Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Overslept

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Overslept

I had put on my “do not disturb” function on my phone and I thought my alarm would ring despite that. I was wrong. I slept through my grocery delivery. Now it will have to be delivered tomorrow. The guy was nice and waved the restock fee as it was my first time missing it. I know that I am not going to do that again!

After I made a few phone calls, I went back to sleep. I wanted to make coffee but my pillow was calling me. So I slept most of the afternoon. I guess all the meds that I took yesterday to sleep, caught up with me today. I am just so tired. My foot has been acting up but I had avoided taking pain meds because I didn’t want to sleep through dinner. I just took some now. I hope the pain doesn’t get worse. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill this early in the evening.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I feel like it’s going to be awkward as we haven’t talked in three weeks. I am nervous about it. I feel more nervous that I am not going to talk to her next week either, that the time we had for a month from now will be the time we next talk. I don’t like this arrangement at all. And I am wicked pissed off that she just gave my times away and now she has to wait for a cancellation to fit me in. WTF. I still am so mad she decided to meet monthly and not discuss it with me first. I seriously, at the time, was like fuck you anyways, but I didn’t think getting in to see her would be so damned difficult.

I was talking with a psychologist friend of mine on Twitter. I sent him a DM about my situation and he said he is going to make some calls to some therapists he knows that takes my insurance. I guess when those names comes in, it will really be final that my therapist and I are through. After sixteen years, I still can’t believe it. My psychiatrist says that it’s not my fault. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I think I was talking to one of my friends last night before going into oblivion about how I will have to “train” a new therapist in my suicidal ways to help me. The idea of having to do this again just fills me with dread. I don’t know if a new therapist will be open to new ideas or just stuck in their way of treating suicidal patients. If that is the case, it’s not going to fucking work. I can’t work with someone with a “no suicide contract”. Those just don’t work as I can just find a loophole. The whole process is just leaving me feeling so damn nervous. It just makes me say fuck it and just go through with my plan anyways. I just feel so hopeless.

Last night I was having a hard time and I talked with my friend in Canada. We have been through a lot of shit together with CES. And we both get each other. She made me laugh and forget about my troubles for a bit. It was good talking to her. I got her payment for my book today. I will go to the bank on Friday as I am not sure I can use mobile deposit as it’s a money order.

an 0500 rambling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An 0500 rambling

About two hours ago, a friend sent me an PM (private message) on Facebook saying she couldn’t sleep because her mind was going. We chatted maybe for about twenty minutes and then nothing. Not one single message back. I got pissed off. She must have dozed off to sleep. Yay for her. I am still up two hours fucking later. My foot is still fucking hurting and my back pain has seemed to settled down though, can’t say for sure because I haven’t laid back down yet.

The tension in my neck is killing me. I have tried to rub it out or message it but I can’t do it for too long without my hands cramping up on me. It feels great afterwards so I know I am doing something right. But the tension relieved is short lived. I really need to see a message therapist to get the kinks out of my neck and shoulders. They sure as hell aren’t going to touch my back. I don’t fucking care. No one touches my back, not even me!

I wrote in my journal hoping it would make me sleepy. Yea right. About a half hour into it, I catch my second wind and that’s all folks, I am up all night. I took a Benadryl to see if that knocks my ass out. I had taken an Ativan a few minutes before my friend PM’d me but I’m still awake! I also took some more pain meds. Nothing is working tonight. Though it’s really morning. UGH. I feel like paging my psychiatrist and just yelling at her for something she hasn’t done. What that something is I am not sure. I put my phone on “do not disturb” mode so no one calls/texts/messages me. Well, they can, but I just won’t hear the notifications.

I’m sort of getting hungry as it’s been more than 12 hours since I last had something to eat. I ate the last protein bar in my room. I meant to bring a box up but forgot. I really don’t want to go downstairs as my foot will most likely have a fit and a half. Think when I get up later today, I will make my oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a very long time.

For some strange reason, I was thinking about my father and wanted to call him as I haven’t heard from him in a while. I was going to text my sister and then I remembered he’s dead. That hit me hard. This time last year we were going through his radiation treatments for his stupid cancer. That was fun for three weeks. Then his health went downhill the end of the month and he was dead near the end of April. It was terrible watching him deteriorate. I had become his health care proxy sometime in March. That was really fun, especially when he was in the nursing home and they needed me to fill out this and that every other damn day. Then when he was really sick and going to die, they needed me to change his DNR forms because it wasn’t “right”. UGH. More paperwork to sign.

I ordered my groceries for the next few weeks. I wanted steak so I ordered it. It’s been a while since I last had it. It’s tough to buy things when you are the only person that likes it. It would be fine if my mother liked steak but she doesn’t. So I just get the smallest piece/pound possible and get it. Tomorrow I start my diet so I basically bought the minimum stuff I would need. I know the Superbowl is going to be my cheat day. There is no way it’s can’t be as I would want chips and salsa and pizza that day. I won’t order out as I have pizza in my freezer. Red Baron is pretty good pizza. Not as good as fresh but close to it.

doc 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I woke up at 0300. I was thirsty and in pain, of course. All the bones in my foot are aching me. It started around 1800 last night. I didn’t take any pain meds then because I have been trying to be conservative. I don’t think I will have enough pills to last me until Friday. I have been popping them like candy since I have had 3 flare ups, one right after another. My ankle going out on me earlier this week didn’t help matters.

