Tag: schizoaffective disorder

bad pain flare up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bad pain flare up

I saw my psychiatrist. The appointment went well. She agreed to an increase in the Zoloft. Then we talked about therapy and the water works started. I couldn’t hold back my tears of frustration with the waiting and the ending. I miss having someone to talk to about things. She was supportive of me but these things take time and frankly, I have grown impatient. She wanted to see me in a week and I agreed. I did tell her my suicidal urges were around early that morning. She tried piecing together what set me off and we didn’t really get anywhere.

I came home and was tired. I took a pain pill and my trilafon. I wanted a nap but didn’t want to mess up my sleep. An hour later, I said fuck it and lied down. My foot had become cold so I put on my thermal socks and lied down once again. Then all hell broke loose. My foot became a seizing machine and the pain was intolerable. I started crying because I hurt so damn bad. I lost it. Tears were coming and I couldn’t stop them. I was a sobbing idiot. Then I thought of ending my life from the thoughts of the morning and I cried harder. I couldn’t reach the pills because I couldn’t even turn over to take meds to stop the cramping and the pain. Any movement at all caused me great pain. I eventually sat up and took my meds. In between tears, I sent a letter to my psychiatrist, one telling her to send tissues and the other saying my suicidality was up and I would be in touch before passing out.

My mother called me while I was having my crying fit but she didn’t hear me when I told her I was crying. She wanted some socks in her drawer. I told her my ankle went out on me and that it wasn’t happening. In the midst of all this, I got a migraine and a headache after the migraine went away. Just wonderful. I know it’s from crying so damn much and not eating.

Things calmed down so of course my bladder said it had to go. I went and figured while I was downstairs, I’d make myself something to eat. I thought that might help the headache as I didn’t have anything to eat since this morning while at Starbucks. The pain came back when I went back to my room, but it wasn’t as bad. My feet were hot so I took the socks off. My left one became cold again within 15 minutes so I just put a regular sock on that is loose.

I am exhausted and was going to pass out but I called my psych before I did. She didn’t read the emails so I explained what was going on. She was glad I called her. She wants me to keep her posted.

I’ve had flare ups of severe pain before but nothing like today. I think the spasms made the pain worse and I just couldn’t handle it. The tears were flowing because I just felt so helpless. I couldn’t move a muscle without pain, even if it was a different body part. It was awful. I really wanted to die and if I could reach any bottle of pills, I would have tried. But thankfully, all the “good” stuff is three feet away from me. I just have a handful of pills, total, by my bedside which probably wouldn’t do much but knock me out for a couple of hours.

things on my mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things on my mind

I’ve been in a down mood all evening. A Daughtry song has been running in my head the last few days. I didn’t know the name so I had to go down the list to find it. I listened to it and it just made me think about my therapist. I almost started crying. She has been on my mind a lot this week. I still can’t believe it is over.

I have been trying to get in touch with a new therapist but she hasn’t returned my calls or email so she might not work out. I feel sad about this. It has me doubting if therapy is really for me. I have seen so many therapists over the years. Granted most of them have left for reasons that had nothing to do with me. But it still hurts. You learn to trust someone and then when they leave you are just feeling empty and alone.

I feel really tired. I have been sleeping most of the day because I woke up very early and went to bed really late. Pain has really been bad but so far it has been okay. I want to take some Neurontin but I got to get up early tomorrow because I have an early appointment with my psychiatrist. I really want to cancel it. I’ll see how my night goes. Sometimes my pain will get worse as the night goes on.

My lip and corners of my mouth have been so dry they are cracking and hurt really bad. I have been using different lip balms but none seem to help. I think I am going to have to get some Vaseline and see if that works. It’s the only thing I haven’t tried. I wish they sold it in like a small tube for the lips but they don’t. Just big jars of the stuff. I will get it tomorrow when I go out. My mother wants me to use zinc oxide but I hate that stuff. It’s just messy.

