Tag: reading

Record Year

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Record year

Been listening to this song by Eric Church for the last couple of hours. I just can’t stop listening to it. It’s on the “Mr. Misunderstood” album that I love so much. My former therapist texted me this morning saying she misses me, she is having a hard time packing up my “belongings”, and has not received my book yet. It set off a pang of missing her really bad, similar to this weekend. And this song just fits right now. I texted her back saying it was okay and that I am in no rush to get my things back. I also have not found someone new and even my psychiatrist has not succeeded.

I woke up with just enough time to catch the bus to go to Starbucks. I went and had coffee and breakfast. Then I wrote in my journal but listening to this song kind of made writing difficult. I just miss my former therapist so much. My mother called while I was at my home away from home. She wanted to know where I was. I told her and said I would be home soon. It was a good thing I left when I did because my bowels soon unleashed soon as I walked in the door. I just made it to the bathroom in time. She then asked where I was going when I walked in the kitchen. HUH??? I said I just came home. She is losing it.

I called one therapist today. I am waiting for a callback. It is so frustrating waiting. I read the Robert Lowell book last night. It went a little better but still the same pattern of mania, hospital, depression. Lowell had a daughter in the mist of the craziness and he explained his illness to her when she was old enough to understand. He was straight up with her, which is kind of remarkable. Most parents want to hide their illness from their children but Lowell was direct about his treatment in the hospital and why he had to be put in. I finished the chapter feeling devastated for the guy. I am kind of torn because if he grew up in this day and age, his creativity would be hindered and he probably wouldn’t have been a great poet. I find it amazing that people with bipolar illness are creative untreated versus treated. Thing is, Lowell grew up at a time where there was no treatment for his illness. Lithium wasn’t approved yet and if it was, he obviously didn’t take it like he was supposed to, which is typical of the illness. Why take something that hinders the creativity. Or he just felt the mania was gone so he no longer needed the medication. Jamison doesn’t dwell on this aspect. I am only interpreting what I know of the highs and lows of bipolar disorder.

Pain has been minimal the last few days, except at night. Last night I accidently took double my pain meds because I couldn’t remember if I took them or not. I was having a lot of pain, from my ankle down to my toes. I ended up taking Neurontin and then the doses of regular pain meds hit me hard and I crashed. I slept fairly well and did not want to get up. But my mother didn’t wash my French press last night and I didn’t feel like doing it, so I left to go to Starbucks. I am glad I went out because the weather was warmer than it has been. It’s supposed to be a little warmer most of the week. I hope that means no heat turn up. I have been roasting in my room from the heat of my radiator. I had opened the window last week and it took three days to cool off my room. Last night I thought I was going to have to open the window again but my mother turned down the heat so I was saved.

Despite having four shots of espresso, I am still very tired. My mother is making pork chops tonight. I think the 900 mg of Neurontin is kicking my ass. I just can’t get my brain to wake up. I want to nap so bad but dinner will be ready soon. Maybe I will take a nap after dinner.

I entered a Stars Dash with Starbucks. You make five purchases and you get stars which leads to getting free stuff. I should have bought something before I left because I am one purchase short and the deal ends today. Oh well. I am sure they will have other deals in the future.

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

I went to my workshop today. I got there okay and I forgot there was a Barnes and Noble on the street, which was tempting to spend my last few dollars after the workshop but I resisted and didn’t step foot in the door. That took great will power because I love bookstores. I got there an hour early so I had time to have my espresso and write in my journal without being rushed.

The class was pretty boring. It wasn’t engaging to keep my head in the game, so to speak and they emphasized using Twitter more, which I already use. They wanted just 5-10 tweets per day. I know I post most than that, including retweets. But they are not just book related. I can’t remember the last time I posted a link to my book. They also wanted to utilize Facebook groups to get the word out there. That I can see myself doing though it will take some doing. I did get some pointers as to getting on mental illness sites and organizations to help promote my book. That is probably the only thing I got out of the workshop. I brought up my blog and they encouraged making a page so I will work on that sometime this weekend. WordPress doesn’t “publish” so I might make it a blog and then post it as a page. BE ON THE LOOK OUT! I just don’t know what to say on the page yet. I wish I remembered what I write but I don’t. I also wish there was some traffic on my blogs that there are chapters in my book. That would be easier to put the link to my book and maybe get some sales.

They did say that the market is always changing and book selling is hard, especially for self-publishers like myself. I already knew that from my first book as it was hard just trying to get reviewers for my book. I think I gave away more books and got zero reviews. I don’t think I am going to take another course at this place. I just don’t feel it is helpful and this is my third time going to the place.

After the course, it took me a while to get to a train station that I could easily go home from. I walked really far from the place and my ankle was not appreciative of the journey. I got my exercise for the day, that is for sure. I did pass a McDonalds on my way to the T and was tempted to get a big Mac but I really didn’t want to stop as I knew it would be hard to get moving again. I got on the train and there was a person with schizophrenia on the train as he kept on saying the evil spirits took his money and his socks. He was really loud and scary. No one was paying attention to him, though I think a lady did engage him to try and calm him down, but it didn’t work. That just agitated him more. I felt really bad for him.

