Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Night on the town

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night on the town

I went south of Boston to see my friends kid have their concert. It went pretty well for a bunch of students. I didn’t like the chorus part of it. It almost put me to sleep, they were singing so softly. The jazz was pretty good. It was good to see my adoptive nephew dancing along with the beats. I loved it.

The ride home was long. The bus ride longer because they were stopping at every mother loving stop. Quite unusual for this time of night. Usually it just sails right on through. Not tonight. I just wanted to get home and out of my brace. My leg was barking and of course, soon as I came out of it, my foot and ankle were. I just hope I am not up all night because I got to get up early to wake my niece for school. I will be watching her the next six days. Holy Moly. Her mother and father are going to Aruba for a wedding. They leave in a few hours.

I was able to communicate to my psychiatrist. I have to call her tomorrow morning and then see her Friday morning. She couldn’t make the afternoon time, which is fine for me because I got to be home for my niece. I am glad there is only three school days I have to get her up for. This weekend is Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Birthday so Monday is no school.

I wrote a lot in my journal about my therapist’s situation. I still can’t believe I went from twice a week to monthly. I think I really pushed her away. She didn’t even wait for me to get another therapist or anything. Just here are some names and work on it. See ya in a month. I am not going to work on anything. I googled the first name and she is a trauma therapist. She is a little ways up from where my therapist used to be on Mass Ave. I have no idea if she is taking new clients or suicidal ones at that. I just can’t bring myself to call when the fear of rejection is so damn high. Plus, having a suicidal date in the mix doesn’t exactly give me hope that it will work out anyways.

I don’t know what I expect my psychiatrist to do. She isn’t my therapist, per se. But I have a feeling I will be seeing her more than I am going to see my therapist. I am so tempted to cancel my therapist’s appointment and just say fuck you, see you later to her. But I can’t bring myself to. Besides, she will probably think I am joking and not cancel the appointment. She is so frustrating and dense. Even when you are serious, she thinks you are joking.

I don’t get why I didn’t have a say in the monthly business. She just made the decision and now I am supposed to play along? What the hell is that? She says it’s so she “doesn’t go back to her old habits”. I don’t fucking get it. How is meeting once a month going to help me? We spent more time playing catch up during our phone call yesterday than we did actual therapy so how is that going to fucking work? I am so hurt right now it’s not funny. I just don’t even want to deal with her right now, at all. I thought we were going to end, not meet on a monthly basis. It would be fine if it was maintenance therapy or something but it’s not. I can’t help but think I scared her away and now I have no therapist because I am a hopeless case. Took four years but I’m finally there. Least I found out now rather than later. Now I just need to end this pathetic existence.

Therapy-less

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy-less

My airhead therapist got the times wrong for our session. She thought we were meeting today, not tomorrow. I am glad I canceled the Zipcar because I would have been pissed to show up and find I didn’t have an appointment. So we talked today.

She decided that we are going to talk monthly when I can get the zipcar and go out to see her, in person. She gave me names of five therapists, all female, in the area. I have no intention of calling any of them. I am not seeing another therapist again.

We talked about my pain and anxiety levels, my phone fiasco and being phoneless, and that was about it. She didn’t ask about my suicidality and I didn’t tell her. I was tempted to tell her about my dissociation I had last night but I didn’t. I felt like she wanted to keep the conversation light so I didn’t get into anything dark.

Today is our anniversary. I asked her if I could see her tomorrow and she said no. She doesn’t want to fall into her old habits. I was crushed but I didn’t let on about it. She wants to keep this as a monthly thing, fine. I will be dead soon anyways so it doesn’t matter. As we were setting up our next appointment, it was the week after that I would be dead. I felt sad about not telling her this but oh well.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know. She responded saying she wants to see me tomorrow but I had already made plans to see some friends. I will just keep our appointment for Friday. It would be nice to see her tomorrow but I really want to see my friends. I haven’t seen them in a long time. It would be good meeting them again.

For the first time in sixteen years, I am without a therapist on a regular basis. I have gone from twice a week to monthly. And it’s not because I have recovered or my symptoms have diminished. It’s because my therapist doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. Frankly, I don’t think the monthly bullshit is going to work out. I mean, why even bother? The least she could have done was wait until I had a therapist set up before going monthly. That would have made more sense, but nope. Not going to happen. So neither is me calling a therapist she gave me. I will check each of the names on Google to see what I can learn about them, though. Maybe if I see something in their profile it might change my mind and I will call her. We’ll see.

Protected: to be or not to be, that is the question

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Pain Filled Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain filled Monday

I woke up in some serious pain this morning. I took my regular pain meds and waited to nod off back to sleep. As I was lying down, my pain intensified. It was the barbed wire type pain only responds to the strong pain pill. It was around 0800 in the morning and already my day was turning to hell. I reluctantly took the pill because what choice did I have. It was either be in pain all day or not. I chose not. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house. It was freezing out anyways.

I woke up and was hungry. I had a protein bar because I didn’t feel like making something to eat. Least not yet anyways. A few hours later I was really hungry and seeing as I was in pain and didn’t give a fuck (my normal pain had returned, lucky me), I made a deep dish pizza. I also had some Oreos but I limited myself to four.

Last night I decided to email my psychiatrist the letter I wrote her last week. She responded and thanked me for sharing it. I don’t know what is going to happen on my appointment come this Friday. I am really nervous about it. I don’t know what she is going to say when I meet her in person.

I had to cancel my car reservation to see my therapist on Wed because my mother’s phone is down and the technician can only come out during the time I would have to leave Boston. Seeing as I only have a working phone right now, if they call and need access to our line, I will have to let them in because my mother can’t hear the doorbell nor could I call her to let her know the tech is there. Oh well, I will just have to have a phone session. I will reschedule once I have a better idea on where our relationship is going anyways.

I can’t believe my ankle has been bothering me for almost a full 24 hours. Soon as my pain meds wear off, it starts up again. It’s driving me nuts. I just took more pills. I take my night meds in about an hour, might be sooner than that because I want to go to bed soon. I swear if I wake up in pain tomorrow morning, I am going to call my doc and be placed on a different medication. I just can’t live like this anymore, I really can’t. I’m doing my best not to attempt suicide but this pain is really testing my limits and patience.

I got the first sale of my book today. My little cousin bought a signed copy and I received the money today. She sent me a sweet little note with it. I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail out the books. I also need to get more mailers. I like the ones the post office have because they’re more sturdy than the ones at Walgreens.