I got a call from a friend that I hang out with at least once a month. My adopted nephew called him to say he is having another band concert in March and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I won’t be going because it’s too much for me physically. I just am drained and it takes me at least a day to recover. Then he tells me he can’t get my book at Barnes and Noble. WHAT?? So now I will have to give him a copy. He will pay me for it. But I am disappointed that a bookstore wouldn’t order it for him. I’ll have to check my settings, maybe I did something wrong in the distribution part. Not like my new book is selling like hotcakes. I have sold more as signed copies than I have online. I am disappointed but I haven’t been promoting either. It’s hard.

I just got an ad for a workshop on how to promote your book through this writer’s organization that I have taken classes at before. The workshop is in March so I will try and get into it next week, if I remember. It might prove to be worthwhile.

early rising and it’s snowing!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early rising and it’s snowing!

I woke up early from a weird dream. I was looking for something and trying my best to find it except I realized I was wasting my time because the thing I was looking for was in New York City. I felt defeated. I woke up and had to pee. My nephew kind of scared me because he was on the couch. I forgot he spent the night. I hope he slept well.

When I left my room to go downstairs, I noticed it was snowing. Wonderful, another day in the house. I don’t mind because I have to go out tomorrow so this gives me a day of rest as my ankle is being such a brat right now. I haven’t done anything for the past two hours except read Twitter and become disgusted with the state of Congress and the people that are supposed to uphold the law of the land, the US Constitution. It sickens me that they, for reasons not known yet, are not investigating the whole Russian influence. If it was the other party, you bet your ass there would be inquiries left and right. Just makes me sad and fearful. And then to learn there is a spy ship off the coast of New England (where I am) is more scary. Why the Navy hasn’t done anything, is a mystery.

I am in serious pain. I didn’t want to but I had to take a strong pain pill to ease it. I also took a Neurontin to help ease the burning pain that I feel. I think I am going to be sleeping most of the day. I am going to try and stay up till at least 1000 in case the therapist returns my call. I hope she does because this waiting is killing me. And I think it is rude for a professional not to return a phone call.

Well, I don’t think I am going to last staying up much longer. Meds have made me sleepy and I need to lie down. More of how my day goes later.

it’s late so of course I am up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s late so of course I am up

I was up late talking to a friend of mine that was going through some stuff that had to do with my condition that I deal with. It was good talking to her and though my body is desperately wanting to sleep, my head and my neck is saying, You’re funny, not happening. My neck is filled with tension and I can’t seem to massage it out. I also can’t seem to find a comfortable position with my pillow because of this tension. UGH.

My nephew called me and asked if he could spend the night. I let him in and found out he had smoked some weed and it landed him in the ER because it caused some unpleasant side effects. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Why he continues to smoke the shit is beyond my thinking. I think he get a vasospasm in his neck and that just causes him to panic, hence his trip to the ER. Silly kid. So now I am kind of worried about him, which is also keeping me up.

I bought Neil Gaiman’s latest book, Norse Mythology. OMG brain overload! So much information and words that I can’t pronounce! And I only read a few pages in the first chapter! It’s fascinating but OMG this is going to take some studying and processing. Needless to say, it opened my brain more than caused me to shut it off. Wrong book to read at this hour. Should have picked a psychology book to read. I have three of those lying around waiting to be read.

If I could kill my radiator, I probably would do it right now. It’s been hissing up a storm every hour or so and each time it does, it scares the crap out of me. My PTSD hasn’t had a chance to recover. I keep telling myself it’s the damn radiator and I am safe but I get scared and it doesn’t work. So I freak out until the next hissing. Fun. Another reason I can’t sleep.

I’m so very tired but my brain just won’t shut down. I wish I had a switch like my laptop does. That would be so wonderful. I am going to try and lie down one more time to see if Morpheus will find me. Otherwise, I will go back to Odin and Thor and see what I can get from them.