Tag: schizoaffective disorder

another day filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day filled with pain

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was waking up every 2 hours. I wanted to help my mother with doing something around the house and then go to Starbucks but dammit, I couldn’t get my motor started for nothing. Then I figured I would help and make coffee. That didn’t work either. I stayed in bed the whole day. Meanwhile, my foot has been throbbing like a SOB.

I am really pissed at myself for not getting up. It’s been like this all week. I think I am depressed as I have no motivation to do anything. I really wanted to go into town and see where the building was for the CBT therapist I see on Monday. Now it will have to be Monday when I check the place out. Least they have a Starbucks at the corner I can get my espresso as I won’t be going by the Square.

My mother was disappointed in me because I didn’t help her. I feel bad. She made dinner and I really didn’t like it. It was tilapia and a baked potato. I didn’t like the fish. It tasted funny. I only had half a potato and then retreated back to my room. All I ate today was Oreos and milk. That was my breakfast. Then I went off into dreamland.

Next week when I see my psych, I am going to ask if I can increase the Zoloft. I think I need a minor adjustment. I have been on the same dose for a while now and I just keep slipping off the edge more than I was before. I know it’s not going to help my pain or suicidality but it might help the other stuff. If it helps me feel a little better, maybe I can get things done. I made a real mess in my room when I went into my alcove to get my spare desk lamp. Just looking at it makes me sick. But I don’t have the energy to clean it because I just get so overwhelmed. I still need to move stuff away from my window so my brother in law can remove the AC. I’d do it today but it’s really windy and kind of rainy so I need to wait for it to be a better day. Maybe the weekend will be better.

I need to call my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. I am kind of nervous about it because I haven’t talked to her since my father passed away, and it wasn’t a good experience. She was crying really bad and it was hard for her to talk because of the Parkinson’s. I will never forget the noises she was making. It was awful.

I have been thinking about my father’s side of the family all week, well, least in my dreams, literally. Nearly every time I dream, I dreamt about my cousins or aunt or my father. I guess I miss them very much. I wish I was able to go to my cousin’s birthday party last Saturday. But I was in pain and it was not a good idea for me to be driving, especially as I really never been to the place before.

I don’t know if it’s the stupid time difference or what, but every night around 1730, I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep. It’s way too early for me to be taking my meds at that hour. Last night I took it a little past 1900, which is early for me. I couldn’t help it. I have been so tired lately. I know part of it is because I haven’t been on a sleeping schedule of any sort all week and pain has been fucking things up. I just hate it when I sleep all day and up all night deal.

I’m really fed up with being in pain every single bloody day. I just can’t cope anymore. I don’t have any reserves left. And I can’t help thinking that I should have killed myself last week when I had the fucking chance. It was a low pain day and I could have possibly walked to my destination. I’ll never forgive myself for not going through with it. I am so mad.

lost track of crappy days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lost track of crappy days

I had a good sleep but I still woke up in pain. I really wanted to shower and go to Starbucks but that wasn’t happening. So I took some pain meds and went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t sleep all day. I woke up around 1 and was really hungry. I really haven’t eaten much all week except for little meals here and there. I had taken my sauce out of the freezer and decided to make pasta for it. OMG it was the best thing I ate all week. I had two full bowls of pasta. My stomach isn’t too happy with me as I am so full but it’s a happy full, which makes me happy.

After I had my breakfast and lunch, I decided to take a shower. I was really hot and needed one. Besides, my hair was doing it’s own thing and was really itchy from using gel the other day so I really needed a shower. I took one without any problems and then went upstairs to my room. I started to get sleepy but I had to do an errand for my mother I have been neglecting all week. I paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to check in. I waited but she never called so I left for the store.

I still haven’t heard back from my psych, but last night she didn’t get back to me until 2200. I hope I don’t have to wait that long today but I could. I am feeling pretty crappy now that I did all that I did. My ankle is “thanking” me so I still don’t know when I am going to brush my teeth. That is the only thing left on my “to do” list. I wanted to edit my book but it’s too late to go to Starbucks now. I will go tomorrow. I really need to get this done. The easy part is correcting shit. The hard part is inputting the info back into the word doc. I hope there are no more formatting errors. Those just give me wicked anxiety.

When I came back from the store, I decided to cut my toenails. My foot really hates me now. I am feeling really depressed that I got all this stuff done but I am still in a lot of pain. I am tempted to ask my psychiatrist for a lethal dose of tricyclics but I know that will not diminish her concern for me and my safety. I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to go things and then I pay. It just makes me want to give up and not even try. But stuff like showering and grooming needs to be done. I can’t let my toenails keep growing, that will just cause more problems. I am just glad I don’t have to do it every day or every other day like showering.

Dammit, tomorrow is my aunt’s birthday and I forgot to mail her card. Tuesday is also my sister’s birthday and I need to get her a card as well. Birthday month. I hate it sometimes. I wish I could afford to send my aunt flowers but I can’t. this sucks having just one paycheck a month.

My psych just called me to check in. I think she is okay with me keeping in touch rather than paging her every day. We have an appointment next Friday so that will be good. I told her all I did and how it tired me out. She wants me to take it easy.

therapy, eye appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy eye appt and other things

Today is the US election day. I had voted last week so I didn’t have to go near a poll today. I pretty much tried to stay off social media because it was filled with “go vote” or “I voted” followed by selfies with the “I voted” sticker. Who the fuck gives a shit. After the 20th message, I just said I was done, on both Facebook and Twitter. It was difficult because I am on both mediums all the time but I kept myself occupied with trying to sleep and then I had therapy.

