Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Mondays Suck

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Mondays Suck

I had a hard time sleeping last night because of pain. I woke up a few times during the night. I just couldn’t get comfortable or I just couldn’t sleep. It was a bad night. I had planned on going to Starbucks after I took my morning meds but I fell asleep and didn’t wake up again until my mother called asking what I wanted for dinner. By that time, it was too late to head to the Square.

I got up and made a half of a bagel for some calories for the day. I drank it with some dark chocolate almond milk for added protein. Then I went upstairs to check Twitter and Facebook. While doing that, the pain came back. I haven’t done a damn thing all day except make myself something to eat. Unreal. I just took some pain meds and will soon be calling it a day. I don’t care that it’s just about 1700. I won’t be watching/listening to the sox game tonight.

I texted my therapist late last night about the suicidal ideas that I am having. I didn’t give her specifics, I never do, but told her what was on my mind at that hour. I swear she better not give me a hard time tomorrow. I just don’t want to deal with her. I never do when I am in this state. I think therapy is a joke when you are suicidal and want to seriously kill yourself. It’s a serious, “why bother” kind of thing. I never feel better after I have had therapy with these types of discussions. I just get more frustrated because usually, I am not being heard. Or my therapist goes into anxiety mode and nothing gets accomplished. That actually pisses me off more than just trying to talk about things.

I also sent my psychiatrist the “can’t die without explanations” blog. I wanted her take on it. I still haven’t heard back from her. I probably won’t. I un-password protected it last night so I didn’t have to send her my word doc. I won’t send her the other “incriminating” blog that I think sent police to my door. I still am upset that someone called the cops on me. I am just glad that I was home and they didn’t break in to see if I was okay.

I am getting hungry. That bagel didn’t help as I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I think I might make a black bean burger. I haven’t had one in a long time. I still haven’t made my way to Dunkin Donuts to grab a dozen donuts. I am sure their pumpkin ones are back. They are really good. But it is a long walk to get there. I could cheat and take the bus down the street. It’s only a few stops though. Maybe I will tomorrow before my therapy appointment if I get up early enough.

Sunday Blog 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in the early morning, again, to tinkle and then I was hit with pain when I came back to my room. Then a few hours later, I woke up in pain. I took some more pain meds and that was my morning. I had two dreams with food in them because I was hungry. I had wanted to make breakfast when my med alarm went off but I just went back to sleep. It’s been a frustrating day.

My mother made fried eggplant and had some bread leftover. I love this. All it is is breadcrumbs with egg, fried till the egg cooks and it is so good. I sometimes love having it more than the eggplant or chicken that my mother makes. I also had a smores pop tart because that is what I wanted. I was thinking about making eggs and toast but I couldn’t be bothered. I made coffee and am trying to enjoy it as I write this blog.

I had a dream about my father and his sister. We were over her house and dinner was being prepared. Every time I went to eat my meal or something, I got distracted with my father’s incessant need for attention. Then when I went back to my plate, it had been cleared away. I was getting mad because I kept fixing a plate and then it was taken away from me. I couldn’t even eat in my dream!

As I was downstairs making coffee, I decided to watch the ball game. Sox were down 6-4 and then they tied it up. Jays were still batting when I left to go to my room because I couldn’t take the heat in the kitchen anymore. By the time I went back upstairs, the Jays scored two runs to make it 8-6. I was pissed. The Sox cannot lose against Toronto because they are battling for first right now with them! Papi just scored a 3 run blast. 10-8 Sox, 6th inning. I feel a little better now but the game is not over yet.

Today is the memorial for 9/11. I have been seeing more pics of the Towers today than I have in the past few years, some have videos attached of that tragic day. I didn’t watch them because I know I will cry. It’s just a very sad day in American history. That day will be forever etched in my mind. I haven’t turned on the radio today because I don’t want to listen to songs from that time period or songs that reflect the loss. I am just too emotional to hear it. Hard to believe it has been 15 years.

