Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Two Errands Completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two Errands completed

My foot was bothering me today, nothing compared to last week, but it was still hurting. I took a pain pill and waited for it to work. Then I took a shower. It tired me out so I rested for an hour. I had that long before the next bus came. I was going to go to the pharmacy but I kind of got side tracked because I got on the laptop. Next thing I knew it was time to catch the bus. I figured I would go to the pharmacy after my first errand.

I got to Starbucks and wanted to sit and write but it was crowded so I just decided to head into Boston for my errand. I needed to pick up paperwork for my disability T-Pass. I should have brought a stamped envelope so I could mail it out right then but silly me didn’t think of it until I got the paperwork. I could have gone to the post office when I got to the station and got a stamped one but I didn’t have cash on me and I felt funny charging fifty cents or so on my card. That will be tomorrow’s errand.

I waited for the bus and there was the homeless couple with all the things taking up most of one bench. I feel bad for them but it doesn’t leave much room for people to sit down. Bus was on time and we were off. I went to the pharmacy but they had a long wait time so I just said I would be back tomorrow to pick it up. Another errand to do.

I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I am hungry but I don’t know what the hell to eat. I really want pizza from the place I always go to but I am broke until Wednesday. This sucks living on a monthly check. Think I will make a tuna sandwich and some tater tots.

Sox game isn’t until 1900. It’s against the stupid Rays, a team I don’t like. They really have become more of a rival than the stupid Skankees. We are tied for first and I hope we don’t lose anymore games this week.

Restful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Restful Sunday

All I did today was sleep. The game was on in the afternoon but I wasn’t awake to watch it. They lost 10-5. I am upset and glad I didn’t watch it. My mother called me a few times but I didn’t pick up the phone. On the second call I just went downstairs as I had to go to the bathroom. She yelled at me for not picking up the phone. Oh well. Then she asked what I wanted for supper. I didn’t care. I haven’t eaten anything since around 0530 this morning. I woke up and wanted a bowl of cereal so made it. Then I went back to sleep.

I haven’t been in too much pain today, probably because I haven’t been on my feet. Last night was just horrid in trying to get to sleep. Being in pain all the time just wears you out. I wanted to take a shower today but I think I will hold off until tomorrow.

I got feedback from the guy that sent me the Adler chapter. He was appreciative of my comments and of the typo I found as it wouldn’t have come up in a “normal” scan. I hope I get a free copy of the book when it gets published.

I sent the blog I wrote last night to both my psychiatrist and my therapist. My therapist won’t read it until she is back but she wanted a few blogs so I sent her that one. I haven’t heard anything from my psychiatrist about what I sent her. I told her I was safe, least for now.

Voices and pain are keeping me up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Voices and pain are keeping me up

I have taken the trilafon for the voices and the pain meds for my pain but I am still restless. I am not in a lot of pain but I just feel agitated. The voices keep changing the lyrics of the songs I am listening to. If they have anything to do with death, they want me to kill myself. I am very annoyed that the two doses of trilafon that I took has had no effect on the voices and my head is full of noise.

One of the songs I heard tonight was “No Surprise” by Daughtry. I keep thinking of my plan and how it should be no surprise that I will die. I have been talking of ending my life for years now. It’s not like it is a fresh idea that came to my head.

Away from the Sun is now playing… It’s perfect because I am so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place. But the thing is that I am not feeling so down. I am actually happy that I have made this decision to end my life, voices or no voices. I am under siege of pain and I cannot take it anymore. The pain is driving me and ending what little resources I have left to fight. It’s taken my job away from me. It’s taken my quality of life away. I cannot brush my damn teeth any more because of pain. I cannot take long showers because I cannot stand more than 10 minutes at a time without my back cramping up on me or my ankle killing me. What kind of life is that?

It really sucks that the voices tonight haven’t responded to my medication tonight. I might need another dose. Music has helped with drowning out the voices. It’s the only thing that really helps, even though it risks having more musical hallucinations, which are not fun. I changed my music genre tonight to alternative 90s rock rather than country music.

I am just going to leave without a trace. No one will know and that is the important thing. I am scare that I will be rescued. I haven’t worked out the details of my death. It’s still hazy. But I have time. I won’t go unless I have finished writing my suicide note that I started.

I started writing my suicide note but I am having trouble with it. I still haven’t thought about what to write, really. I know no one is to blame for my death. My doctors have done the best they can to try and help me and I appreciate all they have done for me over the years. But the demons are too strong. The QOL is just not there anymore and it is making me feel really depressed. I can’t deal anymore. Game over. Do not collect $200, do not pass go. I am in jail without a get out of jail free card.

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.