WTF. I left another message with her secretary to call me and also to let her know that I am a MGH patient and she has my permission to view my record. So fucking stupid.

I am running low on my strong pain pills so I put in a request to get a refill. Next week I need to put in the request for my regular pain meds. So I get to go to Boston twice in a week. I see my psych next week so I might just wait to get the regular meds then.

I’m kind of feeling really suicidal. I just don’t want to live anymore. I am in too much pain, emotionally and physically. It’s so exhausting. I had breakfast but I am hungry again. I really don’t want to go down the stairs again. I am just hurting way too much. I wish I had some protein bars in my room. I know I am feeling this way because I am tired and I’m out of spoons.

I want chocolate. Chocolate makes everything better. I ate my last two pieces that I had. I need to get more dark chocolate. I wish I could have it delivered rather than me going out. I just checked out the price for baby back ribs from a BBQ place in the Square. Fricken $19 for ½ a rack! Forget it! I’ll get it at Stop and Shop for $7!

Meds are kicking in so I am going to sleep. I just wanted to write something in case I sleep the rest of the day.