I was and am so sleep deprived because I only had about 3.5 hours of sleep consistently last night. I was up till around 0600 because the pain was so damn bad nothing was helping me, not even my trusty Ativan could knock me out. I was so overtired and cranky that I sent messages to both my psychiatrist and therapist saying that I fucking hated them and they sucked for allowing me to live. I didn’t care. It was around 0400 when I sent off these messages. My psychiatrist wanted me to call her to check in, which I did after I took a damn shower when I woke up at 0930 and then made breakfast. She is really worried about me because I never talk like that.

I have no idea what went on in therapy. She said I had the floor but I know I didn’t talk. I just answered questions. She skipped the text message about canceling tomorrow. Not my problem so I got out of it. She wanted to fill it in with a session on Thursday but I wasn’t having it. I am all therapied out. I just want to sleep all day tomorrow, without interruptions by a pesky therapist. After therapy, I tried to nap for 10 minutes before having to catch the bus to the Square so I could get my espresso. I wanted 5 shots today and got it dammit. It helped keep me awake as I had my eye appointment.

I love my eye doctor. I have been seeing him since I was like 18. He is a very cool guy and very caring. I told him I needed an eye exam and to check the growth that was at the corner of my right eye. And also to figure out why my eyelids were so dry. I have some kind of virus thing that is causing the growth and it’s both eyes. The ones on my left eye (7) are small and the one on my right is slightly bigger. It’s a cosmetic thing so there is nothing to be done about it. Not that I care as long as it doesn’t interfere with my vision. The thing with my eyelids is eczema. I have to get a cream to put on it. Just great. I have eczema in my ears and now my eyelids. Fucking lucky me. Two places that make it hard to put stuff on. UGH.

I had to email my doc because I noticed a change in the prescription from the previous one to the one he gave me tonight. I just want to make sure it isn’t a typo when I get my new glasses. I won’t be going to one online. It will be more money to go to an optical place but I don’t care. The ones I bought were good but even my doc said they needed to be adjusted and I never got them adjusted to fit right. Live and learn

I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning and I am too lazy to make something. Actually, I am not really lazy, just too tired. I’d order something but I don’t have cash on me. My choices are either a tuna sandwich or pizza. I am opting for tuna because it’ll be a lot quicker than pizza. Our oven takes at least 20-30 minutes to preheat and then it’s another 25 minutes to cook. I’ll be digesting my tuna sandwich by the time the pizza is done. I don’t know what happened with the celery I bought. It might have gone bad or my mother froze it. She loves to freeze things. I wanted to make pasta with my sauce but making a sandwich will be easier. I will make the pasta tomorrow for lunch.

I better have no problems sleeping tonight or I might get myself admitted. I am going insane with no sleep. Last night was so horrible. I really don’t want another night like that. It’s getting late and I am getting tired. I think I am just going to take my meds and call it a night. Screw eating. My meds will be my meal.

ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

http://www.mdedge.com/clinicalpsychiatrynews/article/100017/depression/aas-acute-suicidal-affective-disturbance-proposed

I read the above article with interest. One of my Twitter buddies shared it with me and wanted my opinion on it. I think that it is right on queue and I hope that Dr. Joiner eventually sees this as a diagnosis. But I worry that if the stigma of suicide is not dealt with, it might just be an admitting diagnosis and thus cause more harm than good.

According to the criteria lined out, I meet this diagnosis, though at this time, I am unable to rule out whether a medical condition or conditions exclude the diagnosis. There have been many a times that while I am in excruciating pain, this condition is activated and I am acutely suicidal. The only thing that has saved me from actually making an attempt on my life is that I physically cannot walk and have refused to kill myself in my own home. Then in the morning (most of these attacks have occurred in the midnight hours), I no longer feel so suicidal.

It used to be that what I would call a “switch” would be activated and I would be suicidal until I fell asleep. Now I know that it’s this disturbance that occurs and it makes sense to me. But in every suicidal occurrence that has happened over the past two years, it has been because of physical pain or some kind of dissociative state brought on by physical pain. Very rarely has it occurred solely with psychache or psychological pain. Granted not every episode is psychache free and physical pain free. I will have what Shneidman calls the three Ps, Psychache, Perturbation, and Press as well as physical pain that causes me to be severely suicidal. These nights, I swear to myself I will end my life the next day when I can walk again. Fortunately, I don’t feel as suicidal the next day because I had a few hours or more of respite from these kinds of pain and perturbation. That isn’t to say that I won’t be activated the next night or come up with a suicidal plan to end my life the following day. These plans are usually a few weeks away to give me time to think things over and essentially put off today what can be done tomorrow. These plans have also given me time to work through my feelings and usually by the time that date comes, I no longer feel suicidal enough to go ahead with the plan.

Suicidality is a tricky business and not everyone’s suicidality is the same. What triggers my suicidality might not trigger someone else’s. There are mitigating factors that might be similar in nature like the criteria states but I would love to see the data in the context of ruling this a diagnosis. Just because I find this disturbance fits my suicidality, doesn’t mean that it will someone else’s and that is the difficulty with the nomenclature I think Joiner talks about in his article.