I had a message when I checked my phone after the course from the lady I met the other day about the chronic pain group. I returned the call when I got home and she told me I would be accepted in the group on the condition I have a therapist for at least three months. I got annoyed. It might take me three months just to find a fucking therapist. I didn’t say anything and just blew her off, thinking it was a lost cause. I then called my psychiatrist because she wanted me to touch base with her. We talked and she is looking for a therapist for me. She also wanted to know more about my pain so we talked about that. She also said that my PCP is a nice guy but doesn’t know me so is not sure how to take my pain needs. She tried conveying how I was as she has known me for so long. She said he might see me more but I haven’t heard from the office and I don’t see him for three months. So we’ll see if the guy will change his mind about being on a longer acting pain med. The rate I am going with my strong pain pill is not getting better. I am using it more because the regular pain meds are not as effective anymore. I have to pick and choose what I think will work best now.

It was good talking to my psych. I honestly think I would be up the creek without a paddle if I didn’t have her. We didn’t talk about my suicidality and I didn’t bring up my plan and how it’s ready to go during my next flare up. I took a strong pain med when I came home because I knew that is what I needed. I am feeling the effects of it and am wicked tired from all the walking I did. I am feeling discouraged about the chronic pain group. I think that would have been a helpful thing for me to be a part of and also give me the support I need about my pain. I know I post to social media about my pain but when it’s late at night, I don’t usually get a response. I know that is because most people are sleeping, like “normal” people will be doing.

It was really cold today. I don’t think it got above 30 degrees as the wind was horrible. My feet are cold now despite being under the blankets. Going to have to put on thermal socks on soon. I am so glad I bought them. Best purchase I ever made. They work better than regular socks and are so warm.

Rest Day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rest Day

I spent the day resting my ankle and foot. I wanted to sleep but never did. I just had dinner and now my ankle is acting up. I never can win. But I needed a day to do nothing as tomorrow is going to be a little stressful. I have a course I am taking on how to promote your book. It’s in a part of Boston that I don’t go to regularly but the T station I have to get off at is old and doesn’t have elevators. I have to go up the stairs and that part is stressing me out more than walking to the building where the course is held. Least there is a Starbucks at the corner of the street so I can get my fix before the class starts.

I didn’t make coffee today. I had wanted to but I never got around to it. It’s too late now to make it. I will be up most of the night and I got to get up early tomorrow as the class meets mid-morning. I need to take a shower tonight so this pain that I am feeling now better skedaddle. Pain isn’t too severe but I can’t take any more of my regular pain meds until later tonight.

Reading on a Gorgeous Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Reading on a Gorgeous Saturday

I had my coffee when I woke up this morning. My mother had woken me up earlier than I would have liked as she wanted to know if I was going out or not. I wasn’t as I needed a day’s rest from yesterday’s activities. Plus I didn’t get to sleep until after 0200 so I was pretty tired. When I came back to my room, I started reading Norse Mythology. There was one chapter that actually made me laugh. I am so enjoying this book. I read until I got really hungry at 1430. I had bought some Fenway Franks and I was dying to make them. I fried them up. They were so good.

After lunch, I just played on my laptop checking email, Twitter, and Facebook. I got an email from one of the facilitators of the course I will be taking Friday. It was just a greeting and to see if anyone had any questions. I was telling my mother and she asked why wasn’t I posting on Facebook. I said I was but it’s a small group of friends that want my book and I don’t want to keep posting the same message over and over again. And with Twitter, I have to be really creative to get a message with hashtags in 140 characters. I am not a creative person. I am toying with the idea of getting postcards made and handing them out at the Square or Harvard to see if that pulls any sales. I know they will end up more in the trash than anything but you never know. Lots of people have mental illness that they don’t share or are interested in stories about it.

My pain had been minimal till I was cooking the dogs. I swear I can’t cook anything without my ankle flaring up. It’s nice out so my mother has the back door open. I couldn’t believe it when I went downstairs. It really is a nice day. I haven’t gone out because it’s sunny and reading in the sun is difficult, even with sunglasses.

Well, my laptop almost got kicked to the ceiling. I started getting foot zaps and they were so painful. It felt like someone or something was biting me. I checked to make sure there wasn’t a bug under my covers but nope, nothing and no marks on my foot. Just fucking nerve pain fucking with me. There is nothing you can do when this happens, just wait it out. It is extremely painful. I rather have constant burning pain than zaps any day and twice on Sunday. Least I know my trusty Neurontin will take care of it in no time. My leg was doing it’s twitching thing before the zaps started so I had to take an Ativan. Now I am feeling sleepy. I want to read a chapter or two before I snooze so I will end here. Will write more later if I am up to it.