I got a text from my friend’s husband. He was lonely and wanted someone to talk to. He just lost his father and is going through a depression. He feels like he has no one to talk to that understands. I get it. I don’t mind talking to him because he is a nice guy and I hate to see someone suffering from depression. It sucks. I told him I would send him my book with Star Trek stamps. He couldn’t believe there was such a thing. I am a trekkie through and through.

I just bought a new charger cord for my Kindle. The one I have is really for my Samsung phone and it takes forever to charge the Kindle. The cord is also longer so I don’t have to worry about it falling out while charging. The original cord was like less than 4 feet and didn’t fit the Kindle at all unless you really rammed it in the charging site. That is why I had to use my Samsung cord. I hope the longer cord is useful. Otherwise, I will just send it back.

I think I am going to take some more Neurontin. The pain is oscillating between physical pain and nerve pain. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my foot. It’s driving me crazy. I hate taking the new pills that I have because I ran out of the 300 mg capsules. Now I have 600 mg tablets and they taste awful. There isn’t a coating on the pill so it’s worse than my pain pills. But they work so I can’t complain too much.

I hope I am not too young to get the shingles vaccine. I am going to ask the pharmacist tomorrow about it as I don’t want to catch it from my mother. I don’t know if they will give it to me because I have been exposed to the virus or not. I don’t know how the shot works. I could look it up but I am not in the mood for Google. I really don’t need another painful condition with what I have. It will suck so bad.

I will have my Casi Cielo today as my bro in law bought me some half and half. I love this coffee. I bought the K-cups for the Keurig and it was so good. I hope the ground coffee is just as good. I will be making it for the first time later today.

I haven’t received my insurance bill yet. I know the premiums went up by at least $20. I have to have it because my insurance pays for my prescriptions. I hope that I don’t have to pay a lot for my monthly lot. I know my mood stabilizer is going to be the most expensive. It was last year. I really don’t need to bother with refilling my meds because I am not going to be around. I don’t know how to explain this to my psychiatrist. I know she will want to hospitalize me until “my thinking is straight” but I have made up my mind. There is no shaking it this time around.

pain depression tired day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up to back pain today. It really depressed me. I didn’t want to do a damn thing today. My mother made bacon so I had a few strips of that. I have been munching a little here and there. I wanted coffee so I went to my sister’s apartment as that is where my half and half is. I told my brother in law to buy me another quart as he was going to the grocery store. I didn’t do my ankle any favors by going downstairs. It promptly started acting up. I had already taken some meds for my back so now I am going to stay in my room.

I am feeling really depressed. There isn’t anything that I have to do today. I don’t plan on going out. While I was downstairs, I checked to see if mail had come. It didn’t. I don’t know why I feel so down. I guess being in pain for another day is just depressing me.

I really don’t want to see my psychiatrist next week. I just think it’s pointless. I have been seeing her every week for most of January. I like seeing her, don’t get me wrong, but I really like to go back to every other week.

I started writing this around 1100 and each sentence was painful. I finally gave up and decided to come back to it. I am still feeling depressed. I had something to eat other than a protein bar. My mother made escarole soup so I had some of that. My brother-in-law made some pizza so I had some of that. I should have bought chocolate while at Walgreens yesterday. I think that is why I have been eating the protein bars because they have chocolate in them. Maybe if I feel better tomorrow, I will get some.

My mother is not feeling good. She finally is out of denial and realizes the docs were right and she does have shingles. I really hope I don’t catch it. Maybe tomorrow while at Walgreens, I will ask the pharmacist about it. I am staying clear of my mother but we use the same bathroom and stuff so I just worry.

I don’t know what set off my deep depression this morning. I think waking up in pain was part of it. I am feeling better now that I slept most of the afternoon. I put my phone on “do not disturb” so it wouldn’t bother me. The weird part was that I have it set up that if someone from my favorites calls me, it’s supposed to ring. My mother called three times and it didn’t. Weird.

My friend left me a couple messages on FB. She was sick with some virus earlier this week and now she got the stomach bug. I really wanted to video chat with her. Guess it won’t be today. I hope she feels better tomorrow. Stomach bugs suck.

Monday I plan on going back to my diet. I got to use up the protein shakes I bought. I have like 4 cases of them. I am glad I didn’t make the pumpkin cake that I wanted to make yesterday. That would have been bad. I meant to get the ingredients and everything but never did. Oh well. My foot is acting up again but it’s almost time for my night meds. I might take them early so I can take my pain meds and be done for the night. I still am tired even though I slept most of the day.