Saturday Blog 63

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 63

I did not have a good night sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. I took some more pain meds and tried to go back to sleep. I was able to fall asleep about an hour later. I woke up with the same kind of pain in my ankle. I was glad I didn’t have to go anywhere today. All I wanted to do was order pizza and watch college football.

I was able to order pizza and it has been the only thing I wanted to eat today. I watched half of the Huskers game. They were leading 14-0 when I stopped watching and won 52-17 when I woke up from my nap. Pain meds and pizza coma caused me to have to lie down. I woke up in time to watch the OSU game. That game was incredible. They had 2 interception touchdown returns and a fumble recovery. They are currently in a weather delay as heavy rain and wind is in the area. I figured I would write as there is nothing I can do but wait till the game comes back on. OSU is leading Tulsa 20-3 at the half.

I am still in a lot of pain. I am trying to stay off my foot/ankle as much as possible but watching football gets me excited and I want to stand to watch the game on TV. Stupid I know but, I am a guy and that is what guys do. Doesn’t help that I have a small TV so I can’t see the downs and stuff when I am sitting.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I am having a hard time with it because I feel so suicidal. Most of my Twitter friends are suicide preventionists so I have been getting tweets left and right about what to do if you are suicidal and all the typical bullshit that goes with it. I just can’t deal with it today so I have been on and off Twitter for most of the day. Most of the time, I will just post game updates from the OSU game but not really reading the tweets, unless they are sports related.

My sox played in between the Nebraska and OSU game. It must have been a quick game because by the time I was up around 1530, it was over and it started at 1300. They lost 3-2. I have been reading that there have been some miscues by the rookie they called up from double A. I really don’t blame him as he is too inexperienced for major league ball, in my opinion.

My foot is really hurting me and I don’t know when the second half of the OSU game is going to be played. I really want to take another dose of pain meds so I can go to sleep again. I am really tired. I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but it didn’t really do anything. I really need to empty my recycle bin but that involves going down two flights of stairs and I am just not up for that. I am in too much pain for that.

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych and Neuro Abnormality

I saw my psychiatrist today. She was kind of miffed at the neurologist for suggesting that the trilafon is behind the music stuff playing in my head. She intends to email her and set her straight as she has never heard of such a thing. She said that I am a mystery to her. I laughed. She wanted me to read Oliver Sacks to get a better idea of things being weird in psychiatry/neurology. I told her I would look him up.

I was able to get my pain meds filled without a problem, thank god. If there was a problem, I was going to raise hell. I purposely stayed at the pharmacy to make sure there were any glitches. Then when I was walking home, my ankle said it wasn’t going to work anymore. I was going down an inclined part of the walkway and it just gave out on me. I was cursing myself for having walked that part of the street. It can be a trigger for my ankle giving out on me. Luckily, I had my trusty cane with me so it helped. I am really pissed because tomorrow I was going to meet up with some friends and now I can’t do that. My week is done.

Today was extremely humid so of course I am a sweaty mess. I have to wait till my pain meds kick in to take a shower. I was going to shave but seeing as I won’t be going out tomorrow, I might as well keep my whiskers. It will have to be a quick shower anyways as my ankle and foot will murder me if it’s a long one.

My mother had dinner for me when I came home. I ate it quickly, then went up to my room to cool off. Now I am craving pizza. I can’t decide if I want a whole or a half. I just want two slices but they won’t deliver just two. I wish I could just walk to the pizza place but I can’t. Guess I will have to wait till tomorrow to satisfy my pizza craving.

I told my psychiatrist about the book I am writing. She didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it. But she is happy that I am writing. I also told the NP about my writing adventures. She was a little enthused about it. I told her about my pain being horrendous and she didn’t have anything to say to me. She just gave me my script and off I went. I found out that my diagnosis is “other chronic pain”. It was on the prescription. That doesn’t help me. I guess I never will find out why my ankle likes being a fucking pain. Another abnormality.